"And I wish you would've hurt me harder than I hurt you.

And I wish you wouldn't wait for me, but you always do."

It's been nine months since I left him. Nine solid months of asking myself every day where I am and how I got here. Jesse was a great guy—is a great guy. He's always been the best friend anyone could ask for, always there when I needed him. He knew how to make me laugh and how to make me to cry, especially towards the end. But somewhere down the line, something had changed. Something in me. Not him. And I ended up leaving him broken with unanswered questions. With pain, and even guilt, as if it was his fault.

But it wasn't.

You see, I had this friend. Her name was Chloe. We met in college and we connected instantly. We had so much in common, yet we were so different. She had this outgoing, bubbly personality, and I—well I didn't. I'm more introverted, more reserved. We're different in the way that I build walls. Chloe knocks them down. But she didn't just knock mine down, she crashed through them with a wrecking ball and bulldozed over the remains.

Chloe freaking Beale.

She's absolute sunshine and she's everything close to perfection. But, she caused me so much angst. She brought me more torment in the five years I knew her than I've ever experienced in all my existence.

So this is why I had to leave. I had to leave everything behind. Jesse, Chloe, everyone close to me. I booked a one way ticket to the other side of the country. I gave no reasons. I gave nothing. I just left.

It's been nine months since I left them. Since I walked away from everything I had ever known, just to start over knew, for my own selfish reasons. All because I couldn't handle it.

I loved Jesse. I had been with him for years. He was comfortable, and we wasted no time making plans. Our life was picture perfect to the rest of the world. We traveled, we spent time together. We worshiped each other. But everything is different behind closed doors. Behind closed eyes in the middle of the night, when you're lying back to back, but you're dreaming of someone else. Someone else's lips on yours, their skin touching your skin. Everything is so different.

To live alone, or live a lie? I ask myself every day. What would happen had I stayed?

Things became much more complicated two years ago. Chloe got a job in the city. She started teaching at a dance studio not far from my music studio. My apartment was expensive. It only made sense. And that's where it all started to go wrong.

We were best friends and housemates in college. We had lived together before. But this was a tiny studio apartment. We were sharing everything. Space. Water. A bed. It was all we could do to make it work.

There were days we would spend hours, even into the morning, just talking. Her breaking down those walls I spent my whole life building, piece by piece, brick by brick. She consumed me. She took up all of my time. All of my thoughts.

After a year, she moved out. She found her own place, and we grew distant, apart. And it broke me. So I asked Jesse to move in. He and I continued with our façade of contentment. But the damage had already been done. The walls had already been shattered. New, shiny ones stood in their place. Bright red, like the fiery soul of the woman who put them there. And they were so loud. So overpowering, so mind numbing.

I had to go. I couldn't bear to stay. I didn't even leave a note.

And so here I am. Nine months later, still contemplating my decision. Still questioning my life. And I can only hope time will heal us all. I can only hope that someone will love them in the ways I couldn't. That someone will be able to clean up the mess I made.

I can only hope they can find it in themselves to let me go.

Let me go.