Title: Cooking Disaster
Summary: When Allen and Kanda are causing chaos for everyone in the kitchen. Pointless one-shot.
Disclaimer: I do not own D. Gray – Man.
Warnings: Language.
"… What are you two doing?"
There was a pregnant moment of silence. Before…
"He started it." Two voices accused each other in unison.
A small vein bulged on the arm of one of the accusers, and he scowled at the boy standing before him.
"Stupid Beansprout, it was clearly your fault for spilling the goddamned flour on me."
"It's not my fault, Kanda! I was tripped by that open drawer, which was, by the way, the one you left open!"
"Oh, so you're not only stupid and clumsy, but also blind?"
"I am not! I was distracted by the pot over-boiling, when it was only meant to simmer gently, according to the bloody recipe!"
"Guys… guys… let's just calm down- "
"But Lenalee! Kanda's being a real jerk and not admitting that it was his bloody fault that I tripped over!"
"Now, now, Allen. I'm sure Kanda just forgo-"
"Oi! Since when was I responsible for you being such a fucking idiot?!"
"I am not a blooming barmpot!"
"What the fuck does that mean?!"
"That's not the point! It means – urgh! Forget it!"
"What? Are you too much of an idiot to even know the definitions of the fucking words you use?!"
"I am not an idiot!"
"Yes, you are!"
"I'm not!"
"You are!"
"I'm not!"
"Stop being such a motherfucking brat!"
"Then why don't you stop bloody swearing, Kanda?!"
An exasperated sigh went unnoticed to the arguing pair.
"I can swear however the fuck I want, you son of a bitch!"
"Argh! Your language is so foul that even my master would wince!"
The taller of the two angrily reached forward and grabbed the collar of the other.
"I swear, if I had Mugen in my hand now –"
"You're always depending on that sword of yours! I bet you don't even know how to fight with your fists like a man –"
His sentence was never finished as a fist collided with his gut, knocking the breath out of him as he flew from the other man's grip into the stove. Which was still on.
"Ahh! Hot, hot, hot! You bloody asshole!" The boy yelped as his right hand came in touch with the stove's surface.
"Kanda, there's no need for violence-" Lenalee spluttered out.
"Are you telling me that the shitty beansprout didn't deserve it?"
"Of course he didn't –"
Right then, Allen decided to respond to Kanda's call for a fist fight. As Lenalee was about to finish her sentence, he charged at Kanda and punched him in his right eye. A startled grunt escaped out of a shocked Kanda as both men crashed to the floor, the smaller one's fall cushioned by the navy-haired Japanese. Kanda got over the fall, and he countered Allen's punch with one of his own. Allen didn't have time to dodge, as Kanda had sneakily ensured that Allen couldn't dodge it by seizing Allen's collar again. The punch hit its mark, and Allen could already feel his left cheek swelling up.
"Guys, stop it, seriously! Someone's com –"
Lenalee panicked a tad too late. In burst two teachers who were on guard duty in the dorms. They blinked, surprised. From their point of view, they saw two students, on the floor, still engaging in their violent fist fight, oblivious to the intruders.
"A – Ah, Sensei, I assure you, this is not what it loo –" Lenalee spluttered.
Too late. A mixing bowl filled with egg yolks went flying at one of the two. The teacher widened his eyes, and tried to avoid it, but to no avail. The contents splattered on the top half of his chest and the bottom half of his face. Too bad his mouth was hanging open, and he also got a mouth full of raw egg yolk. He instinctively started choking and fell to his knees, coughing and gagging like there was no tomorrow.
It was a funny scene, with a mini food fight between the enraged males. They were splattered with all different types of ingredients; eggs, flour, milk, melted chocolate, pages of the torn cookbook, spatulas, and food colouring. A mixing bowl that originally contained flour was now resting on Allen's head, coating in with a thick layer of flour. They continued to fight, throwing whatever they could land their hands on, or when they weren't using their fists.
The other teacher who wasn't choking on egg yolks got over his shock and stormed over to the fighting pair.
"Hey, hey! Break it up, you two – "
Too bad, at that moment, Kanda's left hand grabbed his collar, and flung him at Allen. Allen, being small and nimble, dodged the projectile easily, not noticing it was actually a gaping teacher brushing past him.
They continued having a fist/food fight, while Lenalee was trying, with no avail, to stop them. By now, the kitchen was in chaos. Everything over-turnable was overturned. Everything else was either powdered or drenched. The pair was still fighting, tumbling across the floor, swearing and cursing each other. Allen chucked a chopping board straight at Kanda's face, and he had barely enough time to dodge it.
"What the fuck, beansprout?! A chopping board?!" Kanda angrily growled.
Allen stopped, looking at the chopping board, now in possession of Kanda, and started giggling.
"What the hell are you laughing at, fucking beansprout?"
By then, Allen already started full-out laughing. He held his stomach due to the force of his laughter. Kanda looked confused for a second, and then looked down at himself. He would've laughed out loud too, if it wasn't for his pride stopping him. He scowled instead, and started to brush bits of flour of his black sleeveless shirt. Why wasn't he in an apron, like a normal person? He would, never in his life, be caught in an apron. Just no. The teachers were still in a dazed state, while Lenalee had gone to find Lavi, hoping that he would be able to break up the pair.
"Ahaha," Allen spluttered out. "Hahah- *cough* hahaha! Kanda, you're hopeless!"
Kanda was very pissed. Not only was the Beansprout laughing at him, but calling him hopeless? He wasn't going to let that go.
"You're no better, retard. Have you seen yourself? You look like a fucking retarded snowman!"
"Hey! I'm not the one with utensils stuck in my hair!"
"Wha – The fuck, Beansprout?!" Kanda bellowed as he tugged a spoon from his bangs.
"Mr. Walker. Mr. Kanda. My office. Now." A dark voice called, and the room was suddenly draped in a blanket of dread.
"Oh – Um, sir, this isn't what – "
"Oh, I think I know exactly what it going on, boy. Now, move your asses or I'll be sure to stick my foot up your asses so high, that you won't be walking for a month. Now get going."
Even Kanda obeyed the principal when he was angry. He was one of the few people who was privileged to be able to order Kanda around. Mostly because he wouldn't dare disobey the principal, because he won't hesitate to call Tiedoll in. There was a good reason Kanda went to a boarding school. It was to specifically to avoid Tiedoll. If Tiedoll was called to the school, Kanda would jump of the building. A five-story building. Screw that, Kanda would jump off the Eiffel Tower.
Lenalee and Lavi shoved past the crowd of students moving back into the dorms and crashed into the kitchen, finding it void of any life. They looked at each other in confusion.
Where did they go?
As they were walking down the hallway, many students gathered, watching the duo and the principal. Allen hung his head in shame while what could be heard from the crowd were hushed whispers and giggles at their appearances. Kanda just strode forward with the "fuck you all" attitude. The principal effectively sent the crowd away with a glance.
"So, care to explain what exactly happened back there?" The principal said, his cheerful tone practically oozing fakery.
Kanda and Allen looked at each other, and in unison, exclaimed –
"He started it."
Thank you for reading!