Monty Python and the Holy Grail of Star Wars - part I
By Gabe Z.
I don't own any part of Star Wars, or Monty Python. But I would like to shake the hands of the geniuses who do.
Scene I
(Setting is a clearing on Endor. Luke, followed as close as possible by Yoda, who is making speeder bike noises. Suddenly, Luke stops, turning off any imaginary ignition. Yoda stops, as they spot a black Jedi knight fighting another. One is kicked in the nuts and gets his head chopped off. The winner returns to his post, guarding the bridge.)
Luke - I say, good sir knights, I bid you let us pass.
(Darth Vader is standing at the edge of the bridge, holding his lightsaber at the ground.)
Luke - I am Luke, master of the Jedi. I would be honored if you would join my Jedi Council at Coruscant.
(Vader doesn't move.)
Luke - You sadden me, sir knight. Come, Yoda.
Vader - None shall pass.
Luke - You will let us pass!
Vader - None shall pass.
Luke - You leave me no choice, then. (Ignites his lightsaber. Vader does likewise)
Vader - Yaaaaaahhh! (Charges Luke and misses. Luke perfectly blocks him and as he runs by for another charge, slices his arm off.)
Luke - Your arm's off.
Vader - No it's not!
Luke - Yes, it is!
Vader - 'Tis but a scratch.
Luke - You are a brave fighter, sir knight. I bid you let us pass now.
Vader - Nooooo! (Charges)
Luke - (Slices other arm off.) You haven't got any arms!
Vader - It's just a flesh wound! Come back here! I'm going to kick you to death!
Luke - (Rolls eyes and slices off Vader's left leg)
Vader - (Hopping)
Luke - (Cuts Vader's other leg off. His torso falls to the ground.) Come along, Yoda.
Vader - Come back here, you yellow bastard! I'll bite your legs off!
Scene II
(A dune on Tattooine. Luke, Han, Chewie, and Yoda arrive in the dune, to be confronted by a groups of really tall Jawas.)
Jawas - We are the Jawas who say 'utinni'!
Han - No, not the Jawas who say 'utinni'!
Jawas - We will let you pass. . . but you must bring us. . . A protocol droid! A golden one. Not a whiner! Utinni! Utinni! Utinni
Luke - (Covers ears) Anything but a protocol droid!
- - - -
(A few minutes later. The four go to Mos Eisley, in search of a protocol droid. Luke stops Yoda's noises and steps in front of a small clay hut. A little man comes out, and Luke addresses the crowd.)
Luke - "We are in search of a protocol droid as a gift to the Jawas who say 'Utinni!'"
(Crowd murmurs. The small man speaks.)
Man - "I am a droider; that is my trade."
Luke - "Give us a droid!"
Man - "No!"
Luke - "Utinni!"
Man - "No! Never"
Han, Chewie, Yoda, Luke - "Utinni! Utinni! Utinni!"
(They get the droid back and go back to the jawas.)
Jawa - "It is a good protocol droid. But now. . . you must bring us another protocol droid! A silver one! Utinni! Utinni! Utinni!"
Ok that's it. I feel really weird right about now.