PROLOGUE PART ONE: Kill All Women

"Oh, this is going to be very nice, Abelard. So very nice… Do you know why?"

The ranger horse simply looked up, blinked at his master, and turned to stare at the apple barrel again.

"Because this is going to be a normal day. A normal, relaxing day. No one's going to talk to me or eat me out of house and home or somehow – somehow – make me busy…"

The maniacal tone caused Abelard to look up and glare at his master, who had suddenly become a lot more interesting than an apple barrel.

"Don't look at me like that, Abelard."

"Neigh?"

"I said don't look at me like that! And don't talk to me like that ei—"

"Neigh!"

"Don't interrupt me, Abel—"

"I think he's finally gone mad!"

"I SAID DON'T INTERRUPT ME, ABELARD! Especially when you're actually talking!"

Then it clicked in his mind. Actually talking?

Halt whipped around, and as he did, he heard extremely familiar laughter that caused a cold weight of realization to fall into his stomach. He hoped against hope that Abelard had just decided to say more than "neigh" today. He would have even taken going in sane, but, of course, there were three laughing young men before him once he'd turned fully. One was tall, muscular, and black-haired; the next was tall, thin, stubbly, and blonde; and the last was small and fit with a mop of curly brown hair atop his head. There was no doubt about it – these men could only be Horace, Gilan, and Will.

But why? But how?! He thought he'd gotten rid of them!

"What…" Halt's left eye twitched.

"What, what?" Will repeated.

"What… what… WHAT THE DEVIL ARE YOU DOING HERE?!" Halt pressed a hand to his temple and shook his head before continuing in a more level voice, "You were supposed to be lolling around and dilly-dallying all day!"

Will blinked. "It's only Harvest Day—"

"Yes, and you idiots—"

"Idiots?"

"Boys," Halt corrected himself, "love Harvest Day, so get back out there!"

"Well…"

"Well?" Halt repeated.

"We have a very good reason, y'see." Gilan grinned as though the story was to be published, then continued. "We decided to come here…"

At that, Halt felt his blood boil with such intensity that he heard nothing for a full minute and a half. By the time he'd snapped out of it Will was talking, which probably meant that the story had just begun to get interesting.

"…and we still weren't allowed to watch Corn the Giant Cat because…"

Horace interrupted next: "…of that blasted new ticket woman…"

Gilan threw in an uncanny impression of an elderly woman. He put a hand on his hip, scrunched up his face the way he thought an ugly woman would look, and squealed, "You're not a parent, you'll scare the kids!"

Will cut through Horace's angry mumbles, "…so then we had to go with the Alyss, Cassandra, and Jenny, and they were doing some sort of boring shopping stuff and they kept asking us how they looked and wouldn't let us buy food because they needed money for their precious shopping…"

Halt's eye twitched with new intensity. This was typical. Just typical. He was left to babysit these dolts like some personal babysitter… Immediately he began to plot these women's demise, though all of his progress was lost when Gilan yelled, "Now we have to have kids so our lives can be complete!"

Horace looked up, seeming horrified, and began to mutter beneath his breath in a petrified matter. Will and Gilan seemed to enjoy this greatly.

"So, Halt…" Gilan said.

Halt knew that tone. He knew that tone…

"Have any coffee?"

Halt's eye twitched.

"Made lunch yet?" Will asked.

Halt's eye twitched twice.

"Is there anything to do?"

Halt's eye began to twitch at a violent rhythm.

He'd kill those women.

Then again, he was the Ranger Halt… Why not kill all women?

"Horace, could you pass the honey?"

The knight across from Will looked up, a slight frown on his face, and scooped out what he needed for his coffee before sliding the jar across the table. In reply, Will poked his tongue out juvenilely, looked into the jar, and then, in a sort of aghast squeak, yelled, "That's not enough!"

"Yes it is," Horace argued grumpily.

"Oh really?"

"Yes really."

Will frowned and, after some dramatic scraping, dolloped the honey into his coffee and took a sip. Before it had even come to his mouth he was already making bleching noises. "Gil, find some more!"

Gilan, who was meticulously perfecting his cup of coffee, said, "Well, you're closest to the cupboard, Will. You get it."

"But you're standing, Gil, so you get more."

Immediately Gilan thunked into the nearest seat and said, "Nu-uh" after which silence ensued.

"Well alright then," Will said. "We'll have to settle this like men, then."

"Yeah, I guess we will, Will."

They stared each other down in silence, their hands moving as though they were about to flash an obscene hand signal, but instead…

"ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS… SHOOT!"

The two men looked down at the aftermath: Will's hand pointing scissors and Gilan's flat as paper. Triumphantly, Will glared at his friend and pointed to the cupboard. While Gilan, grumbling, went to the cupboard, Will grinned and said, "Booyah."

Then there was an intake of breath from Gilan. Something horrible had happened… and, of course, the boys yelled to the only person who can fix everything.

"HALT!"

He was already in front of them, glaring at Gilan who, like the others, seemed childishly oblivious to the ominous feeling the room. "Yes."

"We're out of honey," Gilan said.

Halt glanced at the honey jar and repeated, in a slightly different tone, "Yes."

"Halt?"

"Yes."

"Can you go buy so—"

"No."

"Wh—"

"No."

"But—"

"No."

"I—"

"No."

"Can I at least say—"

"No."

"Halt, may I please say something?" Gilan asked, clasping his hands together. Halt raised his eyebrows in reply, so he continued. "Can you please buy the honey?"

"Gilan, tree."

Like a sad puppy, Gilan obeyed reluctantly and left the cottage, causing Will to burst into hysterical laughter… so hysterical that he ended up spilling coffee all over himself and screaming at the top of his lungs. Turning menacingly, Halt glared at the brown-haired Ranger, his eye twitching again.

"Will, tree."

"B-bu—"

"Tree. Highest branch. Now."

"Can I chan—"

"Now or I'll make you strip."

With a squeak, Will stormed out of the cottage with coffee dripping off his front.

Then Halt turned his attention to Horace, who was sitting still as though trying not to be noticed. It didn't work, because seconds later Halt spoke in his foreboding voice.

"Horace, tree."

"But I d-didn't do anything…"

"You're annoying me."

At the word "annoying", Horace pushed himself back from his chair just a bit too quickly, and knocking over his chair, tumbling over, and spilling coffee over his face. Screaming and sputtering, he still managed to push himself up and scurry out of the cottage.

"And you had better not get into any trouble, either!" Halt yelled.

But, despite this, he had a feeling that his threat had gone unnoticed.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Look! It's something insane! No, no, this is just for fun and to vent my insanity, not my serious writing, so I hope you enjoyed the craziness. This has all happened thanks to my friend, Ranger-Halt321, who had a random conversation with me on deviantArt. There were fangirls in it and iPads... it was crazy. So, without her, this insane but awesome idea wouldn't have come true! She'll definitely be in this soon! So, if you didn't like this, by the way, then you'd better turn around right now, because it gets worse (or, depending on how you look at it, better). Raise your hands if you chose better, too! ...Okay, I'm hyper with sleepiness, so I'm gonna leave now. See ya!

DISCLAIMER: I own none of these characters. Do you think I'm Flanaman, making "fanfictions" about his own characters that are really original stories but no one knows that and is pretending to be a girl? What a theory. And a good one, at that...