A/N: Here it is, my Halloween fic! Yay! It's not quite finished, due to a combination of me losing my memory and Ryouko not answering my email... although I didn't send it to her until a few days ago, so she isn't entirely to blame. Oh well. Anyways, this will probably only be a two-part fic, but you never know. Three is the limit, this isn't supposed to be a big epic thing or anything. Anyways, I hope you all like it, it will definately be updated before Thanksgiving, I swear it. Happy Halloween everyone!!!
Attack of the It
And Other Stories
Ryouko and Himizu recount their harrowing adventures in a haunted corn maze to the YYH Cast. Based on real events.
Rated PG13 for language and sexual content (Blame Mike…it's all his fault… bastard.)
This is the story of the haunted corn maze. I've made references to it several times in the past, but I've finally decided to actually write up the chronicles. Besides, it's been over a year since that happened and I don't want to forget it, so I've decided to immortalize it in a fanfiction. For those of you who read BSTV's, you remember the short dude with the rubber chicken and the plastic ax and the chainsaw? Well, he's in here, you can finally read his story. You can also read about one of my friends being followed by a clown (It) with a chainsaw, me being attacked by a guy with a knife, and Ryouko… well… let's just say that she met a very "interesting" personality named Mike in the corn maze. It's creepy… it's funny… it's kinda perverted… it's… the Attack of the It, and other stories.
Also, I've added one of my friends in here. She was with us when we were in the corn maze, but she will never be in any of my other fics because she doesn't like Anime or manga or anything like that. I'm calling her Chijin, so love her for this fic, but don't get too attached cuz she'll never be back.
Disclaimer: I own the story, since it really did happen. I do not own YYH, Mountain Dew, Krueger's Korn Maze, or the characters that appear in it. Remember these distinctions, there will be a test on this later. JK.
"This is a really crappy way to spend Halloween," Yusuke grumbled. He crushed his empty soda can with one hand and hurled it onto the growing mountain of empty cans.
"You're telling us?" demanded Ryouko, gulping the last few drops of yet another Mountain Dew. "We're the ones that are going broke buying all this soda for you guys!"
"There had to be something fun we can do…" grumbled Kurama.
"Watch Silence of the Lambs!!!! Hannibal rules!!!!" yelled Himizu.
"I have better ways to spend my time than by watching your damn ningen trash…" Hiei grumbled.
"One, no you don't or you wouldn't be here drinking sodas with us. Two, you would love this movie. It's about a psycho cannibal murderer," Ryouko said.
"Movie time!!!" cried Himizu. No sooner had she said this, then lightning flashed, thunder boomed, rain poured down in torrents, and the power went out.
"Well, there goes that idea…" Ryouko grumbled as she and Himizu conjured up several lit candles and flashlights. "Anyone got an idea that doesn't involve electricity?"
"I Never?" suggested Yusuke.
"We played that all afternoon!" groaned Himizu.
"Truth or Dare?" Yusuke tried again.
"We played that all morning," Ryouko replied.
"Cards?" Yusuke asked.
"We played cards whenever we weren't playing the other two games. We've played every card game ever invented at least thirty times and even invented three new ones. We're sick of cards," Kurama said, sounding incredibly bored.
"Play videogames?" suggested Kuwabara.
Five different hands simultaneously slapped five different foreheads and five different voices simultaneously groaned, "Baka…"
"Videogames use electricity, Kuwabara," Kurama explained kindly.
"How about ghost stories?" Hiei suggested. He wasn't particularly interested in ghost stories, but maybe Kuwabara and Yusuke would pass out or something. Ryouko and Himizu promptly got identical evil expressions on their faces.
"We know the perfect story!" they declared together.
"Nothing good can come from this…" muttered Kurama. He settled himself more comfortably in his chair, preparing to listen to a long epic tale.
The room that all this was taking place in had two couches and five or six chairs in it. There had been more couches and chairs and tables the last time the YYH Cast had been here, but the girls were highly random, so it would have been even more surprising if all the furniture had remained in the same places. Ryouko and Hiei were sitting side by side on one of the couches. Yusuke and Kuwabara had each commandeered a chair and were relaxing luxuriously. Kurama sat primly in another chair, and Himizu was sprawled on the second couch, somehow managing to fill the whole thing despite her somewhat small stature. Hugging a pillow, the bright-eyed girl rolled onto her stomach to face the rest of the gang.
"This is a true story. Everything that Ryouko and I are about to tell you really did happen."
"If she's making a disclaimer like that, this must be bizarre," Yusuke muttered. Himizu threw her empty soda can at him and hit him in the center of his forehead.
"Baka! It's supposed to be a spooky story and everyone knows that spooky stories are never believed! I have to make a disclaimer!" she exclaimed. Yusuke twitched and fell out of his chair.
"So what is this creepy story that you two seem so eager to relate to us?" asked Kurama, hoping to get Himizu's minds off her various evil murder plots.
"Well," said Ryouko, "it all started when we went to a corn maze…"
"A corn maze?" exclaimed Kuwabara. "Those aren't scary!"
"This one was a haunted corn maze, which wouldn't have been so bad if it hadn't been for all our stalkers converging on us…" Ryouko muttered, twitching very slightly.
Kurama blinked. The girls always claimed to have a few hundred various evil stalkers, but he had never taken them seriously. Granted, he'd seen them dispatch various demons and whatnot from Reiki sent to spy on them or murder them, but other than that, he had never believed their stalker stories before. But looking into the girls' eyes, he could see the truth there and knew that whatever was about to come out of their mouths was the honest truth. So he settled back to listen…
"This is going to be so much fun!!!" exclaimed Himizu joyfully as she handed over a fistful of money to the lady at the ticket counter. Then she, Ryouko, and their friend Chijin made their way to the line behind other groups of young teenagers like themselves interested in a good pre-Halloween scare. As the trio watched a short kid carrying a dead chicken and a plastic axe meander through the crowd, Chijin grinned excitedly.
"This is Kreuger's Korn Maze you know. Maybe we'll get to see Freddy Kreuger! Freddy's so totally my friend!"
"Who's Freddy Kreuger?" Ryouko asked. Himizu had heard the Freddy lecture before, so she turned away and started making fun of the kid with the chicken. Chijin gave Ryouko the short version.
"See, in this one movie, Freddy is this evil serial murderer and he's killed a bunch of people and the other people got mad and they locked him in this shed and burnt it down and everyone thought he was dead, but he wasn't, and he came back and killed even more people and his face is horribly burnt and scarred and stuff and he's just freaking cool!!!"
Ryouko blinked and nodded dazedly.
"Your friend sounds even more psycho than you two…" Yusuke said.
"No, she's not. She can't travel through time and space, she has no interest in anime or manga, she doesn't have a freaky lab to make bizarre creatures in, and she doesn't worship a duck!!!!" Ryouko and Himizu yelled at him. Yusuke twitched.
"You're right. No one in the world could ever have the slightest prayer of being a hundredth as crazy as you," Yusuke amended. Most normal people would have been horrified by this pronouncement, but, as I'm sure I've said before, the girls were not, are not, and will never be normal. So their reaction shouldn't be shocking.
"Why thank you Yusuke-sama!!!" they cried, jumping to their feet, doing an outrageous Japanese bow, and flopping back down onto their couches as though they'd given up on life and were flopping into their graves. They lay there, seemingly comatose, for a full minute before jumping up and singing REM's Shiny Happy People at the top of their lungs. Then Ryouko remembered that they had been telling a story, so she hit Himizu on the head with a mallet to make her settle down so they could continue narrating. Himizu sang one last line ("Shiny Happy People laughing…"), and then her eyes rolled back and she flopped over. Ryouko poked her repeatedly with a stick. Without warning, Himizu jumped up.
"Cut my life into pieces, this is my last resort!!!" she sang at the top of her lungs. Before she could continue her aria of Papa Roach's Last Resort, Ryouko slapped her on the head with a fish. Himizu shook her head, then grinned.
"Righto! Back to the story!"
"Finally…" Ryouko muttered.
"Right… um… Himizu! What are you doing?" Ryouko asked.
"Nothing… nothing at all…"
"Right… that little kid behind you has randomly decided to go on a murderous rampage and he's just as randomly decided to target you, which is why he's glaring at you and envisioning fire and hell and brimstone…"
Himizu turned slowly to face the kid, who was indeed glaring furiously. "You have beautiful eyes," she told him with a perfectly straight face. Then she started laughing like a maniac, so her friends calmly dragged her into the haunted house as though she wasn't acting like an escaped lunatic.
Once inside, the girls' senses were promptly bombarded by eerie darkness coupled with seemingly random flashes of light, screams and shrieks from all directions, and an impenetrable chill that enveloped them. Walking single-file, hands on each other's shoulders, the three girls moved slowly, constantly bumping into walls. They passed cages of rats bathed in a creepy green glow.
Chijin casually remarked, "Did you know that it's against the law for anyone in these places to touch you?"
"We're comforted," Ryouko said dryly.
"Well, then this one must not have been listening when they went over the rules…" Himizu said. Ryouko and Chijin turned around to see Himizu looking at a green hand clamped around her slender wrist. "Let go of me…" Himizu growled in annoyance. She gave her wrist a shake and a tug. Her arm was released and the weird green hand vanished to find more unsuspecting victims.
Without warning, the three girls crashed into four or five other girls around their ages.
"Is this the way out?" one girl cried.
"Uh… no…" Ryouko said.
"Where's the exit?" cried another girl, sounding rather frantic.
The three girls had somehow stumbled upon a large room. The only light came from a rapidly flashing strobe light, making navigation by sight nearly impossible. Several half-blinded teenagers were bumbling around, crashing into walls and each other. Finally, someone found the exit and a tidal wave of teens flooded out of the haunted house and into the corn. A chilly October breeze blew their hair back and Ryouko drew her jacket around her, shivering. Chijin and Himizu laughed at her. Being from Ohio, they were used to the cooler weather.
As they walked, they saw three small children dressed as aliens standing next to a spaceship. Seeing the girls, the three little kids crouched among the corn, giggling, nudging each other, and whispering "Shhh!" in unintentionally audible voices.
The three girls clapped their hands to their mouths to stifle their giggles. "Aww, look, they're so cute!!!" they gasped.
"You know, we'll make them feel bad if we say that when they can hear us. They're trying to scare us, you know," Chijin pointed out.
"You're right," Ryouko and Himizu agreed. So they pretended to squeak with terror when the cute little kids dressed as aliens jumped up with high-pitched cries of "Boo!" As the three girls made their way out of earshot, they burst into a chorus of "Awww, they're so cute!!!"
"Pathetic…" Hiei muttered.
"What? We're very kind, compassionate, caring people," Ryouko said.
"And if you say otherwise, I'll beat the shit out of you with my mallet, force you to listen to the singing ferrets, direct the stampeding wombats to trample you, and sacrifice you to the Almighty Jellyfish!" Himizu threatened, a sweet schoolgirl-type smile on her face. Hiei twitched.
"Kind, compassionate, and caring… Right…" muttered Yusuke.
"What are you talking about, Urameshi? They're not kind, compassionate, or caring at all!!!" Kuwabara yelled in his horribly annoying grating voice.
"It's called sarcasm, you moron," Yusuke informed him.
"Oh… why didn't you say so?" Kuwabara asked. Yusuke groaned, Kurama rolled his eyes, and Hiei drew his katana. But Ryouko and Himizu beat him to the punch.
"We now have a new poster child for World-Class Idiocy!!!" they declared. Himizu knocked Kuwabara unconscious with her trusty giant mallet while Ryouko shoved his head through a giant poster that said 'World-Class Idiot' in big bold letters across the top. Kuwabara sat there unconscious with that poster sticking behind his ears like some kind of weird lion's mane, looking more like a baka than usual… which, considering the level of baka that he normally occupies, was hard to achieve. Eventually, he drifted back into the land of the waking and began to yell at them. The girls calmly slapped on earmuffs and waited for him to shut up. After about ten minutes of waiting, they became bored and pulled out a roll of duct tape, which, as we all know, has great and magical powers. Even the wonderful power to shut up a babbling idiot. The girls knew full well about this kind of power the great and magical duct tape had and they were all too willing to exploit it at the expense of Kuwabara.
After a few minutes, the roll of tape was minus several pieces and Kuwabara's mouth was liberally taped. Not enough to cover his nose and suffocate him, but you can be sure that the thought had crossed the girls' minds and that they had exhibited great self-control to avoid giving in to temptation. Besides, they reasoned, it would be a lot more fun to slowly torture him to death, mouth uncovered so he could scream. Listening to Kuwabara scream for mercy would be most satisfying. They shook their heads to get rid of these pleasant thoughts and commenced telling the story.
After leaving the cute little Signs alien kids behind, they spotted the backs of about five teenage girls ahead of them. Out of nowhere, three Jasons jumped out, waving their roaring chainsaws. The five girls squealed and split up, staying close to the girls that had run in the same direction as them. The three Jasons ran around like sheepdogs corralling spooked sheep. The three girls were completely unafraid and walked right down the middle of the past, completely unchallenged by Jasons. Himizu smirked slightly.
"Distractions… you gotta love 'em."
Without exchanging words, the trio seemed to have decided to annoy the crap out of every single maze person they encountered. They began to carry out this mission shortly after passing a clown with a giant chainsaw.
"Hi, It!" they chorused as they passed the clown. Then, as Chijin kept walking, Ryouko distracted Himizu.
"Hey, look. Gorilla Man!" she said. Himizu's interest was piqued and the pair scurried over to annoy a random guy in a gorilla costume with their maddening chatter. He looked alarmed. It glared at them, then started following Chijin, who still hadn't realized that Ryouko and Himizu had stopped. Realizing their friend was about to get a rude awakening, Ryouko and Himizu decided to help. Help who? Who cared! Someone would be helped by this action. They caught each other's eye, grinning, and nodded.
"CHI-JINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!" they yelled at the top of their lungs, causing Gorilla Man to wince and clap his furry hand-paw-things to his ears. Chijin spun around and nearly got her head knocked off by a poised chainsaw. She stared in surprise at the clown in front of her.
"Hi. Do I know you?" she asked. The clown looked peeved, probably because she wasn't running away screaming. It glared, then stalked off to seek victims who would be more easily frightened. Gorilla Man gave Ryouko and Himizu a weird look as they cracked up. He then vanished into the corn before they could start pestering him again. Ryouko and Himizu looked confused for a minute, then shrugged and walked up to Chijin.
"How did you not realize that It was behind you?" Himizu asked.
"I thought it was you guys…" Chijin said. Ryouko and Himizu exchanged looks of confusion.
"When have we ever done anything that even remotely sounded like a chainsaw?" asked Ryouko. Chijin shrugged sheepishly. Ryouko and Himizu slapped their foreheads.
"You girls have problems," was all Kurama could say. Although he probably wouldn't admit it to them, he was actually entertained by this story.
"What kinds of fools go around annoying people in corn mazes?" Hiei wondered. Ryouko hit him.
"We're not fools, baka! We do stuff like this all the time."
"Like the time we went on a hayride and that one guy was on the wagon with us!" exclaimed Himizu.
"Yeah, and we spent forever trying to get him to talk. He was so pissed!" laughed Ryouko.
"And then he made some dramatic speech about demons of the night or something and we were like 'he speaks!'… And then another guy came out and we were so thrilled that there were two of them." Himizu smiled contentedly at the memory.
"Yeah, and then you almost got your head cut off by a chainsaw…" Ryouko cackled. Himizu's smile flickered. Hiei looked slightly sorry that the wielder of the chainsaw had failed to cut off Himizu's head.
"Yeah, that was kinda freaky… but still fun!" Himizu added perkily.
Yusuke and Kuwabara started to edge away from the two psychotic girls. They flinched when the girls glared at them and brandished their mallets. Fortunately for them, the girls were really getting into their story, so the bakas were not beaten too badly.
Once the three girls were done laughing at the strange It incident, they continued walking. The trail gradually became narrower, until it was barely wide enough for one person to walk down the path. Chijin took the lead, and Ryouko followed, leaving Himizu to the more vulnerable rear position. Trooping along single-file in this manner, they were somewhat relieved that they met no one going the other way because someone would've ended up in the corn, and odds were, it wouldn't be these girls.
As they walked, they noticed a path that branched off to the left, but a man blocked the path. He was slightly taller than Himizu, maybe 5'10", somewhat overweight, and garbed completely in black, from shoes to pants, jacket to mask, and even a pair of black gloves. He gazed mutely at the girls as they passed, but did not hinder their progress. Seconds later, the hairs on the back of Himizu's neck stood up. She could feel eyes boring into her. Then she mentally scolded herself for being so paranoid. When the feeling didn't go away, Himizu gave in to temptation and did the stupid thing that all the ditzy blondes in horror movies do and promptly die because of it… she looked behind her. Seeing the man in black following her, she instantly decided to face her for rather than flee.
"Hi!" she said cheerfully. The man just looked at her. "Can I help you?" she asked, still speaking in an ultra-friendly voice that made her sound like her IQ was at least a hundred points lower than it actually was.
The man held up a large knife with a long keen blade. It winked silver in the faint moonlight. Himizu nodded wisely.
"Ah, you want to cut my heart out, don't you?"
The man hefted the knife and leveled it with Himizu's heart. Himizu shrugged cheerily.
"Okay," she said pleasantly.
The man thrust the knife forward. Ryouko and Chijin gasped in surprise. Then the knife froze, the tip of the blade a mere three inches from Himizu's chest. Then he pulled the knife back and waved at her.
"Bye," Himizu said perkily, returning his wave. Then she turned back to her friends, who were staring at her as though she had sprouted three heads. "What?" Himizu asked in a clueless way, causing the other two to slap their foreheads in disgust.
"Only you, Himizu…" Kurama said, shaking his head.
"I don't see why you're surprised," Ryouko said. "You've seen the way she acts when Hiei tries to kill her. She had a complete lack of self-preservation…"
"Not true. I simply knew that he wasn't going to kill me!" Himizu objected.
"How?" Ryouko demanded. "How did you know he was part of the maze and not some deranged homicidal lunatic escaped from an asylum and hiding in the corn, just waiting for some unsuspecting idiot like you to walk by and allow them to kill you because you were too stupid to be scared of him and his long sharp knife?"
Himizu frowned slightly. "Never thought of it that way… but he wasn't a deranged homicidal lunatic, so it's all good."
"Sure, it's all good when you have those near-misses, but what happens when it's not a near miss?"
"You mean, when it's a far miss?" Himizu asked.
"BAKA!!!" Ryouko screamed, jumping up to strangle her friend. Yusuke and Kuwabara stared at the two psychos, then his behind their chairs. Hiei and Kurama, however, boldly put their lives on the line and tried to wrench the two girls apart. After a few moments of killing each other, both girls went limp, allowing the two boys to throw them onto their respective couches. Two Mountain Dew cans suddenly floated out of their packages and one landed in each girl's hand. They drank, then sat up, happy hyperness returned.
"Okay, to continue the story!" Himizu cheered.