Kaoru's Light
8-14-2004
Holy Mamma
Kaoru stood on the end of the pier, watching the ship approach the dock, knowing in her heart he would not be there, but still hoping against hope that he might. It was this hope that brought her back again repeatedly, looking for him, waiting for him.
It wasn't that she didn't understand, because she did. She knew that it was something he had to do, an endless debt he had to pay, from a time before he even knew her. She knew that it was a part of him. As much as he loved her, he had to go. And as much as she loved him, she couldn't ask him to stay.
But as much as she understood, her heart still ached. She longed to see him, to touch him again. And as much as she was living, her life was standing still until he returned to her. She went through the daily routines of life, but her mind was on him, wanting him back with her again.
Kaoru was not afraid to be alone. She had been alone before, and as much as she hated it, she had endured. And then her life became full – full of people, full of activity, and finally, full of love. A love she shared with someone who held her dear, but perhaps did not hold her as close as she held him?
Kaoru closed her eyes briefly as the last person disembarked from the ship that had moored close to pier and opened its gangplank. He was not there. It was not unexpected, but disappointment coursed through Kaoru as she turned to go.
As Kaoru made her way back through town, she made sure the expression on her face was unconcerned. However, her mind continued to wander as she made her way back to the dojo. What would her life have been like – if he had stayed?
Kaoru opened the dojo gate and went through the empty complex to her room. The silence was deafening. Memories of laughter came back to her. Memories of that special time when they were all together: Kenshin, Sano, Megume, and Yahiko. Teasing each other and yet sticking through thick and thin together. Where had the time gone?
Quickly brushing a tear from her eye, she reminded herself that she would not dwell in the past. Sano and Megume had gone their own ways to find their own future. Yahiko was a fine swordsman and came to check on her often. And Kenshin ... Kenshin was off trying to save his soul.
Kaoru heaved a big sigh. Kenji was also a problem. He had never been particularly close to his father, not that Kenshin had been home that much. But Kenji was at the age where he needed a father, both to enforce the boundaries of behavior as well as to provide an example of what he was to become. So Kenji had run off, to Hiko of all people. It was probably for the best, Kaoru mused. Perhaps Hiko could provide what she could not, and as much as Kenshin would never admit it, Hiko probably knew Kenshin as well as anyone else.
It did bother her though, that Kenji's intention was to become better than his father, rather than to make his father proud. Well, it couldn't be helped. Until Kenshin returned, Kenji was probably better off with Hiko, learning about life through swordsmanship, and perhaps learning more about his father in the process.
Changing from her kimono into her training gi, she quickly glanced at the pattern on her skin. It was gradually growing larger. Her mind wandered back again; to the few times Kenshin had actually "loved" her. It made her long for his being, his physical contact.
Sighing again, she made her way to the dojo with her bokken. Dreaming was not going to bring him back, and becoming depressed would not do him justice. Megumi had once told her that it was her smile that brought him back. She would not succumb to the black feelings inside her. She would shine with brightness so that she could be Kenshin's beacon to come home.
And what if he didn't return? That was the fear that danced around the corners of her mind and her heart. Could she live with the uncertainty of not knowing? She quickly pushed these thoughts away. These were the thoughts that caused a pain in her soul that burned in her chest like a knot and created a indescribable longing in her. As long as she was busy she could push these thoughts away.
As she passed by, her eyes lingered on the washtub that Kenshin had used so often. When he was here, she had been content. But as his absence went on and on, the feeling of something missing in her life grew. It was a constant struggle to remind herself that she was strong and could be complete with out him, but that feeling of something missing, a void, kept creeping back. In frustration Kaoru wished just for a moment that she could live an ordinary life: have an ordinary marriage with an ordinary man. But even as she thought that thought, she knew that would never have satisfied her.
Kaoru heard Yahiko's call at the gate. She knew that he had come because she had been down at the dock again today. She took a deep breath and steadied herself. She would not show Yahiko her true feelings. She would not show him her doubts. She would not show him her weakness. She would be strong. She would only show confidence. She would not waver from her path. The light of a beacon, unwavering, shining a path for Kenshin to return. She would wait for him, until her light was extinguished.
Author's Notes:
I personally don't agree with the story portrayed by the "Reflection" DVD – I would have chosen a different, more upbeat ending. (As my daughter says, "They didn't even get Kaoru's eye color correct!") However, given that it is what it is, these are some thoughts that turned into a short story about how Kaoru might be feeling. This is loosely based on my own experience of having my husband deployed to Iraq for a year and the conflicting thoughts of wanting to support and yet wanting him to myself.
I also believe Kenshin's "deterioration" was more of an allover growing physical weakness, not the "creeping crud" disease they showed in the movie.
Although I personally enjoy and prefer the stories of closeness between Kenshin and Kenji (see Zosocrowe), the last installment of the manga (if you read the maigo-chan translations, part 255) does not indicate a particular fondness between the two:
(Kenji scowls and pulls Kenshin's hair – he hates his dad.)
Kenshin (laughing): I suppose you'll get used to me eventually.
Lastly, every time I hear Evanescence on the radio I think of Kaoru immediately:
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase