Margaret's heart sank.
"A surgeon was killed at Battalion Aid," she heard one of the nurses say. "There's a chance it could be Hawkeye and BJ's freaking out."
BJ was freaking out? BJ's worried. I'm freaking out, she thought.
Now she was regretting their hurried goodbye. What if she didn't see him again?
But there were men waiting for triage and she didn't have time to reflect.
Margaret tried to calm BJ down as she helped him scrub.
"Those men probably left before Hawkeye arrived," she reassured him, not fooled by her own words.
"But what if they didn't?"
"Then we'll worry about it later. Right now we need to go put them back together."
"Of course," BJ sighed as he walked into the OR. Margaret took a deep breath and followed him inside.
Margaret began by assisting Charles. She knew BJ's nervous energy would just make things worse.
The word had gotten around that Hawkeye might be in immediate danger and the atmosphere was particularly tense. Charles was his usual focused, professional self, and his quiet confidence was reassuring. She assisted him on three or four patients until Col. Potter called her over to help with a complicated surgery. She was the best nurse and everyone knew it. Even Hawkeye, she thought. Margaret didn't get to be a major and head nurse just because she was beautiful.
But even the most complicated surgery couldn't distract her from her worries. That's not to say she wasn't focusing on her patient, but she was also anxiously awaiting any news Klinger may have heard from HQ about the situation at Battalion Aid.
BJ must've been thinking the same thing.
"Where the hell is Klinger?" she heard him ask.
"Keep your lid on Hunnicutt," Col. Potter admonished.
"How long could it take to make one lousy phone call?!"
"Klinger's got his hands full with this IRO crowd of casualties."
"There's nothing to be gained by expecting the worst," Margaret said angrily.
She was frustrated by his open concern and annoyed that she couldn't voice the same fears without attracting attention. Everyone knew Hawkeye and BJ were close, but she was super protective of how close she and Hawkeye were.
Klinger walked in. "Bad news. The phones are out at Battalion Aid. There's no way to reach him."
"Damn," BJ swore. "What's going on up there?"
"I did get through to I Corps. They say there's pretty heavy shelling in that sector."
Now, she was really scared. She remembered the last time they had been at the front together. At least then they were able to find comfort in each other. Hawkeye was there alone this time and she wondered if he was missing her as much as she missed him.
Fr. Mulcahy voice interrupted her thoughts. "Oh BJ, there's no reason to assume that the dead surgeon is Hawkeye," he said calmly.
"No reason to assume that it isn't," BJ snapped back.
"You've got to stop tearing your hair out about this. Nobody plans his own destiny. The best we can do is hit what's pitched," Col. Potter observed.
Margaret knew Col. Potter had a good point, but it still felt like he was offering empty advice. She was also surprised to realize how resentful she felt towards BJ. Of course, she would've been worried if he were up there instead, but then she'd be able to turn to Pierce for reassurance. I'm pretty certain BJ wouldn't exactly be willing to offer the same kind of comfort, she thought ruefully.
Margaret's mind wandered back to earlier that morning. She had walked out of her tent to find Pierce jumping in a jeep about to leave. She knew it was silly, but she had a nagging feeling that she should say goodbye this time.
"Going AWOL, Pierce?" she joked.
He smiled. "Why Margaret, I'm disappointed in you. How could you even think such a thing?'
His voice turned serious as he told her that he was headed up to Battalion Aid.
"I thought it was BJ's turn to go."
"It technically is, but they needed someone right away and can't wait for him to get back."
Margaret suddenly had a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach. "Well, come back safely. This place would be boring without you."
Hawkeye gave her a soft smile. Emboldened by her concern and kind words, he leaned over and gave her a quick goodbye kiss on the cheek. He looked around to make sure he had everything he needed and started to pull away. Margaret gave him a soft wave goodbye as he left.
Margaret was pulled back to the present by a clang on the floor. She realized in shame that she had dropped an instrument.
"Major?" Col. Potter looked at her, surprised. "Are you ok? You seemed lost and I've never known you to be distracted in OR."
"I'm sorry, sir."
Margaret picked up the tool and brought it over to be sterilized. Then she went back and took her place beside the colonel once again. She resolved to focus solely on the surgery and push all thoughts of Hawkeye to the side.
Patients came and went as she continued assisting Col. Potter for the next few hours. The deluge was nowhere near over when Potter insisted she take a short break.
Margaret went back to her tent and nearly passed out from exhaustion, but knew sleep was far away. She knew they could only spare her for about 15 minutes, so she sat at her desk and started to write.
The news about Hawkeye had triggered a fear in her heart. She wasn't used to this kind of emotion. She had been afraid many times during the war, but it was always for herself. Now she felt fear for a different person. In some crazy way she felt connected and almost felt his fear too. She knew that she was safe, but Hawkeye was in immediate danger and there was nothing she could do. She had no way of comforting him or taking care of him and it made her feel useless.
Stop it! She told herself. Self pity is useless. There were at least 30 more wounded boys out there that she could help save. But not the one she wanted to most.
That feeling of fear crept up on her again and she tried to push it away by focusing on a happy moment from a few days ago. She knew she could only stay away a few more minutes, but she had the sudden urge to record it in her journal.