Disclaimer: They're not mine, this is not for profit, please don't sue me, I just love the show.
Rating: PG to be safe, death issues and all.
Spoilers: IP:IA
Setting: Episode addition to IP:IA
Authors Notes: There is an angst warning attached to this fic. Recent RL events mean that the angst in this is somewhat potent you might say. Not suitable for the emotionally unstable, this is pure unedited angst; trust me, I wrote it! ;) Please R&R, if you are a writer you know what reviews mean to people and if you are a reader, know that they are just about the only thing that can bring a smile to your face on a grim Monday morning. Thanks to Minh as always, her encouragement keeps me writing :) By complete coincidence we have both written post IP:II fics at the same time. Hers is way better than mine though. Go check it out under her penname T'eyla Minh. Ok, enough rambling, on to the fic! :) Enjoy!
Dust to Dust
"Don't worry about me, I've never felt better"
Those words ring out in my mind, engraved there forever, set in stone… I will never forget them till my dying day… the final words of the man I love… the only man I have ever loved… the only man I will ever love.
He was brought to me by a twist of fate, and taken from me by a war he should never have been part of. It wasn't his battle... or his world; he shouldn't have been here, and shouldn't have died here.
My soul screams out: "No! No no no… don't you leave me, I can't live without you. I love you… isn't that enough for you to live...? I need you... how can I be more without you by my side...?"
But of course there is no answer… you will never answer me again.
Our time together has been so painfully short… three cycles is nothing. I had our lifetimes planned, so many things to say, so many things to do. Together. Hand in hand. With you there I could do anything… "Anything's possible," you said… and it was. Look at me, how I have changed from Peacekeeper to lover…
If someone had told me four cycles ago that I'd be here now… holding my dead lover, crying over your body as it grows cold in my arms. If someone had told me that I'd be crying for my loss, my pain, my sorrow, my missed opportunities… crying for my lost youth, my childhood, my parents, my friends… crying because I am alone again. Alone in this cold harsh world without my guide beside me... crying for the time snatched ruthlessly from us, crying for the past, the angry looks and words, the silences… crying for our future… now deemed never to be. If someone had told me all this four years ago, I wouldn't have believed them.
I sit for arns, holding you to me. Time ceases to exist, the outside world disappears, there is only you… Stark comes and leads me away, but I hardly notice, all I see is you… our life together playing before my eyes… trying to commit to memory every look, every laugh, every touch, every glance, every smile. Your smile, so young, so beautiful, so innocent… You shouldn't have died here… it wasn't your time, you were too young, too full of life. It's not right, you lived your life trying to do the right thing, you risked your life for me and our friends so many times… you looked for the good in people, you cared and loved with all your heart. You gave something of yourself to everyone, always helping, never asking for anything in return. You coped so well with life out here, you adapted, changed, but still, inside you were the same person. You brought out the best in me… you died so that others could live… you gave your life so that the universe would have a chance for peace.
"Earth to Earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust…" That's what you told me they said on your world when someone died. But there is no Earth here, and no ashes, and we will bury you in space, a place as alien to you as your world was to me… It's right and honourable for someone to be put to rest like this, but not for you… you didn't belong here, you deserved to find your home again, to see your Dad and your home, you missed everything you knew so much. You deserved to see it all again. But it wasn't to be, fate was cruel and now you will never go home.
~*~
I miss him already, only gone a few arns, and I miss his presence, his voice, his touch, his smell, his gentle manner, his soft smile… I miss his arms around me, guiding, supporting, holding, loving… I miss his laugh and the strange things he would say. I miss the way he could make me melt by just smiling at me. I miss the way he made me better by being here. I miss the way I felt when he was alive. I miss being held by him. I miss being loved by him.
I sit on the terrace, our favourite place, in the dark staring out at the stars… I am numb, I cannot cry any more. My eyes are dry and my heart is cold. Without him, I am empty, I feel nothing, I see nothing… I am nothing.