Chapter 1
Plot Devices Everywhere!
KIRBY 64: THE CRYSTAL SHARDS starts with a cutscene of a heart with a face, three smaller hearts attached to it, and a ring. It doesn't seem to serve any importance at first. Oh, and it's in space. Then we move on to land to see a bunch of fairies flying, but that's lame. Suddenly, some dark fog covers the sky, and the heart-shaped planet. Indoors, RIBBON and some other person no one cares about are watching over a giant crystal for some reason. We assume that it's important to the game somehow. RIBBON grabs it, and a hole in the ceiling appears, and she flies up with it.
RIBBON takes one giant look at the heart planet, which is almost completely covered in dark smog, or whatever that's supposed to be. Three eyes with darkness surrounding them start to chase her, and the chase is on!
RIBBON: Could this game get any more ridiculous? This thing is holding me back!
RIBBON sits on it and hovers away from them, even though she has wings to fly with. One of them hits her, and then all three of them send her crashing into a star planet with two rings ringing around it.
The TITLE SCREEN has KIRBY, KING DEDEDE, RIBBON, and a PAINTER. Oh, and a WADDLE DEE for some reason. The background looks like a green-and-white checkerboard. THE PLAYER selects a new file, and the first thing the game asks is:
"Do you know how to use Kirby's Copy Ability?"
Despite it being painfully obvious, the PLAYER chooses "Nope!" The player is treated to a tutorial with a white-and-blue checkerboard floor and background. The only thing we learned from the tutorial was that we can combine two abilities. After this, they ask if you want to view it again. Of course not!
KIRBY is seen crashing from the sky to the ground for some reason. He gets up to see RIBBON on the floor, with a CRYSTAL SHARD. Another one of these things falls on KIRBY's head. RIBBON wakes up. They look at each other, and then look at the sky. There are shooting stars. They both go on a journey to...do something.
The star planet name turns out to be Pop Star. The PLAYER clicks on it, and is taken to a screenshot of a torn sketchbook page with a crayon drawing of a planet, and the first level next to it.
KIRBY: Obviously if I clicked on it, I want to go to the ONLY AVAILABLE LEVEL. Why can't it just take me there automatically?
The first level is a generic forest like place. The music there is really good. The first ability he gets is FIRE. The PLAYER notices that KIRBY's appearance didn't change.
KIRBY: That's stupid. If my appearance doesn't change, then there's almost no point in copying abilities.
KIRBY goes inside of a wooden house and fights this huge gray monster. Smaller versions of it keep spawning from the sky. KIRBY tosses his FIRE ability away and swallows the smaller ones and spits them into the bigger one. No, this is not sex.
KIRBY goes out from the other side.
KIRBY: Why is there a door on the other side?
He keeps going and eating stuff, finishing the rest of the level. The next cutscene shows a WADDLE DEE holding a CRYSTAL SHARD, before DARK MATTER takes over him.
Meanwhile, KIRBY and RIBBON see WADDLE DEE sitting there.
KIRBY: Hey Waddle Dee! Even though we're enemies, and I should probably just kick your butt right there, it's nice to see you!
WADDLE DEE turns to him with ONE HUGE EYE.
KIRBY: OH DEAR LORD WTF IS THIS THING!
The battle consists of WADDLE DEE either crashing into the sides, or jumping and crashing on the ground. Oh, and shitting out stars that you can swallow and spit at him. After you beat him, he throws out the CRYSTAL SHARD, and DARK MATTER goes away. RIBBON and KIRBY high-five, and they go on a life changing journey with WADDLE DEE. The end of the level shows KIRBY in front of a blanket, with a bunch of food scattered. As KIRBY turns left and right, you have to press A at the right time to jump towards a spot. If he misses, he cries. What a baby.
The next level is a forest at sunset. You eventually go inside of a tree stump.
KIRBY: Didn't they have something like this in Ocarina of Time?
He can go up through circular platforms, but not other ones for some reason. He goes up, and gets out from a door to the right, and then goes on a wooden platform hanging from a clothes wire or something. WADDLE DEE is on top.
KIRBY: Weren't you just with us?
WADDLE DEE: Get on, and you can go to the other side!
He gets on, and a CRYSTAL SHARD turns out to be hidden in the middle of the path, under the platform.
KIRBY: Did they honestly think we wouldn't find it just RIGHT THERE?
WADDLE DEE: Must keep moving...
He goes inside another tree stump, and this time he has to go down.
KIRBY: How did cake end up here? It might be expired by now, but oh well. NOMNOMNOM.
KIRBY goes down and has to fight this giant spring monster. It is fought much like the monster from the last level, expect that it...bounces in place.
KIRBY: Could they not rehash boss ideas for once? I know this is a mini-boss, but still.
RIBBON: Nope! You may fight a few more just like it, and that's if you're lucky.
KIRBY beats it, and then it shows a cutscene of ADELEINE painting something. A CRYSTAL SHARD drops down besides her. She picks it up, and DARK MATTER forms on the painting and possesses her. KIRBY, RIBBON, and WADDLE DEE (despite still being on that platform thingy) merrily run up to ADELEINE, whose eyes are closed. She opens them, and smiles evilly. The PLAYER realizes that shit's about to go down.
KIRBY: Shit just got real.
ADELEINE draws four generic monsters that come to life, which KIRBY swallows.
WADDLE DEE: Dude, why don't you just draw multiple Meta Knights or something?
ADELEINE draws a brown undecipherable...thing. Again, KIRBY swallows it.
KIRBY: Your art is beginning to look like crap.
ADELEINE: You actually ate that piece of shit?
KIRBY: Why not? There wasn't much food here.
ADELEINE draws a monster that sends out ice blocks. KIRBY swallows and spits them back at it.
KIRBY: You're trying so hard to defeat me, and you're drawing monsters whose parts I can swallow?
She draws a giant eye with blackness surrounding it. The battle with it is just like the two other minibosses from before. KIRBY defeats it, and the BOSS comes on stage herself and tries to attack him, but a sliding kick sends her back. KIRBY gets yet another CRYSTAL SHARD.
KIRBY high-fives WADDLE DEE, who did nothing. ADELEINE joins them.
KIRBY: Oh cool! You can draw us this giant monster to defeat whoever the big bad is, right?
ADELEINE: Nope! Instead, I'll use my abilities for things you won't even need!
KIRBY: How bout food?
ADELEINE: Don't push it. Oh, and I should warn you, that I'm a yaoi fangirl, which means I draw yaoi fanart.
KIRBY: That, I didn't need to know.
Despite having a bunch of people in his group, you don't actually see them unless they're needed to get through certain obstacles.
The next level seems like yet another generic forest, at first. Then he enters a castle. He goes on an irrelevant moving platform, and then goes up. For some reason, there's a hole on top of the castle.
KIRBY: Excuse me for a second; I'm going to eat this squishy old tomato.
He eats it, and then goes on and fights a bunch of enemies. He drops down another hole, and finda a Crystal Shard under a green block.
KIRBY: Perfect timing! I have the cutter ability!
Nothing happens as he cuts through it, so he goes to the next room and sees ADELEINE.
KIRBY: How did you get here before me?
ADELEINE draws a tomato so he can restore his health.
KIRBY: OOH! LUNCH!
ADELEINE: Go already.
He goes to the next room, which has stairs, a fountain, and some lovely rainbow windows. There are also chains that he must climb up to get to the outside world. From the very top, KING DEDEDE is watching. He sees a PLOT DEVICE….sorry, I meant CRYSTAL SHARD in the center. KIRBY tries to reach for it, but DEDEDE grabs it. He's able to put it out of KIRBY's reach, even though KIRBY can just float and grab it. Suddenly, DARK MATTER encases him in a dark orb and drops him to the ground. He gets back up, and appears to be floating.
How is that scary when DEDEDE already has the ability to float? No one knows.
KIRBY fights him. Because his Copy Ability is Flaming Sword (Fire + Cutter), he is able to beat DEDEDE in three hits. DEDEDE comes back for more, but this time he's floating in the air.
KIRBY: Big deal, I can do that too. In fact, I can JUMP just high enough to reach you and smack you around with this.
He hits DEDEDE three more times, and gets the CRYSTAL SHARD. KIRBY, RIBBON, and ADELEINE jump off the castle top. WADDLE DEE does too, followed by DEDEDE. Now hopefully, ADELEINE and WADDLE DEE are dead. But of course, the power of plot will keep them alive, and that's just discouraging.
The next level is a boss we all know and love (well, hate): WHISPY WOODS!
KIRBY: FINALLY A BOSS THAT'S NOT A REHASH!
DEDEDE: I wasn't rehashed…much.
WHISPY WOODS spits out apples, and has three tree stumps around him that shoot wind projectiles from their mouths or something. Oh, and if you hit them, WHISPY WOODS takes damage. This is relatively easy.
TREE STUMPS: Sweet! We haven't given blowjobs in such a long time!
When they're defeated, WHISPY WOODS turns red and shakes off more apples. Instead of tree stumps, he sends four spikes to your area. Again, he takes damage if you hit them. To the credit of the boss, they don't stay there for long, but it's still pretty easy. This goes on for a while, and WHISPY WOODS is defeated.
KIRBY: I'm ready for Round 10! But I guess you're all worn out. You're coming with us, right?
WW: Noooo..
KIRBY gets the SHARD OF DOOM and a STAR SHAPED PORTAL opens up. RIBBON comes in, and then the rest of them do. By now, the viewers are wondering why DARK MATTER hasn't tried to possess KIRBY.
WHAT PLANET WILL THEY GO THROUGH NEXT? FIND OUT!