P0wer 0f 3 Studio presents

A Tripod of Argumentation Production

"Ouran High School Host Glub"

Starring

Karkat Vantas

Eridan Ampora

Kanaya Maryam

Troll Dirk Strider

Troll Dave Strider

Nepeta Leijon

and

Equius Zahhak

Written by DM-sama

Edited by stoicalKrater

Based on the characters by Andrew Hussie and Bisco Hatori

Made With Love 3

~*O*~

Kith kith fall in lovve!

Hey, hey, hey!

You will now proceed to audibly imagine the entirety of Sakura Kiss as sung by the combined efforts of both Sollux and Eridan.

Because fuck you. XD

Hey! Hey! Maybe you're my lovve!

~*O*~

The afternoon bell chimed.

Light chatter filled the library as its inhabitants casually discussed the day's events. Their discarded books lay forgotten on dusty shelves. They might as well have never existed.

I couldn't believe my eyes. Wasn't the Alternian Private Academy library one of the most prestigious on this side of the quadisphere? Didn't these trolls, with their frou-frou dresses and high self esteem, realize that most of these books were the envy of troll collectors worldwide?

Fuckasses.

Clutching my own worn algebra textbook to my chest, I quietly closed the grandiose door and sulked back into the hallway. This place has four library rooms, for fuck's sake. You'd think one of them would be fucking quiet.

There has to be someplace on this bohemian labyrinth of an academy that tolerated a little peace and quiet.

I wandered around the vast interior of the building, lost in thought. My footsteps echoing about its depths, there was a certain gloom to the vast corridors. No longer did I stare up at the intricate glass paneling like a slack jawed fool, but rather with a silent resignation.

A collection of shadows flew past the elaborate windows, and I solemnly turned in time to see a flock of birds soaring out of view. An image of bright red glasses flashed into my mind, and a dulled pang of grief hit me. How are things in heaven, Mom? Can't believe it's been ten fucking years already…urgh, sorry…

I continued my aimless wandering, hoping to stumble across a quiet corner to relax and finish my studying. I had only started attending this gritty school a few weeks ago, yet I was already convinced that rich kids only came to school to have a good time. It was bullshit to the sixty ninth degree, but so long as that underprivileged lowblood scholarship kept on funding my being here, I could tolerate it.

Besides, it's not that bad. At least these bucketspewers want to ignore me as much as I them.

Snapping out of my daze, I glanced up at the sign hanging just above the academy door I had wandered in front of.

Music Room #3

An abandoned music room, huh?

Figuring it was the only place I would be able to study in peace, I listlessly twisted the door handle and peaked inside, thinking all I would see was an old room filled with ghostly furniture and dust bunnies. Instead, a handful of rose petals floated towards me in greeting, accompanied by the gentle sway of a wind chime. And then, just when I became convinced of my insanity, a collection of melodious voices welcomed me into the room.

When I opened the door, I found…six of the biggest douche bags you ever fucking saw.

Episode 1

~*Starting Today, You Are A Host!*~

—

Only those wwith excellent social standin' an those from filthy fich families are lucky enough to spend their time here at the elite privvate school, Alternian Academy. The Alternian Host Glub is wwhere the school's handsomest buoys wwith too much time on their hands entertain young gills wwho also havve wway too much time on their hands. Just think of it as Alternian academy's elegant playground for the sopor fich an buoytiful.

—

I couldn't believe my eyes. I readjusted my glasses. I couldn't believe my ears. I slapped my cheek repeatedly. This had to be a dream. Somewhere between the hallway and the music room, my senses must have gotten fucked up to the point of delusions.

The trolls regarded me curiously from their place in the center of the (not abandoned) music room. They each possessed a face of esteemed elegance, eyes gleaming with their superior blood. My eyes trailed over each of the people inhabiting the room, myself locked in a stupefied numbness.

My heart was jumping painfully up into my throat as stark realization sunk in. "T—this is the Host Club?" I backed into the door fearfully, my hand flailing around as it struggled to find the knob. Oh shit oh shit oh fuck oh shit…

"Oh, wow, it's a candy corn," a familiar pair of voices chorused listlessly.

A green blooded troll dressed in a stylish suit critically observed me. I suddenly became exceptionally self-conscious of my grubby brown sweater and tousled hair, but she could have seemed less interested. "Dirk, Dave, I believe this young man is in the same class as you, isn't he?"

I suddenly recognized the Strider twins from my biology class. How could I not? I took my time to try and avoid them, mostly because their identical expressions of secret pleasure freaked me out. Only their shaded glasses and hairstyles signaled them apart. Those assholes are in this dumb club too?

The brothers shrugged. The one I thought was Dirk mumbled, "Yeah, but he's shy."

"He doesn't act very sociably," continued Dave,

"So we don't know much about him," they finished in perfect sync.

Identical expressions of boredom crossed their faces. The green blooded female, however, smirked knowingly.

A light bulb flickered somewhere in the distance.

"Well, that certainly wasn't polite, boys," she mumbled. The twins shrugged, seeming completely disinterested in the subject. Turning to the frantic commoner, the green blood continued courteously, "Welcome to the Alternian Host Club," Her smirk grew more pronounced, "Mr. Candy Corn."

"WWhat?" The sea dweller had risen from his seat in excitement, his outlandish cape rippling a from the abrupt shift. "You must be Karkat VVantas!" the seadweller continued, eyes wide with wonderment. "You're that exchange student ww'vve heard a boat."

Having long since waged war on, and horrifically beaten by, the door knob (the thing must be fucking broken!); I paused when I heard my name. Tentatively, I peaked over my shoulder, dread curling my stomach. "How do you know who I am?"

"Why, you're infamous," the stylish female stated matter-of-factly, as if though I should know that. "It's not too often that a low blood manages to wiggle their way into our academy, you know."

Low blood?

"You must have audacious nerve to be able to fight your way into this school, exchange program or otherwise, Mr. Vantas."

Audacious?!

The derogatory words skulked through my mind, packing a mean punch to my self-esteem. I couldn't even tell if they were condescending or complimentary. Probably both.

"I suppose I should say thank you," I grumbled, my frustrations quickly mounting. I resorted to biting my cheek, knowing that even one foul word spoken to any of these highblooded pricks would instantly land me back at my old hellish nightmare of an institution before I could say oh fuck.

"You're wwelcome!" I felt a hand clasp my shoulder. The sea dweller noble had suddenly appeared at my side, glowing with delight. His finny ears were quivering. Is this guy for real? "WWhy, you're a hero to the common blood, Mr. VVantas!" He went on in a grand voice, seeming unaffected by my murderous intent. "After all, you havve showwn the wworld that evven a lowwblood can ex-shell at our elite pirvvate acodemy!"

This has to be a prank…please, dear sweet Hussie, tell me this is a joke.

I shuffled away, but the Host would have none of it, following blithely after me. His cape rippled charismatically behind him. "It must be hard for you to be codstantly looked dowwn upon by others—"

"I think you're taking this low blood thing too far, you weird fuck—"

"Culled, neglected, but that doesn't matter noww that you're wwith us!"

Finally catching up to me, he placed a firm hand on my shoulder once more and pulled me close. Seeming to radiate with glee, he offered me a gracious bow. "WWe wwelcome you, candy corn, to our wworld of magic!"

He held his arms out to me, as if he was introducing me to a whole new reality filled with cupcakes and slime pies. For a moment I could almost see what he was talking about, though it must have been the rose petals talking. I skulked resolutely towards the door, my bullshit meter reaching an all time high. "I'm leaving, you dumbasses."

"Heeey!"

A new set of small hands suddenly grabbed my arm and yanked me back into the room. I almost tripped over my feet in shock and gawked at the newcomer, a tiny little cat girl that was grinning joyfully at me. Her dulled green eyes were sparkling blissfully, her face flushed with admiration.

"AC gazes in wonder at the supurrhero befur her, thinking that this Karkitty must be pawsitively delightful!"

I coolly regarded her smiling face. "I'm not a fucking hero; I'm just a lowblood blood." A sudden thought struck me. "AND WHO ARE YOU CALLING KARKITTY?!"

The poor girl fled to the other end of the room in terror. I myself had to pause to take a quick breath, my abrupt outburst leaving me winded. Suddenly the obnoxious sea dweller slid into my view, seeming contemplative. "Hmm, nevver wwould havve thought the famous candy corn swwung that wway. To beach troll his owwn, I guess."

My mind went blank. "I…what?"

Seeming to reach a decision, he snapped his fingers determinedly. "So, tell me, wwhat kinds of troll are you into, candy corn?" He appeared at my side and clasped a firm hand on my shoulder. "Do you like the strong, silent type?" He gestured towards the bulkiest Host that has yet to speak. "The Lolita?" The cat girl regarded me with weepy eyes. "Howw about the mischievvous type?" The Strider twins bumped shoulders, their smirks evident. "Or the cool type?" The stylish female was smirking.

My mind was a whirlwind of confusion and disorientation, and I stumbled blindly away from the people I was convinced had gone insane. I stuttered incoherent babble, trying to make them see it wasn't like that, that I had just been trying to find a quiet place to study. It didn't work. Instead, a new glint appeared in the sea dweller's luscious, violet eyes, one that sent a shiver down my back. "Or maybe…?"

A hand suddenly appeared on my cheek. My face was flushing with color as he leaned in close enough for me to feel the warmth of his breath. "You're into a guy like me?" His smile revealed a row of blindingly white teeth. "Howw say you?"

My breath was caught somewhere in my throat. The room swam before my eyes, and before I knew it I was falling backwards into oblivion. My elbow knocked into something hard, and my heart abruptly stopped beating.

I tried to turn around fast enough. I tried to reach out and catch it. But by the time I did any of those things, the beautiful, oriental bowl had already crashed onto the tiled floor, bits and pieces of smashed gemstones marking its grave. My stomach rolled in nausea, my face paling with horror as I slowly realized what had just happened.

Someone groaned. The twins appeared in my peripheral vision. "We were going to feature that Befurian bowl at the upcoming school auction," moaned Dirk.

"Now you've done it, candy corn, the bidding on that vase was supposed to start at eight million boonbonds!"

"WHAT?!"

Nothing compared to the sheer terror that flooded through me. I slumped over, trying to calculate the raw numbers in my mind, unable to even compute that much money. How many boon dollars is that? How many dollars is even in a bond?! FUCK!

I couldn't feel my legs.

"I…um, I'm going to have to pay you back," I mumbled weakly.

"With what money?" The Strider twins looked amused, completely uninterested in the priceless bowl that I had smashed into oblivion.

"You can't even afford proper prescription glasses," smirked Dave, or maybe it was Dirk.

"What's with those, anyway? They make your horns look even nubbier."

I wanted to smack myself for even making the suggestion. Of course I couldn't pay back that much money! I would have to work the grave yard shift for four hundred and twenty years, AT LEAST, to cultivate that much dough.

If I can't pay them back with cold hard cash, then that means…

Kanaya coolly inspected a broken bit of the vase in her hands, her grin still evident. "Well, what do you think we should do, Eridan?"

A new sinking horror filled me. The sea dweller almost appeared to be one step ahead of me. He took a seat, and snapped his legs together, glaring at me over the rim of his glasses.

"There's a famous sayin' you might havve heard, VVantas," Eridan declared impressively, his entire demeanor changed to that of a Supreme Court official. He threw his whole arm up, aiming directly for my heart. "WWhen on Prospit, do as the Prospitarians do."

The sea dweller's sudden change in attitude had left me completely blindsided. Some distant part of me was screaming for me to return to reality, but I was just so caught up in the role I had been assigned, it was all I had to remember how to breathe.

"Since you havve no money, you can pay wwith your body."

The sinking feeling got worse. I waited in cold anticipation for the final verdict. He finally gazed at me, his pure, violet eyes glinting with steely delight.

"Startin' today, you can be the Host Glub's personal guppy fish."

-"HOST"

-"GLUB'S"

-"GUPPY FISH"

I almost felt the words be stitched onto my forehead, and I sunk deeper into a new type of despair. The despair of abstract humiliation.

What just happened?

I'll tell you what happened, you dumb shit!

You've just been captured by a bunch of trolls that are calling themselves a host club!

The depths of my hopelessness were so deep that when the crazy cat girl curiously poked my arm I sunk to the floor like a wistful dandelion and gratefully fell into stupor.

~*O*~

Don't. Ask.

Even I don't know anymore. -_-

Oooooh, but was this fun to write!