Carousel, a lost fanfic

Title: Carousel

Author: Found and Lost

Disclaimer: I cannot take claim for any of the characters, the setting, the lyrics I use, or anything that is previously owned. The only thing I claim is my storyline, which sort of came from the lyrics.

Rating: PG-13 for language, mention of drugs and pre-marital sex, and kissing. (Trust me, almost anyone under thirteen doesn't wanna read about kissing. My little brother, who's eleven, doesn't watch kissing scenes yet.)

Pairing: Charlie Claire

Summary: Charlie and Claire realize they love each other while remembering their pasts and thinking of their futures. This fic takes place during the day in between when Charlie asked Claire to be his friend and when he and Claire were abducted. Basically, in the middle of "Raised By Another."

Note: I was listening to "Carousel" by Linkin Park. It scared me how well this song fit Claire and Charlie: both together as a couple and as individuals. I swear I didn't alter the lyrics! I got them from http: which is the official Linkin Park web site.

Fic Type: Song-Fic

Claire had realized that she was falling for Charlie just after the peanut butter incident. She was fully aware of it by now. But Claire wasn't ready to act upon her feelings. She couldn't tell Charlie yet. Would he love her? She couldn't deal with it if the answer was "no." Her wounds from Thomas were still slightly open.

So when Claire was staring at Charlie or crying at night about how she couldn't have him, she had to lie to anyone who asked. "Sorry, just thinking" and "Oh, you know, hormones" were her most common answers.

Claire had told Shannon and had written it in her diary, but no one else knew. People kept asking, and Claire kept lying. Shannon was sympathetic if she was in a generous mood.

Claire hated this feeling of not knowing. She couldn't stand the fact that she didn't know how Charlie felt. Yeah, he was nice and he wanted to help. He had even offered to be her friend. But would any of that have happened if she wasn't pregnant? No, she thought. If I wasn't pregnant, I would still be in Australia with Thomas.

Claire had heard Charlie mention being the bass player in Drive Shaft. Even she had heard of that band, so it must have been very popular. He was probably used to pretty girls lining up at his door. No! He's better than that, Claire told herself in her mind. Who was she kidding? Charlie was great. That's why she loved him. But he was too good for her. She would never get him to like her. Probably because she wasn't strong enough to get up the courage to say anything.

She can't hide no matter how hard she tries

Her secret disguised behind the lies

In the night she cries away her pride

With eyes shut tight staring at her inside

All her friends know why she can't sleep at night

All her family asking if she's alright

All she wants to do is get rid of this Hell

Well all she's gotta do is stop kiddin' herself

She can only fool herself for so long

(I'm too weak to face me)

She can only fool herself

Charlie noticed Claire sitting there, looking distant. She was like that a lot lately. It was probably hormones or something to that extent.

Claire saw Charlie looking at her and was reminded of when he had offered her his friendship. Why had she turned him down? Her chance to get close to him and she had turned him down. I'm too scared, she thought.

Coincidentally, Charlie was thinking of the same instance. Charlie couldn't understand why Claire had turned him down. Maybe she knows I'm a drug addict. Maybe Locke told her. No... That's not it. They say that mothers know everything. She's close enough to being a mother. Maybe she figured it out for herself. I didn't think this flu excuse was going to work. She can tell I'm going into withdrawl, Charlie thought.

I never know

Just why you run

So far away

Far away from me

I never know

Just why you run

So far away

Far away from me

Thinking of his drug use reminded him about the rest of his past. He had been so sure of himself before the plane crash. If anyone asked him anything, the only regret he had was not having Drive Shaft last longer. He had everything under control. No problems. Yeah right.

That was only the air he gave off. His life was so fucked up he didn't know where to start. When the band had started? No, it wasn't the band's fault. When Liam started using? Maybe. But Liam hadn't put the drugs in his hand. He had just left them there. When Charlie had started using? Bingo. No one had forced him to use drugs. No one had forced him to have sex with all of those girls. But, playing the part of the little brother that he was, he followed Liam's example. And thus it had all begun. Liam had had part in messing up his life. But Liam didn't take the music away from Charlie, he had done it to himself. Now, on the island and clean, Charlie saw this. If only I had earlier, he thought.

Charlie knew he was an addict. And he knew that he wasn't anywhere near having control over his addiction. But that didn't mean that he didn't wish he hadn't thrown his heroin into the fire. It would have run out, eventually, anyway. Of course, that would have been accompanied by panic. And the withdrawl would have been worse. Maybe he could have weaned himself off, taking smaller and smaller doses until he was on nothing at all.

Well, can't go back, now, Charlie said to himself.

Charlie saw Claire glance his way, but avert her eyes when she saw that he could tell. Charlie knew that he was madly in love with Claire. Sure, he brought her to the caves so that it could be safer. But that wasn't the only reason. Charlie wanted Claire near him. Of course, Claire probably didn't share the feeling. She had rejected his idea of friendship. Gracious and polite as it was, it was a turn down. He knew them well, so it was just another loss to add to his collection. But, who was he kidding? Claire was way too good for him. Her goodness radiated from herself. She was perfect, whether or not she had an unwed pregnancy. I could never have her.

When it comes to how to live his life he can't be told

Says he's got it all under control

Thinks he knows it's not a problem he's stuck with

But in reality

I'd be a problem to just quit

An addict

And he can't hold the reigns

The pain is worse 'cause his friends have it the same

Tries to slow down the problem he's got

But can't get off the carousel until he makes it stop

He can only fool himself for so long

(I'm too weak to face me)

He can only fool himself

Claire couldn't take it anymore. Charlie and she had been exchanging fleeting glances for about fifteen minutes now, each of them trying to avoid being caught looking at the other. She had had enough. Claire stood up and walked over to Charlie to actually start a conversation.

"So... Whatcha doing" Claire asked. Oh, that was a beautiful entrance, Claire. Great conversation starter. He was looking at you. You were looking at him. Both of us know it, but are too shy to say it, Claire mocked herself.

"Just, you know, thinking" Charlie replied, and then mentally kicked himself for it. He should have been more poetic or something that could have impressed her. Why can't I be like Romeo and spew poetry like"What light through yonder window breaks? Tis the east, and Claire is the sun"?

I never know

Just why you run

So far away

Far away from me

I never know

Just why you run

So far away

Far away from me

"Same" Claire replied.

"Uh, so, whatcha wanna talk about" Charlie inquired, trying to think of something that would woo the beautiful woman in front of him.

"So, um, how's that flu going" Claire answered. She was really curious if he felt better or not.

"Oh" Charlie said plainly, his stomach doing acrobatics as he was reminded of his lie. "Um, it's getting a little better."

Claire nodded. She didn't talk much when she was feeling sick, either. "Can I ask what you were thinking about"

Charlie almost said, You, but thought better of it. She had made it obvious enough to him that she didn't want to be friends. To tell her that he was in love with her would have been a little overwhelming. So, what am I gonna tell her? he asked himself. "About the future." He was satisfied with this reply. If any relationship was going to happen between them, it would be in the future. After she had her baby and took care of it.

Claire nodded again. It would probably be a long time before she could ever get him to forgive her for saying"No" to his offer. And then, for some reason, Claire had a random burst of courage that she could probably thank the hormones for. "I was thinking about you, Charlie."

Charlie looked extremely surprised. Why in the Hell would she want to think about me? There are so many other people on this island for her to think about. Why would she choose me? he screamed in his mind. Finally, he got control of himself and slowly went from flabbergasted to interested looking. "Can I ask why, of all people, would you think about me"

"A lot of reasons. Because you're nice to me. Because of your offer of friendship" at this Charlie looked down, expecting chastisement for being so foolish. He was surprised when her list when on. "But mainly because you told me you would keep me safe."

Instantly Charlie had a reply to this. "I meant it, Claire. I won't let anything happen to you. But I'll only protect you if only you want me to." He mentally smacked his forehead for the last part. Claire had made it clear that she didn't want a friendship.

So it really surprised Charlie when Claire nodded. "I want you to, Charlie. And I really regret what I said when I turned down your friendship. That wasn't quite what I meant. I just... I was afraid to tell you what I really wanted you to be..." Claire immediately scorned herself for saying that. He's going to think that you don't like him and want him to change.

Charlie pondered this. What did she want him to be? The Rock God that he used to be? A better singer, like Liam? Whatever it was, he would do it for her. But what did she want? For him to be...? No, that's silly. She wouldn't want that. So he asked her to instead find out what she really meant"And what's that, Claire"

Fly with me under the wings I gave you

Try to be closer to me and I'll save you

Fly with me under the wings I gave you

Try to be closer to me and I'll save you

Well there was no going back now. Claire had to tell Charlie how she felt. She just hoped that he returned her feelings. "I wanted you to love me, Charlie. I still want you to. I... Um" Claire looked down.

If Charlie was able to jump up and do a back flip he would have. But withdrawl and lack of flexibility were keeping him to the ground. Luckily, his facial expression conveyed all of his exuberance. As Claire's eyes were filled with hope, Charlie hugged Claire tightly. Or, as tightly as he could with her pregnant belly in between them. "I do love you, Claire" was what he whispered in her ear. He mentally patted himself on the back. His guess had been correct. He had last guessed if she wanted him to be her boyfriend. He had thought it silly at the time, but now it might be a reality. "I do love you, Claire. But, I didn't think that you wanted to be near me at all. Not after what you had said yesterday. I mean, I was ok with it. It was your decision. But" Charlie finally had to stop for breath.

"Well, it doesn't matter now. What's past is past." She hugged Charlie back and continued"I didn't mean it to come across the way it did yesterday. I'm just..."

"Hormones" Charlie guessed.

Claire nodded. She kissed Charlie on the lips and smiled. Now she wouldn't have to lie anymore.

Charlie smiled and blushed slightly at the kiss. This twisted merry-go-round of love and anguish would finally be over. The carousel had stopped. And now it wouldn't matter about his withdrawl. He would now be filled with Claire's love. And that beat heroin any day. Because it was real, and he didn't need to worry about re-supplying. Endorphines and adrenaline rushed through his veins, and Charlie took Claire in for a lip-lock with more magic than either had imagined.

I never know

Just why you run

So far away

Far away from me

I never know

Just why you run

So far away

Far away from me

I never know

Just why you run

So far away

Far away from me

I never know

Just why you run

So far away

Far away from me