Santana Lopez looked at her reflection in the mirror, hating who she was. All she saw was the loser the voice in the back of her mind constantly told her she was. She lived in New York with Rachel and Kurt. She had always been an only child and she liked it that way. At least that's what she told herself. However, living with Rachel and Kurt was fresh, new and exciting. However, the voices in her head never stopped just because she changed locations. They were always in her head at night, telling her how worthless and ugly and fat she was.
Ever since she had moved to New York, she thought she was doing better, but the fact that she was so far away from Brittany killed her. She needed her, but Brittany was still in high school. God, she missed Brittany so much. She let a single tear fall down her cheek and quickly wiped it away.
Because of all of this, she hadn't eaten in weeks, months even. And no one seemed to notice. Santana just looked into the mirror, counting all of her flaws.
No one loves you, Santana. You aren't worth anything. You're so fat and ugly. That's why Kurt and Rachel never really care to ask how you're doing. You don't matter to anyone. And Brittany doesn't have as much time for you. You're a worthless piece of trash.
Rachel and Kurt were at NYADA a majority of the time. However, they were still there for her. Just…not in the way that she thought she needed.
She continued to stare at her reflection, hating every inch of herself. The voice never really went away, but it was at its strongest at night, when everything came crashing down on her. That was when she was bitterly alone. Kurt and Rachel had late classes today since it was Thursday Something about extra dance lessons or whatever. It didn't matter though because Santana was strong. And she could do this. She was about to grab a razor and cut herself when she heard Rachel and Kurt come into the apartment. She sighed. Rachel would need to use the restroom soon for her nighttime shower.
However, she locked the door to the bathroom ignoring Rachel and Kurt's greetings to her. She held the razor to her perfectly dark skin and let the blood drip off of her arms. Suddenly, she heard a knock on the door and knew it was Rachel.
"Santana? Are you in there? I need to shower!" Rachel exclaimed.
"Yea," Santana said quietly, "Just a minute."
Santana tried to stop the bleeding with a piece of toilet paper and it seemingly worked, so she pulled her sleeves down. She then walked out of the restroom and said, "Here you are, madam!" to Rachel.
"Thanks," Rachel responded.
"No problem," Santana responded.
Once she heard the shower running and Rachel singing obnoxiously loud, she walked over to Kurt, who was sitting on the couch watching America's Next Top Model.
"Santana, are you okay?" Kurt asked her
"Huh? Yea, I'm fine," she responded.
"Okay…" Kurt replied and then started paying attention the television again.
However, when he looked over at Santana during one of the commercial breaks, he saw blood seeping through her shirt.
"Santana! Why are you bleeding?" he asked.
"Uh…I just…scraped it…on uh, accident," she responded.
"Bull…what happened and let me see."
"I…uh, I don't think that's a good idea."
"Fine, we'll wait until Rachel gets out here to look at it."
"Okay, whatever," she responded and pulled her sleeves up.
Kurt gasped in shock as he saw all the old scars on Santana's arms and the newfound ones on her wrist.
"Why are you doing this?" he asked, confused.
"I…I don't know," she responded, tears flowing down her cheeks.
"Santana, talk to me, I know we're not the best of friends, but I'm your roommate. What's going on?"
"It's just….I got to thinking and I don't know, it made me feel better before and I miss Brittany and…I just don't know if I can do this anymore," Santana sobbed.
She continued to cry and Kurt just hugged the Latina and rubbed her back.
"It's going to be okay," he told her, "it's going to be okay."
"What's going on here? What happened?" Rachel asked, pointing to Santana's arms.
They hadn't even noticed Rachel was out of the shower. She went and sat on the other side of Santana and rubbed her back.
"I was going to ask if you were okay but it's obvious you're not. We're here for you. I don't know what's all going on, but I'm here for you. Here, I'll go get some antibacterial cream and a bandage while Kurt stays here, alright?" Rachel told her friend.
"Okay. Thanks." Santana responded.
"No problem."
Rachel left the room and was back, cleaning her friend's wound.
"Are you guys going to make me talk about my feelings or something now?" Santana asked sarcastically.
"No," Kurt responded, "But it might help to."
Santana scoffed, but softened when she saw Rachel's eyes filled with concern and worry. "I'm sorry…I just, I want it all to be okay, but it's not. You know? And…I know it's silly but I miss Brittany. A lot."
Kurt patted her knee and said, "I know….I miss Blaine a lot too."
Rachel sighed and said, "I love you guys. Maybe we should have a roommate day where we go out to dinner and a movie and we take turns paying?"
Kurt smiled and said, "Yes! That sounds great!"
Santana smiled slightly and said, "Yea, sure sounds good."
Kurt and Rachel wanted to watch a movie, so they decided to. Each of them eventually fell asleep on the couch, clinging to the hope that things would get better soon. Little did they know what was coming.