This is the fourteenth story in my series.
Disclaimer: I do not own or have the rights to anything of the Supernatural universe. I'm just playing in their sandbox.
"So...I was thinking," Sam starts to come clean as he and Dean sit at a random picnic table on the side of a random road in a random US town. They ate quickly and before heading back out to the next case Sam felt the need to tell the truth. Damage control has truly become the name of the game for him. "You were right."
"About?" Dean asks suspiciously. Considering how far away from common sense and morality Sam's been lately the guy could be talking about anything. This whole being soulless thing has been detrimental at best to the guy that used to be his little brother and the relationship between them.
"I'm not your brother," Sam tells him with absolute certainty. "I'm not Sam."
"Okay," Dean accepts the admission cautiously, already not liking where this conversation is going.
"Um, all that 'blah, blah, blah' about being the old me? Crap," he keeps right on going as if it's just too easy to say. The pain written in Dean's expression isn't register by Sam as he continues on without a care. "Like Lizzy, right? I've been acting like I care about her and that she's pregnant. But I don't. And even though it's your kid she's having… I just couldn't care less about it."
"But that kid is your family too, Sam. That's your blood."
"Doesn't seem to change anything."
"I just don't understand that," Dean replies with a hand washing down his long and worry-addled face. He sighs heavily with sadness. "Is this supposed to make me feel better or something?"
"No, but you wanted the real me. This is it," Sam explains his reasons for being so brutally honest. "I don't care about Lizzy or the baby. I don't even really care about you, except that... I need your help. And you're clearly not gonna stick around for much longer unless I give it to you straight, so... I've done a lot worse than you know. I've killed innocent people in the line of duty. But I'm pretty sure it's not something the old me could've done. And maybe I should feel guilty… but I don't."
"Sam, get to the punch line," Dean awkward asks as he shifts uncomfortably in his seat with how cold and calculating this thing in front of him wearing his best friend's mask is.
"I don't know if how I am is better or worse. It's different. You get the job done and nothing really hurts… which isn't the worst thing ever. But I've been thinking and it was... it was kinda harder being the other guy. But there are also things about it I remember that I..." Sam pauses to compose his thoughts. "Let's just say I think I should probably go back to being him."
"That's very interesting," Dean easily says, shocked to hear the revelation come from RoboSam's mouth. It's highly unexpected. "It's a step."
"So?"
"So we do what we got to do," Dean promises to Sam. "And we get my brother back."
"Where are you right now?" Lizzy questions him from the other end of the line as he leans against the old, rotting, wooden post fence at the edge of a large farm property. The day is dreary, clouds hanging overhead and threatening to open up at any time, and Dean can't help but think the sky looks a lot like some brainy symbolism in some too-existential book for his lot in life right now.
"Good old Nebraska," he answers her, letting out a breath with the stress he's always feeling. "Gotta clean up our mess here then heading to Elmwood, Indiana."
"And what's in Elmwood, Indiana?" she copies his down tone and it makes the corner of his mouth lift a little with her attempt.
"Don't know yet," he tells her. "But people are disappearing and from what Sam tells me it sounds like our thing."
"He would know," she concurs, her voice just slightly bitter.
"Yeah, but at least the guy is in the right frame of mind these days."
"Hey, he wants his soul back now. I'd say this is a damn good thing. Now you just gotta do it."
"You been feeling any better?" Dean asks her out of need to change the subject. He's tired of thinking only about Sam's soul with everything else he's got going in his life these days and he knows her morning sickness has been a real bitch to her. It's bothering him to no end that she has to feel so crappy though all this. Most women gain weight while pregnant but he's beginning to wonder if she'll ever gain a pound with how much throwing up she's been doing.
"No, but at least now I can time when I'm gonna puke," she says with a little levity. "Once every two hours. Almost to the minute. It's uncanny."
"That's terrible."
"No it's good! I figured out that if I eat right after I throw up I can keep down some of it before I get sick again."
"I have no idea how women do this." He really doesn't. Being pregnant sounds just terrible.
"We see the end game and hold onto that with an iron grip," she explains quickly and with truth.
"You should talk to a doctor. You can't live like this, L."
"That's the plan. My first doctor's appointment is in a few days and I'll talk to her then."
"Yeah. Ah, I know you wanted me to come with for that one but I'm not gonna be able to make it to the appointment," Dean speeds out as quickly as he can with how much he hates having to tell her that.
"I figured," she keeps her voice light even though he knows she has to be disappointed. "But I just wanted to remind you that I was going."
"I'm sorry…"
"Shut up, would you?" Lizzy says in her usual jokingly annoyed at him tone. "I know you'd be here if you could but it's no big deal. There isn't much happening in there yet so it'll probably be a bunch of dos and don'ts and general health stuff. You can read through all the lame pamphlets when you get here next, I'll save 'em for you."
"Can't wait," Dean says with a hint of sarcasm though it doesn't have the usual gusto his sarcasm normally holds. He's too bummed to punch it out right.
"I'm not upset here," she promised him, reminding him that she does understand it all.
"I know," he confirms for her as he looks around, watching Sam sitting on the trunk of the Impala with his laptop out. "But I swear I'm gonna come home as soon as I can."
"Oh I know you will," she assures. "And while you're gone I'll have plenty of time to get shit in order. We have a lot of things we're gonna need."
"You're gonna blow all our savings on this baby, aren't you?"
"You know it."
Dean laughs at this one. She does love shopping and with her excitement level he doesn't doubt that they'll be broke as a joke in no time. He's ok with that, though.
"Uh, so, Bobby's been calling me a lot lately. A lot. Like, every day."
"Not surprised," Dean returns, kicking a rock by his foot. "He calls me every time you don't answer to make sure you're fine."
"Jesus Christ," Lizzy complains. "Are you serious?"
"As a heart attack."
"What the fuck, man?" Lizzy asks in an annoyed but not angry tone. "I'm not dying over here. He's crazy right now."
"He's just concerned about you being on your own," Dean reminds her. "You're like his daughter. And that kid's like his grandkid. Cut him some slack."
"When he takes it down to one call every other day then I'll cut him some slack."
"Go easy on the old man. He's actually looking forward to something in his life for the first time in a long ass time. If he's annoying, let him be."
"Yeah," she complains a bit, knowing he's right and it makes Dean smirk. Overtime he recognizes when she knows he's right because she'll uses that certain tone of voice. She's never admit he's right but the giving in so easily is good enough for him. "He's been doing research you know."
"On what?"
"On childbirth and raising children."
"What!?" Dean has to laugh quietly with this information.
"I swear, you go to his house right now and you'll find a shit ton of baby books on his desk instead of the usual old, dusty demonology shit. He's been trying to prepare me so that everything goes well and I don't fuck up the kid."
"Ok, I have no idea who that man is anymore."
"Neither do I!" Lizzy admits. "It's sweet and endearing as hell but I really don't want to discuss things like vaginal recuperation with him."
"What!?" Dean ask with disgust, not at all able to imagine Bobby speaking of such things.
"Oh, yeah. He already felt the need to warn me that sex after childbirth is a huge no-no as I will need proper time to heal. And because he knows just who you are so well this concerned him. He suggested that I might have to use other means to keep you satisfied until I was ready…."
"No! God, L! Stop!" Dean shouts into the phone. "I can taste the bile!"
"This is what I've been dealing with," she tells him. "It's only been a month that he's known and I'm ready to kill him."
"Wow," Dean shakes his head as shocked doesn't quite to justice to how he feels about this turn of events. Bobby? Really!? "You want me to talk to him?"
"No, no. That's nice of you but I can handle him." She huffs a quiet little laugh that he can just make out. "It's actually kinda nice to know someone out there cares this much, that we still have someone on our side."
"It is," Dean nods to himself, respecting Bobby's obvious love and concern. It'd be nice if Sam was on his side too.
"I may have made him promise that my sexual and reproductive anatomy is off the table as far as discussion topics go but I'm still willing to talk about anything else with him concerning the baby."
"Seems like a fair deal to me."
"I thought so," she responds, her voice sounding like she's smiling. "His biggest concern is my being alone, though. That's the one that really irks him."
"Bugs me, too." Dean hates that she's by herself all the time, always so far away from her family. It worries him that whatever could happen to her would happen when he's not there to protect her and their child.
"Not as much as it bugs Bobby!" she jests. "He told me he wanted me to move into his house for a while."
"He did?"
"Yeah. He thinks I should have someone with me and since you can't he suggested I move to Sioux Falls. I can save cash with free rent and everything and what house is more protected than his?"
"None…" Dean slowly answers, considering this extremely generous offer. "Plus he's in the middle of the country. It's always easier to get to him than it is to get to you out in the northeast."
"That's true. But my job is here, both of them."
"You're gonna still keep those jobs?" he questions with much surprise.
"Why wouldn't I?"
"You can't teach self-defense classes while knocked up! What if you get hit wrong?"
"Physical activity is a suggested thing for pregnant women," she calmly tries to comfort him. "Staying in shape is the best thing I can do right now. Plus, in my classes you don't actually hit people. It's not like when I spar with you or Sam."
"Ok, fine… but what about the bartending?" Dean asks her. "You gonna sling booze with a huge gut?"
"You know, Dean, you have a lovely way with words… and yeah. I am."
"That's a terrible idea," Dean tells her, not liking the mother of his child being around alcohol, college aged kids looking for a fight, staying up that late and getting hit on by sleazy people while pregnant.
"Hey, I'm good at the job and I need to make money! Kids are fucking expensive."
"You don't have to do that. We can figure it out…"
"Look, I'm not going to be doing it forever," she tries to calm his worries. "Once I hit a certain size I'll probably have to quit. No one wants a mother to be making their drinks anyways and by then I'll be too tired to kick ass. I got this."
"You're whole 'I am woman, hear me roar' shit gets old sometimes, you know that?"
"Get used to it."
"All I've done since I've met you is get used to it."
Lizzy laughs brightly with this comment. "I'm fine, Hot Shot. You know I'm Wonder Woman so everything will be just fine."
"Yeah…" Dean trails off, knowing that he'll never just assume anything is fine. He'll be worried every minute of every day for the rest of his life over his girl and his little one. That's just how it'll be. He wonders if all fathers are like that or if he's worse because of their situation.
"And if it's still bugging you the next time you come home then we'll discuss it again. Fair?"
"Fair," Dean answers, thinking it really is.
"How you holding up out there?" she questions him, clearly looking to change the subject.
"Still standing."
"And Sam?"
"Still psycho, but I'm helping manage him." He is. He's been trying his hardest to be Sam's moral compass since he found out about the soulless thing. Anything to keep Sam on track and sane until he can pop his soul into its rightful home is worthwhile in Dean's eyes.
"That's good to hear."
"Shit," Dean complains when he sees Sam stand up off the car and close his laptop. Whenever this version of his brother starts to move so abruptly then he knows it's time to get moving.
"What?" Lizzy wonders. Dean sees Sam give him an impatient look.
"Sam's getting antsy. I gotta go."
He hears the heavy sigh Lizzy lets out with that news. "Alright."
"Let me know what the doc says."
"Every word," she swears to him. "We love you, Daddy."
"You're so lame," Dean shakes his head with a huge grin.
"You love it."
"Yeah. I do."
He snaps his phone shut and pushes off the old fence on the side of the wide, flat country road.
"You ready?" Sam asks, his voice sharp and urgent when he sees Dean walking towards him.
"Dude, where's the fire?" Dean complains, heading for the Impala with a grimace.
"We're wasting time…"
"I was talking to Lizzy. That's not a waste of time." He pulls the keys out of his jacket.
"I guess not… unless another person disappears while we could have gotten there sooner if you weren't on the phone." Sam's blank and stern face just stares at him over the roof from the passenger side.
Dean drops his hands on the hood, looks up to the sky and takes a deep breath. Sam has no soul. He doesn't get what he's saying. It's not his fault. He's like a huge, violent child. Dean needs to remind himself of such things now and then so he doesn't just haul off and slug Sam for his irritating intensity.
"It was a quick phone call. No harm done. I'm just keeping tabs on my family."
"So family is more important than the people in danger?" Sam asks, brow furrowed with confusion.
"Generally," Dean tells him and opens the driver's side door.
"So you mean to say that a family member's life is more valuable than a stranger's?" Sam tries to logic.
"What!? No," Dean starts to explain but begins to falter. "Just because they have the same name as you doesn't mean their lives are more important than anyone else's…"
"Then what are you saying?" Sam pries stubbornly harder. "Because first you say family is number one and then you say the opposite. Which one is it?"
"Family is… I'm just… I'm, I'm trying to... fuck," Dean complains and shoves himself into the driver's side seat, yanking the door closed with a huge bang as he does.
Sam follows suit and very calmly takes his place in the passenger side. Once in, he waits a beat before looking over to Dean, instantly recognizing his annoyance.
"It was just a question, man," he assures the pissed man next to him.
"And you should be asking me these kinds of questions," Dean tells him with a sharp edge, knowing he'd rather this version of Sam ask moral questions and learn instead of go by what his empty heart tells him. "But some of them… they're not so easy to answer."
Sam nods his understands and keeps looking at Dean, wanting an answer.
"Family is the most important thing any person has," Dean tries his best to explain his point of view as he sees it. "Without that… there is nothing, so yeah… family members are more important than other people."
"So you're more important to me than the people we save?" Sam asks, his tone completely sincere in its curiosity.
"I should be, yeah… but you asking that makes me think I'm not," Dean sadly observes as he turns the key in the ignition, looking for the loud rumble of the engine to sooth him through the realization that Sam doesn't even see him as his own kin anymore.
"I'm just trying to get a handle on things."
"But the people out there, the people we help… they're lives aren't more valuable than mine or yours or L's or Bobby's. They aren't. And to them their family is more important to them then we are, even if we save their asses."
"So it's a perspective thing," Sam sums up.
"Exactly," Dean quickly says as he puts the car in drive and heads out onto the road.
They drive in silence for a moment before Sam lets out a quiet, "Huh."
The stab in the heart he has to endure every time they have conversations like this makes Dean need his Sammy back more and more each time.