Nasu Kinoko and Type-Moon created and own Fate/Stay Night, Fate Hollow Ataraxia, Fate Zero, Fate EXTRA, Fate Extella, Fate Grand Order, Fate/Kaleid Liner Prisma Illya, Fate Apocrypha, Fate Strange/Fake, Fate Prototype, Fate School Life, Tsukihime, Kagetsu Tohya, Melty Blood, and Kara no Kyoukai.
Phantasm in the Machine.
Episode One.
We Don't Sell Mapo Tofu Here.
A great old and wise cranky crazy man once said it best. "This is an imaginary story. But aren't they all?"
The streets of Mahora City were like a ghost town, boiling under the fierce, almost blinding summer sun. This great city, the inheritor of Fuyuki's survivors, the proud longtime rival of Honnouji, the neighbor of Nerima, this pride and child of Western architects working on layouts drawn by old men of forbidden knowledge, rested lazily, like a slumbering beast diggesting a particularly large and difficult meal, in between the shiny blue sea and the green mountains where a few mysterious beasts from yore still lurked (like Milky Holmes, tall ninja, chupacabras and Twilightards too stupid to realize society will kill them if it sets eyes on them), reluctant to disappear just yet.
A few of them had even boldly challenged their fate by moving directly into the comercial district, doing things like settling down with bars and cafes, much like their Mundus Magicus relatives. Unafraid of conventions, risking all nine lives over the right to own a comfortable place of rest and relaxation, these small humanoid cats, often mistaken for circus midgets in suits or exploited children in cosplay, coasted by on the mercy of easily blackmailed public employees and the reluctance of the average Japanese over getting themselves involved into really weird stuff. All the same, that also meant the Ahnenerbe Cafe was not, to word it gently, very successful as a commercial enterprise. In fact, it made like 90% of it's money from Karakuri Chachamaru's daily visits.
Neco Arc, the cafe's owner, napped behind the bar, with Neco Arc Bubbles dozing off at a chair, blowing large snot bubbles from her tiny nose. The shady, rugged Neco Arc Chaos sat by a nearby table, sweating under the merciless summer heat in his thick long black trenchcoat and high collared shirt, smoking cigarette after cigarette to cope. A low, melancholic melody drifted from the cafe's rusty red jukebox, languishing at a corner under gray portraits of the cats hanging around together at Disneyland, a Norwegian shore, a post-apocalyptic black wasteland (better known as ComicCon), and a desert of the Magical World.
The city was mostly empty, most tourists and locals gathered at the Academy grounds out of town proper, partaking into the greastest academic festivities yet. There was no business at all to be had in a small, dingy, seedy run-down cafe run by aliens of questionable legality at that time, whether those aliens were all too cute cats or not. And yet, the phone rang. Not a cellphone, but an old red phone, dialing wheel and everything even, set on the bar close enough to Neco Arc the white sweater and purple skirt clad kitten woke up with a jolt and a hiss of shock, her ears and long tail stiffening in surprise. "Nyaaaaaa!" she cried, looking at the pone as if it was posessed, unwilling to believe they had just, after all this time, actually gotten a call. "What is this?!"
Neco Arc Bubbles clumsily pulled ahead from her heavy slumber, wiping her nose with the back of a paw and smacking her lips in what almost sounded like a guess but made no real sense at all whatsoever. Chaos, the cat with the most common sense currently present, put off another cigarette against his ashtray and said, with his slow, deep and mysterious voice, "I think it has started."
"Started? Whaddya mean it's started?!" Neco Arc hissed at Chaos, who just laughed at her much like a stoned fellow would. "Why would it start now of all times, nya?"
Bubbles nodded stupidly, head moving back and forth hard enough to make it look like her head would fall off at any moment while the phone kept on ringing.
"I know you've been burned by life... all nine of them..." Chaos mused between philosophical puffs of his smoke, "but hope springs eternal, don't you think? Wouldn't you look stupid if you spent your whole time bitching about the unfairness of everything before being proved wrong, much like OverMaster with UQ Holder chapter 140?"
Bubbles nodded again like a motorized while the phone kept on ringing.
"Don't say that name in my business-nya! Just wait, it's only a mater of time before the bitching about things being resolved offscreen happens!" Neco Arc shivered while the phone kept on ringing. "Anyway, I don't know yet! Why don't you answer it, Chaos?"
"But it's your phone, Neco Arc," he said, while the phone kept on ringing and Bubbles nodded at his words.
"Mine?! I always thought it was yours!" Neco Arc gasped. "This world is truly a place full of surprises, nya. Okay, here it goes, then!" She picked the phone up and meowed, "Ahnenerbe Cafe, nya? Can we help you, but mostly, can you help us out?"
"It's starting," somebody told her through the line.
"Oh!" she blinked. And she looked at the other two cats. "It's starting!"
"That's right," Chaos nodded gravelly, while Bubbles stopped nodding at last. "This is the moment that comes once every ten years, when an author gets stuck and just flaps madly around for insane copied ideas. Then various tales, no matter how unlikely, cross paths and the laws of reason just fly out the window."
"I thought that happened all the time, tho'!" Neco Arc gasped.
Chaos blew several elegant rings of smoke. "It transcends obligations, adult circumstances, and morals," he further mused. "The Carnival begins!"
"Ohhhhh!" Neco Arc said, still holding the phone while Bubbles chewed uselessly on it like the child with special needs she was.
Another kitty sitting across the cafe, a mature beauty of a cat with pink hair, purred pleasantly. "A new dimension where those who've never met each other can meet at last. Depending on your viewpoint, that could be fortunate or tragic, but there is always such a beauty in those fleeting moments of what could have been, and what could be yet..."
"Is there liquor in that drink?" Neco Arc asked, staring at the half-empty (yes, the author is THAT kind of guy. The proofreader is the OTHER kind of guy, so he could've changed it to half-full in the version you're reading now, for all I know) glass in Neco Arc Destiny's paw. "Because I'm pretty sure you're drunk, nya."
"You still look ugly to me, so no, I'm still sober," Destiny said, raising their half-full glass and making it completely not-full (proofreader insertion, away!)
"I'll give you a refill, then...!" Neco Arc announced, holding up a large bottle. It was completely not-empty with more booze.
"Now, let us all enjoy this fleeting Carnival," Chaos mused, allowing himself an enigmatic smile. "Before we, too, are canceled for the next big thing!"
Capsule Servant! Episode One.
The Holy Grail War. A most-deadly contest, held through generations between seven Magi and their Servants, the Heroic Spirits of yore (and other places, but mostly yore). Saber. Archer. Lancer. Rider. Caster. Berserker, Assassin. All of them battling each other to death until only one pair stands to claim the glory of the all-mighty wish granting chalice, the Great Grail of Fuyuki…
Except because now it is the Great Grail of Mahora, there are all manners of insane Extra classes, and nothing ever gets done in time. I hope you're happy wherever you are, Emiya Kiritsugu! This is all your fault!
I am Kotomine Kirei, supervisor for the Fifth Grail War, Exorcist of the Church, humble follower of the Lord's gospel, and accomplished manpo tofu chef. Today, I will share with you misguided lambs what happened nine years ago, shortly after the Great War that ravaged Fuyuki, all thanks to Emiya Kiritsugu, his absent-minded wife, and their Servant Saber, who damns every country she touches.
From the ashes, new life had risen, life with new bright hopes and dreams to eventually be crushed, much like those of their predecessors. And a game embodying those dreams and hopes for all children! Capsule Servant! Somewhat familiar-looking adorable Heroic Spirits in some kind of battle game enjoyed by the children of the future, derived from a small-scale summoning of pseudo-Heroic Spirits, called Capsule Summoning!
Yes, it's basically Gaim without Kamen Riders. The Urobutcher was involved, what did you expect?
Yes, someone had once again thought of ways to profit from the misfortune of the magi, by making it adorable and selling a watered down form of it to the ignorant masses. Much like the whole ugly affair with that Rowling woman. I have no objections against exploiting others suffering and ruin, but to do it for money is an appalling mercenary act that I find to be unforgivable!
Well, that doesn't really matter, but anyway Mahora City has once again been caught up in a bothersome disturbance in space-time.
"Yes," Nagato Yuki says. "It's what happens every time Kyon-san is undergoing some sort of emotional crisis or having a dirty dream. He was plagued by self doubt back then, believing himself a bad Capsule Servant gamer. Which he was, but—"
I don't know what you're talking about, Nagato-san, but please depart, this is my story, and take your false god away with you, will you? In any case, Servant-like things were being summoned one after another. Individuals with the drive and egos of actual Masters, but controlling only paltry creatures of buffoonish appearance, appearing one after another in quick succession. Fight, fight on…!
The powers of darkness and microtransactions ate away at the people's hearts. However! While everyone, especially Itoshiki-sensei, fell to their knees in despair, two courageous elementary school students, Shirou and Rin, with the power of the Capsule Servants they obtained by chance, faced an array of villains, over 150 Servants including Mewtwo, and a gathering of evil Masters.
Who could be behind this?!
Me? Don't be foolish, I'm naught but a soft spoken priest and manpo tofu connoisseur.
Could Shirou restore the peace of the city for everyone, and could Rin restore the peace of the city for herself…?!
"We're still here, so don't you think the answer should be quite obvious?" Nagato Yuki asks.
Oh, just be quiet already you. Weren't you supposed to be a mute?
Today, Matou Shinji grins at Emiya Shirou and his white bikini-clad, watergun-sporting Saber in the middle of a large empty lot. The thinner boy cackles, gesturing with his right hand in a sweeping fashion, while young Mister Emiya only frowns at him, trying to decipher Matou's game this time. Needless to say, Shirou's brain is proving itself to be somewhat ill-equipped for the task at hand.
"Give it up, Emiya, you'll never figure out my intentions in time!" Shinji laughs, his eyebrows going up and down in an almost pneumatic, quite theatrical way. "You and your weak, stupid Saber have, once again, fallen into a trap of the great Shinji, but this will be your last! By the way, nice swimsuit, Saber."
The blonde nods, frowning. "Thank you. Shirou bought it for me."
Shinji keeps an eyebrow briefly fixed in raised interest, then stares quizzically at Shirou.
The redhead shrugs. "Wh-What? It's the best kind of swimwear for a young athletic woman who needs a lot of freedom as a bodyguard! Anyway, Matou! Why do I need to figure anything out? You're about to tell me all about your plan anyway!"
"Hah! Why would I do such a stupid thing?!" the other boy mocks him.
"Because otherwise, what is the point of stalling us here for a hero-villain conversation with you, instead of just killing us from the start?" calmly asks Saber, who has been in these situations far longer than any of us. "That is, if you really had any way to do that…"
"I do, and it's a real neat one!" the offended Shinji says. "But you're right, lovely Saber, I want you to learn a few things before my Servant destroys you. First of all, Emiya, I have remembered!"
Shirou blinks. "You remember what?"
"Don't play the fool, Emiya! You know perfectly well what I'm talking about! While my own memories tried to protect me by blocking the worst of those gray days, now I remember clearly how you wronged me, humbling me through an unfair twist of your blind luck!"
"… you lost me," Shirou confesses.
"I wish!" Shinji hisses, slamming a foot on the dirt. "Think back to nine years ago, Emiya! Back then, you played Capsule Servant, didn't you?!"
"Oh, that old game?" Shirou nods. "Yeah, the starting pack was one of the gifts Dad gave me for our first anniversary. What about it? Nobody plays Capsule Servant anymore…"
"Well, I do!" Shinji protests.
Shirou flinches. "You still play Capsule Servant at your age? I don't want to tell you how to live your life, but isn't that a little…? A-Anyway, you have people willing to play it with you?!"
Shinji huffs proudly. "Of course! Every Gaming Con in the Four Schools Area knows of Matou Shinji, King of Capsule Servants! I'm the champion to beat in every Retro Gaming circuit… not that anyone can ever trump me, naturally!"
"Nerd," Saber says.
Shinji growls at her. "Sh-Shut up, you macho woman, you curt, primitive barbarian you! Emiya! I was defeated only once, back when I was young and naive! And that was… at your accursed hands, but now I shall have my revenge! Against you and Tohsaka Rin!"
Shirou blinks. "What does Tohsaka have to do with this? Didn't you want revenge on her over something else altogether?"
"No, she was there as well!" Shinji protests. "Let me refresh your memory, then, before you meet the instrument of your doom!"
"May I kill him now, Shirou?" Saber asks her Master.
He shakes his head. "Let him explain himself first, at least…"
That day, Matou Shinji grinned at Emiya Shirou and Tohsaka Rin in the middle of a large empty lot. The thinner boy cackled, gesturing with his right hand in a sweeping fashion, while young Mister Emiya only frowned at him, trying to decipher this strange random little guy's game. Needless to say, Shirou's brain was proving itself to be somewhat ill-equipped for the task at hand.
Rin-chan sighed. "I hate seaweed."
Shirou gave her a perplexed look. "Who are you, and what are you doing here?"
The twin tailed girl standing by his side shot him an acerbic glare. "That's my line, kid! I'm Tohsaka Rin, queen of the local Capsule Servant circuit! Obviously, this geek brought me here so he could ambush me and take my Servant away, but I don't understand why he'd bother with someone like you!"
Shirou blinked. "You use a lot of big words! How old are you?"
Shinji-kun coughed into a fist. "Tohsaka, that's Emiya Shirou."
Rin's twintails sprang up. "Emiya Shirou?! You mean the newbie who's been sweeping the area over the last week?! The one who took out the Fujiyoshi sisters, Commissioner Kosaka's son, and God of Servants Katsuragi Keima, kicking Katsuragi so hard he swore off CS forever and turned to galge?!"
Shirou, again, blinked. "Oh, so those were their names? I had no idea they were popular, I just took this game Dad bought for me and went out to play with it, just like Dad told me to…"
Flashack Within a Flashback!
"Shirou, just enjoy your childhood, mingle with your peers and relax," Kiritsugu smiled, patting him on the shoulder while gently leading him out of the Dojo. "That's how children are supposed to be. Forget about that hero stuff for a while and focus on Capsule Servant for now…"
"What if I become a hero of Capsule Servant, father?" Shirou asked.
Kiritsugu sighed inwardly. Baby steps, he told himself. Baby steps… "Yes, Shirou, that's acceptable," he smiled. "Be a hero of Capsule Servant, but please don't try to stop muggings or save cats from trees anymore!"
"Yayyyyy, Capsule Servant!" cheered the boy, who was almost as bandaged as his classmate Kobushi Abiru. Kiritsugu could now understand the poor father of that girl. And to think he had misjudged him once, as well…
"… okay," Rin-chan said. "I guess that explains it, then. Emiya, huh? I think I've heard that name before around the house…"
"Yeah, Emiya, that's me! And this is my Capsule Servant!"
"Gao!" roared a very cute bipedal lion girl standing by Shirou's other side, holding a large piece of meat with a long bone sticking out of it like s cub.
"Gyah, a Saber!" Rin gasped. "You lucky bum, I wanted one of those!"
"Me too!" Shinji lamented. "I only got this booze-stinking Rider instead! Seriously, she smells just like my father!"
"SABER!" a passing Senou Kaede cried. "Why do you avoid me so? Who do I only have stupid silver, frenchmen and Sumanai?!"
The three watched as the poor boy ran away crying, screaming about 'Damned whales' and 'I'll never get Illya'.
"What a very sad person," Shirou said, crushing the souls of all FGO-players everywhere.
The just as tiny and big-headed as Saber pink haired pirate girl by Shinji's side laughed dumbly, swinging two toy flintlocks around. "Treasure! Rum! Treasure! Rum! Ahoy!"
"Do you think that's bad, seaweed-head? I got this Devil May Cry reject!"
"I like swords! I like swords! I like swords!" gruff and manly-boasted an also Super Deformed small man of tanned skin and white hair in red and black, swinging two short swords around Rin's legs.
"He's supposed to be an Archer, but he doesn't even use a bow, he uses swords instead!" Rin bawled. "I wanted a Saber, not an Archer who'd rather be a Saber!"
Shirou, yet again, blinked innocently. "Gee, I feel really bad for you guys… But I still won't trade you my Saber!"
"DIE!" Shinji and Rin roared as they jumped on him along his Servants…
"Saber, I choose you!" Shirou pointed up and commanded.
"GAO!" Saber agreed, quickly leaping ahead while batting away with her slab of meat…
Today, Shirou blinks (some things never change) in realization. "Ohhhhhh, now I remember! You moved away shortly after, didn't you? Geez, no wonder Tohsaka's been so cold to me ever since. I could tell she really liked that Archer…"
Saber stares blankly at him. "You're telling me they did WHAT with OUR images and likenesses?"
Shinji laughs madly and claps. "Bravo, Emiya, bravo! Now I can kill you with a clear conscience, knowing you'll be aware of your sins as I shoot you to hell! You thought you'd never see me again after taking Monster away from me, didn't you? Wrong! I cheated! I rolled again! I didn't care anymore! Screw the rules, I was going to do what was right! I summoned another Servant, and I was blessed… Obviously, Ikari had a fake Rider! I know control the True Rider of this Holy Grail War! Come forth, Rider, and sink our enemies like they deserve!"
Saber gasps as another familiar face from the Fourth War materializes before them. A tall, busty woman with long pink hair in the classic, regal garb of the captains of the seagoing bandits, heavily armed and sporting a large scar across her face that does not diminish her great, dangerous beauty.
"Stealer!" Saber hisses at the sight of the smirking woman, who tosses her hair back over a shoulder as she poses in a way that made her large breasts bounce ever so slightly. Shirou's eyes sheepishly follow the motion of their own accord.
"Never heard that name," the familiar Servant says, "I'm a Rider, mistress of the ocean! Queen of the waves and owner of all treasure along my way! Master told me you fancy yourself some sort of King? Then let's go!" she chuckles, swiftly drawing her pistols out. "Pillaging from royalty, there's nothing better to compliment my day!"
Saber nods grimly, Invisible Air in a hand and water gun in the other. "Even if you have forgotten me, you haven't changed in the slightest. Let us finish what we started back then, then…"
And they charge at each other.
To Be Continued!
"Eh?" Shirou grunts. "You're cutting the story short right when it gets to the best part, really?"
If You Could Reach Your Pink Goddess With Your Gunslinging Prayers.
Magical Girls. That is what we call those extraordinary young women who have, through resources that most of us could only call supernatural, reached a heightened state of being, a higher level of human evolution, usually manifested through very short skirts, sparkly flashy superhuman powers, flawless skin, a true Action Girl disposition, fabulous hair, and a propensity to make men around them look bad and weak in comparison. Lesbianism is sometimes but not always a side effect of reaching this stage of evolutionary development.
Magical Girls, or Mahou Shoujo as they are called in Japan, are mostly confined to the boundaries of the Japanese islands, or what is left of them after the Second Impact anyway. Still, they aren't uncommon in Mundus Magicus either, and there have been confirmed sightings of Magical Girls in North America since the fifties, at the very least. Usually, they aren't to be mistaken with witches; a witch can belong to either gender, but a Mahou Shoujo is invariably of the female persuasion, and even in the rare cases where a male is granted Mahou Shoujo powers, the activation of said powers will transform him into a female. Although the term is often associated with sexism and discriminatory stereotypes, in truth Magical Girls tend to be actual figures of female empowerment, in stark contrast with other types of feminine action roles in environments dominated and controlled by men (see also- kunoichi of Konoha Village and neighboring areas, Barbie).
A girl can become a Mahou Shoujo through many a different way; most scholars don't recognize birth anomalies as one of them, since that is mostly associated with genetic mutation (see also- X-Men, Brotherhood of Mutants, Inhumans, Great Detectives, Phantom Thieves and all related entries). A notable exception to this rule is the genetic bond to magical planetary leylines from the Silver Millenium, which usually results in the birth of a Magical Girl of the Sailor Senshi variety. While establishing a contract with a Magister or Magistra Magi may grant powers akin to those of a Mahou Shoujo, technically Ministra Magi are not the same thing, even though Ministra and Mahou Shoujo are known to associate under the same banners. The most common origin of the powers of a Mahou Shoujo is contact with an otherdimensional entity from a magical parallel dimension. Often, humanoid denizens from said dimensions, usually royalty, are Mahou Shoujo themselves, presumably from birth, although this area needs more research and remains mostly nebulous so far (see also- Princess Star Butterfly from Mewni, Princess Amethyst of Gemworld, Princess Asuna of Ostia).
Within the different kinds of mostly cute-looking magical creatures that can grant Mahou Shoujo powers (ferrets, cats, ladybugs, mice, Entrails Animal plushies, NOT ermine fairies no matter how much they insist otherwise), the most frequent are Incubators, entities hailing from INFORMATION DELETED-INFORMATION DELETED. They are known to approach select young women who fit certain parameters of magical aptitude and destined emotional torment for the Incubators' objectives. We aren't sure what those exact parameters are, as no specialist of our agency has ever secured an interview with an Incubator, and only their chosen targets, the so-called Puella Magi, can see and hear them. However, the few Puella Magi who have contacted us before disappearing or perishing prematurely have sworn the Incubators have told them historical figures as Pharaoh Cleopatra, Jeanne D'Arc (see also- Servants of Chaldea Organization- Classified File Alpha Level, 5-Gold Star Clearance Needed) , Marie Curie and INFORMATION DELETED-INFORMATION DELETED were Puella Magi themselves.
This Puella Magi's story begins in Roanapur, an island nation in the Western South Pacific, ruled by General M. Bison and his international drug cartel, Shadow Law. Roanapur, along with twin state Roanapur (see also- Madame Viper, HYDRA, Agent Logan, List of Really Bad Shitholes) in Thailand, has been, over the decades, a vicious pit of corruption, drugs and rampant moral decay, and Arkham Asylum inmates have been known to return from Roanapurian vacations crying like babies and tying themselves up under the Bat-Signal on the rooftop of the GCPD (see also- The Batman, Gotham City, James W. Gordon, Ragman, Solomon Grundy). It is deadlocked with the Philippines as the most unpleasant shithole in the Pacific (Gotham reigns supreme on the Atlantic). This is no place for any child to grow up, and yet, that is the place where our subject matter today spent most of her formative years.
The little, black-haired girl clad in filthy, tattered scraps stared up at the small, cute, fluffy and white creature sitting on top of her cardboard box house at the end of the alley. "I don't know how to write," she told the tiny creature with the fixed, oddly soothing pink eyes.
That won't be necessary to make this kind of Contract.
The little girl hummed, rubbing her little chin. "Can I have guns?" she asked.
All the guns you ever may wish for, Revy-chan.
In hindsight, phrasing it that way had been a mistake.
Black Lagoon: Ragical Girl Revy-chan.
(See also- Oda NobuNobu, Demon King of the Sixth Heaven, Servants of Chaldea Organization- Classified File Beta Level, 4-Gold Star Clearance Needed).
Now, several (we won't say exactly how many since we value our lives that much) years later, a young man sat alone in one of the rooms of the vast Yukihiro Manor, quietly sipping from a cup of steaming black coffee as he went over several documents on his work table. The only reason why he could drink said coffee in the first place today was because the young lady of the house was away at the School Festival, since she'd enforced a heavy local ban on coffee of late. Something to do with her homeroom teacher, apparently. Really, they all wished Asuna-san would just get together with her already and settle her down, but no such luck yet
He took it in stride, as he'd learned to do with everything related to his employers in general. Ayaka Ojou-sama was against smoking in the mansion as well, and that had been an indulgence the maids hadn't relented on for that day, unlike the one concerning coffee, so our young hero still had to get by without the smokes he'd normally enjoy at the office. Even so, he still thought it was a nice change of pace whenever he had to run budgets for the manor instead of working at the main Mahora office of the Zaibatsu. The mansion never failed to be so relaxing, so peaceful, so...
The dark haired employee screamed as the room's large window suddenly exploded from the outside and in jumped a tall figure in frilly pink, waving a long dark brown ponytail around. Her girlish overall style of dressing contrasted starkly with the way her pronounced cleavage showed so many large portions of her impressive tracts of firm land, and her short, puffy, silly looking sleeves were totally incongruous with the sick looking tribal tattoos on her arms, going all the way down to her solid biceps. Her thick scarlet boots tapped loudly against the floor as she landed on her feet, amid scattered fragments of broken glass.
"Wh-Who the hell are you?!" yelled our hapless accountant, backing against a wall in panic.
"Ya-hooo!" the strange newcomer spun around, striking a cute pose and a wink. "How do you do?! It's just me, the emissary of Great Justice! Ragical Revy-chan!"
"What the fuck?!" he said.
"You!" she pointed a finger at him, and that wasn't a bad thing. The bad thing was, in the other hand she held a gun, which she ALSO aimed at him. "You're Okamura Rokuro, bean counter for the Yukihiro Clan!"
"Y-Yes...?" he trembled, because it was the truth, but mostly because he had no idea what else to say. Maybe this nut was here to kill him, but then again, if she knew who he was, she'd kill him for sure if he lied to her! "L-Listen, our businesses are all legit, I swear!"
She shrugged. "I know. But that only makes you guys a target when everybody else in the business IS dirty, you know!"
"Then you're here to kill us on behalf of crime?!" Rokuro cried. "Didn't you just say you were an emissary of Justice!?"
"I am!" the Magical Wom- Girl said cheerfully, probably quite a bit drunk judging from the stench flowing from her mouth. It was like ten in the morning, too! "Didn't you know the might that comes with money makes for right? Naturally, by working for the winning side I'm automatically on the side of Justice! If you didn't know that, then you're as much of a socially inept loser as the reports said, Rock-kun!"
"Only my friends call me 'Rock-kun'!" Rock shouted. "And don't think you'll get away with this so easily! Even if you kill me, Yukihiro-sama will hunt you down!"
"So what?!" she smiled. "I'm no normal, run-of-the-mill costumed mercenary with a psychiatric record, I'm a Magical Girl! A real, flesh and blood Magical Girl!"
Rock squinted and sneered. "Riiiiight..."
"Of course I am!" she happily slammed a fist on her chest. "When I was little, a talking plushie came to me and offered me a magical contract! Then it turned out, if I ever lost myself to despair, I'd turn into a monster, but guess what?! Not only do I never despair because I don't give a shit about anyone, but I'm a monster already! Boy, beating the system is great!"
"You aren't magical," Rock accused. "If you were a Magical Girl, you wouldn't need to shoot at people with guns!"
"Ah, but the guns themselves are magical!" Revy laughed. "If you ask them a wish, they'll get rid of whoever has been bothering you! Care for a demonstration?"
"Um, what if I wish for you to go away...?"
"Oh, come on, don't be so boring! Isn't there anyone you'd want to get rid of? I can grant you that last wish, I'm an enforcer of Happiness after all!"
"Well, actually, now that you mention it..."
They now stood on the sidewalk before the oddly penis-like Naba Tower. Rock blinked. "The Nabas? They're the ones who called the hit, for real?!"
"A-yep!" Revy grinned, nodding with her hands on her hips.
"That's bull!" Rock protested. "The Nabas are good friends with the Yukihiros! There's no way they'll want the Yukihiro family dead, their daughter is even in obvious love with Ayaka Ojou-sama! There's not as much tension between them as with Asuna-san but we think she's a good Number Two!"
"I know that too, silly!" Revy laughed again. "That's why they sent me on a day when none of the masters were at home but you were, dumbass! A bean counter is acceptable collateral damage to remind your buddies, hey, you're being too squeaky clean, are you turning good on us, bud?"
Rock paled horribly. "I'm THAT disposable...?!"
Then several armed security guards did burst out through the front entrance. "Hey, you crazy bitch!" the man at the head of the troop barked at Revy. "What the hell are you doing here?! You're invading private property, you have five seconds to leave!"
Revy giggled. "Don't be so stingy, pal! We're friends, after all! Didn't you guys hire me to go after this pencilneck nerd in the first place?"
"The Naba Zaibatsu denies any involvement or alliance with criminal elements, but if we had them, we'd be very pissed off at those elements for not only botching the job, but bringing the target here still alive!" the man roared as his men all nodded emphatically.
Revy gave a crooked, evil grin. "Well. Good thing I was paid in advance, then!"
The men all aimed their weapons at her and the shrieking Rock now.
With a graceful sexy spin and a wave of her handguns, the Magical Wom- Girl sang melodically. "Tokarev! Makarov! Krinkov! Heckler & Koch, all together now!"
And she laughed manically as she opened merciless fire on the attack team. "It's search and destroy time, but you're already found!"
"THAT'S NOT MAGIC! YOU'RE NOT USING MAGIC!" Rock screamed as Revy mowed down wave after wave of Naba soldiers with demented savagery , hiding behind her while the madwoman shot and shot with wild abandon. Until finally, there was only a huge mountain of corpses before them. It was almost as tall as Naba Tower itself, which made Rock briefly wonder about clown cars and that kind of stuff. He ended up just flinching. "That shit's too bloody for Unequally Rational and Emotional! At least keep the camera away from the bodies!"
"Idiot, we're Black Lagoon characters, if anything this is light and cheery for us!" Revy snickered, lowering the guns at last while her hard nipples pressed against the tight fabric of her pink blouse. "Anyway, do you see now? You can solve any problem with guns!"
"They had guns too and they're dead now," Rock pointed out.
"So they don't have any problems anymore, what's your point?" she happily shrugged at him. "Besides, my guns were just better because they are magical, crafted with happy thoughts in the beautiful land of Heston World! That's much more useful than fruity old traditional magic or fruity old rusty human guns, ha ha ha!"
"I see..." Rock sweatdropped. "Um, well, now the guys who hired you are dead, maybe you could let me go..."
She shook her head with another of those smiles. Not the evil ones, but the ones that looked pleasant and so were much scarier in context. "The guy who actually supplied the money is still alive, you know!"
Rock shuddered. "But... But, what's the point, actually?"
"I was paid, that's the point," she fondly patted his head. "What are you getting to here, Rock-kun?"
"Isn't there any way you might let me live?" he all but begged, not being that much proud after all.
She paused, frozen in her terrifying benevolent smile.
"Pay me more than they did, or else, fucktard," she icily told him, her eyes becoming narrow, dead and heartless voids of killer intent.
Rock trembled violently, pulled his cellphone out, and made a very hasty call. "O-O-Ojou-sama? W-Well, sorry, I'm not calling your father because... No, I know, Ojou-sama, this is your big day with your Sensei, I know it's important, but...!" Here he whimpered as Revy placed the cannons of her guns on his temple. "Please, I'm just that disposable to him, but I know you're a better person! I know that must be a very cute costume he's wearing, but they're about to kill me, please!"
Revy paid attention as he nodded a few absent times. "I see. Just as well, I guess, then. Thank you all the same. No, that's okay, I'm satisfied with that if you are. Uh-huh. See you tomorrow, Ojou-sama. Or rather, the day after- What? I can take the day off? At the Festival? Free tickets for all attractions? You're just too kind, Ojou-sama..."
Revy growled to him. "Is she gonna pay?"
"Sorry, but the finances are a bit short lately," he looked at her. "Hm, do you have something to do tomorrow? Do you like Festivals? Now that I think about it, maybe I'd like to spend some more time with you, you're kinda fun..."
She sneered, all good humor gone. "You bastard, what makes you think you'll even be alive-"
"Magical Meido Roberta-chaaaaaaaan!" someone sang flatly as she landed on her head, boots first, knocking her down against the sidewalk. "To the rescue!"
End.
"Wait, just like that?!"
Taiga Dojo!
"Well!" a satisfied Fujimura Taiga said, slamming the tip of her boken against the floor of the training hall. "It's good to be back! No matter what, no matter how many characters come and go, no matter how many times they rename the fanfic or create another spinoff, the Dojo will always return! And you always will return to the Dojo, my loyal apprentice!"
Illya adjusted her sports bloomers and grimaced. "I must be growing up, I swear they weren't this snug before…Damnit, did they shrink in the wash? Anyway, Sensei, what's our reason to be here today? What are we supposed to learn from any of this? I've honestly got no idea!"
"Well, dear apprentice," the short haired woman said, "we're here today to start laying down the law! This isn't a direct adaptation of Carnival Phantasm, but every chapter will be at least inspired by the spirit of the original's contents! The first episode of the anime had a Fate/Game Show, so instead of being that predictable, we went for an adaptation of another kind of Fate game instead! And the second segment of the anime's first episode was a Phantasmoon adventure, so instead of doing that, we went for another Magical Girl's Omake! That's more or less what we'll be doing from now on!"
"Ahh!" Illya said. "Wait, we'll still get 'Illya's Castle', right?! I've gotta show my castle around, otherwise what's the point?!"
"You're already showing off more of yourself than any kid your age should, what's the problem with you?" Taiga muttered, looking down at Illya's exposed creamy legs.
"A kid my age?! I'm already legal! This isn't Prisma Illya!"
"God, I wish it were. I swear that kid's way easier to work with," Taiga sighed, rubbing her temple with a hand.
"You'd get Kuro eventually, so what's the big improvement for you, Sensei?!" Illya challenged. "Besides, if we're following the spirit of the original Carnival Phantasm, how come this chapter never had Lancer dying?!"
As if to answer her question, a lean body in blue was then thrown through the wall, crashing at the feet of the yelping Illya and gasping Taiga. It was riddled with bleeding bullet holes all over, and his eyes were rolled around and ghastly white.
"Oh my God, they've killed Lancer!" Taiga cried.
"They aren't human!" Illya shouted, as the sounds of the war between Ragical Revy-chan and Magical Meido Roberta-chan raged all over the streets of Mahora City.
Then both females in the Dojo paused.
"Well," Taiga simply said, callously pushing Lancer's corpse aside with a foot, "that answers your question now, doesn't it?"
"I guess it does, so… time to hit the bar, right? I told you already, I'm legal."
"Was that a come on? That's a first. Alhtough if you want to get technical, you're this continuity's Kuro-chan…"
"Sheesh, I'm just saying I'm of legal age to drink, not that I like your fat striped ass or anything…"
"That's not what your mom used to say."
"You just leave my mother out of this, okay?! Or else you'll find yourself working with Mikan again, let's see if she draws as much attention as I can!"
To be Continued.
Yuuki Mikan stared at the screen, frowning cutely. "But I'm actually better than that girl, am I not? I'm mean, I've got way more doujins than her and… okay, I'll shut up now."