I have always loved the scene in "Game of Thrones" when Catelyn confesses she did come close to accepting Jon, but in the end, backed out of her pledge to the gods. I have wondered why she would break her vow. This is purely creative on my part. Either that, or Catelyn was a great actress for a lot of years.
Un-beta'd, but I've gone over it numerous times, so if I made any mistakes, I did my best not to!
It appeared as if the gods had answered Lady Catelyn Stark's prayers. Since her husband had returned from the wars with another woman's son, she had prayed that the child be taken from her presence. He was the one blemish on her husband's unimpeachable honor. To this day, she still could not fathom the idea of him laying with another woman. And yet, Jon Snow was the evidence that Eddard Stark had done such a thing.
It was not that the boy was a bad child. He kept to himself, kept out of her way. Robb had a playmate, at least. Sansa took her attitude about Jon from her mother. It was Arya who showed the bastard the most affection and he lovingly protected her, even when she didn't want to be. But still, he was a scar on their house.
And now, according to Maester Luwin, he was mortally sick.
When her other children had been sick, she had sat up with them, not left their side. But she could not do so with the bastard, and it annoyed her that Ned did. Yes, Jon was his son and he was a father to the boy, but why did he have to...flaunt it so, for the household to see? Catelyn would peer at him from the door to the room as he sat at the boy's bedside. He had been there near constant for three days, but the maester had said there was no change.
So, it looked to be nearing the end for Jon Snow, a boy who should have never been.
And yet, despite her feelings towards the boy, it was bringing her no peace. So much so that she was unable to sleep that third night and found herself walking around the keep. When she saw Jon's room, with the door still open, it surprised her to not see Ned there. No one was with the boy, in fact. She narrowed her eyes and walked into the sickroom, closing the door behind her. Then she returned her attention to the boy. His eyes were closed and he was perfectly still. It was the first time she had gotten a proper look at him, and she realized how little he looked like Ned. He was darker, and bulkier than her husband or Robb. He must take after his mother, whoever she was, Catelyn thought.
Ned had never spoken of who the woman was. Catelyn had a suspicion or two, from gossip among the servants, but from her husband, nothing.
Cate looked back at the door before turning back to the child in the bed. She crouched down next to him and took a deep breath. "There is peace in the next life, the gods tell us. Even if it is with a Stranger. Maybe, you will not even find unfamiliar faces on the other side," she whispered to him.
She stood up and turned, only to find Ned there, his mouth agape. Instantly, she felt shame for what he had surely witnessed, what she had said. She moved to him, wishing to apologize, but he left the room. She followed him out into the courtyard and heard him say to the the stablehand, "Saddle my horse, and one for Lady Catelyn." Then he caught a scullery maid. "Pack a bag for myself and your lady. Just something for an overnight."
"Ned, I'm sorry! I don't know what came over me!" She felt truly awful, saying such things to a child, one who was innocent.
Ned said nothing, and turned away. She went to her room and watched as the maid packed a dress and other necessities. It was not much, and certainly not enough to last until they reached Riverrun. That must be where he was taking her, and that thought made her angry. She was being thrown over for a bastard.
Only one hour later, they were passing through the gates of Winterfell, just her and Ned. He trotted the horse north, in the opposite direction from her family home, and that confused her. "Where are we going, my lord?" she asked him. He remained silent.
Ned was never by nature a cruel or evil man, so she did not fear for her life. But as they made their way farther north, she grew more concerned and tried to question him. Still he said nothing. Finally, after about two hours on the road, he stopped the horse at the crest of a ridge. In the distance, she could see a cabin not far from a large wooded area. "My father had it built for hunts. He would take myself and Brandon there as boys. Benjen was too young, though, before I left for the Eyrie." Then he nudged his horse along.
Catelyn understood she was to follow, but did not understand what he was doing. However, follow she did, and they reached the cabin together. He helped her off her horse and laced his fingers with hers as they went inside. There, Ned fixed a fire while Cate looked around. It was cozy inside, with plenty of furs to keep out a northern chill, even at the height of summer. She saw a small bedroom and, for a moment, wondered if this was where he had broken his vows to her. But she realized it was too far away from the campaigns of the war to overthrow the Mad King.
When she returned to the main room, Ned sat in front of the fire, staring at the flames dancing. She let out a gasp when she saw him with her copy of The Seven Pointed Star. Ned was not a believer in the Seven, and religion was rarely discussed between them.
He must have heard her come back in, because he stood up. With the holy text in his hand, he said. "There are things I have kept from you. I did not do them to harm you, or dishonor you, but I see what it has caused you to do." He held out the book to her. "There are things I must tell you, but they can never leave this place. They must be forgotten when we leave this place in the morning. I am not asking you to change your attitudes. In fact, to keep this secret, you must continue as you are." Then he sighed. "But you have a right to know." He held out the book to her. "Swear it, on your gods. Swear you will not reveal what has been said."
She studied him closely. He was graver than his usual continence, as if in pain. As much as she wanted to know what it was he was ready to reveal, she was hesitant. She took her faith seriously, so she asked, "Why must I swear to keep this secret?"
"Because, if you do not, if one breath of this goes beyond this place and the two of us," he replied quietly, "you, I, our children, will be executed as traitors." He raised his eyes to her. "Do you swear it?"
She placed her hand on the text. Meeting his gaze, she nodded. "I swear it, by the Old Gods and the New."
Another deep breath, and he took her hand, leading her to a chair. "Since I returned from the war, I know the babe I returned with has been a strain on you. For that, I am sorry. But I made a vow to someone and to keep that vow...I had to come up with a story. And the only one I could think of was a bastard."
She let out a breath she did not realize she was holding. Deep down, Catelyn could never believe that Ned would go back on a sacred vow of marriage. He was not his friend, the King, who had lain with untold numbers of women and had unknown numbers of bastards. She wanted to weep for joy that her mind had at last been put at ease over that, but then she remembered Ned's warning. She looked at him to continue.
"Howland Reed and myself led a raiding party to Dorne, to a place called the Tower of Joy. There, we found Kingsguards, the very best of them. They were commanded by Ser Arthur Dayne." Catelyn knew of the man. He was reputed to be the best knight in the Seven Kingdoms, and the closest friend of the late Crown Prince, Rhaegar Targaryen. "We fought, and I was nearly bested by Ser Arthur. It was only an injured Howland delivering the mortal blow that saved me. As I finished the job, I heard a cry from the tower. I rushed up and there, I found Lyanna."
Lyanna Stark, Ned's sister. The whole reason why Ned had gone off to war with Robert Baratheon in the first place. She had been promised to him, but had been carried off by Prince Rhaegar. Ned's brother had gone to King's Landing, demanding Aerys the Second order his son to return the girl. Those events spiraled out of control, leading to the overthrow of the Targaryen dynasty.
In truth, Lyanna had always angered Catelyn. She was to marry Brandon, but after he and Lord Rickard Stark had been burned alive by the Mad King, it fell to Ned to complete the engagement. If not for Lyanna, Ned could happily have his bastard and it would have no effect on her, she had always felt.
Now, Catelyn was beginning to see the picture before her. "Jon is Lyanna's bastard," she said, understanding.
Ned did not affirm or deny her statement, only continued with his story. "She had just given birth, probably as I fought Ser Arthur. But she had lost too much blood to survive." His voice was breaking, though he was fighting the emotions as much as he could. "And as she lay dying, she said she knew what would happen to her son, should Robert learn of his existence."
Catelyn knew too. It was a dreadful crime, what Lord Tywin Lannister had ordered after his forces had sacked King's Landing. Especially what had happened to Elia Martell and her children. Rhaegar's children.
Catelyn was brought out of her black thoughts by her husband's next words. "She whispered her son's name. She said, 'His name is Aegon Targaryen.'"
She raised her head and met his eyes sharply. "Targaryen…?" But the boy had been born in Dorne, and Dornish bastards were given the surname Sand. If Lyanna's son was named Targaryen… "He's the legitimate son of Rhaegar Targaryen?"
All her husband did was nod, and the full impact of his words hit her. Not just a Targaryen, but the heir to the Iron Throne, Jon Snow, bastard of Winterfell was. And if it was known, Robert Baratheon's wrath would be just as brutal on them as it was on Elia.
Then a fresh wave of guilt came over her. She had treated the boy cruelly, ignoring him, disparaging him and his mother, who Catelyn had thought a whore. She had hated Lyanna for unwittingly seducing Rhaegar enough to ignite a war. But it had never made sense, the belief of the kidnapping and rape. From what she had heard of Rhaegar, he was peaceful, artistic, moderate in his demeanor. There had been whispers of overthrowing his father and installing him on the Iron Throne, even before Aerys had the Stark men killed.
The guilt she felt must have been so overpowering that it was clear on her face, for Ned's next words were a calm chastisement. "You must wipe your memory of what I just said. If we return to Winterfell and you act any differently, there will be talk. And there are people out there who would pay handsomely for that talk."
She was near tears then. "How can I forget such a thing?" She stood up and turned away from her husband. "Gods, I wish you had never told me! I wish I had never given you reason to tell me."
He rose and reached out both of his hands to her arms. "It is done now and cannot be undone."
She did not say anything in reply. But she did send out a prayer, to all Seven Gods. Let the boy live! Let him live and I will be different. I will accept him, and be a mother to him. I will allow Ned to give him his name. Stark. Jon Stark. It would give the boy a family, a true family, not be shunted to the, side, forgotten, unloved.
"There must be something that can be done," she begged him, turning back to see him in tears. Catelyn had been told throughout the years of Ned's love for his sister and how it had become his personal mission to bring her home. He had been unable to do that, but he had saved a part of her. Catelyn understood Ned's devotion to Jon now and yearned to show the same.
Ned wiped his eyes. "The entire way back from Dorne, I thought over a dozen possible explanations, but this one…" He must have seen her face and knew her thoughts. "We must keep up the pretense, just as I began it. You have set your course with the boy, you must stay it now."
"Ned, just this morning, I prayed that the boy die! What you are suggesting is obscene," Catelyn retorted, horrified.
"But not your everyday demeanor. I would never think you would want a child to die. I understand where your words this morning came from. You have a good and loving heart. But you must hide it from Jon, from the children, from the household. I have to keep my vow to Lyanna," Ned explained.
"For how long?"
Her husband let out a sigh. "For as long as Robert and his heirs sit on the Iron Throne. If it was known, even when the king dies, Jon would never be safe."
It was impossible to fathom, keeping such information a secret for what amounted to forever, but she understood why it must be. "You mean Aegon," she replied with a touch of mirth. "Aegon, Sixth of his Name, King of the Andals and the First Men, Protector of the Seven Kingdoms. Thank the gods he takes after his wolfblood."
At that, Ned smiled for the first time in days. "There is only one other who knows the truth about Jon. Lord Reed was with me at the Tower of Joy, he found me with Lyanna and the babe. But he swore an oath that it would die with him. Also, her handmaidens had documentation from the septon who annulled his marriage to Elia and married them. I put it in the crypt with her."
"A wise move, my beloved." She took his hand and sat down again. "They were in love?"
"I think they were from the moment he set those roses on her lap. We were all just too blind to see it. If they had survived it, there would have been fallout, but nothing as destructive as what happened," he went on. "The annulment was done in secret, but that was for the benefit of his father, more likely. I can't see the Dornish raising a furor over bastardized children. And Rhaegar would have provided for his children, of that I am sure."
They sat up talking the rest of the night, Ned telling her everything about his sister, and Catelyn's admiration of Lyanna grew. She could even see a reincarnation of sorts in her own daughter, Arya, even at such a young age.
And they made love, with a fierceness they had never experienced before, her mind at rest about the man she had come to love. Now, in the quiet of her own mind, she knew what played on in her husband's heart. It was the wolf, protecting its cubs against all who would harm them.
With the rising of the morning light, they prepared to leave the sanctuary they had built overnight. They would go home to play their roles, father of three sons and two daughters, and her, mother of four children, with caution at the thought of a motherless boy.
"Ned, make me a promise and I will make you one," she began, putting on her warm cloak. "On his name day, take Jon out, let him bask in the attention of his father, with his siblings surrounding him. I know these past years, you have wandered down the crypt on that day." Now, she knew why, to pay homage to his beloved sister, taken from her son on his first day of life. "And I will pay my respects to Lyanna, and promise her to keep her son safe in this world. Let us have that one moment, when we can peek out from under the masks we donned here yesterday."
Ned smiled, silently granting her request and they rode back to Winterfell, where they were greeted by Robb. He had seemed excited to see his father, but tamped down on his emotions when he caught sight of her. "Father! Father! Maester Luwin was looking for you. Jon's fever broke overnight! The maester said it would live!"
Catelyn wanted nothing more than to share in the joy her son was expressing. But she turned to her husband and put on a severe face. "Go, my lord. Your son needs you."