For jetpackingpenguin, who asked for a fix-it fic.
Disclaimer: I'm sitting in the lab, waiting for my samples to finish so I can analyze them. Pretty safe to assume I'm not affiliated with Castle in any way.
To Where We've Never Been
"Castle. Where are we going?"
"To the bedroom. Come on. You're going to love this."
He turns down the covers, reaches for the bottle of massage oil before realizing that Kate isn't following him. That she's still standing in the office, frozen in place, the expression on her face a cross between disappointed, frustrated, and confused.
"Kate..."
She doesn't move.
"Kate, what's going on?"
He crosses to her, reaches out to twine their hands together, but her arms stay firmly by her sides. He disguises the motion by lifting his arm, running his hand over his face, but her rejection stings. She can see it in his eyes.
And she doesn't want to hurt him. Doesn't want this to turn into a fight. But she does want some answers.
"What's going on?" he asks warily.
She shakes her head, unsure of where to start.
"Is this still about Vaughn?" At the vaguest shake of her head, he barrels onward. "Is it me? Or..."
"Yes...?" she manages meekly. She probably should have thought this through a little more before bringing it up but, well, too late now.
"Is that an answer? Because that wasn't exactly a yes or no question," he points out, a failed attempt at a joke, and it falls flat.
"It's about both," he says eventually, as realization dawns.
"Yeah."
"So he hit on you and he kissed you, and now...what?"
He's not following, not even a little bit. Usually he can read her like a book but right now he's thoroughly confused. Obviously he's missing something major.
"He didn't actually kiss me, Castle," Kate confesses. Misunderstandings are what got them here in the first place. And those need to end, here and now. Maybe she can start by being completely honest. "He leaned in and he was really really close but...I pushed him away."
"Great, even better," Castle replies with a smile, an obvious attempt to lighten the mood, deflect away from wherever this is headed.
"I pushed him away, Castle," she repeats slowly. "Because I have you, and I'm serious about you."
He pauses as her words take hold, still scrambling for something to grab onto to make this all make sense. But...nope. Still at a loss.
"So then what's the issue here?"
Kate fixes him with a disbelieving stare. "What's the issue? Really, Castle?"
Maybe she's a bit too harsh, maybe it's unfair to expect him to follow her jumbled train of thought, but between the last few days and his current light-hearted attitude, she's losing her patience. Fast.
He shrugs. "You pushed him away. I don't see what the problem is."
She sighs, frustrated, about to tear her hair out. It shouldn't be this hard to get her point across. "You don't trust me, Castle," she spits out. "Do you not remember that conversation? You don't trust me, and yet I'm here with you right now, I was here with you the other night, I'm here with you most of the time now. Because that's where I want to be. And yet you still don't trust me to be a professional and do my job."
"It wasn't that..."
"And to top it off, you spent the entire case trying to turn it into a petty competition between you and Vaughn."
"I wasn't being petty."
"Really?" Kate drawls.
"I wasn't," Castle protests. "I just wanted you to be with me, not a billionaire genius who's ten times more impressive than me."
"If you'll recall, I was with you right before we caught that case," she reminds him. "And you were otherwise occupied."
"I thought we dealt with this already." Castle gestures to the desk, to the gaming control with the now chopped in half cord. "I apologized. And I offered to make it up to you."
"You did. But that's not my point."
"Then what is?"
"That I was at the loft and my presence didn't seem to matter to you but when I got assigned to protect Eric Vaughn, then suddenly you wanted to be with me."
"Yes. Because I was jealous," he fights back. "We already established that. And apparently I had every right to be, considering that he was hell-bent on seducing you."
"But he didn't," Kate reiterates.
"Only because someone shot at him."
"And he's only alive because I stopped him."
"That time," he mutters, and yes, it's childish and unfair but he doesn't stop the words from coming out of his mouth. Because maybe she pushed him away, but the fact still stands that she let him get that close in the first place.
"Okay, you know what," she snaps, sick of dancing around it, of him dancing around it. "You want to know what the real issue is here? Right before Vaughn tried to kiss me, he asked me if you and I were serious."
"And..." Castle prompts when she pauses, waiting to garner his full attention.
"And I hesitated."
He shakes his head sharply as everything suddenly falls into focus. "You what?"
"I hesitated, Castle. Because we've never really talked about it. And things between us lately have been kind of..." She trails off, so many words hanging unsaid that fill the void. "So I didn't know what to say."
"You said yes, right?"
"I did," she admits.
"But you're not sure?"
She raises her eyebrows, lips pulling into a straight, tight line.
"You don't think we're serious?"
"Are we, Castle?" Kate presses.
"Well, I mean, we're still together, aren't we?"
"Eleven months doesn't automatically make it serious."
"No," he agrees with a heavy sigh. He reaches out to place the bottle of massage oil on his desk, shoves his hands into his pockets as his shoulders slump. "No, you're right. It doesn't."
"So we're not serious?" she questions.
"Do you want us to be?"
She steps back to lean against the edge of his desk, folds her arms across her chest. "Castle, that doesn't answer my question."
He sighs again, feeling everything drain out of him. The fight, his earlier romantic intentions, all of it.
"I want us to be serious, Kate."
"But," she prompts. There's obviously more, and he's clearly holding back. What she's not sure of is why.
"But I don't know how," he admits. The normally bright blue of his eyes is darker, clouded with pain and worry and...insecurity?
"What do you mean?" Kate asks, voice softening as she takes in his obvious apprehension. Maybe she's completely misread his recent actions.
"I..." he hesitates. "I don't know how to be serious without it all falling apart in the end."
"But you've..." done this before. Except he hasn't. Not without it culminating in divorce or, at the very least, a messy break-up. "Right," Kate amends, understanding now. "I get it."
"I don't want to lose you," he admits.
"I know, Castle."
"I want to be with you."
"I know."
"But every time I commit to a relationship, it ends badly. And I don't want that for us, Kate."
"I know," she says again, because what else can she say, really? He looks so fragile, so broken, and she wants to just wrap him up in her arms and kiss the pain away.
But they need to fix this now, before they can't fix it at all.
Silence falls, heavy and painful, because this...what do they even do with this?
Castle wants more. That much is now clear to Kate. She wants more, too, though she's not exactly sure how much more she's ready for right away. Eventually, though. She wants the promise of more for someday down the road.
But how can he promise her that when he can't believe in it himself?
Minutes pass before she speaks. "So what do we do?"
He shakes his head, perches on the edge of his desk. "I don't know."
Silence falls again, stretching well beyond the point of awkward. It's tense, and it hurts. So badly. Because they went to so much trouble – Kate went to so much trouble – to knock down her wall. And now they've come to this giant impasse. One with no easy solution.
This time, it's Castle who speaks first. Castle who takes a chance. "What do you want us to be?"
"I want us to be...more," she admits, voice shaky as the words spill from her lips, because she's never, never, been on this end of a conversation like this before. She's never been the one pushing forward, wanting more. And it's...terrifying. Because if he doesn't want the same...
"More how?" he probes.
"I want...I don't know what I want right now, Castle," she confesses. "But eventually..."
"You want more."
"Exactly."
"So if I asked you to move in...?" he ventures. It's hypothetical and extremely risky, but if she's taking the chance by pushing the topic, maybe he can do the same.
"Are you asking because you want me to move in, or because you're trying to prove something?" she challenges, and it's times like this where he hates that she's so unflappable in the interrogation room, so tough and strong and so damn good at this.
"I...well..."
"Then no," Kate cuts in at his hesitance.
"But you just said..."
"I want you to want me to move in, Castle."
"I do."
"Do you?"
It's the same words Eric Vaughn uttered as he disappeared into the elevator today, and their brief exchange comes back to him now.
That's an extraordinary woman you have there.
I know.
Do you?
He does. He knows Kate is extraordinary. He knows that he loves her like he's never loved anyone. He knows that he wants her with him, now and forever. What he doesn't know is whether he's capable of carrying that out.
"I want this, Kate," he blurts suddenly, going for broke, and she startles at the sudden determination in his voice. "But I don't want us to crash and burn."
"Do you remember," she begins, voice soft but sure, "when I first went back to the precinct? That case with the reporter?"
Castle cringes because, yes, he remembers. He wishes he didn't but, well, the way she threw herself at him isn't easy to just...forget.
"Yes."
"The guy said all that stuff about workplace romances and implosions. And I was afraid that would happen to us."
"I remember."
"And you told me that sometimes we didn't know the answers. That we had to live with the questions and find our own way."
He nods. He does remember. He remembers how, at the time, it seemed like such good advice. But at the time, he was on the other end of things.
"I was scared," Kate admits. "I was scared to step into the unknown like that because what if we couldn't find our way? What then?"
Castle shrugs.
"We just have to keep doing that now," she presses, needs him to understand that he's not alone in his fears, his worries for the future. "I'm scared too. If we don't work out..."
He bunches his hand up against the inside of his pants pocket, forcing himself not to reach out for her even though he wants to so so badly.
"I'd fall apart, Castle," she admits on a pained whisper. "I don't think I'd ever get over it."
The words are leaving his mouth before he even realizes he's speaking. "Neither would I."
"But that doesn't mean we should just...never move forward," Kate continues.
"No, you're right," he agrees. "We should. I just...how?"
"By letting go of the past," she answers without hesitation, calling forth all that she's learned in therapy these past two years.
"I can't just..." he finally withdraws his hands from his pockets, runs them both over his face, through his hair. "How can I let go of it? I've been divorced twice, Kate. I can't just pretend that never happened."
"You can't, Castle. And you don't have to. But..." she stalls, worries her bottom lip as she debates the merits of asking this question, "do you know why?"
"Why what?"
"Why you got divorced."
"Because I shouldn't have gotten married in the first place," he answers robotically. It's his automatic response, the one he's always used to justify it. Because it's easier that way. And it doesn't require any real insights.
"But why?" Kate pushes. Maybe if she rams up against this wall he's erected, she'll eventually knock it down.
Is this what he felt like for the last four years? It breaks her heart to know that this is what she put him through, but it also motivates her to fight even harder, because if he was willing to stick around and help break down her wall, then she can certainly do the same now.
Castle sighs, averts his eyes. He really doesn't want to talk about this. He knows they need to. He's just not sure it's a good idea.
"Because I was too young," he answers finally, still refusing to lift his eyes to hers. The words are clipped, detached, and she can see in his body language how hard he's attempting to distance himself from this conversation. "Because Meredith got pregnant and I wanted to do what was right. But she didn't want a marriage. Motherhood wasn't her thing and apparently one man just wasn't enough for her."
Kate's mouth falls open, but he blows right past her reaction so she clamps it down, allows him to continue uninterrupted.
"Gina was different, and we made sense, and she was good for Alexis, so why shouldn't we have gotten married?" He shrugs, scuffs at an imaginary spot on the floor with the toe of his sock. "But it was never really love. Not the way it should have been, at least."
"I'm sorry, Castle," she murmurs, reaches out for him, and he takes the proffered hand, encloses it in his.
"You deserve to know," he deflects.
"I do," Kate agrees. "But I'm sorry for what happened. I...I had no idea."
"Well, now you do." He passes it off as no big deal, but they both know it is. It's a whole new can of worms. And a giant step forward for them. For him.
"Castle," she asks softly, wiggling her fingers within his grasp to draw his attention. "That's not us, okay? Meredith and Gina...I'm not them."
"I know you're not," he affirms, and this time there's no hesitation.
"I'm not with you just because I should be or because it makes sense."
"I know," he repeats.
"And I only want you, Castle. Only you."
"I know."
"Are you sure? Because two days ago..."
"I was jealous," he interrupts. "Not entirely unwarranted, either, it would seem." Kate opens her mouth to protest, stops when Castle continues on. "I'm not even going to ask what was said or why he was that close to you. You pushed him away and that...it doesn't make everything okay. But at least you stopped him."
"I'm sorry," she murmurs. Because she was hurting and insecure and unsure of where exactly she and Castle stood. But she should have stopped Vaughn sooner. And for that, she's completely at fault.
He squeezes her hand, offers the smallest hint of a smile. She smiles back, unfurls her fingers to twine them through his, linking their hands more solidly.
"Are we okay now?" Castle asks after a moment, eyes dropping to their newly entwined hands, to the way her fingers fit so perfectly between his.
"I don't know," she answers honestly. "I'm still not sure we're on the same page."
"We are, Kate."
She lifts an eyebrow, a skeptical arch, and he sighs.
"We are. I promise. I am in this for the long haul. And I do want you to move in with me. I just...I think I need some time to deal with all of this, because you're right. I do need to come to grips with things and move forward."
"So you're saying 'someday,'" she clarifies, just to be sure.
"Someday," he echoes, blue eyes filled with love and promise.
Kate reaches out to catch his other hand, tug him to her, and he comes willingly, laces his fingers with hers.
"Thank you," she murmurs, pushing herself off of the desk and into him, close enough to brush her lips to his in a sweet, gentle kiss.
"Thank you," Castle replies gratefully. For calling him out. For pushing him to open up. For caring enough to do so.
She leans back just enough to seek out his eyes, understanding passing between them briefly before he leans back in, steals another kiss from her lips.
She smiles into the kiss, can't help it, because she's just so proud of him right now. For not deflecting, for giving her the real answers, for trusting her enough to allow her to guide them down this path.
Gosh, she loves him. So much.
"So..." he stammers, lips still brushing hers as he speaks. "About that massage."
She hums against him, nuzzles her nose against his in the softest of Eskimo kisses. "What about it?"
"Well, it is all set up," he murmurs, between kisses, firm presses of his mouth to hers. "And there's plenty of massage oil."
He drops one hand, reaches around behind her to retrieve the bottle from the desk, and waggles it in her peripheral vision.
"I dunno," she teases with a mischievous curl of her lips. "Are you sure you can handle the sight of me naked and covered in massage oil?"
"I assure you, Detective, that I am very good at handling such things."
Kate smirks, reaches up to trace her finger along the line of his jaw. "Are you now?"
Castle takes a step back, then another, tugging her along with him as he guides them to the bedroom. Behind him, the candlelight flickers a soft golden color in the mellow light, shadowy patterns dancing across the room. She can already imagine the feel of Castle's strong hands on her skin, working the knots out of her muscles, and how could she ever say no to this?
"I am," he promises, and she drags her eyes back to him. Her arousal is reflected in the dark of his pupils and she knows he can see it too, knows that he has her convinced.
She releases his other hand as they cross the threshold, grasps the hem of her shirt and slowly, sensually, raises it over her head, discards it on the floor. Castle's eyes are glued to her, to the freshly revealed skin and the rapid rise and fall of her chest and the alluring sway of her hips as she saunters towards him, already unfastening her pants.
"Yeah?" she challenges with the raise of an eyebrow, a sexy gleam in her eyes. "Prove it."
END
Thoughts?