*AN: I heard this song this morning. It used to be one of my favorite SP songs, but I had forgotten about it. Well, when I heard it I just had to use it for a new Sark song fic. The song lyrics are in italics.

Thanks to DFerveiro and glitch04 for their help.

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Title: The Killer in Me
Author: sallene
Summary: The inner battle between Sark and Julian. Short and bittersweet.
Disclaimer: I don't own any Alias characters. I also don't own the Smashing Pumpkins or this song, Disarm.

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Disarm you with a smile
And cut you like you want me to
Cut that little child
Inside of me and such a part of you
Ooh, the years burn

Sometimes the battle with their two selves is too great. They certainly don't co-exist peacefully. Julian is still there, a little child, crying for the lost years. Sark cuts him every time, telling him that crying is a weakness and the years are never coming back. Sometimes Julian asks why, but Sark tells him to be quiet. Weakness is not tolerated. Remembering brings pain and pain is not something that they want to feel. Julian says that it was good for a while, when mother was around and father was not. Sark tells him never to speak of either of them again. Julian retreats to silence. Sark is too strong to let the little boy win.

I used to be a little boy
So old in my shoes
And what I choose is my choice
What's a boy supposed to do?
The killer in me is the killer in you
My love
I send this smile over to you

Julian has always been old, even when he was young. And old soul, some said, with wisdom beyond his years. He saw things that others did not and felt as if his choices were taken away. Sark tells Julian that the choice was theirs. Julian did what he had to because he couldn't do anything else. When the time came, Sark took over. Julian let him because he was tired of the pain and the abuse. They became a killer. A killer with a conscious that was never listened to. A killer that smiled as if he enjoyed what he did.

Disarm you with a smile
And leave you like they left me here
To wither in denial
The bitterness of one who's left alone
Ooh, the years burn
Ooh, the years burn, burn, burn

Sark never really smiled. It was more of a smirk. When the smile came, it was Julian. But, always, it was as eradicator. Julian was left behind one too many times and finally Sark picked him up and took him away. Now they always walked away together. Julian cried when he was left alone. Sark told him that it was pointless to cry. Being left alone was a better option that most. Being alone meant being in charge of oneself and Sark liked to be in control. Julian resented the lost years and bitterly told Sark that they were wasting their life. Sark laughed acrimoniously and replied that life was a waste.

I used to be a little boy
So old in my shoes
And what I choose is my voice
What's a boy supposed to do?
The killer in me is the killer in you
My love
I send this smile over to you

Julian never forgot the past. He remembered his beautiful mother and how she smiled at him. He remembered their house, the smell of fresh baked bread, and how it felt to be loved. He remembered. Sark never remembered the past. He forgot his father, who abused him and his mother. He forgot his mother's brutal death. He forgot that he had felt responsible, that he should have stopped it. He forgot that he was just a boy and couldn't have done anything about it. The only thing Sark remembered was hate and revenge. The little boy gave in to Sark, because that was the only way to make the wound go away. Sark protected him. Julian needed him to. They now spoke with one voice.

The killer in me is the killer in you
Send this smile over to you

They were one, but still divided. Julian told Sark that they needed to keep some humanity. Sark told Julian that he needed to toughen up. Julian was an angel. Sark was a devil. The angel smiled as the devil destroyed anyone in their path.