If I Need Attention All I Have To Do Is Die

by ArkeirynAyelle

L had unfinished business: seeing Kira punished for all the murders he's done, including his own. But, being a ghost, that was always going to be pretty hard for L to achieve, and then he got just ever so slightly distracted... L/Light.

The title of this fic is taken from the title of the song "Good To Know That If I Need Attention All I Have To Do Is Die" by the band Brand New. I am not claiming the title as original, and no copyright infringement is intended.

Also, a quick warning: In this fic, L is dead. In this fic, L is a ghost. In this fic, L and Light have some fun, if you get what I'm saying. Please don't read if that puts you off.

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You've hear the old cliché, right? Where, if you have unfinished business in the world of the living when you die, you stick around, unseen – at least, unseen by most – until it's finished? I always hated that cliché, myself. It always seemed pointless for whatever part of a person, the mind or soul or whatever that everyone seemed to believe 'lived' on after death to hang around, instead of finding out what else, if anything, was out there. In fact, I always thought that there wasn't any part of a person that survived death anyway, and that it was just people making it up, trying to give themselves comfort that there will still be something of them left when they died.

Well, it turned out that I, for once, was wrong, and that the old cliché was right. It was very strange for me, materialising into existence above my body. The last living memory I had was on Light-kun's face, triumphant above mine as my eyes slowly closed. Imagine my shock when I appeared above him, as he screamed that they were all going to die. I mean, I'd just been proven wrong, and anyway, why would Kira want to kill himself?

I blame the fact that I had just died for the decrease in my reasoning abilities. In hindsight, it was obvious what Light-kun was trying to do: trying, and succeeding, to get the whole team on his side.

And it was on that first day of my not-life that I realised why the old cliché had come back to haunt me. I had unfinished business: seeing Kira punished for all the murders he'd done. But there was a problem with that. To me, it was obvious who Kira was, but not to anyone else. Only I had seen Light-kun's expression as my eyes had closed. Only I knew the truth, and therein lay the problem. Only I knew the truth, and I, for want of a better word, was a ghost. No one – or at least, very few people – could see or hear me, and it was obvious from the distinct lack of surprise on any of the faces of the Kira investigation team that none of them were one of those few. One the first day of my not-life, I realised just how small a percentage was my chance of ever finishing this unfinished business. In fact, even whilst knowing that as soon as Roger knew of my death he would tell Mello and Near – (and now I would never have the difficult task of choosing between them) – and they would hopefully hunt down Kira to avenge my death, the likelihood of Kira being vanquished once and for all was six percent.

Even so, I decided to stay around Light-kun, watching the strange, intelligent young man. I had meant it when I had said that Light-kun was my first friend, even though Kira was my enemy. If it had not been for Kira, I hoped that we would've become great friends. Maybe he could've helped me in my duties as L. Maybe he would have been a better heir than either Mello or Near. I would never find out, because Light-kun had become Kira before he had ever met me. If it wasn't for the notebook… But, if Light-kun had never acquired the notebook, had never become Kira, then we would never have met.

It was strange, though, watching Light-kun without him realising. I discovered exactly how he lead on the investigation team, and watched as he allowed them to think that they were getting somewhere without getting anywhere at all. Truth be told, I was rather impressed at that, and I even felt proud of him whenever he did well in an exam, or something similar. It was an illogical feeling, but that didn't stop me from feeling it. (And that is where I thought Near was wrong. he barely allowed himself to feel any feelings at all.)

I was mildly surprised when he carried on his relationship with Misa-san, but I suppose that was to be expected. She was the second Kira, after all, and she seemed to still have the power of knowing a person's name by looking at them. By listening, I discovered how she had acquired the eyes of a Shinigami, by trading half her life span. If you ask me, the second time she did it, she was acting far too compulsively. (And that is where I thought Mello was wrong. he allowed himself to be led by his feelings, not his logic, too much.)

It was strange, though, that I didn't find it boring, watching Light-kun. After the first few days, weeks, maybe even months, I thought I would become bored with watching the same person practically all the time. However, years passed, and the only time I became even slightly bored was when he was with Misa-san.

And then, it seemed that leading a double life, as the new L and Kira, was beginning to take its toll on Light-kun. He started waking up early in the mornings, before the sun had even risen above the horizon, and would sit on the sofa in his apartment in silence, staring at a blank wall, or else holding his head in his hands. It swiftly became part of his routine.

Sometimes I wondered what was going through his head. Most of the time I didn't think about that, but just went through how Kira's identity could be unveiled, but sometimes I watched Light-kun and wondered how he really was.

It was whilst I was watching him, actually thinking about Kira, not about Light-kun at all, that I got my first insight into his mind. He was just sitting there, his head thrown back against the back of the sofa, his throat exposed, and for a moment I wondered if it really had been him who had spoken. But there was no other explanation, even though it was one of the strangest things for him to say:

"It was so much easier when you were here, Ryuzaki."

"What do you mean?" I asked, before I remembered that he couldn't hear me. He sighed, though, and a less logical mind than mine might've linked his sigh to my speech.

"I don't really know what I mean," he said. "It doesn't really make much sense to me. Although maybe it's a bit like when… when you were depressed about the Kira case, because I wasn't Kira. Or, at least, because you still couldn't find evidence against me, and it seemed like I wasn't Kira." He sighed. "Now you're gone," he said at last, "it seems almost… futile, perhaps, to continue with this."

"You surprise me, Yagami-kun," I said truthfully. He didn't speak any more – probably realising the futility of speaking to thin air – but that didn't stop me thinking about what he had said. I mean, why would he wish to address me now, years after my death?

I hoped that wouldn't be the last insight into Light-kun's thoughts, and a few days later my wish came true. This time, however, it was nothing about me, of what had spurred him on to think of me.

"Everything is going to plan," he said. "Soon the whole world will be under Kira's sway."

I couldn't help but be childish, and after all, who would hear me? "You wish," I muttered darkly. Light-kun smiled.

"I bet that thought has you turning in your grave," he said.

It was only two days until the next insight into Light-kun's thoughts, and then another two days, and then one day. Soon it had become part of his routine: get up at some ungodly hour in the morning, talk to a ghost Ryuzaki you don't even realise is actually there, have breakfast…

"I don't know what's gotten into me recently," he said one morning. I smiled, knowing for sure that we were getting nearer to the reason why he had started talking to me in the first place. "I mean," he continued, "I know you're not there, but I still want to talk to you: I still talk to you."

"Maybe you miss me?" I suggested.

"Maybe I miss you," he said. "Although why that would be is beyond even my reasoning abilities." He laughed. "I bet they're not beyond yours, though."

"I must admit," I said, "I am intrigued."

He sighed and was silent for a moment. "I dreamed of you last night," he finally said. "I reamed that I had woken up, and that you were standing beside my bed, watching over me. Why would you do that though, Ryuzaki? Why would I even want you to?"

If I had a heart, it would have frozen. Why indeed? I thought. Why was I watching over Light-kun? I knew it was because I knew him to be Kira, but that didn't mean I had to watch him that closely even as he slept. And how come he had seen me then, when he had never seen me before?

"Maybe it's just wishful thinking," Light-kun said. "Maybe I just want you to be there. Because, however much I deny it, I think… Well, Ryuzaki, I do miss you."

It was shortly after then that Light-kun stopped following his routine. One morning he woke up later than usual, shaking and panting, looking around himself wildly. That evening, he told Misa-san that he had to work late, but instead of working, he went to a seedy part of the city I didn't even realise he was acquainted with, and entered a shabby building.

I decided not to follow him in, but he didn't stay in for long. Soon he came out again, frustration on his face, and moved on to the next likely looking place. He came out of there even more frustrated. Five times he repeated this, before he gave up with a curse and made his way to the nearest park, where he began to walk in the darkness.

"Not one of them!" he snarled suddenly, and I assumed that none of these places had a girl with which he could satisfy himself with. It was obvious that they had to be exactly right – Misa-san would do otherwise, and would be more than happy to oblige. I watched as he stalked around, muttering to himself, before finally slouching down onto a bench in a sheltered, deserted corner. Slowly he closed his eyes and threw his head back, and I realised that he was fantasising.Well, I thought, fantasising must be better than nothing.

When his hands slowly made their way to his lap, though, I decided that I should look away. However, I found that I could not turn my head from the sight before me. Unbidden images flashed into my mind, memories from when I was alive and Light-kun and I were chained together. I remembered glimpses of pale skin when he'd been changing; the sharpness of his collar bone emphasised by the thick jumper he'd worn once when he'd caught a summer cold; the thinness, fragility, delicacy of his wrist highlighted by those handcuffs; the sharp glint in those eyes when he had caught one of my glances… The reason Light-kun had started wearing those handcuffs was purely professional. The reason he had worn them for so long was not. I thought that I had grown out of this strange, ridiculous crush – had stopped feeling anything like this for Light-kun when he had killed me as Kira – but evidently, I was wrong again.

"Ryuzaki…" That whisper brought me back to the present, even as I remembered something fairly similar that had happened not so long ago, when Light-kun had addressed me for the first time. Like then, there was no one else for the owner of that whisper to be other than Light-kun, and suddenly I realise why he'd not been able to satisfy himself with Misa-san, why he'd gone to all those places and had not found what he was looking for, why he'd been missing me… Even then, a small part of me was relaying how obvious it had been, how I should have seen it. The other, much larger part was concentrating on the fact that Light-kun was laying there now, fully hard, his breathing harsh, tears leaking out from under his closed eyelids and mixing with the sweat on his face.

Before I knew it, I was right in front of him, reaching out my hands, slowly, until my fingers closed around him, my eyes locked onto his face.

With a gasp he opened his eyes, his gaze piercing my own. "Ryuzaki," he breathed, and came.

---

For three days after that incident in the park, Light-kun didn't try to talk to me at all. I wondered what was going on through his mind as I followed him. Of course, I wondered why he had seen me then, too. That was twice now he had seen me, when he never had before; never usually did.

Then, on the fourth day, he started talking again. "You were really there, weren't you, Ryuzaki?" he asked.

"Yes, I was really there," I said. He sighed.

"I must be going mad," he said. "I'm fantasising about a man I killed – a man, that I killed – and I'm talking to him too/. Maybe I am going insane." He laughed humourlessly. "It certainly seems that way from here."

"I don't think you're insane," I said. "But then, I know that I'm really here."

"And if you were still here, somehow, why would you even be hanging around?" Light-kun asked. I frowned. Why would I indeed? Of course, I knew that I was staying because I wanted to see Kira vanquished, but as time had progressed, I realised that that wasn't the only reason I was staying by his side. I realised that I… well, that I missed him too.

"You are impossible," I said.

"This is impossible!" he said. "You're not even there!"

"Yes I am!" But Light-kun couldn't hear me. With a sigh he got up off the sofa and began to make breakfast for Misa-san and himself. As he did, though, I had a strange, not entirely illogical thought, one that wouldn't go away, however much I tried to push it from me: I should try and work out how it was that Light-kun could see me very occasionally, and use that to my advantage.

My first thought was to try and talk to him when he was asleep, but I discarded that idea almost immediately. He was obviously going to think that I was just a figment of his imagination and that it was all just a dream if I talked to him when he was comatose, and that wasn't what I wanted.

Unfortunately, that narrowed down my ideas to zero. I just couldn't think of anything else. The only other time he had seen me was when he was fantasising about me, and by the looks of it I wasn't going to get a repeat performance.

In fact, it was purely by luck that I spotted the book on meditation. Light-kun had gone to the bookshop to pick up one of those trashy romance novels that Misa-san loved, and I, bored for once, had started wandering around the shop. When I saw the book on meditation, I knew Light-kun had to have it.

"Light-kun!" I called, before remembering that he couldn't hear me. However, Lady Luck still seemed to be on my side, for shortly afterwards Light-kun was browsing in the section the mediation book was in.

I frowned, an idea forming in my mind. "Get the book on meditation," I said. When Light-kun's eyes fell on the book, he immediately picked it up and didn't put it down again. I smiled. "It seems like you can hear me – at least, subconsciously," I said. He frowned, but said nothing as he paid for the book and walked out of the shop.

The next morning, when Light-kun woke up ridiculously early, he went straight to his sofa, mediation book in hand. He read through it, a frown on his face, and then he read it again. By the time he had read it for a third time, Misa-san had woken up.

"What are you doing, Light?" she asked. Wordlessly, he handed her the book, and she giggled. "Why do you want to learn to mediate?"

"So I can go into a state of calmness to better help the Kira investigation not find Kira," he said. I wondered whether he really believed that was why he had bought the book, or whether that was a lie purely for Misa-san.

The next morning he didn't even pick the book up, but just left the bedroom and went straight to his sofa, where he sat down, closing his eyes. I sat a few paces in front of him on the floor, and watched. Soon I got bored, however. I wanted to know whether my theory was correct; I wanted to know if Light-kun could see me or hear me in his state of relaxation. I coughed. His eyes shot open, and he almost screamed as he scrambled back against the sofa, his eyes locked onto mine. Then, as suddenly as he had started panicking, he stopped. A frown formed on his face.

"Ryuzaki?" he asked. "Where've you… No, you were just a figment of my imagination."

"Try it again," I said.

"Well, I may as well try that again," he said to himself. Getting into a more comfortable position on the sofa, he closed his eyes again.

This time, he only had them shut for ten minutes before he opened them again. Again, his gaze locked onto mine, but instead of screaming, he just blanched.

"Good," I thought out aloud. "You don't want to wake Misa-san up."

"Ryuzaki?" he asked. I nodded. "But… how…"

"I'm dead," I said. "I've just not… not gone where other dead people go." I didn't say anything about my unfinished business. Hopefully Light-kun was too shocked by my appearance to think about asking that.

"You're just some figment of my imagination," he said at last. "You're… I justwant you to be there."

"I'm not."

"A figment would say that though." I sighed.

"My real name is L Lawliet," I said. "Ask that Shinigami, or Misa-san, if you don't believe me."

"I can't," he said. "They'll think I'm insane if I say I've… I've been talking to L's ghost."

"Then look it up on the internet," I said. "You'll find that there is no more information about me after I reach the age of seven."

Light-kun was shaking now. "You really are L? You really are Ryuzaki?"

"Yes."

"Oh god…" He put his head in his hands and tried to breathe.

"Stay calm," I said. "For some reason, you seem to be able to see me when you're calm and relaxed." He closed his eyes for a minute, breathing deeply.

"Have you been watching me?" he asked when he opened them again.

"Yes," I said. He didn't ask why, but frowned instead, turning away from me.

"So that was really you… when…"

"In the park?" He nodded. "Yes."

"Oh god, I am so embarrassed."

"Don't be."

"It's just ever so slightly humiliating, you know."

"It shouldn't be. I enjoyed it." His gaze shot onto mine, his eyes wide.

"What?"

"You were beautiful, you know." If I had been alive, I would never have said anything like that, but I wasn't alive, and I thought: Why not? "And I must admit," I continued, "you always intrigued me."

"Ryuzaki…" I smiled and stepped forwards.

"You looked like… like perfection in the darkness," I whispered, and took another step forwards. "You were so… beautiful is the only word, but youwere, and I wanted to…"

Strangely, even though I was sure I had been thinking about this for longer than Light-kun, even if it was subconsciously, even if I didn't do anything about it, it was he who made the next move. He shot up out of the chair and took the last step between us, shocking me to silence mid-sentence. His breathing was harsh as it flowed through me, and he stared at me for a wild moment before reaching out and grabbing for my t-shirt. Before I could even tell him what a stupid idea it was to grab a ghost, his fingers managed to somehow get a grip, and he pulled me forwards.

Our lips met, and it was… truly, honestly, it was one of the best experiences of my… existence. I could feel the heat radiating our from those lips, could feel the blood pounding through them, could feel Light-kun's uncertainly in kissing both a guy and a ghost, and all I wanted was more. I pushed him back against the sofa and we tumbled down onto it. I remembered that I could hover in the air as I fell, and I ended up suspended about an inch from him, our lips still locked.

I reached up and ran my fingers through his hair, making him break the kiss and gasp, leaning his head back to reveal the long, pale line of his throat. When my lips connected with the burning skin there, he arched his back with a moan.

His hands were trying to touch me, but they couldn't do much more than pull me closer. I didn't care, though. I had Light-kun beneath me, and soon I had made him forget entirely about those hands of his, except for to force one in his mouth, to stop him from making too much noise and waking Misa-san. Even so, he was making the most delicious whimpering sounds, and they spurred me on and on, until he arched his back one last time, and shook, and came.

I admit, if I had been alive then, I would have followed suit, just at the sight of him. But I wasn't alive; I was a ghost, and I couldn't any more. Even so, as I watched the shaking in his limbs stop, and his breathing slow, I felt more content than I had since… since I didn't even know when. Maybe I had never felt this good.

"That was…" Light-kun breathed. "Damn you, Ryuzaki." I smiled, still hovering above him, and he smiled too, and reached up to tangle his fingers in my hair, which was actually partly successful, since he was able to pull me down for another kiss.

We had to move eventually, though. Misa-san would wake up soon, and Light-kun had to clean himself up. However, as he went into the kitchen to start making breakfast, he smiled at me again.

"Same time tomorrow," I said, and he laughed.

"Of course."

---

I'd like to say everything changed when Near first made contact with Light-kun. I'd like to say that I suddenly remembered that Light-kun was Kira, that he'd been the one to kill me, and that I'd gone straight to Near to help him out. And that was partly true. I did find Near, and I did try to get him to be able to see me. However, he was so logical that even if he had seen me, he would never have believed that it was me, since I was dead.

I even went to find Mello, but I stupidly went at night, while Light-kun was still asleep, and finding Mello, who I'd always remembered as a cute looking, if insufferable, little boy in a very… intimate position with one of the other boys from the orphanage… Well, it put me off hanging around to try and talk to them.

Also, in my mind… I didn't particularly want to talk to them, to tell them that Light-kun was Kira. I knew that he was, but even so, my mind refused to combine the two of them into one person: in my mind, Light-kun was the beautiful young man that I – well, I can't really say slept with because I don't sleep, but you know what I mean – and Kira was my murderer.

I think that Light-kun's thoughts had gone through a similar process, too. As L, I had been Kira's enemy, fighting him, trying my utmost to stop him, but as Ryuzaki, I… well, suffice to say that we both enjoyed it. A lot. But that was one of the few reasons I had that made sense for why he never called me L, even though he knew it was my real name, and in my mind it was the most likely reason.

Even though we had become so close, though, I couldn't help him defeat Mello and Near. They were my heirs, and he… When he asked me, early one morning after our usual activities, if I could help him and look for Mello's hideout so he could get the stolen death note back, I said no.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because then I would be helping Kira," I replied. He nodded, and we said no more about it, even though I realised then by the distinct lack of surprise in his face that he had known exactly what my reaction would be to that question.

In fact, there were actually many things that we didn't talk about. It seemed to work, though, and I was intelligent enough to realise that in this situation, talking about those unsaid things would destroy everything. Not that we had much, anyway. Light-kun was still with Misa-san, and was surrounded by people or Shinigami most of the time. The only time the two of us could talk was now, in the early hours of the morning when Ryuk was out having fun and everyone else was asleep, and most of the time we weren't actually talking.

But even so, I still didn't turn to help Mello and Near, even when I realised that he wanted them dead, and would do almost anything to make that happen. I will not help Kira, I thought, but I will not hinder Light-kun either.

And then Mello nearly died. I felt cold as I watched the building explode, realising that Mello was still inside. He'd been one of my heirs, one of those who would be the next L after me, and despite the fact that Near was always number one, I think that Mello was my favourite of the two. I went straight to the building, not telling Light-kun where I was going – I'm not even sure if he noticed me leave, too caught up in his father to care about me – and followed a man I knew to me one of Mello's mafia men to their new hideout, and heard him talking to his boss about Mello, and realised that everything was going to be okay.

That night, I didn't go to Light-kun. That night, I sat by Mello's bed, and the next day, and the next night. It was only his face which was badly damaged, which was a relief, but it still took him such a long time to wake. I just sat there, watching him, and watching his lover from the orphanage – Matt, his name was – look after him, worry painted all over his face, strangely vulnerable without his goggles. As Mello began to stir, though, those goggles were back, and worry was replaced with mild concern.

Mello's eyes fluttered open, and he gave Matt a small smile.

"'lo, Matt," he slurred, and I remembered just how many drugs they'd pumped into his system.

"Hello, Mello." There was a slight tender edge to Matt's voice, and he coughed. "You had the guys worried there for a minute, then."

"H'mmm?" Mello smiled dopily, and I smiled and shifted to a more comfortable position in the chair I was sitting in. as soon as I moved, though, Mello's eyes locked onto me. He frowned.

"Thought you was dead?" he said, and my eyes widened as I realised that he could see me.

"I'm not dead," Matt said in a disgruntled voice.

"Not you." Mello pointed to me. "L."

Matt looked around. "L isn't here," he said.

"Erm… Actually, I am," I said. "I'm a ghost." Mello's frown deepened.

"Why you han'in' 'round?" he asked.

"Mello," Matt said before I could answer, "stop talking to nothing."

"'m not." Mello insisted. "'s L."

"Sure it is. Mello, you're high on drugs; you're just hallucinating. Go back to sleep."

"'m not halli… hellusu… thingy!"

"Calm down, Mello," I said. "You've been badly hurt."

"Don' care," he sulked. "Talk."

"If anyone else comes in here to see you talking to thin air," Matt said, "on your head be it." With a sigh, he slumped into a nearby chair. Mello grinned inanely, then turned to me.

"Why you here?" he said.

"I've been watching Kira," I said. "I figured that I needed to see him vanquished and that I should watch him to see that happen."

"Didn't come help," Mello pouted. I sighed.

"No."

"Why?"

"Because…" because I can't help you kill Light-kun, even though it means Kira's death too. "I just…"

Mello nodded sagely. "You know 'm too well," he said, his voice solemn. If it had been any other situation, I would have laughed at the absurdity of a solemn Mello, but not then. Mello, however, suddenly grinned. "You'rewith him, aren't you?"

"I don't…" Realisation dawned on me as to what Mello was saying. Was it really that obvious? "Yes," I said at last. Mello giggled.

"How that works anyway? You voy… voyersitic?"

"No, I'm not voyeuristic!"

"L and Kira, sitting in a tree, F-U-C-"

"He's not Kira!" Mello stopped his obscene song, his eyes wide.

"But…"

"Okay, he is Kira," I said. "But he's…" He's Light-kun as well. "He's more than Kira," I finished lamely. "He's more, too." God, I sounded pathetic.

"Okay, that's enough," Matt said, jumping out of his chair. "Mello, go to sleep. L…" and then his eyes met mine and I wondered how long he'd been able to see me, how much of my side of the conversation he'd heard. "Just go," he said, and I nodded and left.

As I made my way back to Light-kun's apartment, I thought about the last thing I'd said, and just how pathetic it had sounded. He's more, too. But I wasn't going to help them kill him, just because I'd sounded like that, and I hadn't liked it. I'd made my decision, and I was sticking to it. I would help neither of them, nor Near either.

Light-kun was laid out on his sofa, apparently asleep, when I got to the apartment. I watched him for a short moment. he looked so peaceful, lying there, and so unlike a crazy mass murderer. But he's more, too. and he was – more than a crazy mass murderer, anyway. I sighed, and his eyes suddenly snapped open.

"Where've you been?" he said.

I can't help him, I thought. I can't tell him Mello's alive. "Out," I said. "Just out."

"Why?"

"Because you just tried to have Mello killed!"

"You know I want Mello and Near dead."

"I know." I sighed again. "It's just different when it actually happens."

Light-kun sat up on the sofa, running his fingers through his hair, his face tired. "You going to help them, then?" he asked.

"If I was, why would I be here?" was my reply. Light-kun frowned. "Look," I explained, "I may not be helping Kira, but I can't help those who want Light-kun dead, either." Light-kun nodded in understanding, before resting his head against the sofa back and closing his eyes. Frowning, I sat on the sofa beside him and put my hand on his forehead.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"I missed you," he whispered. His eyes opened again, and he looked into my own eyes for a brief moment. "I missed this," he said, louder, and pulled me forwards for another one of those burning kisses. Of course, I was happy to comply.

Light-kun seemed happier now he realised that I wasn't going to go over to the other side because he was trying to kill them, and tell them exactly who he was. I didn't mention that only two of them had seen me anyway, and Near was far too logical to ever accept the existence of ghosts. Since the only proof was a ghost sighting, and he was too logical to be able to see me, he was never going to accept it. It wasn't like seeing the Shinigami, where you just had to touch a note book, the death note. Except for me, of course. I had not touched a death note, yet I could see the Shinigami when it came to visit Ryuk, and, like Ryuk, this Shinigami couldn't see me. Not for the first time, I wondered why this would be. Not for the first time, I couldn't understand why at all. And then I had a thought. I wasn't supposed to be here at all. Maybe that was why I could see everything, but hardly anything could see me.

It was just after I came up with that hypothesis that Matt and Mello kidnapped me. Light-kun had gone to relieve himself when the ghosts of the two of them just materialised through the wall, grabbed me, and dragged me out of the room.

"What the hell are you doing?" I asked as soon as Matt had removed his hand from my mouth, out of Light-kun's earshot but still within the building.

"Stopping you from helping Kira," Mello said. I frowned.

"But I wasn't going to help Kira," I said.

"You're sleeping with the damned guy!" Mello shouted.

"Technically he's not actually sleeping, since…"

"Shut up, Matt!"

"But I'm not going to help Kira," I said.

"You're sleeping with him!" Mello repeated.

"He murdered me," I said.

"But you're sle-"

"We gathered that," Matt interrupted. He looked at me. "Why are you… sleeping with… the guy that killed you?" he asked.

"I'm not sleeping with Kira," I said. "I'm sleeping with Light-kun." It didn't hurt now to tell them his name.

The two of them frowned, but Matt was the first one to get it. "You're one messed up ghost," he said.

"I know."

"So you won't tell him what we had planned – why I died?" Mello asked. It was then that I realised that Mello had planned his death – although not Matt's I didn't think – and exactly why he had done so. I grinned.

"Sneaky plan," I said. "Does Near know?"

"No."

I frowned, remembering the competition between the two of them. "Doesn't that bother you?"

"No."

"Well… Okay, if you're sure. What are you two still doing here, anyway?"

"Well, we came to stop you, and then see Near kill Kira, and then, perhaps…"

"I want to see the world," Mello interrupted Matt's speech. Matt glared at him, but only I saw the softer look behind the glare, when Mello had turned away.

"Have fun," I said, and turned around to make my way back to where Light-kun was.

"What are you going to do when he dies?" Matt asked, making me stop. I frowned.

"I don't know," I said. Indeed, I didn't. What was the point of me hanging around when Light-kun was dead? What was the point of me hanging around when Kira was dead? Would I get to find out all of what I had been missing – would I get to find out what really happened to people when they died, when they weren't screwed up enough to want to stay around? I had no idea.

It wasn't long until I found out, though. I watched Near defeat Light-kun – no, defeatKira – with no emotion, just watching from the sidelines. Indeed, I'd always said that I wouldn't help either side in trying to defeat the other, and I kept that until the end. But then I saw something materialise above Kira's – Light-kun's – body, and if I had had a heart, it would have stopped. There he was, standing tall and proud, the same beautiful young man that I had first met.

"Ryuzaki?" he said. I nodded, and he frowned. "Where am I?"

"You're still in the living world," I said, stepping forwards.

"Huh." He frowned. "I always wondered what Ryuk meant."

"Meant about what?"

"About saying that there was no Heaven or Hell for any person who used the death note."

Even though Light-kun was right in front of me, looking at his most delicious, I stopped, thinking. "H'mmm," I said. "Maybe what Ryuk meant was that there was no Heaven or Hell at all."

"Don't you know?" Light-kun asked, surprised.

"No," I replied, "I've never been anywhere. All I know is that there must be somewhere else."

"How do you know that?"

"Well, if there wasn't anywhere else, this place would be full of ghosts." Light-kun smiled.

"I suppose it would be." He took the last step between us and reached up with his hand, tangling it in my hair. "It feels weird," he said, "finally being able to do this properly." Gently he pulled my head back, and bent down, and our lips met.