Author's Note:
Hello readers! This is my first Loki fanfic and my first piece using a second person narrative, so I am anxious to know what you make of it. The introduction may be a little too descriptive for some, but I wanted to share the OC's back story. Loki's glorious presence will appear in the next chapter, don't fret. Feel free to leave your thoughts/reviews I highly appreciate it :)
You walked down the snow and ice covered streets on your way home. The cold wind made your usual pale complexion rosy as you pulled your scarf up more to shield yourself. Most nights you were able to get a ride home, but tonight the family you were a nanny to was running on a tight schedule. Your dad was downtown and wouldn't be back until nightfall, and you didn't want to wait around for a bus that would surely run late. The walk home wasn't too far though, so you didn't mind much. In fact, you liked the alone time. While walking and listening to your music you could have some peace. Not that your home life was truly awful. You loved your family and you had pretty much everything you needed. The last couple of years had been personally struggling for you though.
High school was over and your closest friends went off to college and university. You had been on the honour role yourself, and did exceedingly well in most things you set out to do, especially within the arts, but you didn't feel ready for post secondary education. What would you go for? The only thing that spoke to you was writing and art, yet society, and worse your parents, told you there was no job value in that field. You knew that education cost a bundle, so instead of enrolling for the sake of it, you took some time off. It was a hard thing to do, especially since everyone you knew in high school was going off to some sort of post secondary education. Teachers and family members forced it down your throat. Anyone not going on to post secondary education would be a joke. A nobody. Yet you believed that this was one of the biggest illusions of society. Surely if one wanted to be a doctor or a lawyer, further education would definitely be necessary, but there had to be other ways of getting ahead if you had other ambitions. Wasn't there?
There was a truth deep within you that was becoming harder and harder to ignore though. It was the main reason you had so much trouble planning ahead for your future. It was a feeling hidden inside your very soul. Sometimes it would seep through your clutches and into your mind where it became hard to scoop up and stow away again. This feeling scared you. It put thoughts in your head and made you question your existence from too young of an age. You remembered a time when you were around six years old. The feeling had been with you for so long and you had questions about it. Your mom was rummaging through her closet when you came to her. Putting your thoughts and feelings into questions aimed at her, pretending to be merely curious, seemed like a good way to approach the situation. You asked her if she ever felt like she didn't really know who she was supposed to be. Your mother looked confused when you asked her this, so your six year old mind struggled to explain your thoughts and feelings. You began explaining how you knew about yourself; your name, birthday, gender, what you liked and didn't like. You knew your family history. Who your mommy and daddy are, your sister, grandparents, relatives and friends. Yet knowing all of this didn't seem to be enough because you still felt...weird. You could look in a mirror and see yourself, but not know yourself. Like you didn't belong in the world.
Your mom turned to look at you, shock and concern in her face. That look worried you and you immediately felt as if you made a mistake by sharing this secret. Your mom said she never felt that way, and it wasn't good for you to feel that way either. She asked you to forget about those thoughts and be happy with who you were. You agreed that it was silly of you to think like that and she looked a little relieved. Your mom then kissed you and told you to go on and play. After that you never spoke of those thoughts and feelings again, but they never went away. You kept them hidden and when they seeped back inside your mind you quickly tucked them away. For many years the feeling stayed well hidden, even forgotten at times, but as you matured the feeling resurfaced, stronger than before and feeding you a new thought: a thought that told you of your future. No, not your future, the lack of it. Try as you might you could never see yourself growing older in the world. All you saw when you stretched your thoughts into your adult years was a wall of smoke. Like your time on this earth was only borrowed and would soon come to an end.
At first this thought scared you, but the longer it lingered in your mind, the more you began to accept it. You were not necessarily depressed or contemplating taking your life. You felt like something would happen naturally or over the course of time. Young and healthy, you were perfectly willing for the sweet release of death however it came about. Surely you would die. What other release could there be? You never shared these darker thoughts with anyone. Not your family or best friends; you wouldn't have even told your boyfriend if you had one. You kept that part of you hidden away, and used the excuse of "still trying to figure things out" when people questioned your lack of future ambition. You decided to use the time after high school to keep the good person that you were around for your loved ones. You got a job as a walk-in nanny, volunteered at a retirement home, and kept up with your writing and other creative talents.
Two years had passed, yet nothing had happened and the pressure of pursuing further education was ruining your relationship with your parents. You laughed inside at their hopes of bettering your future— what future?—but you loved them too much and wanted to make them happy, so you gave in and applied to college. Now you had three acceptance letters waiting at home on your desk. How much time did you have left? When would you finally be released?
Suddenly your thoughts were interrupted as your lace up boots slid across a patch of ice. You lost your balance and went spiraling to the ice and snow covered sidewalk. Hot, sharp pain filled your skull. You fluttered your eyes open, feeling the falling snowflakes hit your lashes and melt into cold tears that rimmed your parted lids. You rolled in and out of the fading daylight when a shadow filled your view. Was this the release you had been waiting for?