My name is Katniss Everdeen. I am seventeen years old. I survived the Hunger Games twice. I killed Presidents' Snow and Coin. Gale is in District 2. I do not know where Peeta is. My mother is in District 4. Prim is dead…

Again, I try the therapy suggested to me so long ago in District 13. After I shot President Coin, I seem to find myself thinking this list, over and over, a depressing yet comforting lullaby, like "The Hanging Tree". It gets me through the days when I want to go to the cupboard in my kitchen when Greasy Sae's not here and take an overdose of the morphling. But whenever I have the urge to grab it and end my life quickly, I can't seem to open the cupboard. One, because of the lullaby. Two, because it brings memories of Madge giving it to us in the middle of the night, which is painful, and in turn brings memories of Cinna, Boggs, Finnick, Prim…

I can never seem to make it past her name. Whenever my brain makes a list of everyone I've killed, I can't get past Prim. Haymitch says I didn't really kill her. But I did, the minute I held out the berries in the first arena. I killed almost everyone I cared about, many more that I don't care about, and hijacked Peeta. He was beginning to get better, back to being the Peeta who loved me, but I haven't seen him since he voted against Coin not to hold another Hunger Games. I wish he was here. Even if he could see all that was bad about me, I wish he was here. I know Haymitch wants him here too. Peeta and I are the only living people he cares about.

I am sitting at the kitchen table, unaware of the time. Greasy Sae often tells me to go hunting, but I can't seem to bring myself to do it. I have to know where Peeta is. I have to know if he is safe. My senses are so dull that if I went into the woods, I would probably get eaten by wild dogs or cats. I will not go until I know where Peeta is. Even if he hates me, I still want to know if he's safe. If he hated me, I would find some way to kill myself. But until I know, I can do nothing. What if, by some miracle, he still wants me in his life? Who am I to take that away from him?

Greasy Sae's granddaughter comes bounding in the room and strikes up a conversation with Buttercup. The cat is my family now. I'm so glad I didn't drown him…

Greasy Sae comes in too. She brings dinner, and I take it and slurp it down without really tasting it. Effie would be appalled at how bad my manners have gotten. Effie is still in the Capitol. She can't remember hardly anything about the war, because the doctors found her in President Snow's dungeons, almost dead. By time they revived her, she hadn't remembered anything later than when Peeta and I won our first Hunger Games. But I am glad she is alive.

In the distance, I hear the train that brings Haymitch's liquor once a month, along with other provisions for the eight hundred who came back to District 12. The train means nothing for me except that Greasy Sae's meals will get noticeably better. Greasy Sae seems to realize this as well.

"Well now I can stop making food out of tree bark. But I still prefer wild dog", she says with a meaningful look at me. I know that she is suggesting I go hunting again. I make no indication that I heard her.

Greasy Sae calls her granddaughter, Aradia, and promises she'll be back tomorrow. I look at her as she leaves, feeling very lonely. I decide that I will go visit Haymitch and make sure that he has his alcohol.

I breathe in the fresh air, and the smell of a flower pierces my nostrils. The scent is perhaps not as strong as the scent on the mutts, but strong enough to make me gag. I turn my head towards the scent of roses, and I see the side of my house. A lone figure sits there, planting a bush of the flowers. I prepare to scream at the unknown figure when I realize why the scent is so muted. These are not roses. They are primroses, the plant my sister was named for.

A dry sob sticks in my throat, and I can't find my voice to thank whoever thought to do this for me. The person turns from the bush, and I am looking in to Peeta's eyes.