Eternal SailorM (Bombay/Omi)
Damn... what's happening to me? I slept with Schuldig and Ran... in the same day!!! I mean, what... I know what I was thinking, but why did I think it would solve anything? I feel like I'm starting to lose my edge... Starting to? Hell! It's been going for a while! Damn it, Ouka, you were the one woman I think I could have loved - not that I've known that many women besides you, Manx, Birman, and now Somali - but you've ruined me.
Wait a second... no, not love, like what I feel for Schuldig. Not even like what I feel for Ran. It's... more like how I think of Moira-neesan or Yohji. I mean, how else could I have loved you? You were my - Mamoru's - sister.
What I don't understand is what came over me earlier today. Yes, I needed to get Fluch out of my head, but... did I just... just... use Schu for it? Then what was the whole thing with Ran? Why do I - why am I starting to feel this great... tightness in my chest when I think about him? Is it because he treated me like I was something special? Is that why I'm softening up to him? I knew there was a reason I reminded him I wouldn't break. I never want to be someone's doll again; Hikaru was enough to prove to me I can't stand to be treated like that. I'd almost prefer Masa's rough handling than to be treated like a doll again. Almost, but not quite. I'm not that much of a masochist.
I'm such a paradox, even to myself. I don't want to treated like a doll, but I love cuddling and being cuddled. I'm a masochist who kills people. I'm a monster who can't stand the thought of either of his lovers in pain. I'm a murderer who wants to protect the ones he loves.
What was it Ran said once? 'Neither god nor devil, I'm just a murderer'? I know exactly what that means now. Taking control of our body and beginning to come into my own, starting my own life, has meant realizing what I do for a living. Before, Weiss was just a job, like the flowershop, but now... Now I wonder if I could take a mission if I had to.
Cold metal digs into the small of my back as I walk down the street, reminding me of my resolution. I may not take another life, but I'm not going to let the people I care about be hurt either. I mean, I have the darts Schu bought me in my shorts pocket, but that's for just in case. The handgun designed for tranquilizer darts was my last stealing job. I just hope neither Schu nor Ran noticed me slipping out last night. I hope Schu notices the note. I hope things go okay for Ran in the Koneko. I really hope Siberian isn't around.
That settles it. I'm definitely a worrier.
18 March 2002
Just a bit more on Bombay. Nothing overly important...