ok my internet is being a lame piece of shizzang so i have been forced to find another way to entertain myself.

This involves writing a total crackfic that isn't really about anything...

I thought you might enjoy it

(i hope you dooo)

Ash

--

Jordan stood outside his master's chamber, awaiting his command.

He wanted to enter but he wasn't sure what Tempas would say, was coming into his chamber a bit too forward?

Would Tempas go for a guy like him?

He knew that there was a lot of other "personal slaves" (wink wink) that had a thing for Tempas, but honestly who wouldn't?

He was the sexiest thing since sliced bread.

And sliced bread is pretty darn sexy.

Well at least Jordan thought so.

But he wasn't what you'd call an average kid.

Example:

ONE OF JORDANS FRIENDS: hey Jordan, wanna go do some mindless repetitive task?

JORDAN: what did you have in mind?

ONE OF JORDANS FRIENDS: I dunno, football, soccer, hide and go seek?

JORDAN: aah no thanks...

ONE OF JORDANS FRIENDS: but don't you wanna become a professional AFL (1) player when you're older, like every other boy

JORDAN: no, I wanna become a busker!

Jordan sighed at the memory, three years ago and he still hadn't achieved his goal.

Instead he was in the underworld being a personal slave to a hot stud.

Actually that sounds better than being dirty, spat on and half starved all the time...

Jordan thought for a moment and then examined himself

Actually it's about the same, except I'm not allowed to play my ukulele

Tempas absolutely forbade the use of any stringed instruments; sadly this included Jordan's famed ukulele. Which Tempas had torn apart the moment Jordan entered his care.

Jordan's reminiscing was interrupted when another of Tempas' "personal slaves" (wink wink) opened the door he had been standing in front of for the last ten minutes.

Or so he thought.

'Jordan!' barked Tempas 'what the hell were you doing out there? I've been calling you to enter for the last five hours!'

'Five hours?'

'Ok so maybe it was more like twenty minutes but... DONT ANSWER BACK!'

'Yes sir, sorry sir'

'Better, now you said you had news for me?'

Jordan cleared his throat, this was it!

'We have located the one you were looking for' he said proudly

Tempas stared at him, his face slowly changing for angry to hopeful.

'You have? You've finally found Wally?'

'Uuh no... We found the alchemist'

Tempas looked confused

'The who now?'

'The alchemist' Jordan repeated 'the full metal alchemist?'

Tempas' face didn't show any understanding.

'Uuh yes, of course' he said 'remind me why we were looking for him again?'

'Because he's the chosen one who is about to...'

He was cut off by Tempas

'Oh yes of course, I think we all know who he is. No need to explain'

'Of course sire, would you like me to follow him?'

'Excuse me, but I will call the shots here!' said Tempas angrily. 'Follow him around!'

Jordan forced a smile, Tempas was cute. But he was also a pompous jerk and he wanted to wring his neck ever time he opened his mouth.

But he was bigger than Jordan.

And he had magical powers.

And he was cute.

'Shall I leave now?' he asked

'Of course, but take this first'

Tempas threw a bag of "magic pixie dust" (wink wink) at Jordan.

'Uuh what is it?'

'The best thing since sliced bread!' said Tempas.

Jordan immediately went into his favourite fantasy, the one where he was ruler of the entire planet and Tempas was his queen and they enjoyed using sliced bread to... well I probably don't need to go on any further.

You can just use your imagination.

But I will tell you one thing, Jordan is a kinky son of a yaoi

Jordan was snapped out of his fantasy when he felt a bolt of magic hit him.

Jordan looked up with a questioning look and Tempas just looked bored.

'You went into a dream state, you have been for the last five hours so I decided to give you a bolt of magic to wake you up'

'Oh...'

'It shouldn't be a problem, although you might end up with a few horrifying nightmares and chronic diarrhoea.'

Jordan didn't much like the sound of that...

'And you might also have a few magical powers now'

Jordan's ears pricked up.

Magic you say?

'What kind?' he asked slyly

'Oh maybe the power to control time for a small amount of time, it will wear off. Which is actually quite ironic seeing as you could probably use the powers to reverse time to when you got them so that you got more and made the time longer.' Tempas said boredly 'anyways I'm sick of looking at you. Go tag this "chosen one" the "full metal alchemist" as you say.'

'He has a name' Jordan said absent mindedly

'Oh really, and what would that be?' Tempas seemed genuinely interested.

'Edward Spool' said Jordan

'Edward Spool? Is that seriously his name?'

'No actually its Edward Elric...'

Tempas' face would have been like this at that moment:

Then it slowly changed to this: .

Ok that didn't look all that angry.

But trust me

He was angry

And not just angry, see I bolded it.

That implies emphasis

So anyways Jordan realized he was an idiot and got out of there.

Fast

Actually what I mean is, Jordan got out of there. Fast.

'gottagocatchalaterbyebyebyexxx' he said very fast.

Yes even the 'x's

He then laughed coz it sounded like he had said a dirty word.

And he was very immature.

--

Meanwhile back on earth (ok the fma world)(mega cool world) in Ed and Al's place (I am aware that they don't have a house but for my sake let's just pretend that they do)

When Ed woke up there was a cat sleeping on his head.

He chucked the cat the other side of the room, it landed with as thud

Ed liked the noise almost as much as he liked hurting things that are smaller than he is (there isn't many things that are). It made him feel like a big man.

Ed looked at the date on his little calendar, Thursday October 16th. Then he got up from his bed and immediately tripped on a cat that was currently sleeping next to his bed.

He went from there to bashing into the cupboard, then fell back onto the bed.

The cat from the floor immediately started to attack his real leg until he turned his auto mail arm into a mass sword and stabbed the shizztic out of it.

Meanwhile back in the kitchen, Al's someone-is-stabbing-the-shizztic-out-of-one-of-my-kitties senses were tingling, so he ran over to where Ed's room was situated and swung the door open.

When he walked into the room the first thing he noticed was that one of his beloved cats had been chucked against the wall.

Then he noticed Ed lying on the bed, writhing in agony, covered in blood.

He walked slowly over to Ed and appeared to be worried about his brother, then he noticed the other cat that was currently lying in a mass pool of blood with a few knife wounds.

'ED! WHAT THE YAOI DID YOU DO TO FLUFFY McKITTERSONS??'

Ed just stared blankly at him.

'Al, you have no idea how many things about that sentence were just wrong. First of all, you actually named that thing? It's a rodent Al... Second of all, Fluffy McKittersons? You're just asking for him to get bashed at cat school. And last but by no means least, what the yaoi? What the yaoi is yaoi?'

Al looked thoughtful.

'I don't know, maybe we should look it up?'

Ed didn't know why but he suddenly got the feeling that this was a very bad idea.

As in a really bad idea.

'I don't think that's a good idea Al...' he said

'Nonsense!' said Al, who had just opened up a laptop that randomly just appeared in his hands.

Ed stared at it

'Al, where did you get that from?'

'I stole it from some computer shop, it's a few blocks away. Why do you want one?'

'No I mean where did you get it from just now, a second ago you didn't have it... also i wouldn't mind one. Do they come in sunshine yellow?'

Al stared at him with a hard expression.

Well since he was a suit of armour I guess he always has a hard expression.

But try if you can (you won't be any less of a man if you can't) to imagine an even harder expression than that.

Yes harder.

That's right, it does sound sexual.

Anyways, back to the story.

Al stared with a stony face (pardon my pun) at Ed for a few minutes before saying:

'Do you really want to know?'

'Well I wouldn't have asked if I didn't...' said Ed, not catching on

So Al stared at him with a harder expression, and moved closer to add dramatic effect.

'Really?' he asked

'Yes...' said Ed slowly.

Al moved even closer, he was now so close that he could practically feel Ed's breath on his face.

That is, if he could feel anything.

Which he couldn't

Because he's a suit of armour and all.

But you get the idea.

'Do you really wanna know?' he asked in a deathly whisper.

Ed was actually a little scared by this, so (worried that al might come even closer) he shook his head hastily.

Al's expression changed instantly back to normal and he returned to the mysterious laptop (that Ed vowed he would never touch) and continued typing away happily.

'No I don't think it does come in sunshine yellow, it comes in flamingo pink though' he said, like nothing has happened

'Oh, what colour is that one?'

'This is Ruby red'

'It's nice'

'Yeah but don't get the same colour as me, that just isn't cool. And you wouldn't want to be un-cool now would you?' he asked with that same stony expression as before.

'No definitely not...' Ed said quickly.

'Good' Al said and returned to the laptop

Ed sighed in relief, and then decided to turn on the TV.

There was an old rerun of some anime show.

He couldn't remember the name but it involved some buskers who lived in some village in some country.

'Im gonna become the next buskerleaderguy if it takes me forever! Listen to it!' said the most annoying character on the show, Ed couldn't remember his name but he had blonde spiky hair and was probably sleeping with the emo guy.

Why the heck would someone want to be a busker? Thought Ed

A million miles away in wherever-the-yaoi-he-likes-to-hang-out (if-you-know-what-I-mean) (wink-wink) Jordan randomly had the urge to punch Ed when he finally met him.

'As if you could dobe' smirked the emo guy in the show 'Betcha you couldn't beat me in a busk off'

'Betcha I could!' said the annoying one

'Come on guys! Stop fighting!' said the even more annoying chick with pink hair.

But sadly Ed never got to see how this fight panned out because at that exact moment he heard a sharp intake of breath from Al.

Which just makes you think, he's a suit of armour so does he actually need to breathe?

Anyways back on topic here...

Al took a sharp intake of breath (guess what he just found...) and Ed wondered what it was.

'What's up bro?' he got up to have a look but Al shut the laptop quickly.

'I don't think you wanna see this Aniki...' said Al

Ed was puzzled to say the least.

'Who or what the yaoi is Aniki? And what did you see?' He asked

'Oh nothing brother, don't worry...'

'Uuh ok bro but...' just then Ed noticed the time.

'9:46?? WHAT THE YAOI AL! YOU WERE SUPOSED TO WARN ME! I HAVE A MEETING WITH COLONEL MUSTANG IN LIKE...' he counted on his fingers 'FOURTEEN MINUTES!'

Yes he has fourteen fingers.

He got Winry to add 4 more to his auto mail arm.

You never know when fourteen fingers are gonna come in handy

He quickly ran out the door before Al could say another word.

'But Brother!' Al said 'you haven't gotten dressed yet...'

--

Meanwhile back at HQ Riza was having a deep conversation with a wall.

'So did you hear that Hues was gonna bash up Roy?' she asked it.

Ed chose that moment to run in wildly, and was stopped in his tracks when he happened to catch what she said.

'He is?' he asked, totally forgetting that he had a meeting to get to.

'yeah apparently, but I don't think he will. Wanna put a bet on it?'

'Uuh no thanks I have a meeting to get...'

He was cut off by Mustang flying out of his office, followed by Hues. Who was trying to bash the shizztic out of him.

'TEACH YOU TO TRY AND MOLEST ELISIA!' he screamed.

'WHAT THE YAOI ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! I DIDNT YAOIING TOUCH YOUR DAUGHTER YOU YAOIING PSYCHO!'

'YOU'RE GOING DOWN OLD CAR THAT IS ACTUALLY QUITE COOL!'

Mustang stood up and brushed himself down, it was a full five minutes before he got into a fighting stance.

'You are the one who is going down' he said

'You'll be so embarrassed, you'll wish you'd never come to work today!'

'You are the one who is going to be embarrassed and wish you hadn't come to work today!'

'Guess I would've lost that bet...' said Riza

Ed decided to keep that in mind, might come in handy later on.

Hues ran straight at Roy in a mad fit of rage, Roy snapped his fingers and suddenly the whole room was full of fire.

Everyone died instantly.

Yes I'm not kidding.

...

Ok so maybe I lied a little bit.

Not everyone died.

Two people were left standing.

One was Roy

'Oh shizztic!' he said 'used a little too mush juice I guess. SORRY EVERYONE!'

The other was Jordan, who had just appeared and realized that he had failed his mission.

Oh no! He thought if I fail then I will never accomplish my dream of being a busker!

He decided to sit and be emo, since all his dreams were over now anyway.

We searched the room for something sharp that could be used but then had a great idea.

I have magic now don't I? The power to control time! Why don't i just use it to make time go back a few minutes, then I can stop them from even fighting! Then Ed will be alive and my future plans will be safe! But how do I do this? He wondered wait! What does Tempas do?

Then he remembered so he decided to copy that.

He clapped his hands three times, spun around in a circle and broke into a rousing chorus of 'the longest time'

But as he wasn't a professional he didn't make time go back to the where he wanted it to, instead the day reset itself and it was Thursday morning.

Again.

--

When Ed woke up there was a cat sleeping on his head.

He chucked the cat the other side of the room, it landed with as thud

Ed liked the noise almost as much as he liked hurting things that are smaller than he is (there isn't many things that are). It made him feel like a big man. (Woah de-ja-vu... )

Ed looked at the date on his little calendar, Thursday October 16th.

What the yaoi?

--

(1) Australian Rules Football for those who aren't of this world... (i.e not Australian)