* Do It Like a Dude*

Chapter 1:

It All Started With a Sandwich

Life can't get any worse.

I tell that to myself every day.

Funny thing. It did.

It all started with a sandwich. A simple, stupid, motherTRIPPIN' sandwich.

And seriously, that bitch wasn't even egg salad.

It was lunchtime, which meant I could get out of my godforsaken classroom and go eat lunch somewhere else, preferably outside. The weather was nice and warm, it was the start of a new school year, and I was a second year.

Which meant I only needed to survive two more years of Hibari Kyoya and the disciplinary committee before I could finally be free.

Honestly, Namichuu is the weirdest place imaginable. Am I REALLY the only one who notices that no-good Sawada Tsunayoshi guy appearing with random injuries?

Or that every so often we have a substitute teacher who looks WAY too young? Practically...babylike, if I'm so bold as to say?

How could everyone just IGNORE it? Seriously. That baby-teacher-thing threw a freaking bomb at a couple of kids during parents day and nobody batted an eyelash. And I was sitting there in the middle row going all "DA FUCK?"

Actually, Tsuna was doing that too, and that was probably the only time we ever thought alike.

But anyway. Tsuna was a strange guy. Him and his friends, that Gokudera Hayato and Yamamoto Takeshi.

I mean, sure they were popular and good-looking, but honestly...DID NO ONE SEE WHAT I WAS SEEING? It was just too suspicious! Everything weird always seems to be centered around Tsuna!

And I swear to god, Gokudera calls him "Juudaime"! JUUDAIME! What the heck is Tsuna the Juudaime OF? And they're always going on about mafia or gangs or something like that when they think no one's paying attention.

Which no one does, except for me. Because I notice these things.

Anyway, I had just dodged past that weird Longchamp guy and another one of his fugly girlfriends before I found peace and quiet in the emergency stairwell that led to the roof. I headed up there wearily. Peace and quiet. Peace and quiet.

Oh, damn! What if Hibari was there? Everyone knew he occasionally took naps on the roof. But he shouldn't be...it wouldn't hurt to check, would it?

I entered the roof and looked around. No sign of that guy anywhere. Nor his strangely adorable bird-thing. I breathed a sigh of relief and headed over to find a comfortable spot to sit on.

Finding nothing, I decided to turn around and head to the other side of the roof to find another place.

That's when it happened.

Without even paying attention, I turned around a corner and immediately tripped on something, falling flat on my face and landing heavily on something that was definitely NOT the flat ground.

"Owch, dammit! That hurts! Shit!" I yelped. Then I froze.

"Herbivore….."

Chills ran down my spine. Oh shit oh shit oh SHIT. That was Hibari Kyoya. Who was sitting on the other side of the roof. Who I just bumped into.

And oh SHIT he was eating a lunch. Wait…..demons can eat?

He narrowed his icy cold eyes at me. "Herbivore, you just made me drop my lunch."

Oh shit oh shit oh shit.

I looked down. There it was. A sandwich, only one bite taken out of it, lying like a dead body on the ground nearby, its contents strewn everywhere like evidence in a murder scene.

I gulped.

He slowly rose to his feet. "For disrupting the peace of Namimori, and for disrupting MY peace, and for ruining my lunch..." Steel tonfas snapped into his hand out of nowhere, and he raised them threateningly. "...I will now bite you to death."

"GYAAAAH!" I yelled, struggling to my feet. He advanced upon me, and I swear to god, that creep looked like he was enjoying this WAY too much! As panic overtook me, I scrabbled backwards in an attempt to get away.

Just as he was about to land a blow on me, I threw my hands in front of my face and yelled out, "W-wait! Wait!"

He paused. "What do you want, herbivore?"

"P-please spare me! I-I didn't mean to, you know, bother you! I just wanted to find a place to e-eat my lunch! Y-you can have my lunch instead, if you w-want!" I said desperately. This was severely ruining my pride, but in the presence of Hibari Kyoya, you have no pride.

Unless you have a death wish, of course.

"I refuse. You ruined MY lunch, and for that, herbivore, I will bite you to death." He swung those deadly tonfas at me and I yelped and rolled to the side in a split second to avoid extreme pain.

"I'm r-really sorry! Please! I'll do anything!" I yelled out in fright.

And, to my shock...he actually lowered his tonfas. "Actually, now that I think about it..."

He stared at me, his eyes glittering with barely-concealed malice. "...I really should bite a herbivore like you to death, but I am running low on subordinates for the disciplinary committee."

He paused, then put away his tonfas. As I stared at him in disbelief, he stared at me with his cold eyes. "Your name, herbivore?"

What was the point in asking that, considering he called everybody herbivore anyways? "M-Mitarashi Ari…."

"You are now my assistant and slave, herbivore. You will come find me when you report to your duties after school. That is all. If you dare try to run, I will bite you to death."

Then he disappeared. And, even though I was scared out of my mind, I had to admit he looked totally badass.

But I was still scared out of my mind.

"Are you okay, Ari-kun? You look a bit pale..." The school idol Sasagawa Kyoko asked, looking at me in concern.

"I'm fine, Kyoko-chan, I just...er...am not feeling well." I lied quickly. No need to let the school idol get all worked up over me. It would just cause me trouble.

As soon as Kyoko was out of earshot, her friend Hana turned to me. "So, Ari-kun...have a deal with the devil?" Damn, that girl was smart. Nothing could get past her sharp eyes.

I groaned and banged my forehead onto my desk "You have no idea."

"E-eehhh?" Tsuna suddenly turned around and gulped from a seat beside me. "Ari-san, what did you do to make Hibari-san so mad at you?"

"I - er - bumped into him and ruined his lunch." I stammered, feeling really lame. Luckily, Tsuna was lame too so he just gave me a sympathetic look. That was nice of him.

Gokudera (who was leaning on Tsuna's desk during their conversation) looked shocked. "Demons can eat?"

"Exactly what I said, bro." I held up my hand for a high-five, and even though Gokudera looked suspicious and slightly embarrassed, he returned it.

"Haha, Gokudera, I didn't know you high-fived people!" Yamamoto laughed, as carefree as ever.

"S-shut up, baseball freak!" Gokudera scowled.

"Are these guys always this riled up?" I asked a freaked-out Tsuna. It's been a while since we've talked.

"Y-yeah, you kind of get used to it after a while." Tsuna laughed shakily.

I smiled a little bit. Maybe I made some new friends today. Tsuna was actually kind of nice for someone who's 'No-Good', Gokudera was tough as usual but he seemed to find me interesting enough, and Yamamoto was...well, Yamamoto.

Maybe they did become my friends.

Or we're just classmates that realized the world is shitty and kind of dangerous.

After school I walked over to Reception Room with a nervous heart. I was certain that sooner or later Hibari will just get tired of seeing my face and will 'bite me to death' anyways, assistant or not.

I stood in front of the door, hesitating between knocking on the door or running away. But then again, Hibari said he'd bite me to death if I did…

A voice from behind the door made me nearly jump out of my skin. "I know you're outside, herbivore."

Shivering (how the HELL did he know, anyway?), I opened the door and walked inside. I had to admit, the Reception Room was stylish - it had a black theme to it, with curtains and a leather couch and a rug all in that colour. It looked modern.

All thoughts flew out the window once I saw Hibari Kyoya sitting at a desk, doing paperwork.

"Sit, herbivore," He ordered me. I saw another (smaller) desk off in the corner. It was very bare, with only two trays on its surface - OUT and IN trays. I hesitantly moved over and sat down. Silence.

"So, um…" I gulped when he shot me an irritated glare. "Do I…er…do something when I'm here?"

I flinched and nearly ducked under the desk when he stood up. Then he grabbed a stack of papers from one of the two trays on his desk and walked over to me. He dropped them into the IN tray.

"My subordinates have hideous handwriting," He said in his quiet, dangerous voice. "Whenever I look at their writing, I have the urge to bite things to death." I gulped again. "Rewrite these on another sheet of paper and return them to me. You are forbidden to leave until you are finished."

"Y-yes, sir!" I squeaked, grabbing the paper at the top of the stack and sliding it over to me. I picked up a pen and winced. Hibari was right - the writing was practically scribbles, done hastily and messily.

I squinted at the words and began to copy it down: Jiromiya Hiroki: 1st Year, Class 4.

Or was it Miyekago Kuroji: 1st Year, Class 9?

God, no wonder Hibari said he wanted to bite things to death when he saw this paperwork. I actually agreed wholeheartedly. I wanted to find whichever subordinate wrote this and slap him. He was just making the world suffer with his ugly handwriting.

Crime: Littering on school grounds

Seriously? Littering? That was a crime? I rolled my eyes, shot a quick glance at Hibari (to make sure he didn't see) and retuned to my work.

Punishment: Disciplinary Committee beating

Ick, I could practically imagine it. Three of Hibari's thugs - I don't care if they're 'subordinates' or 'Disciplinary Committee officers', they are thugs through and through - cornering the poor student in a dark alleyway, not leaving until they were certain the kid learned his 'lesson'.

Okay, one done. And, like, forty more to go. Sigh.

The writing continued for about thirty more minutes. Then I saw a sheet that caught my eye.

Suo Ginosuke: 3rd Year, Class 1

Crime: Spray-painting graffiti on school walls

Now, THAT was a crime. The ones I was rewriting before were all stupid things like sticking gum to the underside of a desk (how did Hibari even know it was that poor sap anyway?), sliding down the stairs on the banister, or (and this must have been when Hibari was in a bad mood) laughing too loudly in the Disciplinary Committee leader's presence.

Punishment:

At this, I held my breath. It was obvious even the guy who wrote this was scared, as his writing got shaky and even more messy.

Bitten to death, sent to hospital (has yet to return)

Ouch. Hibari must have been so furious he bit that guy to death…literally. Normally, Hibari would just give them a little beating, put a few bruises on their face, give them a black eye…if he was in a REALLY bad mood, he would probably make it so they couldn't walk without a limp for a couple of days.

But to send him to a hospital? Hibari must have been really, really mad.

But in a way, it was totally that guy's fault.

"Herbivore."

I yelped a little and jumped in my seat. I looked up to see Hibari glaring at me. "Y-yes?" I squeaked.

"You aren't writing anything."

"Oops, s-sorry!" Ah, I was sitting there just staring into space. I grabbed my pen and began to copy it down.

"Did you have a problem with what was written on there?"

I shivered, he still wouldn't stop glaring at me. "N-no…" I said meekly, but forced myself to raise my voice a little bit. "I-I just got lost in thought when I r-read this."

Hibari narrowed his eyes slightly. "Why?"

"W-well, this guy got sent to the hospital b-by y-you for spray-painting on the school w-walls…"

"And?"

"And…" I gulped and said in a slightly smaller voice. "I just th-thought he d-deserved w-what he did."

At this, I could have sworn Hibari's eyes widened slightly. There was a long silence: him, just staring at me with those glinting, animalistic eyes, looking fearsome and powerful; me, fiddling with the hem of my shirt, squirming under his stare and trying not to fidget at the same time.

Then he said, ever so quietly, "What makes you think that, herbivore?"

"B-because he was stupid enough to do that, a-and it's obvious this school means so m-much to you…so he w-was stupid to vandalize your p-property, t-that's all."

Hibari looked at me some more, then looked back at his own paperwork. I took that as a sign to grab my pen again and continue writing. I suddenly felt desperate to escape this room.

Finally, an hour or two later (how could I explain this to my mom?), I stood up wearily, wincing at the soreness in my legs, and moved to quietly place them on the edge of his desk.

"Give them to me, herbivore," He commanded. I nodded quickly and gave them straight to him. The minute I was sure his hands closed around the papers, I immediately retracted my hands and linked them behind me, fidgeting again.

"You are free to leave," He said, not even looking at me anymore. I bowed to him and made a quick beeline to the door.

Just two steps towards freedom he suddenly spoke up again.

"Herbivore…keep an eye out for any wrongdoers. Report them to me. Return to the Reception Room after school tomorrow. Fail to do any of this and you will be bitten to death. That is all."

I leaped the rest of the way towards the door and wrenched it open. Before I closed it, I suddenly felt the urge to be polite. I tuned back to the scary boy sitting at the desk and said quietly, "Have a good day, Hibari-san."

I could have sworn that he looked up when I was closing the door. But that was probably me hyperventilating.

"Whew," I breathed a sigh of relief, dashing out of the school (thank GOD he didn't see me, or I would have been punished). I was free!

Honestly, being around him gave me the creeps. And not just because he was scary as the demon lord himself, or that I nearly got beaten up by him a few hours ago.

No, it was because I was breaking a rule I was SURE to get punished for, whether I was his new assistant or not.

I was wearing the wrong uniform.

I looked down at my uniform - the pants, shirt, tie, jacket, boy's uniform, really - and sighed.

My name is Mitarashi Ari, my full name being Arisa. I am secretly a girl.

Otaku-chama: Okay, seriously, some days I have to ask myself: Why do I keep on writing new stories and not bothering to update them?

Well, I do update them, it just takes a while. Because I have SO MANY STORIES TO UPDATE.

But whatever, I just couldn't resist writing this XD

Loves to all Hibari-fans! Yeah, my OC is the classic crossdresser, except for two different things:

1) Unlike the overused Ouran-High-School-Host-Club shtick where the crossdresser is super cute and girly and the normal, sane people think "You're either a girl or you're a gay transvestite, how do people NOT see this?", my OC, Ari, looks and acts like a boy.

2) She is NOT a Mary-Sue. She has her strengths and weaknesses, she is NOT based after me so it isn't one of those stories where the fangirl puts herself into the story and hooks herself up with her favourite hottie character.

I mean, YES, she is an OC, and YES, she will obviously get paired up with Hibari in the future, you wouldn't be reading this if there wasn't any romance, right?

Once again, Ari is NOT based after me: I am not a crossdresser, first of all, and Hibari isn't even my favourite character. He's just fun to write about.

So there won't be any love-at-first-sight crap. Because Hibari does NOT fall in love with herbivores...yet. ;)