Disclaimer: Not mine. Only borrowing the characters. No profit is being made.
A/N: This is a complete departure from everything I've written so far. I wrote this mostly as a way to cope with the loss of one of my dogs. While it's been difficult to write, it has also been cathartic.
A/N 2: Established Quinn/Rachel
A/N 3: This is completely unedited. I doubt I'll be able to read over what I've written and not break down in tears all over again.
On My Own
It starts as any other day for Rachel. Her iPod comes to life at six in the morning, and within five minutes, she is changed and out the door with her dog of nearly nine years now. The walk is like any other she has had with him since she got him at 7 weeks old. Once they're back, Rachel puts a fresh bowl of water, and while he is drinking, she gets his food ready. Soon, they're back in her room. She plugs her iPod back on the dock and hops on her elliptical while Bigsby jumps on the bed and lies on it, a satisfied look in his face.
"You know, Bigs, I'm really excited. Today at for glee Quinn and I are going to present our new song, and hopefully it'll be picked as one of the songs we'll sing for Nationals." Rachel says.
At the mention of Quinn, the Rottweiler was his nub and looks around the room, half expecting the former Cheerio to waltz in the room.
"I know, Baby Boy. I miss her too, and we only saw her last night. She should be here soon." Rachel says as she looks at the remaining time she has left for her routine. "Fifteen more minutes and I'm done. Which means our Quinn should be here within half an hour." Rachel says, and giggles at the excited dog.
"You know, for a senior dog you're quite energetic." Rachel says with a fond smile. "I swear you love her more than you love me, but that's fine. It only shows you have great taste." Rachel adds when the dog gets up and starts wagging his entire rear end.
"Next thing you know, you'll be expecting him to answer you." Quinn appears suddenly through the door, to be nearly knocked down by an over excited dog.
"Quinn! What are you doing here so early?" Rachel asks with a loving smile.
"I couldn't wait to see you." Quinn says as she valiantly takes the nudges and licking from the one-hundred-and-twenty pound dog. "Not that I'm not happy to see you, Bigs, but I'd much rather get kisses from your mommy." Quinn says as she pets the dog.
Rachel cancels the remaining time on the elliptical and grabs a towel to dab any excess perspiration before she bounces off and into the waiting arms of Quinn. She stops before the blonde can wrap her arms around her though and gives her a quick peck on the lips.
"Hey!" Quinn protests as she tries once again to hug her girlfriend.
"I'm rally grimy and icky. Let me take a quick shower and I'll give you the welcome you deserve, Love." Rachel says as she grabs the bathrobe hanging on the door of her walk-in closet. "Besides, it looks like your arms are busy again." Rachel adds as Bigsby nearly climbs on Quinn's lap as he lays his head on her lap, along with a big portion of his front legs.
"God, it's a good thing I don't have to explain to Coach why I'm walking around with black fur on my uniform anymore." Quinn says as her hands automatically reach behind the dog's ears and she starts to gently scratch the soft fur there.
Rachel smiles fondly at the pair before she bounces into her en suite and starts her shower. By the time she comes out, Rachel's heart nearly melts at the sight of her girlfriend still petting her dog, while said dog has a dopey look on his face. She silently walks over to them and sits beside them.
Quinn smiles as she sees Rachel approach them. Her smile widens when she feels Rachel's arms wrap around her waist and promptly claims the blonde's lips with a heart scorching kiss. Quinn's hands immediately leave the dog and wrap around Rachel's neck, deepening the kiss even more. They only separate when Bigsby gets off the bed and literally wedges himself between the two girls.
"Hey! You get to sleep with her every night. You need to share." Quinn says with a stern look that soon turns into a sappy one.
"I think he's nudging me away from you. I swear this dog loves you more than he loves me." Rachel says shaking her head with an amused smile tugging her lips.
"Just shows what great taste he has." Quinn says with a smirk.
"No. It shows he can be bribed with bacon." Rachel says with a pout.
Bigsby's head perks up at the mention of the 'b' word. "See what I mean? I can't even say that word without him starting to drool." Rachel says with a frown.
"See? That just validates my statement. Your dog has great taste." Quinn says. "Come on Bigs. Let's go get breakfast ready while Mommy gets ready." She says to the dog. "We'll see you in a bit. Michael started breakfast already so there's no need for you to rush. I love you, Rachie." Quinn says as she gets up from Rachel's bed. They're out the door after another kiss.
Rachel shakes her head at the sight. She has dated exactly four people so far. This is the first significant other that Bigsby has liked. Quinn likes to say it's because the dog has issues with most men. Other than the Berry men, Bigsby usually growls and snarls at anyone who happens to be male. Sometimes she wonders if that is an accurate conclusion because Bigsby has always come in between her and her previous boyfriends. She can't really test that theory since Quinn is the only girl she has dated, and by the looks of it, she'll also be the last because Rachel only has eyes for the blonde. Then again, she has had to keep Bigsby in her room whenever she has the others from Glee over because other than Brittany, the others seem to be in the dog's list of not so good people. Quinn says it's because Bigsby is a very smart dog and he can pick up the undercurrent of jealousy from the others. The one time Finn had suggested the blonde was full of shit because of Quinn's spotty past with Rachel, Bigsby had to be physically restrained. To this day, everyone is surprised at Rachel's upper-body strength because it's a known fact the dog is heavier than the diva.
All Rachel had said was that she has had work on her upper-body strength or end up face-first on the sidewalk during their walks or when he was younger, their runs. When asked about her opinion about the dog's behaviour with the others, Rachel had only said that it's because Bigsby is very attuned to her feelings and would pick up on her unease around them, and combined with their fear, the dog would go into ultra-protective mode.
Rachel smiles as she catches sight of Quinn sitting on a stool by the breakfast island with Bigsby as she pets his back with her feet. She swears the dog can truly pick up on her feelings because from the very first moment, her dog has been enthralled by the blonde.
"Hey." Rachel says as she finally makes her presence known. She quickly grabs a bowl of cut up fruit, topped with yogurt and homemade granola, and a glass of water.
"I made you a raspberry and mango smoothie with vanilla flavoured almond milk." Quinn says as she pushes a glass by Rachel's bowl.
"Is it because you gave Bigs more than his share of 'people' food?" Rachel eyes her girlfriend suspiciously.
"No. I gave him the fake stuff that's good for dogs. I know the salt and grease are bad for him, and he's getting on in age." Quinn says. "All right, it might be because I might have gone a bit overboard with it in order to make up that it's not the real thing." She adds at the skeptical look she receives from Rachel.
The Berry men laugh at their exchange. Regardless of their shared past, they haven't seen Rachel happier. So after a less than stellar meeting of the parents, things have only improved between them.
"Daddy, are you sure you'll be fine waking Bigs later today? I can always come home and then return to McKinley for Glee." Rachel asks for the thousandth time.
"Yes, Honey. I'll be home on time, and I don't mind at all. I know you and Quinn want to present your song to the rest so use the extra time to warm up properly." Michael says with a smile.
"Thanks Daddy." Rachel says. "It's nothing personal Bigs. It's just really important I get in as much practice as possible because the perfect song with me singing the solo will only increase our chances of placing at Nationals." She adds as she stretches so she can pet the dog with her foot.
Quinn holds back a giggle when she sees Rachel struggling to stay seated on the stool while attempting to pet the dog in the same manner as her. She coughs and swallows at the glare she receives from Rachel.
When they're done with breakfast, the girls head for school after giving the dog a hug, a scratch behind the ears and a kiss on top of the head.
"Be a good boy and guard the house Bigs. I'll see you after Glee, hopefully with good news." Rachel says as she follows Quinn out the door.
The rest of the day is a blur of classes, assignments and reviews because finals are just around the corner, not to mention their PSATs and their AP exams. Rachel can't wait for the day to be over. At least it's been a relatively quiet day in terms of bullying from the others. Then again, that's more than likely due the fact that Quinn, Santana, and Puck have made it very clear that Rachel is off limits. Still, there are the odd days when some idiotic sheep thinks it's a good idea to pick on her as a way to challenge the other three in their silly little quest of climbing up the ranks of McKinley's hierarchy ranks only to be pushed down almost as if they have been struck down by the hand of God.
Rachel smiles when she sees Quinn stroll inside the choir room, a tired smile on her face. They quickly make their way to the piano and start their warm up. They go through their song a few times. By the time the others join them, they are confident their song will win.
"You ready Mini-me?" Santana asks affectionately as she joins Brittany in the front.
"Yes. And will you please stop calling me that?" Rachel says with a huff.
"Why? We're both brunettes, we're both hot. Only difference, you're like a foot shorter than me." Santana says with a chortle.
"That is nothing but an absurd exaggeration. You're at most two inches taller than me…" Rachel starts to say, but she stops when she feels a set of familiar arms encircle her from behind.
"Shh, Rachie. The more you react, the more she'll bug you with that. Ignore her and she'll get tired of it." Quinn whispers. She smiles when her girlfriend melts into her body with a contented sigh.
"Not cool, Q. You can't give her inside information like that and ruin my fun. She's supposed to figure shit out on her own." Santana says as she throws the blonde a wadded up piece of paper.
"Language." Rachel says out of habit.
"Yes, Mother." Santana says with a roll of her eyes.
Will arrives with an apology for being late (again) stopping Rachel and Quinn from saying anything back to the Latina.
"Sorry everyone. I got held up with some students." Will says as the others roll their eyes. "Right, I understand Rachel and Quinn are ready to present their song to us for consideration. Take it away, girls." Will says.
Rachel and Quinn make their way back to the piano and just as Rachel is about to situate herself back on the bench, her phone goes off with a very familiar ring. The brunette diva all but shoots out to grab her phone. She knows her daddy would never call her unless it's important.
"Daddy?" Rachel asks the moment she connects the phone and brings it to her ear. "Are you sure Daddy?" Rachel asks as tears well in her eyes and knees buckle.
Quinn immediately reaches to grab her girlfriend. When she sees the tears falling freely she tightens her hold on Rachel and with a glare, she stops the others from asking questions.
Santana, Brittany and Puck immediately tense up when they see Rachel's reaction and automatically stand in front of her, ready for anything.
"We'll be there as soon as humanly possible. See you in a bit Daddy." Rachel says barely above a whisper before she disconnects her phone.
"Rachie?" Quinn asks, panicking at Rachel's ashen look and the non-stop flow of tears.
Rachel drops her phone and buries her face in Quinn's neck. "It's Bigs." She whispers. "He got hit by a car. It's bad. Daddy is taking him to the vet as we speak." Rachel manages to say between sobs. "Do you think you can drive me there?" She asks.
Santana immediately grabs Rachel's phone and puts it inside the diva's messenger bag, and hands it to Quinn along with the blonde's purse as well. "Go." She tells the girls. The dog might not be very fond of her, but she knows how important he is to the diva.
Quinn grabs both bags and wordlessly leads a distraught Rachel to her car. She drives to the vet's office as fast as possible. Rachel bolts out the car before it can come to a complete stop, racing inside the practice. Quinn follows as soon as her car is parked and off.
The vet tech silently points Rachel and Quinn to one of the exam room. "Just go in. They're expecting you." She says gently.
"Rachel immediately kneels beside Bigsby the second she is inside the exam room and sees him lying on the floor, still on top of a stretcher. "Hey Baby Boy? Mommy got here as soon as she could. Quinnie got us here as soon as she could." She says to the Rottweiler. "Dr. James, how is he?" Rachel asks when all the dog does is lift his head lightly so he can lay it on Rachel's lap.
"The hit broke a few vertebrae near his neck. He has bone fragments digging in his spinal chords. He has lost feeling on all his legs. I'm sorry Rachel." Dr. James says gently.
"Can anything be done?" Rachel asks.
"I can refer him to a specialist, but the odds aren't good. The fact that he can't feel anything in his paws and he can't support his weight at all is a very bad sign. We can try to operate to remove the bone fragments but in all honesty, I don't think he will ever be able to make a full recovery." Dr. James says, hating this part of her job.
"I only want what is best for him. Will he have a good quality of life if we go ahead with surgery?" Rachel asks, already knowing the answer. She hates seeing the confuse look on her best friend's eyes.
"No. It's a very risky surgery, mostly due the site of his injury and his age. If he survives through it, I don't think he'll recover. He'll be in a lot of pain as he recovers, and there's no guarantee he'll recover the use of his legs." Dr. James says, tears filling her eyes as well. She has seen Bigsby from the moment Rachel had gotten him nearly nine years ago.
"Then do what is bet for him. I don't want him to suffer." Rachel says in as steady a voice as her tears allow.
"You're making the right decision. You're doing what's best for him and not you." Quinn says as she wraps her arms around Rachel, her own tears spilling out.
"Do you think he'll forgive me? It seems like I'm not even trying, but I can't have him suffer just because I'm too selfish to let go." Rachel says through her tears.
"There's nothing to forgive, Baby. He knows you're doing what's best for him. He knows you love him, and he loves you just as much in return." Quinn says as starts to scratch Bigsby behind one of his ears.
"Will he suffer? Is he in pain right now?" Rachel asks Dr. James, not moving from her spot on the floor.
"No. I've injected him with some pain killer. I'll give him a sedative to completely relax and numb him. You'll have enough time to say good bye if you don't want to be present." Dr. James starts to say, only to be interrupted by Rachel.
"No. I want to be here. This has to be really scary for him and I'll be here for him the same way he has always been there for me." Rachel says as fresh tears fall from her eyes.
"He won't feel a think, and for what it's worth, your presence will be very soothing for him. He has calmed down considerable since you arrived." Dr. James says. "I'll be right back." She adds.
"I'm so sorry Bigs. I wish there was another way for Mommy to make things better for you." Rachel says as she caresses him. She jumps when the door to the exam room opens as Dr. James returns with two syringes. One filled with a pale yellow liquid and a second larger one filled with a blue liquid.
"Do you need us to move?" Quinn asks softly.
"No." Dr. James says as one of her assistants shaves his hind leg and looks for a vein.
Rachel feels Quinn's arm tighten around her and she turns to look at the blonde with a grateful look. "Thanks Quinn. I don't think I could go through this without you." Rachel says as she returns her eyes to Bigsby.
"Shh. I'll always be here for you whenever it's physically possible." Quinn says as she places a kiss on the top of Rachel's head.
"I'll be back in about a half hour." Dr. James says gently.
"Shh. Calm down, Bigs. It's okay. You can let go now. There's no need for you to fight anymore. You've been there for me for eight and half years, giving me your unconditional love and sharing your strength with me. Now it's my turn to return the favour. You've been the best friend I've had for as long as I can remember. You've loved me no matter what I do or say. You never cared how I dressed, or if I sang to loud. You never cared I wasn't the coolest kid. You've protected me from anything you could. I love you, Baby Boy. You and I have shared countless adventures, but this is one you'll have to go on your own. Don't worry though. You're a brave boy and you'll do just fine." Rachel says through her tears. Not once stopping her soft caresses.
"You've always been there for your mommy. You protected her and loved her when I couldn't. Thank you Bigsby. I know you'll continue to watch over her." Quinn says, still scratching him softly behind his ear
Michael kneels down and says his own good bye to the dog that has meant the world to his daughter.
Dr. James returns shortly and explains the process so Rachel and the others know what to expect. She lets Rachel know that they'll have his remains cremated and his ashes put in an urn if she wishes.
After talking it over with Michael, they agree that over the course of the weekend they'll drive to the cabin in they have in the woods and scatter his ashes in the lake, one of Bigsby's favourite spots and one that holds a lot of happy memories for Rachel.
A numb Rachel returns home, wrapped around the safety of Quinn's arms.
Michael quickly calls Judy and lets her know what is going on. Quinn will be staying with the Berrys for as long as Rachel needs it. She'll be joining the Berrys on their trip to the cabin when the time comes.
Quinn convinces an exhausted Rachel to take a nap. She quickly calls and tells Santana what has happened. Soon, Santana promises that if they show up for school the next day, they don't have to worry about a thing because she'll take care of anything and everything.
"Are you sure you want to go to school, Hon?" Michael asks. "A few days off won't affect your academic record at all if you need some time off." He adds gently.
"Yes, Daddy. I need to. Everything in this house reminds me of him. I can barely go into my room because he's slept there with me from the day we brought him home." Rachel says. "I'll probably be in the guest room until I can change things around." She adds.
Santana nearly takes Finn's head off when the boy makes one of his careless remarks while Quinn comforts a crying Rachel.
The next few days are a blur for Rachel. They're the hardest ever. Everything reminds her Bigsby. In the end, with Quinn, with Santana's help, rearrange the layout of Rachel's bedroom while Brittany takes Rachel out for a walk.
"Did you know that he was the one who chose me?" Rachel asks Brittany as they make their way to the park.
"No. How did he do that?" Brittany asks with a sad smile, as her own tears fall.
"When Dad and Daddy took me to the breeders to get him, I couldn't make up my mind. The breeder suggested I go down on my knees and call to the puppies and let them pick me instead. I did just that. Even though he was the smallest one in his litter, somehow he managed to make his way to me first. He literally leapt into my arms and it was love at first sight. Up until last Thursday, we were inseparable." Rachel says sadly. Tears once again welling in her eyes.
"He's still watching over you. I'm sure of it." Brittany says as she wraps her arm around Rachel.
They walk around the park, and make their way to the pond where they absently feed the ducks and talk some more. They only return after Brittany receives a text letting her know Quinn and Santana are done.
In the span of an hour, Quinn, Santana, Michael, and Daniel manage to change the look of Rachel's room completely. They're nervous about Rachel's reaction since they did it without her permission. Quinn knows Rachel won't mind. If anything, her girlfriend will be grateful she wasn't the one who had to do it because since the accident, Rachel hasn't been able to set foot in her room without breaking down in tears.
Brittany guides Rachel upstairs when they return to the house. As instructed, she makes sure Rachel goes in her own room, instead of the guest room.
"I hope this is okay, Baby. We can always rearrange things to your satisfaction if it isn't." Quinn says as she pulls Rachel for a hug and a kiss.
Rachel runs her eyes across the room. She still feels a pang of loss, but she appreciates their effort.
"It's fine. Thank you. I'm still not sure when I'll be able to come back in this room and feel as if part of my soul is missing. I know he was a dog, but…" Rachel starts to say, but she's quickly stopped by Quinn's soft fingers on her lips.
"No, Rachie. There's no such thing as just a dog. He was part of your family, and part of you. You mourn his loss in whatever way you need to and for as long as you need to. Don't let assholes like Finn tell you otherwise." Quinn says gently.
The others quickly and silently leave the girls alone. Aside from Rachel, Quinn was perhaps Bigsby's second favourite person in the world. Brittany always said that it was because he knew Rachel and Quinn are soul mates.
The coming week is touch and go for Rachel. Some days are better than others. She is still walking around numb, trying to make herself as busy as she can with school.
Will suggests postponing the presentation of Rachel and Quinn's song for a future date to be determined. When Finn starts to protest, a few glares from the others silence him. Santana and Puck make sure he gets a few slushie facials and ends up in a dumpster at least once a day.
The Berrys make plans with Judy to leave for the cabin they have in the woods. They leave in the middle of the week, making an exception about school because they know both girls need the time to deal without the pressure from the others. Judy makes sure to get any assignments early from their teachers, and Santana promises to take care of notes and other things. A few of their teachers think the Berrys are being overly indulgent and say so, but they stop after a glare from Sue Sylvester of all people.
The drive to the cabin is silent, with nothing more than Rachel's iPod filling the oppressing silence. Thankfully, the make great time, and they arrive shortly after midnight.
The girls quietly make their way to the room they will share for the entirety of their stay. Rachel seems to be drawing strength from Quinn now.
"Thanks Sweetie. I don't think I'd be able to deal without you by my side." Rachel says as they snuggle on the bed. "It feels so strange not having him draped on my side with his head on my tummy." Rachel says sadly.
"I don't know how you didn't manage to overheat being sandwiched between us at night." Quinn says with a chuckle.
They talk for a bit longer, before exhaustion finally takes its toll and Rachel falls asleep with Quinn spooning her.
The next day, they have a quiet ceremony by the lake before Rachel scatters Bigsby's ashes in the lake.
"I'll never forget you, my Baby Boy. Though it was the single most difficult decision I have had to make to date, I know it was the only one. You've given me nearly nine years of unconditional love. I know that it doesn't seem like it, but it's because I love you so much that I had to let go. I'll always remember you and you'll always be my knight in furry armour." Rachel says as fresh tears fall from her eyes. "I hope that you understand why I had to do what I did because I just couldn't allow you to suffer for my sake. I hope you forgive me because it seemed as if I didn't fight for you." Rachel adds.
"He knows, Baby. He knows you made the ultimate sacrifice out of your love for him. Don't ever doubt that." Quinn says softly, as she wraps her arms around Rachel from behind.
The next few days are spent with walks and talks about life with an over-protective Rottweiler. By the time they head back to Lima, Rachel, while still sad, manages to cope with the loss of her first pet.
"Do you regret getting him?" Puck asks as he joins the girls in the choir room the following Monday.
Quinn and Santana are about to murder him on the spot for asking such a question. They only stop from doing so because Rachel shakes her head with a sad smile on her face.
"No I don't. Bigsby taught me what unconditional love really is. No matter what kind of day I might have had, or if I had snapped at him, he was always happy to see me. He always welcomed me home wagging his entire body. He knew when I needed a hug because he would always nudge my arms so that I'd end up hugging him as he rested his head on my shoulder. He protected me whenever I needed to. I'll never regret loving him." Rachel says.
Rachel knows it's a work in progress. She knows she'll have good and bad days. She knows the most unexpected thing will trigger a bout of tears and above all, she knows she has the support of her fathers, her girlfriend, and her friends to help her cope.
The end.