Nope! Chuck Testa
It was officially the weirdest day of Cricket's life. She was sitting in science class, same as usual, when her teacher announced they were going to watch a YouTube video. Okay, first of all, since when could anyone access YouTube at school? Not even teachers were able to do that. And second of all, why a YouTube video? Why not like, TeacherTube or something? Cricket was seriously feeling puzzled.
"Don't worry about taking notes. This video is in no way relevant to anything we are doing," Mrs. Rotthammer was saying. "Just sit back and enjoy."
Cricket shook her right ear, wondering if she had heard was seriously unlike Mrs. Rotthammer, who was known to be a no-nonsense, strict lady. She stared at the Smartboard in a daze, as a YouTube video popped up on the screen.
"Oh my goodness! We're seriously watching this?" Billy asked in an excited voice. "This thing is so funny!" Cricket shivered. Billy's idea of funny was probably Caesar escaping from jail and running down the street wearing an ape suit, passing out bananas. Caesar was the scariest gangster in Santa Martina, and if Billy found that funny, Cricket wasn't sure she wanted to watch this video.
Mrs. Rotthammer shushed the class with her expertise black magic skills and clicked the weird isosceles triangle that was supposedly a play button. Cricket widened her eyes.
"This is a song about a taxidermist?" she whispered to Billy, who was sitting next to her.
"Wait really? I thought it was just some old bald dude playing with puppet animals and singing. It's about a taxidermist? Way cool!"
Cricket rolled her eyes. That was typical Billy nature. He had no idea what was going on, as usual. She decided to put her head down and tune out the annoyingly auto-tuned song. The bell rang just as the video ended.
"That's all guys. No homework! School's out!" Mrs. Rotthammer called over the noise of slamming binders and zipping bags. Cricket waited patiently in her seat as her classmates stampeded out the door. When the classroom was empty, she stood up, slung her back over her shoulder, and walked out with an air of dignity.
Cricket walked on and on for a while before she realized she had no idea where she was going. She turned to her right. She turned to her left. Cricket couldn't recall ever having seen this place before, yet she felt like she'd been here before. Maybe it was déjà vu. Or maybe not…
Cricket spun a wild 720° and somehow ended up facing a completely different direction that she had been facing before. Wondering how that's even possible? We all know that 720° is two 360° turns, so she should have been facing the same direction she had started off with. Well, she would like to tell you that it was a result of her mad ninja skills. Jealous yet?
The wind blew suddenly and Cricket realized where she was, just like that. Hint: perhaps in this context, wind symbolizes ideas. Another hint: it doesn't. The wind is there for fun. Blame global warming.
Anyways, back to our story. Cricket realized she was at the History Museum. She had come here before with Sammy and Casey, when they were trying to contact a taxidermist about a missing condor. That was one of the best days of Cricket's life.
In case you didn't know, nostalgia is quite a strange thing. Right now, it hit Cricket with force and she decided she was going to go visit the taxidermist. Now pay attention ladies and gentlemen, because this is where it gets really weird.
For as long as Cricket could remember, Lester Blunt had been the one and only taxidermist in the city of Santa Martina. So obviously, when Cricket walked into the taxidermy office, it was only proper that she would call out, "Lester Blunt?" Being one for proprieties, Cricket was about to do this. She opened her mouth to call this out, but something else happened. The moment she set foot in the office, she let out an ear-piercing, glass-shattering shriek. She was face to face with a deer, a coyote, and a pheasant.
Cricket staggered backwards, clutching the doorframe with one hand and her chest with the other. It was quite uncomfortable, take her word for it. She gasped for air and slowly started breathing normally. Unfortunately, however, Cricket was not given much time to recover because a majorly bald, old dude with a lichen green colored shirt stepped out from behind the walls and grinned at her. And then… he began to sing.
"You probably thought this deer was alive, and this coyote was alive, and this pheasant was alive," he started. Cricket nodded, thinking he looked mighty familiar.
"Nope! They're dead. They've been taxidermized by Chuck Testa." * Insert suspicious eyebrow raise from Cricket here* "I specialize in the most lifelike dead animals anywhere."
Realization dawned as Cricket realized this psycho singer dude was from the video they had watched in science that day.
A fat guy walked out and pointed at a standstill truck with an antelope sitting inside. "Look at that antelope driving a car!" he exclaimed.
"Nope! It's just Chuck Testa!" the old man sang, popping out from behind the antelope.
Cricket was starting to get a little freaked out. "Um, I think I get it!" she assured them.
"Aw man!" a girl's voice snapped. "I didn't get to play my part yet!" The source of the voice, some teen girl with strawberry blonde hair stomped out. "The economy is down! I want my money back!"
Cricket was most definitely frightened now. "I should be leaving right about now…" she said.
"Wait! It's tea time!" Chuck Testa exclaimed in a creepily happy-go-lucky voice. Chuck Testa began to morph into some clown with a make-up caked face and an Abe Lincoln hat. The other boy completely disappeared.
"Mad Hatter?" Cricket asked disapprovingly.
"I only make $20 a week, okay? If you want to see something more fascinating, drop your donations in my hat."
"Um… no thank you," Cricket responded politely.
Chuck Testa who was now the Mad Hatter muttered a curse under his breath. "Cheap people with high expectations. Figures…"
Cricket was now annoyed, irritated, vexed, and irked. "I'm just going to go now," she stated with complete firmness.
The Mad Hatter frowned. "Fine. Be that way."
Cricket scrunched her eyebrows in confusion. Nobody stopped her as she walked out the building and back home.
And that was how this day was one of the weirdest days in Cricket's life.
What? You're wondering what the point of that story was? Well, Cricket would like you all to know that her life isn't super amazing. Not everything that happens to her has a purpose. That's how most things in life are. Pointless. Cricket would like us to politely laugh at her oh so interesting story and move on with our lives. She thanks you all for wasting your time reading something so pointless, and wishes you a good day.
That was officially the stupidest thing I have ever written :P It was originally supposed to go out on April Fools Day, but it turned out to not be a pranking story, and I wanted to give you guys a chance to read it.
NYD, CammyCrazyGirl, Sammy4ever, COME BACK TO ME! Seriously, I miss ur stories NYD!
Hope you liked it! XD - in honor of CCG
Love forever,
Optimistic4ever