Title:The Ordinary Prince, Chapter One.
Author:Fenchurch
Characters:Rodney/John (I suppose Elizabeth/Woolsey, but that's not important)
Rating:Fairy tale so PG, except that these are two guys!
Warning:See above…
Disclaimer:I own a copy of The Ordinary Princess, but I don't own the characters or the plot or anything else to do with it. I similarly own various sets of the Stargate Atlantis DVDs, but not the etc etc… mind you, if no one else wants them…
This is based on my favourite childhood book The Ordinary Princess by M M Kaye.
When Prince Meredith Rodney Ingram McKay is christened he is given a strange gift – the gift of being Ordinary. Large chunks are lifted indirectly from the book.
Elizabeth Weir and Richard Woolsey are not quite in character – I think of it as Elizabeth and Woolsey playing those parts… like actors.
***
With bated breath, the people of Canadia waited and counted the canon blasts.
…one…two…three…four…
"Why?" asked a tourist.
"If it's ten then it's a Princess, but it it's eleven then it's a Prince. It'll be a Prince."
…seven…eight…nine…
"How do you know?"
"It always is," came the answer.
…ten…ELEVEN…it's a Prince!
"How did you know?" the hapless tourist asked.
"The first child is always a Princess who will rule as Queen eventually and Princess Jeannie was born two years ago. The second is always a Prince who will marry a King or a Queen. That's how it always is in Canadia!"
"Oh how wonderful it must be to be a Prince," the girls sighed, imagining the golden palace, the fantastic playroom, the food, the clothes, the beautiful life.
****
"I say it's Rash!" Prince Consort Richard exclaimed.
"Yes, I know dear," Queen Elizabeth sighed. "We heard you the first twenty-three times."
"Look what happened to my Grandmother Beauty!"
"But the whole spinning wheel and sleeping thing happened because they didn't invite all the Ancients. We shall not make the same mistake."
"It doesn't matter how careful you are, you'll always miss one out." The Prince Consort frowned and flipped over a folder.
"I am in charge of the invitations," Chamberlain Teyla intervened softly. "I shall make sure that not one Ancient is missed."
"And I'll beat up anyone who dares try anything," General Ronon offered.
"Yes, fine," Richard agreed warily.
"Well, I am the Queen and I shall decide," Queen Elizabeth announced. "We shall invite all the Ancients, and they will all be little Meredith's godparents."
"Well, I still say it's RASH!"
"Yes dear."
***
The day of the christening arrived and everyone was decked out in their best clothes. Jewels glinted in the sun, clothes rustled as the courtiers moved around, chatting and eating. The Princess Jeannie danced and played like the perfect Princess she was, while Prince Meredith lay in his cot, beaming and grinning happily at anyone who peered into the bed.
He really was a perfect little angel, his blond curls bounced as he giggled and played with his own feet and he never made a fuss, never demanded anything and always behaved, even when he was being passed around and cooed at by every adult in the palace.
The palace cooks had created a banquet to feed not only the palace and the guests, but also the populace. Cakes, pastries, pies, jellies, puffs, creams and donuts graced the laden tables. The best pastry chefs in the land had created a cake seven tiers high, decorated with sugar roses, dragons, ships, bells and little teddy bears to celebrate the christening and the gardeners had brought the best and most beautiful blooms to decorate and waft gentle fragrances around the palace.
After the ceremony, during which the little Prince had been quiet and cute, the Prince's name was announced to the people.
"People of Canadia," the Royal Herald Chuck Campbell called from the balcony. "Welcome Prince Meredith Rodney Ingram McKay!" and the people cheered and shouted and four hundred and ninety-nine doves were released in celebration (one refused to come out of the nice, comfortable basket).
The guests began to file past the little Prince, leaving gifts for him and cooing over his perfect little features. They touched him and prodded him, ran their hands through his curls and generally adored the little Prince.
Finally the Godparents began to arrive through a magic portal known as the Stargate. A path was laid out for them and they approached the cot.
There was silence as everyone waited to hear what gifts they would offer the baby Prince.
The first gave Wit, the second gave Courage, the third gave Intelligence to surpass all others, the fourth gave Confidence, the fifth gave Musical Talent and so on.
Queen Elizabeth was ecstatic and kept nudging the sulking Prince Consort, reminding him that it had been her idea to have the Ancients as Godparents, but Prince Richard just grumped and muttered that the day wasn't over yet.
Suddenly there was a loud crack and the doors of the banqueting hall burst open to reveal a small figure with wild hair and glasses, gesticulating with his arms and hands flying as he strode up the hall. He was obviously furious and was muttering in some weird language.
"Told you so," the Prince muttered as the Queen rose to greet this most important of Godparents.
"Radek Zelenka!" The Queen caught the flying hands and beamed in pleasure. "You made it!"
"No thanks to the ridiculous system you call Traffic Management!" the Ancient snarled in accented Canadian.
"I was expecting you to arrive through the Stargate," the Queen placated.
"I didn't!" Radek snapped. "I don't like gate travel. I have never liked gate travel. Now, where's the brat?"
"Um… over here." The Queen led Radek by the hand to the cot where the Prince was watching the proceedings.
Everyone waited in silence to see what would happen. Radek had been invited, so hopefully it wouldn't be anything too awful, but he was obviously in a mood…
The grumpy Ancient took the list of gifts the others had already given and scanned them, nodding or huffing at each one.
"Hm.. Wit, Charm, Courage, Health, Wisdom… oh well, Intelligence, that is good… but the others… well, thank goodness my gift is stronger than any of theirs! I am going to give you a gift that will bring you more happiness than all of these gifts… Charm… huh! Good skin? Ridiculous! I am giving you a far greater gift. You shall be ORDINARY!"
There was a dramatic flash and a crack of unseasonal lightning and Radek turned on his heel and strode out of the room.
For a full two minutes there was shocked silence and it was broken by King Richard who spluttered.
"I TOLD YOU IT WAS RASH!"
After that the scene disintegrated into a free-for-all of shouting and screaming. The Queen wept, the King repeated again and again that he had told everyone it was a bad idea and that it had been RASH, Teyla tried to calm everyone, but was soon reduced to threatening people with her sticks and Ronon offered to chase after Radek and force him to take the gift away.
Then Prince Meredith decided that he had had a trying day, he had been patient and calm while people had prodded him and poked him, the scent from the flowers was bothering him and he did what any ordinary baby would do under the circumstances. He balled up his fists, opened his mouth as wide as possible and screamed and wailed.
The Queen was beside herself. "It's started already! He's become Ordinary!"
The Prince Consort repeated that it was RASH.
Teyla went to fetch her sticks and Ronon ran off to find Radek Zelenka but Prince Meredith carried on screaming and wailing, going purple in the face and kicking his little legs until his Royal Nursemaid picked him up and whisked him off to the Royal Nursery where they could all still hear his tantrum.
****
Long sunny days drifted by in the Kingdom of Canadia and with every passing year Radek Zelenka's gift became more noticeable.
No one ever called him by his grand name anymore. The people called him The Ordinary Prince and his family called him Mer. As he grew older, the perfect Prince became less perfect. His hair stopped curling perfectly and began to wave instead and it turned darker until it was really… well… mouse. His mouth, which had been balanced and beautiful, turned down on one side and his temper started showing itself.
Princess Jeannie, of course, was pretty and perfect with golden curls that framed her beautiful face exactly as a Princess' hair should, but not all the curl-papers in the world could make Mer's hair curl.
The Queen was determined to try and hide it, but the Prince was just an Ordinary kid. She hired dancing masters and posture experts from around the galaxy but Mer still hunched over and hated all sports. She tried to instil manners and polite behaviour into her son but Mer carried on berating idiots and saying whatever came into his head, often rubbing people up the wrong way.
They even tried gadgets and gismos left behind by the Ancients to help them, but none of them could remove a single freckle on the Prince's face.
Actually, Mer had benefitted from the other gifts given to him at the christening. The gold and jewels looked rather silly on him, especially when the Queen piled them on him in an attempt to hide the real boy underneath, but the Ancients' gifts were still in force.
He was mostly cheerful and had a good complexion. He was compassionate, especially to the unfortunate, often escaping from the palace to take food, medicines and money to those in need. He was vastly intelligent, showing so much aptitude for Math, Science, Languages and anything else that required cleverness, but he hated having to move anywhere, especially for the dubious pleasures of keeping fit.
He was charming, in his own, slightly abrasive way. He was pretty much left to himself, unless his mother went into one of her 'let's try and make Mer look like a Prince' phases, and so he was often alone. He liked Teyla and Ronon, but they would often try and make him learn to fight, to ride and to do all the stuff that chivalrous nobles were supposed to learn, so he usually escaped into the town or, most often, down to the dungeons where the labs were housed.
Mer's best friend was Dr Carson Beckett. He was the Court Physician and had become Mer's tutor, although if he was honest, Carson would probably have agreed that he learned as much from the Prince as he taught. He would never say that to the Prince though. Mer could be insufferable when he was proved right and adjectives such as 'arrogant' and 'smug' would have seemed appropriate, had the boy not been a Prince.
However, Carson could see under the rude exterior and understood that underneath there was a boy who was lonely and unable to please his parents.
The Prince tried hard to be pleasant and polite, Princely and perfect, but he always ended up tripping over the heavy garments, or saying exactly the wrong thing at the wrong time, and then he would see his mother's brow creasing and his father's face settle into a sulk and he would know that he had done it again.
Sometimes he wished that he could be a proper Royal child like his sister, that he could charm people with his grace and win the love of his parents and approval of the court, but then he would remember that he always had more fun in the labs than Jeannie ever could, that he met the real people and was able to help them and that he didn't have to just sit around looking pretty as Jeannie did.
Jeannie would learn to sew and sing, to rule wisely by listening to her courtiers and always to be attentive and polite.
Mer got to blow stuff up, which was much more fun.
Jeannie was always surrounded by courtiers, nobles, servants and pages who would bow to her and accede to her every wish.
Mer was either alone or with Carson and didn't have to bother with people too much. He could nip down to the kitchen if he was hungry and dress himself in comfortable clothes instead of having to wait around for people to help him.
No one ever had to ask where the Princess Jeannie was as she was always where she was supposed to be and guarded by soldiers in silly uniforms.
Every now and again someone would remember that there was a Prince too and they would ask 'Where is The Ordinary Prince?' and the answer would always be 'Oh somewhere about. Don't worry, he'll be back for tea.'
***
Finally the day of the wedding of Princess Jeannie arrived. She was marrying a Prince from the neighbouring country of Americana who had been chosen because he was wise and good and the second son of the King and Queen.
Prince Kaleb was handsome and gallant and Mer hated him on sight.
As Mer walked down the aisle, following his sister in her silk brocade dress, sewn with hundreds and hundreds of pearls and diamonds, he tried not to fidget and scratch at the itchy lace around his neck. His clothes were stiff and uncomfortable and he couldn't help hearing people comparing him to his sister.
They said things like 'Oh the Princess looks superb, but the Ordinary Prince is really nothing much to look at' or 'They'll have fun trying to marry him off!'
As soon as he could, Mer grabbed a plate of food and ran off to the labs where he was working on a new kind of light bulb.
"Your Highness!"
Mer turned around in shock and found himself face to face with a very flustered Carson.
"Where the hell have you been? Didnae ye know they're all looking for ye?"
"Oh yes, of course, I had forgotten how dreadfully important I am to my Royal parents. They can't manage without me!" Mer turned back to his simulation.
"Well, Teyla did ask where you'd got to," Carson told him, not quite acknowledging that Mer was right.
"I'm right here, where I can nearly always be found."
"Perhaps if you behaved more like a Prince, you would be more significant to the court?"
"I do not wish to be more significant to the court!" Mer imitated his friend's Scottish accent. "I wish to be left alone."
"You're afraid, aren't you?"
"What?"
"Ye heard."
"I'm not afraid. The Ancients gave me 'courage' as a christening gift!"
"You're afraid that you won't be at a wedding of your own."
"Why in God's name do you think I'd ever want to be married?" Mer was indignant. "I would hate to have a simpering wife who panics if she breaks a nail, or a bear of a husband who will want me to sit around all day and back him up over everything." Mer started snapping his fingers in agitation. "I don't want to be a consort to anyone! I would have to give up experiments and science, I would never be able to go out into the world and talk to real people and I would be so bored all the time. I'm far too intelligent for any of those moronic Princes and idiot Princesses, why would I want to be married to one?"
"Because you might be accepted and you might find companionship?" Carson suggested softly.
"Oh you've got to be kidding!" the Prince retorted. "Well, I'm tired, I've got a headache, my eyes are all swollen from the pollen from those wretched flowers and I'm going to bed."
Carson watched his Prince go and reflected that Mer's exit had been very… Princely.
***
Actually, as it turned out, there was no real reason for Mer to be worried about marriage to anyone, as no one offered.
Princes and Princesses came from all around to 'pay a friendly visit', as Canadia always produced superb royalty and the Prince must surely be a gem, but they'd all take one look at Mer and back away remembering that they had to visit Aunt Flo who was sick, or that they had urgent Dentist appointments. They would promise to come back soon and visit properly, then they would leave and never come back.
Mer was quite happy that the 'Stuffed Shirts' never asked him to marry them. He would have had to decline and then his parents would have been really mad. He would just pull off the fine garments and jewels that his mother made him wear and then get stuck into another experiment. Only Carson noticed that his experiments tended to be a little more explosive than usual after a State Visit.
The Queen was vexed. She had tried everything, but it seemed that Prince Meredith was destined to remain a bachelor. It was very bad for diplomatic relations and also for Canadia, who relied on the reputation of their Royals when trading.
So the Queen decided that the wise thing to do was to call for an Extraordinary Meeting of the Principal Ministers to discuss the Matter of the Marriage of Prince Meredith.
Fifteen important men and women sat around the council table and watched warily as the Prince Consort outlined what the meeting was to be about.
"And so we have called you here today to discuss a solution to the problem," the Prince read, then he put down the file and added. "Twenty years ago I said that it was rash to invite Ancients and I was right. It was RASH!"
"Richard, dear, please don't say that word again or I may have to have your head chopped off." The Queen rubbed her temples to soothe the approaching headache.
There was a silence that was broken by the Queen.
"Well? Has no one any ideas?"
The silence became gloomy.
"There has never been an unmarried son or daughter of Canadia in all the Annals of the country and we will not start now!" The Queen insisted. "There must be something we can do."
"There has never been a Prince quite like Mer… um… Meredith," Teyla opined.
"I asked for ideas, not criticism!" The Queen snapped.
"The Queen in right," Prince Richard added. "No Princess or Prince of this house has ever failed to make a brilliant marriage and Mer… Meredith will be no exception. He may be ordinary, but he has his good points too."
"Such as?" The Queen asked dangerously.
"He's bright" Ronon grunted. "He made me a really cool gun that can…"
"Yes, yes, yes," the Prince interrupted. "No one disputes his genius… not twice anyway, but I don't think that offering a gunsmith as a consort is the way forward."
"I'd take him," Ronon grinned.
"Well, you're not a Prince, Ronon," the King argued. "Although if we can't get rid of him in any other way, we'll get back to you."
"No!" the Queen snapped, then she softened her tone with exaggerated patience. "My son will marry a King or a Queen… or possibly a rich Duke… the point is that he will make a good marriage and I want ideas from you lot!"
"Well…" a voice was heard and they all turned to look at the Minister for National Security.
"Go on Minister Bates," the Queen encouraged.
"We could ask the Wraith…"
"I beg your pardon?" The Queen demanded. "I hope you're not suggesting that we feed my son to the Wraith. I know they have Queens, but I don't want to get rid of him like that!"
"No!" Minister Bates hastily protested. "I only meant… well, we could ask a Wraith to threaten the lives of the villages about the tower of Pegasus. We could then imprison the Prince in the tower and get the Wraith to guard it. Then we send out a proclamation that any Prince or Princess who slays the Wraith gets to marry the Prince."
"You know…" The Queen said slowly. "He may be onto something there. I'm not happy about inviting any Wraith into our land…"
"We could ask Todd." Minister Caldwell suggested. "He'd do it and he wouldn't have to kill anyone."
"If we kept Mer out of sight until it was all over…" The Queen carried on slowly. "I'm sure that it's the kind of challenge that most Princes and Princesses would rise to and then, when they've killed the Wraith… we'd have to get Todd to pretend or something… they would be obliged to marry him!" She beamed. "Do you know, I think it might work! By the time they see Mer… er Meredith, they won't be able to back out! They would have to marry him!"
"What about Apollo?" Teyla asked, her face showing a little less enthusiasm for the scheme than the Queen would like.
"What?"
"The Grand Duke Ellis of Apollo is 'dropping in for tea' tomorrow," Teyla reminded them.
"Oh we know how that will go." The King made an un-Kingly 'tcha' noise. "He'll turn up, announce that he's here 'for tea', he'll see Mer and then remember that he promised to pick up a special gift that only he can get for his mother. We won't even have time to pour the tea."
"I don't suppose we could say that Meredith is unwell?" The Queen suggested. "He may even ask for his hand… sight unseen."
"I believe that the Grand Duke would merely extend his visit until he had seen the Prince," Teyla opined. "And our staff are unused to prolonged State Visits now."
"No, you're right," The Queen sighed. "Fine. Minister Bates , perhaps you would be good enough to see to the matter of the Wraith? Jennifer, would you draw up a proclamation? Ronon, you see to the security and the setting up of Pegasus Tower. We don't want Mer to be uncomfortable do we? And Carson? Perhaps you could see to setting up a good laboratory for him? He may as well spend his time usefully. Perhaps he could make some more of those guns."
"Your Majesty… is this really the way…?"
"Yes Teyla, it is." The Queen proclaimed and the Councillors scattered.