Dear Regina,
This letter is my last plea, my last words for you before I go.
I don't really know how to say this, but I think you already know. If you don't, try to read between the lines. Maybe writing this makes me a coward. But I can't face you, I can't tell you all I have to, and know of your reaction. So, if it indeed makes me a coward, I can live with it.
Regina, I have to go. It's not that I want to, but I have to. I can't live every day, seeing you, talking to you as if what I feel isn't there, because it is.
I know. I know you don't feel the same way I do. You have Robin, and I know he will bring you happiness. And that's all I want for you, even if it's not me who gives it to you. But I can't stay here and see you both, or imagine what happens behind your closed doors. It's killing me, just like the thought of you marrying him.
Yes. I know he will propose someday, and that you'll happily answer yes. But I can't be here for that. I can't be told about it, because it hurts. I can't have an invite to your wedding and go, because even if I want you happy, this is a way too high price to pay for me. I don't want to keep self-destroying, hurting as much as I do when I see you happy with someone else.
If you were to ask me, I would say that he's not good enough for you. No one is, in my opinion. You are majestic, and the rough edges you have makes you even more beautiful. Not broken, or dark, simply beautiful.
I held hope a long time. But like you said, hope is for fools like my mother, who had a good life and aren't broken or dark. Hope is cruel, and let you down. I get it now. I get why doing the right thing is hard sometimes. I understand why you didn't wanted that hope speech that one time at Granny's. Because my hope is killing me slowly. I wish I could just turn it off, but that's not how it works, because it blooms inside of you even when you try to repress it. You know that too, because of Henry. I know you hoped to win him back, and you did. So, hope might not be that foreign for you now, not like it was before, in the Enchanted Forest. So, I still have hope, though it dwindled, I still have it. I guess I'll just have to hide it behind my walls, for you not to be able to see it as long as I am still around you.
I tried to be what you wanted me to be; I've been told I am good at that, and I could have been complacent in the role I had in your life. But lately, the ache started to hurt too much, the wound opened again and bled. I know you've seen behind what I always show. I know it is ugly and I know you'd agree. So, I can't keep going like that, lying and pretending I am alright with it, with my place in your life. I just… I would have liked to know. Why not me? What missed? Was I not enough?
We are so similar, yet so different, and I think I know you pretty well. I learned to read your eyes, and I know what hurts you, what makes you afraid, or even happy. I know it's not the same for you. I know I don't matter as much. It's ok, though. You are and will always be a part of me, just like you will always hold the piece of my heart I gave you, like I never did for anyone else.
You are one of my best – only – friends. As such, I know that I shouldn't feel that way towards you, but I didn't expected it, I didn't chose. The heart wants what it wants. If I could have decided, I wouldn't have, I would not have compromised the beautiful friendship we have, or, rather we had, before it changed.
What hurts the most is that I had seen us. I had seen a future that I felt crumbling in my hands. I had seen a future of growing old at your side, a future with Henry, our kid, but with, maybe, another child. I had pictured it all, and you didn't knew about it.
I never had my heart broken before. You are the first. I know deceptions, and rejection, just like you, in another way than you, but I never understood that I had my heart intact until you broke it, without even knowing it, without meaning to, I know. I can hear you think. Neal might have been my first real love, but it didn't hurt. His treason did, but it was like I had lost my love for him along the way. It didn't broke my heart, as we were already over before it ended. I never knew a broken heart hurt that much. I don't know how to deal with it, how to live with it. I know they say that only time can heal a heart, and I'm trying. I really am.
So, Regina, I'm leaving Storybrooke. I talked to our son and explained as well as I could why I had to go. I will keep contact. I think he understood, even if it broke his heart. I pray that you will understand my reasons too.
I have to go because speaking to you hurts just as much as not talking to you. They do say 'Out of sight, out of mind'. We'll see if it's true. I hope that staying away will start to heal me. I think I deserve it. I deserve to take care of myself, and move forward.
With all my Love,
Emma xx
Working on updates for my other stories, don't worry! Just something that popped in my head today. Sorry for the mistakes & nothing belongs to me.
GQ -XX-