This is not the Fastrack from my writers-blocked G1 fic "NEVER AGAIN" I reused the name. THESE ARE ALL OCs EVEN IF THEY SHARE THE NAMES OF SOME G1 CHARACTERS!! this is very important... I took the names and some personality traits off my fave G1 characters and turned them into Nighthunters (Aka, I made them part of my own universe)
If you read Airstrike's ( www . fanfiction . net/u/1457630/ ) stories... this is in the same universe (We're friends and RP our characters off each other sometimes...)

-Excerpt from the diary of Fastrack, Commander of the Nighthunter Elite-

Why is it that I am so good at recognizing other peoples' depression? Their misery, their joy, their hidden emotions? Why is it I can see them, and help those with negative emotions so easily when I am unable even slightly alleviate my own depression?

Depression is a fact of life for me it seems. I cannot remember when it was that I started becoming depressed, only that I did. Now, it is the bane of my existence, for, I cannot get rid of it; my status as the fifth highest ranked member of the Valacytronian species means that I cannot easily go to someone to be reassured. Too many rely on me, it is a great honour and a terrible burden; I do my best to deserve the many titles and privileges I have.

Perhaps this is the root of my depression; perhaps I work too hard. But I have been given time to be myself many a time before, and yet, that did nothing... I have before managed to alleviate my suffering. It is always the same, when I find another who is upset or depressed, I help them… and in helping them, I lift some of my pain for a while. Am I being self-serving then? I do not know.

I'll never understand… How do the others smile so easily? How can they be so happy? I am, to them, an optimist, a fearless leader, and true warrior. I am none of those things… I am not fearless; I am afraid of many things; afraid that I will allow my depression to get the best of me someday. I work hard to conceal it from every one: from my best friend, from my Second in Command, even from my former Boyfriend.

… Funny, I haven't thought of him like that for so long… Not since we left the academy. We never fought, never said anything, we just… Drifted apart somehow. Maybe I should talk to him; he is a commander too after all. And he's known me longer than anyone. But I can't; I'm his commander now, he looks to me to be cool and collected… Once, I was the one who listened to him, who was his second opinion… How times change…

What can I do? I have no one to turn safely to about my depression. I've considered everyone I know, and there is not a being out there who could help me. I know that I'm not as bad as I was a few months ago though… That's something at least. Helping the Freelancers really did cheer me up… I think… that I really was truly happy for a few hours after that… That is a memory I will hold very dear for the rest of my life.

-End Excerpt-

First Aid rubbed the bridge of his nose on disbelief. He flat out couldn't believe it. Fastrack depressed? It couldn't be. He must have misread. Well aware that he shouldn't be snooping around in his commander's quarters, much less her private diary, he warily glanced around before pursuing the diary again. He opened a page at random and found an entry dated about eight Earth months previous, right around the time that there had been a great celebration. He remembered how much he'd seen Fastrack smiling and laughing then.

-Excerpt-

Finally the day is over. It's painful to have to pretend to be happy when I'm not. It's so difficult, living like this; those earthen fireworks were beautiful beyond compare, and yet… I couldn't enjoy them, not when I was so very miserable. Why does life do this to me? I seek no leave from it, for I love life to much, yet I cannot shake this sadness that has clung to me for as long as I have been an elite, and probably before that.

I do feel content when I'm surrounded by beauty, I do get some pleasure out of watching a sunset. But it is always there, at the back of my mind. This dark cloud of sadness and pain that I cannot ever be rid of. Sometimes I wonder if it's spark damage. Can Black Energon damage to the spark cause depression?

First Aid looked up for a second. Could it? Fastrack's diary showed very clearly that while she was depressed, she refused to let it rule her. He couldn't help feeling a kind of awe-filled respect for her, tinged with sorrow, and maybe even pity at the thought of what life must be like for her. Maybe it was spark damage. Now curious, as well as concerned for his friend's health, he continued reading.

I've certainly been damaged by Black Energon weapons enough times. I cannot count my scars, nor do I want to… I'm not "emo" as the humans call it, and I refuse to be. Some day, some way, I will release myself from this… but not through death or betrayal. Never.

-End Excerpt-

First Aid glanced up when he heard footsteps. Quickly, he replaced Fastrack's diary and made as if he were looking for something on the other side of the room, which he was supposed to be doing anyways. He found what he'd been looking for, Fastrack's ceremonial white robes, and quickly left her quarters. He nodded to Strafe and received a smile from the Lieutenant in return.

"Evnin' Aid."

"You too Strafe," Replied First Aid pleasantly. "You're off shift then?"

"Yep, just got off. You bringing Fastrack her robes?"

"Yes."

"Feh… I'll never understand robes. Why do they make us elite wear them? They look ridiculous."

"I have no idea." First Aid walked down the hall to wear Fastrack was talking with Windstorm and Saberwing. "Here you are Commander, sorry it took so long."

Fastrack smiled at him and took the robes. "Thanks First Aid. Yes, it is a mess in there isn't it? Guess my commanderly duties are getting in the way of my cleanliness ones." She laughed. First Aid laughed too out of habit, but for the first time, he wondered if his commander really was laughing, or if she was wearing a mask. He also wondered if taking that mask off would really help her.