Krieger once again took off with the disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters. Well these guys had to do something while Archer is in Dreamland. Or Danger Island. Or wherever his brain takes him. So my brain is taking me here.
Return to Krieger's Korner
"Hello!" Krieger waved to the camera from his lab. "Dr. Krieger here! With a new episode of Krieger's Korner!"
"Despite appeals to never do this again," Ray remarked off screen. "We are."
"Here's my producer Ray," Krieger pointed and the camera focused on him for a moment. "And my lovely co-hosts Cheryl and Pam!"
"Boosh!" Cheryl cheered when the camera was on them.
"And ka-pow!" Pam added.
"The things I do to get a producer credit on my resume," Ray sighed.
"What exactly did you do to be a producer on a podcast?" Pam asked.
"He produced the alcohol at the craft table," Krieger pointed off camera.
"And the snack mix!" Ray added.
"Okay yeah that counts," Pam nodded.
"Duh!" Cheryl rolled her eyes.
"Okay Camera Bot turn back to me," Krieger ordered. The camera focused on him again. "I added a sentient personality chip to the camera recording this. Cool huh?"
"Until it turns on us," Cheryl said.
"Have you caught Archer's paranoia?" Pam asked.
"It's catching?" Cheryl gasped.
"Well, all his venereal diseases are so…" Ray snickered.
"Anyway, we here at Krieger's Korner are here to entertain as well as educate!" Krieger grinned.
"Translation," Cheryl sighed. "We need something to do until a certain somebody wakes up from Dreamland and gets off his ass!"
"You're going to see a lot of these," Pam nodded in agreement.
"Oh yeah," Cheryl nodded.
"Okay let's go into the segment I like to call Fun Science Facts!" Krieger grinned.
"And what everyone else calls useless time filler," Pam quipped. "Just keeping it real Bro."
"These are just fun little facts that will educate and make you think," Krieger said.
"They'll make you think about this group's education," Ray quipped. "Or lack of it."
"Let's get on with the first fact!" Krieger grinned. "Our brain cortex works at full capacity even when we are sound asleep."
"Well most of us," Pam looked at Cheryl. "Some people's brains don't work so well even when they are awake!"
"I know," Cheryl giggled as she pointed to Pam. "Right?"
"Brain cells react in six seconds to alcohol," Krieger went on.
"In some cases, faster or slower depending on how many are left," Ray remarked.
"It would explain why it's taking Archer so damn long to get out of his coma," Cheryl said.
"His brain cells are probably using the opportunity to grow back their numbers from extinction," Pam agreed.
"Continents split up at the same speed human fingernails grow," Krieger said.
"I hope not," Pam said. "Because my damn nails need to be trimmed almost every day! Seriously, if I don't keep them in check I get claws by the end of the week!"
"Seriously?" Cheryl asked.
"Sharp fast-growing nails are a Poovey family trait," Pam nodded. "My Grandma Poovey once went on vacation and forgot her nail files. When she got back her hands had claws like Wolverine."
"Moving on…" Krieger said.
"Damn things were as sharp as adamantium too," Pam went on. "She used to cut vegetables with them."
"Like your family ever ate a vegetable that wasn't fried," Cheryl scoffed.
"Scallops have a hundred eyes," Krieger added.
"And they still can't see their future as a main course coming," Ray remarked.
"Tomatoes have more genes than humans do," Krieger said.
"Since some people are dumber than plants…" Ray paused.
"Yeah that's not hard to figure out," Pam snorted. She whistled and pointed to Cheryl. Cheryl narrowed her eyes at her.
"Each human foot has 250,000 sweat glands," Krieger said.
"That explains the smell of a lot of people's socks," Ray winced.
"Including Pam's," Cheryl spoke up. "Then again considering the weight they have to carry…" Pam glared at her.
"Summer in Uranus in 42 years long," Krieger added.
Pam spoke up. "While spring in New England is forty-two minutes long!"
"Saturn can float in water," Krieger said.
"Big deal," Cheryl waved. "So can Pam."
"Seriously bitch?" Pam glared at her. "What's your problem?"
"We may need to devote an entire podcast to solve that equation," Ray quipped. "As well as a team of well trained psychiatrists."
"The Manchineel tree is so poisonous," Krieger said. "Even rainwater dripping off it will burn your skin."
"My great uncle Cornelius Ruben Tunt the explorer found this out the hard way," Cheryl nodded. "Believe it or not, not the first Tunt to be killed by a plant."
"I believe it," Ray remarked.
"Me too," Pam nodded.
"Russia is bigger than Pluto," Krieger said.
"Well duh!" Cheryl said. "Pluto's just one dog. Russia is a whole country. Of course, it's going to be bigger than him!"
"Not…" Ray sighed. "Never mind. Let's just keep going."
"Belly button lint can come from your underwear," Pam said. "Just another reason not to wear any!"
"Pam!" Krieger protested.
"What?" Pam snapped. "I know things too!"
"But enough about your love life," Cheryl quipped.
"Keep it up Neck Bird!" Pam snapped. "You won't have much of a life!"
"Women blink twice as much as men," Krieger said.
"That's because we can't believe half the stupid things you men say," Pam said.
"All that double taking when men say stupid stuff really raises the bar," Cheryl nodded.
"Also, not that much of a surprise that women use more words than men," Pam added.
"The way Lana goes on I believe that," Ray snickered.
"Technically the Earth is not a sphere," Krieger said. "It's a squashed sphere."
"The Earth is a squash?" Cheryl gasped.
"No potato brain!" Pam snapped. "A squashed sphere which means…What does it mean?"
"Does it mean the Earth is flat?" Cheryl asked.
"No, it doesn't!" Ray said.
"Are you sure?" Cheryl asked.
"Yes!" Pam and Ray said as one.
"As the Earth spins," Krieger explained. "Centrifugal force pushes outward. But since this force acts against the vertical line of the Earth's axis, which is tilted. The centrifugal force at the equator is imbalanced and spreads and water and earth outward. Like a small bulge or spare tire as you will."
"Like this!" Cheryl grabbed the folds of Pam's waist.
"Hey!" Pam snapped.
"Actually, Cheryl that is correct," Krieger nodded. "It's exactly like extra fat on Pam. Only on a much larger scale."
"Not that much larger," Cheryl snickered.
"One more time!" Pam snapped. "Make a crack about my weight one more time! See what happens! Spoiler alert! There's going to be an ass kicking!"
"TEASE!" Cheryl stuck out her tongue.
"Let's just get on with it," Ray sighed. "Please?"
"Lobster blood is blue," Krieger added.
"I didn't know lobsters were royalty," Cheryl said. "Huh. Learn something new every day."
"Did you know a medium sized cumulus cloud weighs the same as 80 elephants?" Krieger asked.
"Or Pam," Cheryl giggled.
"THAT'S IT!" Pam shouted. "I WARNED YOU! AAAAHHH!"
Pam tackled Cheryl and they started fighting. And ripping each other's clothes off.
"So much for educating the public," Ray groaned as the two men wisely got out of the line of fire.
"Maybe not. But it's sure entertaining!" Krieger grinned.
"AAAAHHHH!" Cheryl had gotten away and started running around the lab.
"RARRRRRRR!" Pam grabbed a chair and started chasing Cheryl around the lab.
Ray sighed. "We may need to rethink the format of this show."
SMASH!
Pam had whacked Cheryl hard with the chair. The chair broke and Cheryl went down.
Pam snarled. "Maybe if you had more meat on your scrawny bones, you could take a hit like a man? Poovey out!" She stormed away.
"Definitely need to rethink the format of this show," Ray sighed.
"No, no," Krieger said. "I think this works."
"Yeah as a demolition derby!" Ray groaned.