Yay! Wannon-chan strikes again! Yes, that's right…your favourite Final Fantasy VII fanfic writer is BACK with another number one hit. * Wannon pauses to hear cheers of joy…but is sadly disappointed * Nowl…what's wrong with you people? Don't you like my fanfics? * Wannon hears chirping crickets *
I'll take that as your final answer…fine. I'll write this anyway, just for the hell of it.
(I'm just kidding…I know you all love me! ^.^ ) * Wannon-chan hums along merrily ignoring all protests * Extra Note: smeegee-san insists that I refer to Sephiroth as Sepiwoth…cos of the 'sepiwoth song.'
~ Wannon-chan ~
Rufus was sitting in his high-backed chair, with a glass of red wine. He sighed. He had had many women in his lifetime…
~ Rufus interrupts ~
Rufus: "Excuse me…are you implying that I am a male slut?"
Wannon: "Me? Imply? Never…"
Rufus: "Okay, so maybe it's true, but THEY don't need to know that!"
Wannon: "But the thing is, I can't blame those women…you are pretty damn lusty!"
Rufus: "Why thank you"
Wannon: "Can I continue now?"
~ Rufus is smoothing his hair back and admiring his image in the window ~
Rufus: "Go ahead"
So Rufus was a male slut, to put it mildly. Or strongly…which one am I looking for? Oh, wait. Strongly. That's the one. But Rufus had been having second thoughts about his sexuality. He never seemed to like looking at women anymore...he was too busy checking out the men and comparing them to Cloud.
~ Rufus pauses in his preening to gasp at what Wannon has written ~
Rufus: "That's not true! Delete it!"
Wannon: "I won't. I know it's true, I saw you checking out our waiter when you took me out to dinner that time!"
~ Rufus blushes ~
Rufus: "You're embarrassing me, Wannon!"
Wannon: "Sorry honey…you know it's true, but you can't come to grips with it yet, that's all…I give you about another few hours before you realise that you love Cloud"
Rufus: "Cloud?!…well, he is kinda cute…and he is infatuated with me…"
Wannon: "Exactly. So you're admitting that you're gay?"
Rufus: "Never!"
~ Wannon sighs ~
Wannon: "I'll break you…eventually"
~ Rufus ignores Wannon, he's preoccupied with a strand of hair that won't stay put ~
Rufus: "You got any hair gel, Wannon?"
Wannon: "I don't know why I bother sometimes…"
Rufus wouldn't admit it, but he really did love Cloud. He was just scared of what the people would think when they found out the President of Shinra Inc was gay. Quite frankly, I don't think he should care…but Rufus was a stubborn S.O.B…
Rufus finished his eighth glass of red wine…he was a wee bit tiddly by then. He pressed the button for the intercom on his desk.
"Yes Mr. President?" the receptionist said. Rufus giggled.
"Yes Mr Pwesidint?" he mocked. The receptionist sighed.
"Can I help you, Rufus, sir?" she asked patiently. Rufus began making fart noises with his armpits.
"Oh! Excuse me!" Rufus laughed.
"Are you feeling okay, Mr President?" The receptionist asked anxiously. Rufus was acting very strangely….
Rufus cupped his mouth and began making Darth Vader noises.
"Luke…I am your father…" he rasped. The receptionist began to giggle slightly.
"Sir? I never knew you liked to play jokes!" she laughed. Rufus began to make chimpanzee noises, before closing off the intercom. He fell of his chair laughing.
"Oh boy! That was fun!" he exclaimed as he gasped for air. He spotted his telephone.
"Aha! Prank call time!" he yelled, leaping on his phone and grabbing his address book from the drawer beside him. He had almost everyone's phone numbers stored away in that little book. This'll be fun! He thought happily. He opened his address book to the first page. The name he found was Scarlet. He dialed her number.
"Hello, Scarlet speaking" Rufus heard.
"Hello…is Mr. Seymour Butts there please?" Rufus asked in a high nasal voice. There was silence on the other end of the line.
"I'm terribly sorry…you seem to have the wrong number. There is no Seymour Butts here" came the reply. Rufus couldn't contain his laughter, bursting into giggles. Scarlet began to laugh too.
"Kyaa ha ha ha!…wait, why am I laughing? I only ever laugh around Rufus!…Oh…Rufus? is that you?" she queried. Rufus didn't answer.
What do I say? He thought.
"Uh…no, this is Cloud" he said, trying to imitate Cloud's voice as best he could. Scarlet gasped.
"Cloud?" she exclaimed. Rufus hung up.
"Hee, hee, that was fun…kinda. Scarlet's such a stuck-up cow…she always spoils my fun!" Rufus said to himself. He looked at the next number in his book. The name clearly said Reno. Rufus contemplated skipping Reno, who was really aggressive towards Rufus…but then Rufus realised that it would prove to be very entertaining. So he dialed Reno's number. A very sleepy-sounding Reno answered.
"Hello…?" Reno said.
"Hi…this is your local fridge repairman. Is your fridge running?" Rufus asked. Rufus heard a growl on the other end of the line.
"No, it's f'n not! Now piss off!" Reno yelled. Rufus laughed, then hung up. Next…Rufus thought.
"Hello?"
"Hi, this is-"
"Ha ha! Got ya! You may think you're talking to the beautiful Yuffie…but you're actually talking to the beautiful Yuffie's answerphone! Leave a message if you're good-looking…if not, I don't wanna talk to ya!" Rufus heard. He sighed. Damn answerphone…oh well, I'll leave a message! He thought.
* Beep *
"BUURRPP! BURRPP! BUUUUUURRRPPPP!" Rufus…uh, burped…before making more armpit fart noises, then hanging up. He dialed the next number.
"Hello, Vincent speaking" Vincent said.
"Vincent! Wassup!" Rufus said.
"May I ask who's speaking?" came the reply.
"You mean you don't know who this is?" Rufus asked in mock horror. "I'm hurt!"
"I'm sorry…I honestly cannot recognise your voice…will you please tell me who you are so I may speak with you?" Vincent asked politely. Rufus cleared his throat.
"My name is Oscar Meyer" Rufus said. Vincent sighed.
"No it's not…that's the name of a wiener company!" Vincent said. Rufus laughed.
"You're right, Vincent. I'm sorry. My name is…Slim Shady!" Rufus said, waiting for a reaction. He didn't have to wait long.
"YOU MOST CERTAINLY ARE NOT! And, might I add, I am beginning to tire of your charade…if you do not tell me your REAL name, then I am afraid I do not wish to speak with you!" Vincent snapped. Rufus blew a raspberry before hanging up. He dialed the next number on his list.
"Hello, this is Tifa"
"Uh hello…is mistah Wing there?" Rufus asked in an Asian accent.
"No, I'm sorry. There's no-one by that name here" Tifa said.
"Oh…well, is mistah Wong there?" Rufus asked again in the Asian accent.
"No…there's no Mr Wong either, sir"
"Well, I musta Wing the Wong numba! Hahaha!!" Rufus yelled, then hung up. He sobered up slightly when he saw the next name in the book. He dialed it.
"This is Belle…you have reached Sephiroth's lair, but he can't come to the phone right now. He's trying to train me to be a killer…and help him kill Cloud. If it's really urgent, yell loudly. If not, then just hang up now. If you're Cloud, then prepare to die! Ha ha ha ha…" Rufus was disturbed. But he wanted to talk to Sephiroth, so he began to yell after the beep.
"SEPHIROTH! SEPHIROTH! SEPIWOTH! HELLO?!" Rufus yelled. The phone was picked up.
"What!? This better be important!" he growled.
"Sephiroth! This is Rufus" he said.
"Rufus?! What do YOU want?" Sephiroth snapped.
"I have a favour to ask of you…could you possibly kill off Scarlet, and make it look like an accident?" Rufus asked politely.
"Scarlet? Oh, it would be my pleasure, Rufus my friend. She really bugs me" Sephiroth replied happily.
"Great! Thankyou Sephiroth!"
"No problem…bye"
"Bye!" Rufus said, feeling pleased with himself. He looked at his address book. There was a number written down there…but for some reason, there was no name. This intrigued Rufus, who dialed the number immediately.
"Hello?" came the familiar voice.
"Hi…look, I'm just checking who's number this is. I have it written down, but no name is there. Can you tell me who's house I have called?" Rufus asked.
"You've called Cloud's villa! And I'm Cloud! Nice to talk to you!…um, what's your name?" Cloud asked. Rufus gulped, and blushed a rosy red. Cloud…if only I could tell you how I feel…wait a second! I can, and I will! Rufus thought.
"This is Rufus…" he said. Cloud gasped.
"Rufus? What…why are you ringing me?…I'm sorry, but I don't want to talk to you…you hurt me bad"
"I…I'm sorry, Cloud. I should have never done that to you" Rufus said. He was beginning to sober up.
"I know you're sorry…but I need to just be as far away from you as possible right now"
"But Cloud! I…I lo-"
~ Rufus interrupts ~
Rufus: "Wannon! I can't trust you for even five minutes alone on this computer without you revealing things! Stop it!"
Wannon: "The truth has to come out sooner or later, Rufus sweetie"
Rufus: "Yes…but when I'm ready, and not before"
Wannon: "Oh, come on…just think of how happy little Cloudie-boy will be once he finds out you love him! The look on his cute little face! Awww…it makes my heart flutter just thinking about it!"
~ There is a knock at the door to the room where Wannon and Rufus are ~
Wannon: * Distractedly * "Come in"
~ Cloud enters, much to Rufus' embarrassment ~
Wannon: "Cloud! Hey there buddy!…feel like hanging around for a while?"
~ Cloud glances nervously at Rufus ~
Cloud: "Uh…sure…if Rufus doesn't mind"
Rufus: "Uh…no, go ahead Cloud"
~ Cloud grins and sits next to Wannon, as Rufus admires Cloud from afar ~
Cloud: "Another fanfic, huh?"
Wannon: "Yep. Hehe, I have no other life…oh, that makes me sad…"
~ Cloud hugs Wannon…Rufus glares angrily at her. Wannon grins ~
Cloud: "Don't worry about that! I'll take care of you!"
Wannon: "Wahoo! It's times like these I love having a gay friend!"
Cloud: "Well I'm glad someone appreciates me"
~ Rufus becomes angry ~
Rufus: "I DO APPRECIATE YOU! I LOVE YOU FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!"
~ Rufus blushes, as Cloud grins ~
Cloud: "Finally!"
Wannon: "Finally!"
Rufus: "Uh…uh…"
Wannon: "Hehehe…that was so sweet"
Rufus: "I…I uh…"
Wannon: "You two can go now…and get acquainted"
Cloud: "Thanks Wannon"
Wannon: "Anytime, sugar"
Rufus: "Ah…erm…"
Cloud: "Let's go, my sweet little Rufus"
Rufus: "Oh…okay…"
Wannon: "He speaks! It's a miracle!"
~ Rufus shoots Wannon a look, before realising that she was responsible for him now being 'with' Cloud…in the biblical sense ~
Rufus: "Uh, I guess I owe you a thankyou"
Wannon: "You're welcome"
~ Rufus and Cloud leave ~
So Rufus admitted his love for Cloud, and the two left hand in hand…wait a second, they were on the phone! Oh nuts.
They announced their love for each other, and lived happily ever after!
There! That makes more sense! Mwaahahaha!
The end.
Short, I know…but next time…Belle will make her first appearance as the evil 'spawn' of Sepiwoth…so yeah, that'll be longer, methinks…
So keep your eyes out for it. It'll take me a while, what with exams and stuff, but I shall try…
~ Wannon ~
P.S. This story is dedicated to Smeegee-san, who introduced me to the whole 'Rufus & Cloud' thing. Thanks Smeegee! ^.^ Hope you enjoy it!