Ah. The Wonders Never Seize.
Summary: Hermione changed over the summer. Or so she wishes.
A/N: Ok, people, this is PLOT-LESS RAMBLE, WHICH RIDICULES ITSELF, so don't leave me angry reviews telling me that people like me piss you off. I warned you. Well, not really plot-less, as it has a plot, even if it's fucked up.
"Honestly, Hermione, are you sure that's school appropriate?" Mrs. Granger asked worryingly.
"Mom, this school doesn't allow pens, how much more fucked up can it get?" Hermione replied, rolling her eyes, and Mrs. Granger, obviously ignoring the uncharacteristic reply for the sake of plot advancement, smiled and gave her only daughter one last hug before the latter got on Hogwarts Express for her last year at Hogwarts. Yes, muggles now could get onto Platform 9 3/4 . The wonders never seize.
Yes, it was Hermione's last year. She of course, has been made Head Girl this year (Oh the surprise!! And of course, all those 'extra-tutoring sessions' with most of her teachers had nothing to do with it.), but disappointed with her smart ass image, she decided to change. And oh my, she changed, changed to the point where she could change no more!! She dyed her hair black with blue highlights, worked out and dieted to become super-thin (read: eating disorder) and still kept her curvy figure (read: implants). She decided that her new image would have to be bad-ass, and mad-ass she dressed. Her now bony figure was clad in a tight black blouse (without a bra, I might add, as those implants required no support), an even tighter mini-skirt, knee-high high-heel suede boots and fishnets. As you might have already figured, bad-ass image is most likely accompanied by that of a slut – or so Hermione saw it, so she also put on so much make-up to surpass that of the whores in the red-light district of Amsterdam (which is basically all of it) which they saw while they were on holiday there. The new image particularly annoyed Mrs. Granger.
"Sweetie, are you sure this is… you?"
"Mother, of course… How else would we be able to advance, or have any kind of plot? Speaking of which…" Hermione trailed off as she started getting on the train. But of course, she was unaccustomed to wearing high-heels, so she tripped into the hands of a handsome stranger, who just happened to stand by the train entrance. He sure was dashing, with bottom-less blue eyes and gorgeous black hair that hid his eyes as if by magic. His muscles were straining to get out of his black sweater, which hugged his body just right. Although he did not look very smart, due to the fact that he forgot to put on some pants in the morning and was now standing on the platform in white boxers with little puppies on them, he was actually quite an intellectual. The stranger slowly lowered her to the ground, and smiled at her sweetly, without letting go. However, Hermione quickly recovered herself and with a glare in the man's direction (who quickly let go, shrugged and quickly disappeared), turned to her mother.
"Well, mother, enough with the set-up, I have to go! The Head Boy and Girl are supposed to be meet with the prefects early on. Buh-bye now."
"My darling! I have to tell you one last thing! …Two of them, actually. You won't be seeing me or your dad when you come back from Hogwarts, we are going to an extensive sex tour to Russia and then maybe drop by Thailand."
"Without me!?" screamed Hermione indignantly, ready to throw a tantrum.
"Well, sweetie, you went to the one to Amsterdam without us last year! So quit bitching, there's also a second thing I have to tell you."
"But I wanna go to Russia!!"
"Oh will you shut the hell up, I have a plot twist to deliver."
"Sorry, mommy."
"That's better. Ok, you see, dear daughter, all this time you thought we were muggles. But you were wrong, we are wizards too!! And pureblood also!! Haha! Gotcha good, sucker! Bet you weren't expecting that at all!!" Mrs. Granger gloated while rolling around on the ground laughing.
Hermione stood calmly, looking down at her mother condescendingly.
"Umm, mother? I knew that already."
Mrs. Granger stopped laughing, got up from the ground and with a frown asked, "Oh. How?"
"Well, you know, when you are practicing such a dramatic speech, you shouldn't do it so loud that everyone in the house and nearby regions could hear you. Plus, the Sorting Hat told me when it was sorting me. And I just kept that fact secret for years. Because that would be more convenient. Plus, that would burst J.K. Rowling's anti-racism bubble."
"And of course, we wouldn't want that." Realization dawned upon Mrs. Granger.
Hermione raised one eyebrow. "No, mother. Of course not."
Someone at the back of the platform whistled and yelled "Looking good, Hermione!" Hermione shook her head (though very pleased with herself – her slutty goal in life has been reached) then game her mother one last hug before getting up on her suitcases so she looked over the crowd. There, she began her speech.
"Hello, fellow people! I would just like to make an announcement, because you all know how loved and special I am, so everyone would like to listen to me." Everyone in the crowd stopped and turned to her.
"You have all known me as the smart-ass Hermione from my first year here. But now it's all going to change. From now on, I'm gonna be bad-ass! (To put it bluntly). I'm gonna rule the fucking school until every male wants me and every female is jealous. Cause Hermione's back and she's GOTHIC!" Then she raised her hands to the sky, awaiting applause. The crowd gaped at her with open mouths, but no one made a sound.
She signed and noted, "But of course, I can still help you with homework." The crowd signed with relief, and the guy behind her raised a giant cardboard sign that said 'Applause' on it, and soon, the crowd was delivering an earth-shattering applause. Some people were even crying, 'cause Hermione's speech was so damn touching. Colin Creevy was rolling around on the asphalt, wailing "She touched my heart!!"
Hermione did a majestically condescending wave and smiled sweetly. "And pass it on to your little friends!!" The cue guy behind her changed the 'Applause' sign to 'Chant' and soon the crowd was chanting Hermione's name over and over again. Hermione, inspired by the crowd, smiled adoringly, when she saw her mother coming back from the car, holding some pink bag. Hermione froze in terror, but she realized she was too late to stop her mother now, because the next thing she heard was her mother's voice, loud and clear above the crowd's.
"Sweetie, you forgot your Barbies!"
The crowd immediately stopped chanting and stared at Hermione. The guy behind Hermione quickly switched the sign to 'Ridicule'. The crowd assumed a Simpsons-esque shape and shouts of "Ha! Ha!" came from all sides.
Hermione let out a frustrated yelp, that might have concealed several profanities and retreated to the depths of the train, though not before snatching the Barbies out of the mother's hands. The baggage and the cue guy magically followed.
TBC
A/N: And yes, I know that Gothic is a time period rather then lifestyle/style/etc, but Hermione's not supposed to be really Goth, so she doesn't know that.