The Darth Maul
Summary: This is where Jedis buy their stuff. HAHAHAHAHA. This is written on a drug overload. A fic dedicated to Black's Phoenix. Please don't kick my ass.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Don't own. Blah, blah, blah. Warning: only funny if you are tripping on something or at least intoxicated.
An aged Ben Kenobi directed his charge, Luke Skywalker, to go to the outskirts of Tattoonie. With that in mind, he and Kenobi traverse the expanse of the desert on their sand riders.
"My young padawan," the old man told the Jedi in training "now we need to get you equipped. We are going to the Darth Maul."
The blond looked at the old man in his robe. "But I've been to all of the outskirts of Tattoonie and I have never heard of a Darth Maul."
The old Jedi looked at the Tattonie native and shook his head. "Trust me! It's there."
Within a few minutes, the master and his charge had made it to a giant edifice in the middle of the desert. "Welcome to the Darth Maul." Obi-wan greeted him.
"But that's not possible." Luke blanched. "There wasn't anything here before."
"You have to have directions to the place." The old man told him. "Otherwise you'll bypass it."
With that, Obi-wan led them into the Darth Maul, whose doors opened automatically as soon as the two of them stepped on the black strip.
Cool air blasted them as a familiar looking character came to greet them. He had a name tag that read Hello, My name is Qui-Gong. "Hello, my name is Qui-Gong Jinn and welcome to the Darth Maul."
Obi-wan nodded and went to aisle one of the Darth Maul. Luke, after looking at the greeter a bit too long, shook away his confusion and ran after the old man.
AISLE ONE: LIGHTSABERS AND LASERS
Obi-wan to the traditional Lightsabers section and picked out a blue Lightsaber hilt and a green one. Then the old man handed the one of them to Luke. "Is this a real Lightsaber?" He asked.
Before the old could answer, Luke saw something like an android with a respirator machine on his chest and a black helmet on his head with a black suit to match. The android tapped a salesman on the shoulder. "Excuse me." He rasped heavily, his words coming out at an even pace. "Do any of the lightsabers come in red?"
The salesman led him to a line which said force. On the other side of the Force Line, all of the lights were off and it was dark.
Luke turned to Ben Kenobi. "What was that all about?" The blond asked
"That is the dark side of the Force." The old man warned him. "Be very careful that you do not cross that line. For once you cross it, there is no turning back."
The black android thing came back from the dark side of the Force Line with a traditional red Lightsaber in hand.
"Ben, he came back from the dark side of the Force Line." Luke pointed out.
Without giving him an answer, the old hermit led the farm boy to the next aisle.
AISLE TWO: STORM TROOPER EQUIPMENT
In the second aisle of the Darth Maul, there was everything a storm trooper needed to be well-equipped for any situation, from battle equipment to computer trajectory correctors. There was a display with a bearded man giving a thumbs-up. The text in the display read: the brand Jango Fett trusts.
Luke tried to put on the outfit. However, for some reason, the suit was inches too big. He looked ridiculous. "This might come in handy some day." The blond mused to himself. "I wonder if this comes in a smaller size." Skywalker turned to his older companion. "Hey Ben, can you call over a service representative? I want to know if this comes in another size."
The old man looked at him incredulously. "Are you out of your mind? Those are storm troopers' equipment. They only come in one size. Have you not heard of the clone wars?" With great disdain, Kenobi shook his head. "You kids don't know anything."
AISLE THREE: ROBOTS
The aisle of robots was divided into two rows. One was dedicated to useless talking robots, the other to useful binary robots. There was a poster for one of the models for the UTRs was an android by the name of C-3PO. The poster read "Hey everybody! Do you want a robot that mimics fear or second-guesses your authority? Are you looking for a robot that walks like a one-year-old and talks with a British inflection? Are you looking for some comic relief? Then C-3PO is the robot for you." There were many robots like this C-3PO on the shelf and they were repeated marked down.
By contrast, there was no banner, no announcement under the BRs. And the shelves were nearly bare. There was a sign that said that the next time it will be restocked in two weeks.
Walking down the aisle, there was a bargain bin. Looking inside of the bin revealed a bunch of assorted robot parts, badly damage from extreme wear and tear. Luke picked up a robot head with the utmost of reverence. It was as if he was looking at a piece of history.
"You should know, Young Skywalker, that that in your hand is one of the robots that was used to fight in the Clone Wars." Ben told his young padawan. "It was at that moment that the Republic, before it became the Empire, knew that robots were vastly inferior to thinking, breathing 'miracles of science'." The old man ended his piece with quotation fingers. Oddly enough, the young Skywalker had nothing to say.
AISLE FOUR: EXTRAS
Digesting the title of the sign was difficult enough for the Jedi-to-be, but Luke Skywalker was unprepared for what he saw next. It was a whole host of creatures of different alien races. One of the creatures looked like some sort of fish creature with weird eyes. He talked in a really annoying manner.
"Me-sa, Jar Jar Binks. Me-sa your companion."
Next to him was group of short green aliens.
"We gonna get the Naboo. We gonna get the Naboo."
Behind them were a group of all sorts of creatures labeled sycophants.
"That's a great idea. You are brilliant." And so on…
There were so many that the twosome ran out of the aisle to escape the bombardment of yelling.
AISLE FIVE: VECHILES
There were many assorted vehicles at the Darth Maul. Many of them were star cruisers for traveling the galaxy. Between them were many lemons and good deals. One of the vehicles caught Luke's eyes. It was a magnificent starship and the creature hawking it, a giant slug eel thing, was drawing a huge crowd. Because the creature spoke a guttural alien language, there were multiple translators handy to relay the barker's jib.
"This right here is the Millennium Falcon. It is highly maneuverable under the direction of a skilled pilot. It can hit warp speed in seconds. And I am selling it very cheap because the original owner has defaulted on his payment.
While there were many impressive bids for the Falcon, the change on the creature's face didn't change to a point where he was excited for an offer. Perhaps he was still waiting for the right one, or maybe the previous owner was scrounging up some much to pay the thing back. But neither was important to the two as they made their way to the checkout line.
At the register was some sort of flying creature that looked like a cross between a hummingbird and a rejected Muppet. The name tag on the creature read Watto. Placing the lightsabers on the scanner to be rung up, the creature decided to comment on this.
"Hey, it's a guy trying to be a Jedi." He spoke in a condescending manner.
The price came to 4,000 dinerias. Kenobi discreetly waved his hand in the direction of the clerk. Credits will do fine.
"No, they won't." The clerk named Watto told him.
Credits will do fine.
"No, they won't. Just because you are buying a lightsaber and waving your hand, it doesn't make you a Jedi." With a click of his tongue or some other appendage that did the same task, the creature demanded his pay and the old man forked it over.
With the items in hand, Luke remembered what had just transpired. It was weird, but … I guess just weird.
The end!