Author's Notes: Inspired by the Matt Nathanson song of the same title. It has always reminded me of Will and Mackenzie. This story is a bit of an alternative universe. What would have happened if, after the disastrous show in episode 2, Will and Mackenzie had stayed at the office and commiserated over what had transpired? Oh, and what if certain mind-altering substances had been involved? Thanks go out to teanc09 for graciously allowing me to borrow a few original character names and also to LilacMermaid for beta services. Still don't own The Newsroom!
She felt like beating her head against the wall. Really, she did. That seemed to be what she was doing metaphorically with Will so why not actually do it? Maybe it would erase the image of the train wreck of a show that she had just produced. That was her reasoning at 11pm at night. It had seemed perfectly sensible when she started, but when her head hit the desk for the third time she began to rethink her logic.
Why the hell was she punishing herself? She hadn't done anything wrong. It was Jim or Maggie (and she still wasn't sure which) who had screwed up the pre-interview and lost their key guest. It was Will who had refused to just let the damn segment die a natural death. He was the one who wouldn't listen when she begged him to go to commercial and put an end to the disaster she was being forced to watch from the control room. Ok, truth be told she shared the blame. She was the EP and should have made the decision to scrap the whole damn show. They had nothing, but her pride was not ready to admit that to Will or to herself just yet.
God, she needed a drink. She grabbed her coat and bag from the chair near her desk and walked through the deserted newsroom. That was when she saw a small spark of light out of the corner of her eye.
Curious, she followed the glow until she found herself just outside Will's office. She pushed the door open and searched for it again.
"I'm over here" his voice rumbled from the corner.
Her head whipped around and she saw his face in the haze of smoke and glowing ember. Mackenzie steadied herself with a hand against a bookshelf and took a deep breath to calm her beating heart. That's when she recognized the scent.
"Tell me you're not getting high in the middle of the newsroom?" she questioned.
"No, I'm getting high in the privacy of my office. So either shut the door and leave me to it or get your ass in here."
"Will, are you crazy? Anyone could walk in here…including Reese or Leona" she whispered harshly and pulled the door shut behind her.
"Charlie's already ripped me a new one for tonight's show and I highly doubt either Reese or Leona Lansing would be caught dead in this newsroom after 9pm. I'm sure they're at The Met or Cipriani's by now. Relax Mackenzie. There's nobody out there but the cleaning crew and they've already been in here."
"This won't solve anything Will" she lectured.
"Jesus Christ Mac! Are you going to give me the 'this is your brain on drugs' speech too? I know this won't change anything. When did I ever expect smoking a joint to change something other than to give me a few hours of relaxation and some peace and quiet in my own fucking head?"
It was true. The curse of incredible intelligence and a near photographic memory was that Will could never just shut down. His mind was always whirring with activity. She found it difficult to be still physically, but Will could never shut down mentally. He had told her once that he wished he could be more like her, running around until her body finally just gave out. He said she would immediately fall into the deepest sleep he had ever seen. He envied her that. No matter how hard he tried, he could never tire his brain.
"I didn't mean to lecture" she responded. "I just don't want to give ACN any more reason to dislike us right now. Tonight's show sure as hell didn't endear us to them."
"You're really killing my high here Mackenzie. I was very much trying to forget that show" he replied taking another long, deep drag.
"Sorry. But you had to know that Sarah Palin SOT would piss me off."
"And you had to know that we had nothing Mac. We should have cancelled, or patched together old tape packages. We should not have put that crap on the air tonight, you just didn't want to admit it."
"And you don't want to admit that what you did was stupid. Trying to repair what Maggie and Jim broke was an honest mistake on my part. Taking a shot at Palin was just a blatant attempt to win back your audience. This isn't the fucking Tonight Show Will. Do the news or do late night. Pick one!" she yelled dropping into his office chair.
"Alright Mac. I give. You're right, ok? Just give it a rest and let me enjoy this, please?" he asked, looking at the joint as if it held all the answers to their problems.
She found herself wishing it was that easy. If only a few hours of a drug-induced haze could put it all back together for them.
"Hey, I had to watch that debacle…don't I deserve something?" she asked. He handed her the joint and watched as she brought it to her lips and inhaled.
I miss the sound of your voice
And I miss the rush of your skin
And I miss the still of the silence
As you breathe out and I breathe in
Marijuana wasn't something they'd made a habit of when they were together, but she wouldn't lie…they had both enjoyed getting high every now and then. It was usually followed by slow, sloppy love making that could only happen between two people who knew each other so well that it didn't matter how high they were…they still managed to know exactly what the other needed.
She watched him now and wondered if he was thinking the same thing. Damn, she forgot how horny she got when she smoked marijuana.
Come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard and drown me in love
"Ever feel like we should just pack it in and leave it to the Rush Limbaughs and Don Imus' of the world Mac? Are we even getting anywhere?" he asked her suddenly out of the darkness.
"Good Lord Will, are you trying to depress me here or just paint an image of a world where journalism has run amuck?" she handed the blunt back to him. She forgot how maudlin he got when he smoked. Having sex on the sofa in front of the fireplace afterwards usually cheered him up, but that wasn't an option anymore.
"Neither really. Thinking out loud I guess."
"Well, stop it if you're going to suggest leaving the news to the talking heads."
"And what was I tonight Mac? Walter Cronkite? I don't think so."
"I will grant you, it wasn't our finest hour, but we can do better. You know we can. Don't jump ship just yet" she said, swinging back and forth in his office chair.
"Sorry" he mumbled. "Didn't know I even had that option."
"Actually you don't. Not until your contract runs out or Leona fires you. Whichever comes first. So maybe you could give me a chance to put that brain of yours to some good use in the meantime?"
"Do I get any say in the matter?" he asked, chuckling and nearly choking on smoke in the process.
"No, you don't. Will, did you know that swiveling around in an office chair while you're getting high can make you a little nauseous?" she asked meekly.
"Oh God Mackenzie, do not throw up in my office" he practically shouted as he reached out and stopped the chair's movement and pulled her down onto the floor next to him.
"That is so much better" she whispered leaning up against his side and shutting her eyes to stop the office from swaying to and fro before her.
"You always were a lightweight" he said softly.
"Hey, I resent that. Besides, you've got a good eighty pounds on me. The fact that I didn't pass out while smoking with you should prove that I am not a lightweight."
"Whatever you say Kenz" he replied dutifully, handing the joint back to her.
"Don't call me that."
"What, Kenz? I used to call you that all the time."
"You used to fuck me on that desk too. You don't anymore, so don't call me Kenz" she replied wearily. She had also forgotten how blunt she got when she was high.
"I knew there was a reason we shouldn't get high together" he muttered.
"I'm sure you think we shouldn't be working together anymore either, but we're doing that aren't we?"
"Yes we are, Mackenzie" he stressed her full name. "And tonight's show was a rousing success wasn't it?"
"That did not happen because of our past. It happened because we are both stubborn jackasses."
"Probably true" he admitted.
"Probably? You're admitting to being a stubborn jackass?"
"No, I'm admitting that you're a stubborn….oh never mind. Maybe we should try silence for a while Mackenzie."
"Like that's a real possibility. We argue like we breathe Will. Always have. The only times we don't are when we're asleep or when we're…" she stopped, once again realizing where that line of thought was going to take her.
"You can say it Mac. I think we're both well aware of the fact that we used to sleep together."
"This coming from the man who barged into my office this morning to tell me that he did not want a single word uttered about our past relationship."
"Actually, if I remember correctly, what I did not want uttered was the reason we were no longer together. And yet, somehow, that very subject managed to make it into an email sent to every employee of Atlantis World Media!"
"I was trying to defend you!" she yelled right back, and watched as he stubbed out the last little bit of the joint in his ashtray.
"For future reference Mackenzie, please do not defend me. At least, not so damn publicly!"
"Fine" she huffed.
"Fine" he replied.
I miss the sound of your voice
The loudest thing in my head
And I ache to remember
All the violent, sweet perfect words that you said
The silence stretched out between them, uncomfortable and tense. Mackenzie reached over to grab her purse and dug around inside it, until she found what she was looking for. She began to unwrap the chocolate bar that had been stashed in her purse for days and took a small bite.
"Are you going to share with the rest of the class?" Will asked.
"You don't like Flake bars."
"I didn't like the tiny little shards of chocolate they left in the bed when you ate them. I never said I didn't like the item itself."
She handed the candy bar over to him and watched as nearly half of it disappeared in one bite.
"Hey! I don't find these in every corner shop you know?"
"I'll order you more" he told her.
"Not every problem in life can be solved with a black American Express card you know Will."
"I'm well aware of that Mackenzie, but this one can. Now give me another bite."
She took another mouthful of chocolate before handing the candy back over to him, knowing full well that he was about to finish it. She stared as he tilted his head back and swallowed the last of their snack. This would have been the point in the evening where they retired to bed. If they were still together that is. Would they still be together if she had never told him? Or better yet, if she had never fucked it all up to begin with?
If I could walk on water
If I could tell you what's next
I'd make you believe
I'd make you forget
"You don't happen to have any more of those do you?" he asked, shaking her from her thoughts.
"What do I look like a Cadbury vending machine?"
"Don't get your knickers in a twist Mac, it was just a question."
She couldn't help herself, she started laughing so hard she fell over into his lap, tears leaking from the corners of her eyes.
"What the hell is so funny Mackenzie?" he asked, looking down at her and wondering what he had done to set her off.
"I think my grandmother used to say that Will."
"What?" he asked, truly bewildered.
"Knickers in a twist. When did you become an eighty year old British woman?"
"I still tend to use bollocks too. I spent a lot of years with you Mackenzie…it doesn't all just disappear because we aren't together anymore."
She sat perfectly still, suitably chastised by his remark.
"Well, I can't blame you really. Bollocks is one of those terribly useful all-purpose words."
"For you maybe. It tends to get a fifty-year old guy from Nebraska a few odd looks."
She chuckled a bit at that. "I imagine it does."
She turned so she was lying on her back, her head still in his lap, and looked up at him.
"Your hair is shorter" he said, pulling a few strands through his fingers.
"It was a disaster after I got back from Iraq. I had to cut several inches off."
"You did good work over there Mac. You deserved the Peabody."
"You watched?" she asked, uncertain.
"You know I did. How could I not?"
"I imagine there were a lot of reasons you wouldn't give a flying fuck what I was doing over there."
His hand stilled on her head. "I will always care what you're doing Mackenzie. And whether you are safe."
"The feeling is mutual" she told him. "So stop letting Reese Lansing into your head Will. He's getting in there and making you think about things you shouldn't be thinking about."
"What the hell does that mean?" he asked.
"You know exactly what it means William. You are one of the few anchors out there who can really do this. Who can go toe to toe with every guest, every politician and spin master, and force them to say what they mean. Either do that or go work the late night crowd. I can't stand around and watch it though. You know me better than that."
He was eerily silent for a few moments. "You're right."
"Excuse me?" she asked.
"I said you're right Mac. Just accept that I agreed with you and let it go, ok?"
"I must be higher than I thought. Will McAvoy just told me I am right!" she giggled slightly as she said this.
"Enjoy the feeling while it lasts Mackenzie."
"Did you know that, if you stare at it long enough, the ceiling in this room starts to look oddly like a dust storm I was once caught in somewhere outside Bagdad?"
"Mackenzie, you are completely baked!" he chuckled.
"You started it" she pouted.
"Yeah, but I didn't think you would totally lose it after less than half a joint!"
"Do you have any more?" she asked.
"No. I'm not sure I even remember how that one got in my desk, but I sure as hell wouldn't give you any more!"
"Party pooper" she replied.
"You have got to get your head off my left leg. I can't feel it anymore" he told her. He watched as she pulled herself up with great difficulty and leaned back against the bookshelf they were seated against.
"Couch?" he asked. She gave him her hand and he helped pull her up so they could both find a more comfortable place to sit on the sofa in the corner of the room. He looked at her profile, silhouetted in the moonlight.
I miss the pull of your heart
I taste the sparks on your tongue
And I see angels and devils and God
When you come on, hold on
"Are you sorry I came back?" she asked him, eyes wide and focused on his seated form a few feet away from her.
"No Mac, I'm not sorry. I was surprised, that's all."
"Surprised my ass Will. You were completely fucking unhinged. I saw the look on your face" she told him.
"Ok, Charlie could have picked a better way to go about it. But I'm not sorry you're here Mackenzie."
"Ok" she replied quietly.
"Are you sorry you came back?" he asked.
"No. Not for a single second." He looked at her dubiously. "Ok, I could have lived without that whole crazy militia guy and second runner up in the beauty pageant thing. But other than that…"
"Yeah, me too."
They looked at each other and burst out laughing.
"If I wasn't totally horrified that it was happening on my show, it really would have been funny Will."
"Did that guy actually call his rifle Jenny?" he asked.
"I kid you not."
"Where the hell did you get them Mac?" he asked, amused.
"I don't know. Jim, Maggie and Kendra pulled that one off. They were the only guests within an hour's drive of a satellite. We didn't have a lot of options, Will."
"Am I ever going to know the full story of why we lost the governor's office?"
"I still don't know the full story. I'm not sure I want to. Suffice it to say, they won't blow it like that again. Maggie still can't look you in the eye."
"Are they really afraid of me Mac?" he asked with more than a little bit of sadness.
"I don't know if I'd say afraid as much as deeply concerned with not disappointing you Will. Take it as a compliment."
"Are you afraid of me Mac?"
"Never. You are not your father Will."
"That's not what I asked you" he said stiffly.
"Yes it is. That is what you were asking Will."
"Don't go there, ok Mac? We would need a hell of a lot more pot than we have to talk about my family history."
She watched as he turned his head away from her…his way of telling her the conversation was over. But, capitulating was never something she had done well.
"How's Kate? And Jane and Michael?" she asked.
"Fine. Change the subject Mackenzie" he warned sternly.
"You pretend they all don't exist Will. You pretend your entire past doesn't exist, except for the occasional remark about the University of Nebraska. Maybe if you didn't try so hard to hide from it you'd realize you are nothing like him."
"And you would know this how Mac? You never met the man."
"I know what you told me of him and I know that's not you Will. It never could be."
"Can we let the subject drop Mackenzie? I am my father's son, at least literally. The rest is still up for debate" he told her through clenched teeth, holding onto the arm of the sofa for dear life. She knew she had pushed it about as far as she could. Perhaps years ago she would have been able to make him see the truth of what she was saying, but that was no longer her place, and part of her would always mourn that loss.
Now she was getting maudlin. No wonder people thought marijuana was a gateway drug. If things got any more depressing in this room they were going to need something much stronger than pot to deal with the pain.
"Conversations like this would make me want to get high, if I wasn't already there" he muttered.
"Wow, was that circular logic or a syllogism? I always get those two confused" she asked him, looking over toward his slumped form, head resting against the back of the sofa.
"Circular logic" he responded. "You know I think you're wrong about this ceiling. Definitely not a dust storm…more of a cumulus cloud formation or maybe nimbostratus" he told her.
"Will, this shit used to turn your brain off for a few hours. Who the hell gets high and compares popcorn ceilings to meteorological events?" she asked, laughing.
"Me. This is my brain turned off…or at least slowed down. Terrifying thought, isn't it?" he asked.
"Yeah, it sort of is Will. Do you still have trouble sleeping?" she asked. They had both struggled with insomnia from time to time, but eventually she would run herself into the ground and fall into a coma-like state for hours. Will, however, usually only slept well after taking medication, smoking marijuana or vigorous sex. She had been only too glad to help him with that last one. It usually worked out well for them both.
"Sometimes" he responded vaguely. Which, in Will-speak, meant most of the time. She watched as his head lolled back against the sofa, and just for a moment, she thought he had actually fallen asleep.
"I'm sorry" he mumbled quietly.
"I know" she replied, although his admission had shocked her.
"Not just for tonight Mac."
"Me too."
"What exactly are we apologizing for?" he asked, eyelids drifting closed
"I don't know…everything?" she told him sleepily.
"Everything sounds good."
Several hours later, Charlie Skinner walked past Will's office to check on his little experiment. He quietly opened the door and poked his head in. He was greeted by the sight of Will McAvoy slouching down on the sofa in the corner of the room, feet propped up on the table in front of him and head tipped back, mouth dropped open and snoring.
Rested against his side was Mackenzie McHale, curled into a ball with her head in Will's lap.
"I knew there was a reason I put that joint in his desk" Charlie murmured and headed for the elevators.