Just a short one shot.
When your C.J, hyped on red bull and wine at 4am...this is what happens.
I may have to apologise afterwards...
C.J
X
My heart aches...
Not from the imposter growing inside it...
But from knowing everything I could leave behind...
From what I could miss out on...
My daughter, that's the hardest ache to swallow...
Like a lump in my throat that expands when I think of all the things I might not share with her...
Being there in support through her first lost love...
Graduation...
Her wedding...
My first grandchild and all the birthdays and Christmases in between...
The thought of not being able to put right all the wrongs...
To give her the explanations she so rightly deserved...
I ached for little things like shopping trips and the sporadic phones calls where I'd learn all about her day...
The sound of her voice...
That I wouldn't be able to sit beside her and run my fingers through her hair...
But there's no greater ache than the one I feel when I think about the hurt I could cause her...
I've caused her so much already...
No matter how much I try to do the right thing...
I push people away...
Like Jacob...
Good people that only saw the best in me...
That gave me a taste of a future I could live and bask in...
For a few moments we were a family, the three of us and I ache that it was so delicate...
So easily snatched away...
I ache that he might never know that I...
That I love him...
Would it be cruel to tell him just to take that hope away...
Maybe they'd feel the pain a little less from a distance...
Was it fair to bring people back to me just so they could see me disappear...
Or would it be worse to leave things unsaid...
To have good, happy memories tarnished and tainted with a few angry words...
To never have closure...
Do I owe them both explanations and apologies...
How would I make it right...
Would they want me to...
"It's good news Connie...the tumors benign..."
Connie blinking once then twice at the consultant sat across the desk from her. Her wayward thoughts coming to a gridding halt as she tried to focus.
"Its..." She wasn't processing.
The news refused to register.
From the moment she had received the first test results Connie had wandered down a lonely path of negatively.
She had prepared for the worst, expecting the irony that a cardiac surgeons heart would cause her own down fall.
She never once considered otherwise.
"Its benign... You don't have cancer..." The man smiled. "...we still have to move quickly...I've made you an appointment for two days time to remove the tumor."
Connie stood dazed. "Thankyou."
She held out her hand to shake his and left the office with more questions.
More uncertainties.
She ached to share her news...
With people that loved her back...
But that would mean letting them in...
The End*