Hey guys, I'm baaaaaacccccccccccckkkkkkkkk kkk! Lol! So I haven't seen any of season 10 yet, except 10x01 but I got a virus watching that so will not be live streaming again. Am having to make do with spoilers and YouTube videos till Jan when it airs in the UK, boooooo! My little story is set somewhere between Extreme Prejudice and Lost at Sea. PS I nearly died after seeing the TIVA convo in Shell Shock part 1!
Please please please read and review, enjoy xxx
The day started much the same as any other, a Marine had been found dead at his home address and the team had been dispatched to investigate. He had been stabbed and was currently being examined by Ducky and Jimmy in the living room. Whilst McGee and Ziva took photos and looked for evidence, Tony decided to check out the bedroom.
He looked around the bedroom, everything was neat and tidy, and nothing seemed out of place. There was only a few personal items, but he expected that of a marine, knowing how sparsely decorated Gibbs' house was, and he couldn't see any sign of a woman living there either, none of the telltale clutter.
Suddenly his eyes picked up a photo frame on the bedside table, noting a pretty young woman with her arms looped around the Private, obviously someone close to him if she was in his bedroom.
He could hear Ziva and McGee in the other room, still arguing about what they should get Abby for Christmas, he smiled when he heard Ziva mention concert tickets for a band he knew that Abby had already seen twice.
He lifted up the duvet cover on the Private's bed, not really expecting to find anything but you never know. As he moved the pillows an envelope dropped out, bearing no name or address. He took a photo of it then picked it up to see if there was anything on the other side, there wasn't. He catalogued the unbroken seal and then started to open it.
"Hmmm," he thought out loud, "and what do we have here?" he took great care not to damage the envelope too much as not to disturb any evidence there may be on it.
'Dear Jet,' it started, maybe that was the girl in the photo. He carried on reading.
'So I can't sleep, haven't been able to for days, stupid never-ending sandstorm makes it impossible, it's so damn loud. Been doing a lot of thinking lately, don't know why I'm writing this now as I know I will never find the courage to actually give it you, but somehow putting pen to paper always seems to help, especially if I'm writing to you.
I've come to the realisation that I am actually an A grade idiot, 100% the biggest idiot of all time, but its taken me until now to finally figure it out. I've ignored what had been obvious to me for so long, buried it, pushed it to the deepest recesses of my mind, but I can't do that any more, it hurts too damn much!
You see the thing is Jet, I have actually fallen in love with you, head over heels, butterflies in my stomach at the mere thought of you kinda thing, but now its too late to do anything about it.'
The first couple of paragraphs had Tony hooked, it was starting to sound a little bit too familiar. As he continued he moved over to the window so he could get a bit more light on the page.
'First and foremost you have always been and (hopefully) always will be my best friend. When you moved to DC, the first day I saw you at school I knew that we would click straight away and we did, total opposites from totally different backgrounds yet something about you just drew me to you. You have always been there with me, through the good and the bad, never asking anything in return, but knowing that I would always be there for you.
Our bond is so strong, built over so many years of trust, shared experiences, survival in the face of adversity, there is nothing the world has ever been able to throw at us that we haven't overcome together and come out stronger the other side.
I have so much to thank you for you know, you are the force that anchors me, keeps me grounded. Your influence has made me grow up a lot, be more considerate of others, compassionate, tolerant and passionate about everything I do. I am a better person because of you, and realising that makes me love you even more.
I have tried to date other girls, and you know the success I have had with that, but you don't know that recently it has been to try and take my mind off you. I know that sounds really shallow to say, and I'm not proud of it, but I think maybe I was testing my feelings for you, because now I realise I have never truly been in love before, because I know I have never ever felt like this. I can't keep dating random girls because all I ever do is compare them to you, knowing that they will never ever match up.'
As he read on, Tony started to feel nauseous; it was like the guy was in his head, giving him insight into his own behaviour. He moved back to the bed and slumped heavily down onto it, unable to stop reading he turned the page.
'Don't think that I'm forgetting the fact that I hurt you so badly once. I will never be able to erase the look of complete and utter betrayal in your eyes when you found out what I had done. But I will never be able to live with the guilt at the consequences my actions caused, and the pain you suffered because of me. We have never really talked about it since, and that is a constant regret that I have and it plagues me still to this day, maybe if we had then I wouldn't be in this situation now.
When you wrapped your car round a tree that night and almost died after we had fought, I felt like my life was over. Knowing that you might die hating me, never giving me the chance to explain why I had done it, I wanted to die myself. That month you were on the ventilator in ICU felt like a decade, I would have done anything, given anything to bring you back safe.
That whole time seemed like a blur to me, I felt like I couldn't function properly without you there by my side, but just as I was losing hope you woke up. You forgave me and everything went back to normal, but for me normal has never had the same meaning, because as you slept, I finally woke up to just how deeply I felt for you.'
The room was now spinning around Tony; he was instantly transported back to the time when he thought Ziva was lost to him in Somalia. He may as well have written the letter himself, every word verbatim for how he felt himself. The voices in the other room had faded out, there was now only him, this letter and his own thoughts.
'Now as I lay here thousands of miles away from you knowing that tomorrow I could die, I still can't tell you how I feel. Because you are with Ryan, I have lost my chance to be with you. Maybe it's selfish of me to think that I have the right to believe I could ever make you happy, but I swear to god I would have tried. I know he makes you happy, and seeing you happy makes me happy because that's all I ever wanted for you, I'm just gutted that it's not me that's putting that smile on your face.
And there he was, reminded of every emotion he had ever felt the entire time Ziva was with Ray, that conversation him and Ray had had in the men's room when he was going to tell Ziva he loved her. The punch in the gut he felt was as real now as it had been then.
So I will continue to be your best friend, be supportive of your relationship even though every time he kisses you another little piece of me dies inside. I will pretend that every time I see you I don't want to hold you in my arms and declare my undying love for you. I will take these feelings to the grave because I could never take the risk of telling you and having to see a look of pity in your eyes as you let me down gently, and seeing that look for every day after.
I figure that it's better to have you in my life as my friend than to tell you and lose you forever because that truly would be a fate worse than death.'
'And so while I pine away over here, you are over there in ignorant bliss of the craziness that circulates my brain, and in ignorant bliss you shall remain forever. The wind is dying down, so I'm gonna try and get some sleep, got a lot to do tomorrow and I need to try and focus.
Goodnight xxx'
Tony was in complete shock, rooted to his spot on the bed, so many thoughts now clashing in his head he wasn't sure how to process them all. Somewhere in the distance he could hear someone calling his name.
"Tony, Tony!" Ziva called from the living room, "are you ok in there?"
He snapped himself out of his reverie, brought himself back to reality with a thump. "What, yeah, I'm fine," he replied.
Ziva appeared at the door obviously not convinced by his answer. "Are you sure," she asked with a concerned look suddenly appearing on her face, "you look like you have seen a ghost!"
"Yeah I'm good," he tried to assure her, putting on his best fake smile, "just need to go to the van, left my evidence bags in there." With that Tony dropped the letter on the bed, and walked straight past her not daring to look her in the eye.
"Tony I have got….." Ziva tried offering him her own evidence bags but he had gone out of the door. She looked around the room, wondering what had got him so spooked, and then she spied the letter on the bed. Picking it up she scanned through it quickly and suddenly it dawned on her; she whipped her head round and stared after him in a mixture of shock and confusion.
Tony practically ran out of the door and down the path to where the MCRT van was parked in the street. He leant against it, allowing the cool breeze to circulate round him, trying to calm the flood of emotions now reawakened within him. He knew that had cared deeply for Ziva for such a long time, much more than he should have, but he had never dared think about the 'L' word until now, he realised that he did indeed love her, and it was like a right hook in the gut. So lost in his thoughts was he that he didn't hear Gibbs creep up behind him.
"Hey DiNozzo, you ok?" Gibbs asked, looking his agent over as Tony tried to collect his thoughts.
"Oh hey boss," Tony replied, jumping in the back of then van and beginning to rifle through drawers, "yeah I'm good, just forgot my evidence bags that's all, can't bag and tag if I aint got no bags, can I boss!"
"Uh huh," Gibbs grunted, "go on then, back to it, we gotta meet with Private Johnson's CO in an hour."
Tony jumped back out of the van, "on it boss," he replied, walking back towards the house with a fistful of bags. Gibbs watched him carefully, he had known Tony long enough to know when something was up, and something was definitely up.
As Tony walked back he spotted a girl in his periphery, sobbing hysterically, being comforted by another man. He recognised her from the photo in the Private's room, it must be Jet, and the man with her must be Ryan. God he hoped that Gibbs wouldn't make him do that interview, he didn't think he could cope with that at this minute in time.
Ziva spotted Tony as walked back in and made a move towards him. "Tony, I…." she started to say but Tony immediately cut her off.
"S'ok Ziva," he interjected, "I'm all sorted now, boss wants us to hurry up, places to go, people to see and all that." He saw that Ziva had bagged Private Johnson's letter and was now holding it by her side. He couldn't handle her questioning eyes right now so he walked off in the direction of the bedroom again.
"But Tony I…" she started to protest but Tony cut her off once again.
"Bagging and tagging Ziva," he shouted from the bedroom, "bagging and tagging."
Ziva sighed but left him for now, he obviously wasn't in the mood for talking and she didn't want to press the issue any further. She went into the bathroom and started to bag all of the evidence, her own mind suddenly full of questions and mixed emotions.
Tony carried on with his own jobs in the bedroom, sighing to himself, today was going to be a loooooong day!
As they all made their way back into the office from the elevator, the awkward silence that had descended over the day remained, McGee felt like an intruder in Tony and Ziva's bubble, but he sure as hell was not going to ask any questions.
All three of them dumped their bags beside their desks and sat down simultaneously, occupying themselves with their various allocated jobs. Ziva however was far from focused at the job in hand, she found herself peering over her monitor to look at her partner, who since he had found the Private's letter had been unable to look her in the eye.
She studied his face; he looked pensive, deep in thought, in a land far, far away. If she was honest she was scared, having read enough of the letter to know the general gist of it, why had it had such an effect on Tony, had he related it to himself…and her? Why else would he be avoiding her at all costs? She tried to shake that thought from her head but it wouldn't leave.
She needed to get the letter and read it properly, but before she could do anything Gibbs came striding into the office with it in his hand.
"Ziva, Private Johnson's best friend, Juliette Newbury, she's up in the conference room, I want you to go talk to her, see if she can shed any light on this," he ordered.
"Yes Gibbs," Ziva replied, walking round her desk and starting to head in the direction of the stairs.
"Ziva," Gibbs called after her, "you had better give her this."
He held the letter out in front of him, Ziva walked back to collect it, seeing Tony swallow nervously out of the corner of her eye. Now was her opportunity to read it quickly before giving it to Juliette, she had to know.
"Take some tissues too," Gibbs advised, "she's in a pretty bad place."
Ziva nodded, hoping that she wouldn't need the tissues for herself. She managed to sneak into the ladies room undetected, locked the door and began to read. How had she missed it the first time, Private Johnson was in love with Jet, that couldn't mean Tony had feelings for her could it? She slid down the wall until she was in a puddle on the floor, a stray tear escaping down her cheek.
She kept reading, in every line she found similarities between their lives, with each one another tear found its way down her cheek. But there were some that literally broke her heart it two. It was so sad; she didn't think she could cope with seeing Jet read it for herself.
As she finished she sighed loudly, maybe she was being presumptuous believing that Tony felt that way about her, but why couldn't he look at her? That had to mean something didn't it! How had she not seen it before, she suddenly felt so guilty, if he felt like that he must have been putting on a brave face for so long.
A sharp knock at the door broke her train of thought, quickly picking herself of she angrily swiped the tears from her face and put the letter back in the envelope. She made her way to the conference room, apologising to Diane from human resources who had been waiting patiently outside the door.
As she opened the conference room door she saw Juliette, face all red and puffy from crying.
"Hello Juliette, my name is Ziva," she introduced herself, "is it ok if I ask you a few questions?"
"Yeah that's fine, you can call me Jet," she sniffled as Ziva walked round the table and sat down next to her.
"Ok, Jet, I just wanted to say I am sorry for your loss," Ziva started, arranging her papers in front of her.
"Thank you," Jet replied, pouring herself a glass of water, "have you any idea who did this?"
"We are following many lines of enquiry at the moment," Ziva stated, trying not to give too much away. "How long had you known Private Johnson?"
"We met at high school," she replied, "we were both a little messed up, both kinda outcasts; maybe that's why we got on so well." Jet smiled, obviously remembering the time fondly.
"Is there anyone that you can think of that might have wanted to hurt him?" Ziva asked cautiously, not wanting to upset her again.
"God no," Jet squeaked, her voice breaking a little, "Jake was the nicest, most caring guy you could ever wish to meet; he would have done anything for anyone, and frequently did!"
"Had you and he ever…." Ziva knew from the letter that they hadn't but she still had to ask.
"No, we never had a relationship other than friends," Jet answered regretfully, "there was a time I thought that we could have been something more, I was sure that was where we were headed but he never made a move like I thought he would have. Then he went to Afghanistan and I met Ryan."
"How long have you been with Ryan?" Ziva questioned, fiddling with her pen.
"About 18 months," Jet replied, trying to do the maths in her head, "not long after Jake went out on his first tour."
"When was the last time you saw Jake?" Ziva asked.
"The day he got back from Afghanistan, I surprised him and picked him up from the base. We used to talk every day, even when he was over there, even if only for 2 minutes, I miss him so much already."
"I'm sorry to ask this but did Ryan have any problem with your relationship with Jake? Ziva asked carefully.
"Not that I know of," Jet sniffled and Ziva could see her eyes were watering again, "he understood how close we were, he never mentioned anything about it to me, why, do you think he had something to do with this?"
"I am not saying that Jet," Ziva tried to reassure her, "I just have to ask it's my job."
"Ok, I'm sorry I didn't mean to…." Jet apologised.
"It's ok. Jet," Ziva smiled. "Listen, I have something that I think Jake would have wanted you to have."
"What is it?" she asked as Ziva handed her the envelope.
"You should just," Ziva replied awkwardly, not really wanting to let on that she had read it. "We found it under his pillow."
The further Jet read through the letter, the more and more upset she became, tears silently rolling down her face, turning into a full on downpour and uncontrollable sobbing. By the time she had finished she was inconsolable.
"He's an idiot," she screamed, "I loved him too, more than life itself, why couldn't he just tell me!"
"I do not know," Ziva replied, "but it is obvious he never wanted to hurt you either way."
"Now it's too late, I can never put this right," Jet sobbed into her hands, "and now I have to deal with the fact that he was the best thing I never had, how could he ever think that I wouldn't love him back."
Ziva couldn't help it; she pulled Jet into a hug and held her there, stroking her hair as she desperately tried to hold onto her own tears, which were threatening to flow free.
Ziva stayed with her until she calmed down, listening as Jet recounted story after story about her life with Jake. She knew that she really needed talk to Tony, adamant that she would not find herself in the same situation that Jet now found herself in.
By the time she made it back down to the bullpen the sun had set, and Gibbs and Tony were nowhere to be found. She saw Jet to the elevator then walked back to her desk, slumping into her chair exhausted, both physically and mentally.
"You ok Ziva?" McGee asked, the concern evident in his voice.
"Today has been a long day McGee, I feel drained."
"Well while you were in with Jet, her boyfriend Ryan confessed to killing Private Johnson," McGee informed her, "he had been jealous of their relationship all along, and when he had read the letter that Jake had written, it was the final straw."
"Oh no," she sighed, she wasn't shocked but she had hoped that Jet wouldn't have to go through any more heartache than she already had. "Was it his fingerprints Abby found inside the envelope?"
"Yeah," McGee confirmed, "and as soon as Gibbs got him in interrogation he copped to it, didn't even want a lawyer."
"Speaking of Gibbs, where is he, and Tony for that matter?" she asked, sitting up and rubbing her forehead, hoping the alleviate some of the ache forming.
"Gibbs is in MTAC with Vance," McGee replied, turning off his monitors and lights and making a move to grab his bag, "he sent us all home, I was just waiting for you to see if you were ok."
"That is sweet Tim," Ziva smiled, also turning her equipment off and grabbing her bag and swinging it over her shoulder, "thank you, and I am fine."
"Ok then," McGee smiled back, "you wanna go bowling with me and Abby and Palmer?"
"Thank you for the offer but not tonight," Ziva declined graciously as they both walked towards the elevator, "I have something I need to do."
Tony was exactly where she thought he would be, in their favourite booth, of their favourite bar. She walked up to the bar and ordered herself a drink, then taking a deep breath she turned and walked towards Tony.
"You shouldn't drink alone," she stated matter-of-factly as she reached the booth, "it is depressing."
"I am not drinking alone," he replied, not even looking up to acknowledge her presence, "Jack is keeping me company."
Ziva looked confused for a second, then she realised that Tony was referring to his drink, Jack Daniels. He must feel bad if he was resorting to the hard stuff.
"Well…" she said, sliding into the booth next to him, "I do not want to drink alone, so you can keep me company."
"I'm not the best company tonight Ziva, I'm more depressing than drinking alone." He took another sip of his drink, still not looking at her, and then returned it to the table, sliding the ice cube in circles round the glass.
"Tony," Ziva started, but paused as Tony hung his head. She hadn't come all the way to the bar to chicken out now so she persevered, "I read Private Johnson's letter, why has it had such an effect on you?"
"You should know, I've had a couple of these," Tony avoided the question, tipping his drink in her direction for emphasis, "so if there's any questions that you don't wanna know the answer to…"
"I want to know Tony," she pleaded with him, "for someone who talks constantly, we very rarely talk about the things that matter to us, and I want to know!"
Tony couldn't answer her, instead playing with the glass in front of him, he wasn't sure he could lie to her convincingly.
"Tony," Ziva gently laid her hand over his, stilling the glass, "did you relate his letter, to you…and me?"
Tony felt a lump forming in his throat, maybe now was the time to finally suck it up and be honest with her, and he couldn't think of a good enough lie that would explain his behaviour either.
He took a deep, deep breath and sighed. "Pretty much every single line," he finally let out, not daring to look at her reaction, "I could have written that letter."
Ziva sat there, mouth open in shock, she hadn't expected him to so readily admit it. She was suddenly overcome with a wave of guilt, how could she have not realised? Too busy denying her own feelings to realise that Tony had been doing the same all along.
"So when Jet wrapped her car around a tree…" she started softly, studying his features intently.
"Somalia," Tony interjected, still not meeting her gaze, just watching her nervously out of the corner of his eye.
"And when she met Ryan…" she continued, her hand gently squeezing his in encouragement.
"Ray," he replied simply, half expecting Ziva to bolt at any moment, but she didn't. Ziva felt her heart skip a beat as Tony finally turned his head to look at her, his eyes finally meeting her gaze, the relief and anxiety both evident in his face.
He turned slightly in the booth to face her, "I thought maybe we could have had a chance a couple of years ago, but then Gibbs sent you to Miami and you met Ray and the rest, as they say, is history."
Ziva turned in the booth to mirror Tony's position, both unsure what to say next, a comfortable silence formed between them. Ziva brought her hand to rest on Tony's thigh as he laid his arm along the back of the booth beside her, his fingers absent-mindedly playing with one of her curls. They sat like that for a few minutes, oblivious to their surroundings, just gazing into each others eyes.
"Tony," Ziva finally broke the silence, "you have not lost your chance with me." Tony raised his eyebrows in shock and a little disbelief. "We have not lost our chance," she continued as she started to move closer to him.
Tony didn't know how to react; Ziva's last words had come as a bit of a shock to him. The hand that had been playing with Ziva's curls moved to cup her face as it was now only inches from his, so close he could feel her breath on his face.
Ziva frowned as he stopped her advance, now close enough to smell Tony's aftershave; she looked deeply into to his green eyes as they flickered between her eyes and her lips.
"If you kiss me," he whispered, his thumb gently tracing her cheekbone, "I can't go back Ziva, we can't undo this."
"I don't want to go back," she whispered without hesitation, "I want to go forward." With one final look into the depths of his eyes, she grabbed him by his tie and pulled him towards her, bringing her lips crashing down on his. Seven years of pent up emotions came bubbling up to the surface for both of them, threatening to spill over.
Ziva's hand dropped from Tony's tie and wound itself round his shoulders to play with the hair at the nape of his neck as his fingers tangled in her hair, resting on the back of her head, holding her close to him. She could taste the whisky on his lips as they caressed hers, so soft and gentle, yet tinged with a hint of desperation.
As they broke for air Ziva dared not open her eyes for fear it was a dream. She drew her bottom lip between her teeth, savouring the taste on Tony on it. Tony on seeing a single stray tear trickle down Ziva's cheek gently brushed it away with his thumb, causing Ziva to open her eyes.
"Ziva?" Tony breathed.
She flung her arms round him in a fierce hug, holding on as if he would slip through her fingers if she let go. He wrapped his arms around her, needing the reassurance as much as she did, both of them clinging on for dear life.
"It should not have taken today for us to get to this point," Ziva whispered into his ear.
Tony pulled her back so he could look at her, "no it shouldn't, but at least we have!" He then wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her into him, tucking her into his side. Ziva snuggled her head into the crook of his neck and wrapped her arms around his waist.
"At least now neither of us will have to ever feel how Jet feels right now," Tony continued, pulling Ziva closer, "at least we get our chance."
"Yes we do," Ziva smiled against his chest, closing her eyes and listening to the sound of his heartbeat. It felt natural, like they were supposed to have been holding each other like this all along.
"I don't wanna mess this up Ziva," Tony suddenly said sadly, kissing the top of her head.
Ziva pulled back so she could look him in the eyes. "We will not mess this up," she assured him softly, "we just have to not rush it, not put too much pressure on ourselves, and let things happen at a natural pace."
"Ok oh wise one," Tony quipped, making Ziva chuckle. "Sooooo what happens now," he asked, taking her hand in his, intertwining their fingers and rubbing circles on the back of her hand with his thumb.
"I think we should just keep this between us for now," Ziva thought out loud, "at least until we figure things out for ourselves."
"I think so too," Tony agreed, "and then we really should talk to Gibbs."
"He probably already knows," Ziva pondered, "he is Gibbs after all."
"And Gibbs knows everything," Tony conceded, tucking a stray curl behind Ziva's ear.
"He probably figured it out before we did," Ziva giggled, imagining Gibbs reaction when they told him.
"Oh I look forward to that conversation," Tony cringed, already feeling the force of the head slap he was sure he would incur. "Are you sure about this Ziva?" he asked, suddenly feeling very insecure about himself.
Ziva leaned forward and kissed Tony again, a quick yet deeply meaningful kiss on the lips, hoping to put his mind at ease. "I am sure Tony, I have never been more sure of anything in my life."
"Ok, I just…" Tony started but Ziva cut him off by placing a finger on his lips.
"How would you like to buy me dinner," she asked, changing the subject, "there is a lovely Italian round the corner if you fancy it?"
"You're on sweetcheeks," he smiled, "and maybe a movie later?"
"That would be lovely," Ziva replied, gathering her things and sliding out of the booth and making her way towards the door.
"I might even treat you to Pirates of the Caribbean if you're lucky," Tony grinned, holding the door open for her.
"Do you even like Pirates of the Caribbean?" Ziva asked, ducking under Tony's arm.
"You do," Tony replied, "and I'm feeling generous."
"Ok…" Ziva acquiesced before suddenly finding herself pulled into a shop doorway and Tony's lips on hers.
"What was that for," she giggled as he pulled her back onto the sidewalk and wrapped his arm around her shoulder.
"Just making sure you hadn't changed your mind," he grinned, "and I kinda like doing it."
Ziva mock punched him in the side and then wrapped her arm around his waist as they walked off down the pavement, determined to seize the day and never look back.
Hope you liked it xxxxx