This wasn't how I imagined my life was going to go. I hadn't anticipated all the factors that came with the job, with relationships, with myself. My life wasn't planned like this.

Neither was hers.

I stood outside of her apartment. The thick brown door was the only thing stopping me from talking to her, seeing her.

It had only been day two of her three-month suspension and the only thing I hated about my shift was her not there with me. Her words from our last shift together were on consent repeat and nothing distracted me long enough to get them off my mind.

"Sometimes people need a little help, whether they know it or not."

What if it was her way of asking for help? Her I don't want to come right out and ask my lesbian partner to help me with my heartache but if she offered I wouldn't turn her down, way of asking.

I swallowed the feeling that was in my throat ever since I walked into her building and pounded my fist on her door twice. I shoved my hands back into my pocket and waited for her to open the door.

I pulled one hand out of my pocket and was about to hit her door again when it swung open. I yanked it back into my pocket before she noticed how impatient I was looked.

"Shay?" Her puzzled expression made me instantly regret coming. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm sorry I shouldn't have come, you said you needed time, I just… sorry for coming." I put my head down and turned on my heels.

"Since you're here, you might as well come in." I felt her hand on my arm.

Her door clicked shut and I was in her apartment. "This won't take long, I just wanted to see how you were holding up. It was odd not having you out there today."

"We've only known each other for six weeks Shay. You're back with your old partner, how weird could it have been?" She plopped herself onto her couch, she nodded to where I could throw my jacket. This wasn't going to be an in and out visit after all. "Why don't you tell me why your actually here? I'm sure you still need to watch Orange is the New Black, so why don't you tell me why you're here? After a forty-eight hour shift, when we both know how exhausted and cranky you get."

"I don't get cranky." I sat on the opposite side of her couch. Her eyes were piercing me. Why did I come here? Was it really just to check up on her? Give her a possible shoulder to cry on. "Besides, I came here because I missed your homophobic comments." I tried my best to make eye contact with her but she broke away.

"You know a whole two days and not one person asked me who was on Ellen, I was a little concerned that my gayness wasn't detectable anymore." I cracked a smile but she didn't laugh.

"Do you want a drink?" She was looking at her hands when she asked. "A beer perhaps? I might have some whiskey somewhere…" Her voice trailed off as she got up and escaped through what I assumed to be the kitchen doorway.

"I'd love a beer." She reentered the room with two beers and a bottle of rum.

"Shay, why did you really come here?" She handed me the beer and took her place on the couch again.

"To be honest, Rafferty, I'm not entirely sure anymore. I thought it was because I thought you might want some company, but now I'm not so sure." I twisted the cap and took a long sip. "I mean, clearly you do but maybe it's my company you don't want."

I saw her lift the bottle to her lips and drink. Maybe I did come here with other intentions and I hadn't realized. Maybe she knew what they were.

"You know that's not true." Rafferty took another drink before putting her bottle on a table near her. "We didn't always get a long, but you know that I enjoy your company."

She had a point. We fought more then we got a long. Bickered like a married couple. "Do you honestly believe we would have ended up getting a divorce?" I put my bottle on the table in front of me and turned my body to get a better look at her. "I mean professionally, do you think we wouldn't have worked out as partners?"

"What do you mean?" She looked at me and she could tell I wanted a real answer to her comment. "Were not compatible."

The three words stung as they sunk in. I knew the feeling all to well, I had fallen for this straight girl.

"Nothing against you, but you're a lesbian, you like sports, flannel shirts, shows about lesbians, talking about girls…, the only thing we have in common is the fact were both paramedics. We wouldn't have anything to talk about besides work.." She picked up her bottle and downed the rest of her beer.

"You know that's only part true." I twirled my fingers trying to gather my words. "Yes I like flannel, yes I'm a lesbian, yes I like TV shows with lesbians in them, and yes I like talking about girls. But I only talk about girls with Severide, I watch other shows then lesbian tv, I don't like sports, I like to think I like shoe shopping. You should stop being stereotypical and actually try to get to know me, I might surprise you." I studied her face, trying to predict her reaction. She reached for the rum bottle, opening and closing her mouth every few seconds.

"I can't get to know you." It was finally my turn to give her a puzzling expression. "I mean I would like to, I just can't." She got up off her couch. "I'm tired, do you think you could see yourself out?"

"Yeah, okay." I stood up and finished off my beer. "Alison, wait a second. What do you mean you can't?" She halted on her staircase and turned to face me.

"I can't, I have a lot to process and deal with. I can't add you into the mix." I finish putting my arm through my coat.

"You need a friend." I looked up at her. "I just want to be your friend." She broke her gaze and stepped down a couple of stairs. "I really did just come over here to see if you were alright. I didn't have any lesbian intentions or anything. I just wanted to offer you a little help without you asking for it." I found my zipper and started pulling it up. "Anyway thank you for the beer, call me if you do want some company. I am a great listener."

"Shay, thank you." Her hand gripped her stairwell. The figurative ball was now in her court and she needed to take the steps. "Have a goodnight."