People say that time heals all wounds. They want to believe that- no matter what may have happened between two people – given enough time it will all go away. Whether left untreated or not.
Me personally, I have a hard time believing in that. I have a hard time coming to terms with simply letting something go. Especially something that has never been apologized for, never properly put to rest. It sits with me never truly going away. With no true resolution how is time supposed to heal a wrong that has never been properly tended to?
And as I sit and talk to my husband I know that I have never believed that as strongly as I do in this moment. In this moment that he is trying to convince me that I need to let it all go. That I need to forget all that has gone wrong between me and his best friend.
"Come on Maddie, I don't see what the big deal is with any of this."
I sigh and shake my head. Nothing will ever shake my love for the man that is sitting in front of me with a saddened frustrated look on his face. But lord knows that I will continually question how someone who can be so smart can be without any common sense.
"John this isn't anything about what happened that night," I tell him for at least the tenth time during the conversation. My patience is wearing thin as I try to explain once more why I don't want to hang out with Randy Orton over the weekend.
"This is about him not apologizing, about him screaming in my face and walking in and out of our lives like nothing ever happened."
"That's just the way that he is Madison. Do you want him to change who he is? He's a good guy, we go back a long time. I can't just give that up. I won't choose between the two of you. It's not fair to me!"
I flinch at how loud his voice has gotten. Sometimes I forget that my docile, fun loving energetic husband is deep down extremely passionate and almost loyal to a fault. When he brings you into the fabric of his life and heart he won't just let go. That his temper is his worst flaw; and as hard as I am trying to not anger him, his temper is getting the better of him.
"John, honey I don't want to upset you. And there is no way that I am making you choose between me and Randy. I would not want to take that away from you. Your friendship is all yours. I just can't do it anymore. I know how Randy is. I know that he has a hard time admitting that he was wrong. I am not expecting him change, and I'm not asking him to. I just can't keep putting it aside. He crossed the line John. He practically threatened to hit me if he didn't get his way."
"He was drunk!"
"And he walked away the next day without an apology. It's been two months since I've seen him or talked to him. I can't keep going. I don't want to do it anymore. I've given him countless nights of long talks, endless support. I have given him all of who I am only to be treated like I don't matter. You won't ask him to change who he is, please don't ask me to change who I am baby," I say softly, almost pleadingly. I need him to hear me, to truly understand everything that I am feeling, to understand that my heart cannot take anymore heartbreak from Randy Orton.
"I need you both," John says softly, so softly that I strain to make out his words. And as he hangs his head I know that this is hurting him more than he will ever let on to me or Randy.
"Cena," I say with a smile in my voice and on my face. "You will always have us both. Tell him to come by if he wants to talk to me. I will try to work it out with him."
John looks up at me with a smile, not a surprised one but a satisfied one. I shake my head and laugh a bit. God help me if this man doesn't know just about everything of my character. He knows that I hate unresolved issues, and conflict. And he knows that I love him so dearly that I will have this extremely uncomfortable conversation with his friend to make sure that he is the happiest that he can be when he is home with me in my arms.
He drops a kiss on my head and straightens up. "I'm glad you said that because he's dropping by in a half hour."
I control the urge to roll my eyes and groan. I hate it when he does this to me and he knows it. I hate having company being sprung on me at the last possible second. But that is John. It is what he does. His spontaneous and impulsive nature always seems to override any other logical thought in his head.
Instead I nod and get up to change out of my sweat pants. Randy Orton may be my husband's best friend and spent many nights over at our house but for this moment I don't want to see him in sweat pants. I'll look my best when I put Randy Orton and his cocky attitude in his place.
It's that very reason that I get to the door first when I hear the doorbell go off. I don't want him distracted by John. I need him to hear everything that I have to say, I need him to feel all the anger and frustration that I want to unleash on him.
But when I open the door and see the shy smile of remorse and embarrassment my heart melts. The man that stands before me has been so much to me over the past two years. The marriage between John and I has had its very rough patches, and Randy always came to my aide. He was there to listen to me as I was there to listen to him.
Standing before me isn't the Randy Orton that yelled at me, that brought out pure ferocity in me. He isn't the man that jumped in my face with his hand raised like he wanted to truly hit me. He isn't the cocky, arrogant jerk that walked out of my house without saying a word to me or showing any sign of guilt.
Standing before me is the man that I have fallen in love with over two years. He is the man that found the way into the very recesses of my heart; even the parts that my husband has yet to reach. Here is the man that has held me as I cried and shared more of his life and heart with me than he had anyone else.
"Come on in Randall." I smile as I see the way the name makes him cringe. He's always hated that name, and I've known it. I love the way it rolls of my tongue though and I can't help but say it. The fact that it bothers him only serves as more of an incentive to keep on using it.
"Been a while," he tells me simply in that deep gravelly voice. I have always felt that he seems too polished for me to truly find him undeniable sexy but his voice has always made me slightly weak at the knees. "John's been keeping me away. It's not like him to do that. Finally told me to come on by today. What's going on with you lately?"
I nod and step aside to let him walk inside. My heart pounds in my chest as I look up into his intense stare. I can see somewhere deep inside that he has been worried about me in his own way. That although he knows he never apologized and set it right that he doesn't truly know how badly it had truly affected me.
"Yea- umm- let's go sit down we'll talk about it. Want something to drink before we get down to it?"
"If you have a cold bottle of water that would be great."
"It's only been a couple of months Randall, things haven't changed that much." I laugh as he hear him mutter some inaudible choice words towards me for calling him Randall once again.
"So what's up?" He asks me as I hand him his bottle of water and sit down.
I sigh and look at the floor. I can feel it already, the feeling of uneasiness is setting in and I know that I'm about to fight an uphill battle.
"I can't be around you anymore Randy. I can't keep going."
I don't look up, I can't handle his voice, his stare, the confused expression that he probably has on his face right now. But when he finally speaks I know that he thinks that I am completely out of mind. His voice is filled with confusion and irritability. It isn't what I need straight off the bat. It's hard enough to explain to someone who is willing to listen; but to Randy, I know that he won't be willing to accept any of it.
"What do you mean you can't keep going? What have I ever done to you to make you feel like you can't be around me?"
"Don't do that Randy. Don't sit here and act like you don't know. Two months we haven't talked. Two months without seeing each other. You know how and when it started."
"I already talked to John about that. It's been over and done with."
"Not for me," I say shaking my head still refusing to look up. I love this man to the very core of me and it's breaking me in half to talk to him like this. To sit here and tell him that his arrogance has cost us a friendship that I have thought of as perfect and true until recently.
"It hasn't been over for me. If you know anything about me Randy you know that already. You know that I can't just forget everything that happened. You talked to John but what about me?"
"I settled it with you two when I talked to John," he says it so matter of factly that I feel my anger begin to rise.
Forget feeling bad, being broken hearted or a little intimidated by his large frame. I may be slightly over five feet tall and he may be a good foot taller than me but this crap has got to stop. I am not the same as John; a half hearted apology to John is not the same as one to me. I don't want to hear that excuse one more time. I need him to humble himself long enough to apologize to me. A true apology to my face.
"No you did not settle it when you talked to John. I know how talks between you and John go, and I know that he'd forgive you of nearly everything. I am not John Randy. Look at me, do I look like John? You walked out of my house after a fight with me without saying sorry. You purposely decided that you wouldn't apologize to me. What was it too hard to do?"
As Randy shakes his head and leans back against the recliner I know that he thinks I'm just being irrational.
"I have let so many things slide Randy. So many fights, hurtful comments, all because I love you, I love our friendship." I get quiet as my feelings come to the surface. I have never said those words out loud to him.
I love my husband don't get me wrong. I love John Cena more than I can ever possibly describe. But there is an unbridled passion that comes along with seeing Randy Orton. Deep, raw desires to feel him wrapped around me and keep him close where I can love him in my own way from a distance.
"It took me a month and a half to get over the fact that you never called, never came by to apologized. I saw in your eyes the next day, you were sorry for what happened, you felt horrible. But you never called me. I know now that I'm not important enough to you, that I'm not ranked high enough in your long list of friends. It took me too long to get over to have you waltzing back in here like its all ok. I can't see you constantly and act like we're fine again."
A silence falls over us as he stares at the ceiling and I stare at the floor. There is so much that I want to see to him, that I need to say to him yet my tongue won't seem to work. My throat goes dry and it feels as if my mouth wants to swallow my tongue whole. How is that I can tell John almost everything that I'm feeling and I can't explain to Randy a fraction of what's going on inside of me?
"I know it was wrong to do," Randy finally says. "It's too late to apologize, so what do you want me to do?"
I stay quiet for a few more eerily still and silent moments before I counter his question. Truth is I don't want him to do anything. I want him to tell me that I mean something to him, that I mean too much to him for him to lose.
"Why didn't you call me? A simply apology and I would have kept you here," I say as I point to my heart.
"I didn't know what to say, didn't know that it was that big of a deal."
"Be honest Randall. I don't want sugar coated nonsense from you. Lay it out for me and I'll do the same for you," I tell him heatedly. The two of us we're so much alike Randy and I. No posturing, no beating around the bush, no nonsense.
"Alright," he says leaning forward on his knees. "You know how I am Maddie. You know that I don't just going around apologizing to anyone."
There it is what hurt me the most deep down. That to Randy I am simply nothing more than an anyone to him.
"I was ashamed of what I did to you, and to John. I've never done anything like that to a woman and for me to do it to you of all people. I was drunk and couldn't control what I was doing. I could barely look at you after that.
"The hurt and disappointment written all over your face, hidden in your eyes. I did that to you and I never thought I would. It killed me. So next day I talked to John. I wanted it so badly to be over that I just left it at that."
I shake my head and sigh. "Randy you know me better than that. I need an apology, a real resolution. You're right about one thing, it's too late for an apology. I need you to leave me alone now, I can't have you in my life."
"Why? Why is all of this so important to you?"
I stand up and walk over to him. His voice is getting louder now and it's only causing me to get angrier at him.
"Because as friends we should be able to respect each other. Because as friends we should care enough about each other to stand by each other through good and bad. Because I thought that you cared more about me than to just leave me stranded and hurt after one incident one night. I thought that we were special together."
"How do you mean?" All anger is gone from his voice and as I stare at his face I know that I've said too much. As much as I want him to know the full reason that I'm unable to let all of this go, I don't know what will happen once I admit to it.
"I love you Randy Orton."
He smiles at me, the first sign of any friendship between us since he walked through my front door. "I love you too Maddie."
"I've fallen in love with you Randy," I tell him quietly, laying my hand on his arm. "I think I fell in love with you that night that you got buzzed and talked to me till dawn. You just broke up with your girlfriend, you were lonely and upset-"
"I kissed you that night," he finishes my thought just as quietly.
Somehow the silence that has fallen between the two of us since my admission has become too valuable to be broken. There is something comforting us both in the knowledge that we aren't saying anything to each other and in turn can't hurt each other with any thoughtlessly spoken words.
"I finally let it all go, the feelings, the thoughts of 'what if we got together'. It took forever to get over the feeling of inferiority, that I wasn't good enough to have you do what was right to keep me around. I know now that even though I loved you with everything that I could, you just don't feel the same. I can't- I can't do it again," I manage to get out before my voice falters and fails me.
I stand before Randy strong and silent, no matter how strong the urge is to hug him and cry I won't give in. Randy has already cost me too much of my energy, my time. I won't spend more time worried over why I wasn't special enough, good enough. Tears will not fall from my eyes no matter how many build up in the back of my eyes fighting for release. I am going to go back to the strong independent woman that I was before Randy broke off pieces of me.
There is nothing more that I can do or say as Randy stands up and moves closer to me. He is a stubborn man that won't give in to anyone if he doesn't feel like it.
But he surprises me as he bends down and gives me a long searing kiss. One that seems to say that he has thought about all the "what if's" as I have. And as he continues to tease my mouth with his own he tells me the only way that he knows how that he has loved me as I loved him. But what I see when he finally breaks away is not what I expect.
He has a frown on his face that seems as if he is close to tears. And now the only thing I fear is that we have permanently closed the door on the chapter of our lives that we have shared together for so long. That with that one kiss he is saying goodbye to me and all that we shared. And even though I know that in some way we need to let go of what we had I can't seem to let him walk out of my arms that have somehow encircled his neck.
"I'm sorry, I was wrong, for everything, even now. I love you Madison Lee, I have loved you for the longest time, and I just never knew what to do about it. You and John, you are amazing together. It doesn't matter how much you fight with each other when you look at each other you get that wonderful twinkle in your eye. That sexy smirk on your face, and I knew that I could never make you do that. You are better off with him and I know that. I wanted to keep you as a friend. I love what you do for me, and how you are always there," he lets out a soft low chuckle. "At least you were there for me. You are so incredibly beautiful and sexy," he says in a soft low tone. God his gravelly voice is getting to me, the way he is looking at me with his icy blue eyes that aren't breaking in their intensity. All of it is slowly making me want to kiss him senseless just one more time.
"I never wanted to lose you that was the least of my intentions. I understand now though. You're right, we need to let go and I am not sure if I can do it either."
"What do you mean?" My voice is low; at least it's low enough that I hope he can't hear the tears that want to spring from my eyes that are hidden in my shaky tone.
"It has hurt me not hanging out these last two months just like it's hurt you. I don't want to hurt you anymore. I don't want to know that I'm the one that makes you the way you are right now. I'll leave you alone. Goodbye Maddie. I hope that we can get together again one day without all of this. I love you and I will miss you."
He places a soft kiss on my lips and walks away before I can say another word. And even though I'm sad and upset I smile at his retreating form. Randy Orton has finally apologized, finally given in to another person and empathized with someone else's views and feelings. Now if only I could do something about the fact that I feel my heart screaming, crying and breaking inside of me.
"Goodbye Randall," I whisper for what I feel like is the very last time. My lips are still tingling from his kiss, and even though my husband is waiting for me upstairs all I can see is Randy Orton and all I can feel is a large part of my life void and empty.
I smile and shake my head. This is it, the end of the unorthodox, overly close friendship between Randy and I. Sadness won't take over me though, not when I have a wonderful, caring man upstairs waiting and willing to do anything to make me smile.
I watch as Randy drives away before I head upstairs. All John needs to know is that Randy and I have worked out what we needed to, nothing more and nothing less.