Final Fantasy VII: Starting Over
Anyone who has watched afternoon television knows this show, Starting Over, and how truly lame it is. But through that lameness, the infamous Beth; whom many people now know and love, had a brainstorm while half asleep while watching this horror one afternoon. So, here is the weird idea that I came up with! Final Fantasy VII: STARTING OVER!
Introducing the cast of people who want to START OVER, living in one house...
Cloud Strife: Who wants to graduate from Kindergarten while living in the house!
Tifa Lockheart: Who wants to be seen as more than her size twenty waist and her 34-triple G boobs and tight ass. She wants to be seen as her mind and personality.
Vincent Valentine: Who wants to stop being seen as a vampire and start being seen as a world famous poet and classical music composer.
Cid Highwind: Who wants to stop his HUGE addiction to nicotine and whiskey and start his life over, with a proposal to his girlfriend and maid, Shera.
Reno of the Turks: Who wants to stop his alcohol and smoking, gambling and sexing around habits left over from his days with Shin-Ra.
Sephiroth: Who wants to stop being seen as just some bad egomaniac bent on world domination or world destruction, he wants to be seen as some romantic person who loves long dinners over candle light and long walks on the beach at sunset.
Beth: The host and announcer of this whole thing. But don't think just because she is Sephiroth's sister she is going to let him get off easily! No, no, this is going to be tough! And they are all starting over!
(Very cheesy lame music right now!)
Beth: (voice over) Welcome to the starting over house, while each of our contestants are here, they have something that they would like to do to improve their lives or the lives of those they love, each one of them has a story to tell and we will get to know them each individually...
First, the men;
Cloud Alexander Strife-Megal was born in Nibelheim twenty one years ago, he was a mercenary for the world during the whole Sephiroth thing and he is a former private first class from SOLDIER, he now spends his time just relaxing in his mansion in Costa Del Sol but he can't get over the fact that he had never attended school before. What he learned to read and write and cipher, he learned on the streets. He could only count to twelve by learning craps before he was ten. I mean, come on, Nibelheim is a small, out of the way town, but at least you could have learned how to READ man, I mean, how dumb are you anyways? Dumber then a box of rocks? Dumber than a bag of hammers?
Cloud: (Cut to a dark red room with two chairs, Beth is in one, Cloud is in the other, they are doing an interview) Ah-hem?
Beth: Er... Sorry, Cloud, continuing on... Cloud Alexander Strife-Megel...
Cloud: Call me Cloud Strife please...
Beth: Okay, Cloud, you want to do what while living in this house?
Cloud: I would like to ultimately get a high school diploma and graduate college and...
Beth: (holds up her hands) Woah, woah there cowboy, this show only lasts for a few episodes a season, that would take YEARS!
Cloud: YEARS??? But I only have about seven months...
Beth: Very well then, why don't you take a baby step in that direction, start at a lower grade?
Cloud: I know... (thinks) KINDERGARTEN!
Beth: What?!
Cloud: Kindergarten, snack time, nap time and recess...
Beth: Cloud, you seem to be missing the point of the matter here...
Cloud: I am not, I want to graduate from kindergarten while in the house!
Beth: (sighs) Fine, I said a baby step and that is one god damn little baby step!
Cloud: Yep, but it's getting somewhere...
Beth: Thank you Cloud... now... (close up on Beth) Vincent Xerxes-Gladamire Valentine... he is forever a twenty seven year old man trapped in a body that is shared with four terribly demonic and blood thirsty creatures just waiting for the right time to come out and rip somebody to shreds... He has a dark presence about him, (Although I still think he is totally hot!)
Vincent: You and a million other girls...Call me Vincent... (smiles warmly for his fans)
Beth: (grabs camera) Photo Op! (Snaps picture) Continuing on... There is a good soul trapped somewhere in this mutilated body, mutilation was done by Hojo Labs Inc. Whenever you need someone you hate brutally killed, then brought back from the dead and mutilated, call Hojo Labs at 333-555-KILL! But enough about family endorsements... Vincent Valentine is tired of the world seeing him as a vampire and not liking him, when in fact he has a strong personality, and loves to compose and play music...
Vincent: That's right Beth, and while I am in the house I wish to get my foot in the door of the composing screen.
Beth: Very nice... anything else?
Vincent: I am a well written poet as well... so I wish to submit some of my poems for publishing...
Beth: Care to share one of them now?
Vincent: Sure I will... this one is called 'Night'...
Night comes soft and sweet...
Dear sleep sweeps me from my feet
The stars twinkle and sing to me
For the stars take away the pains that I see
The cool night air helps my soul
For those times I feel out of control...
The minutes before sleep are gentle and kind
The best time on Earth to listen to ones mind...
Beth: Wow, Vincent, that was amazing...
Vincent: That was just a snip-it of a poem I wrote... for most of my fan girls... I am, after all, so loved...
Beth: Yes, you are, and thank you... and now... (Close up of Beth again) Cid Eugene Highwind.... Former flight captain and head of the space program from Shin-Ra, he was suppose to be the first person in space, and Shin-Ra discontinued the space program when he aborted the launch because of one of his crew would have died, he is the owner of the Tiny Bronco and the airship the Highwind. But since Shin-Ra pulled the funds from the space program and left poor Cid here grounded for life (or so we all thought) Cid turned to whiskey and smoking for comfort...
Cid: (Cut to the interview room, with Beth and Cid) Yes Beth, an' cussin' although that is who makes me a' me! Damn Shin-Ra scum!
Beth: Yes, now, Cid... what do you want to have accomplished while living in the Starting Over House?
Cid: Well, I would like to attend some Alcoholic Self help meetings... 'n' start takin' better care o' myself...
Beth: Anything else that you would like to do after you get sobered up from your drinking and smoking?
Cid: Yes Ma'am... I would like to spend some money on some new clothes, a new haircut and a brand new wife....
Beth: Pardon?
Cid: I wan' ta propose ta my girlfriend 'n' love.... Shera! She's been behin' me all since tha' damn Shin-Ra took my dreams away! I ha' been so bad ta her aft'r I saved her life an' she sits 'round 'n' let's me do it!
Beth: Very well... You want to completely make over your life?
Cid: Yes!
Beth: Thank you Cid... now (close up on Beth yet again) Our next starting over male is...Reno of the Turks... He was borne Reno Trevor Valentino, Not to be confused with Vincent Valentine...He started life as a slum scum, living off the street and learning to survive, and after a life changing encounter with Tseng of the Turks that left him wounded, he quickly moved up from slum scum into the well payed role of Turks, (who is still scum.)
Reno: Hey!
Beth: While he was in the Turks, he turned to alcohol, smoking, gambling and sexing around to relieve his daily stresses of killing, kidnaping and other things that he did for his hard earned money...
Reno: You forgot paperwork, lots and lots of paperwork...and paper cuts, look at these hands!
Beth: So while he is in the house he would like to stop all these things and start living life all over again...
Reno: Can I start after I get to know you better toots? I mean, look at you, it's like you walked right out of my dreams and into my arms!
Beth: (blushing) So you do want to stop these things?
Reno: Yes, but I want to get to know you a little better too, Angel from the sky...
Beth: (blushing wildly) Okay, MOVING ON!!! (Close up on Beth again) Sephiroth.... (snicker) Rachel-Jean Hojo... (snickering) was one of twins born to Lucrecia and Dr. Joe Hojo, I being the other one of that LOVING family... ( remind me to send my bill to Sephiroth for thearpy!) But the ego manaic wants to be seen as a romantic person....
Sephiroth: (butting in) That's right sister dear... I like long dinners over candle light and walks along the beach at sunset, and classical music...
Beth: UGH! That's a side of my brother that I have never seen before!
Sephiroth: I have put those days beside me!
Beth: Don't you mean, I have put those days BEHIND me?
Sephiroth: Yes... (not really, I keep them beside me just incase)
Beth: So you want to become more romantic?
Sephiroth: And find a girlfriend to shower with affections...
Beth: Okay... moving on yet again... the last one of our group... and the only female... Tifa Rojean Lockheart... she grew up with Cloud and they stayed together until Cloud ran off... now Tifa has a double Masters in both Micro sciences and Marine Biology, but nobody notices because she is by far one of the most shapely and.... and....
Tifa: Big boobed?
Beth: Well endoweled female in most of our memories...
Tifa: I want to make sure that I can get a good job as a Marine biologist and nobody worry about my sizes and how I look while I am in the house!
Beth: Very nice... You will do that I am sure...
Tifa: Yes, I hope I will!
Beth: (cut to the house) Earlier today, we set up some cameras to show the faces of our guests when they arrived at the house and saw who else they would be staying with...
(Cuts to the film)
(A bus pulls up)
Cloud: (walking out of the bus) this aught to be interesting... I have never lived in such a nice house before...
Beth: Welcome Cloud!
Cloud: Thank you! Where is everyone else?
Beth: They will be here, your room... (Beth points) Right up the stairs.
Cloud: (runs upstairs) HEY! There is only ONE ROOM UP HERE!
Beth: Is there?
Cloud: And there are... one... two... three... THREE BEDS!
Beth: Imagine that...
Vincent: (walks into the house) Hey Beth! (hugs Beth)
Beth: (warm smile) I'm a lucky, lucky Vincent Valentine fan right now...
Vincent: Where's my room?
Beth: Upstairs.
Cloud: (From Upstairs) DON'T COME UP THERE'S ONLY THREE BEDS!
Vincent: Three beds? And how many people are gonna be living here?
Beth: There's another room over there, (points)
Vincent: I'll take that room... (walks over towards the door)
Beth: Share a room with Cloud and Tifa and Cid or... Sephiroth and Reno...
Vincent: Sephiroth and Reno. (Walks off to his room)
Cloud: (At the top of the stairs) YES! I GET TO STAY WITH TIFA!!!!!! AAAAAAA!!!!! (falls down the stairs)
Tifa: Hey Beth! (Kisses her on the cheek) How are you?
Beth: Good, you'll be rooming with Cloud and Cid.
Cid: (walking in) Great!
Reno: (grabs Beth and dips her) Hello cutie...
Beth: (blushing)
Reno: (kisses her)
Sephiroth: Drop her! (Pushes his sword to Reno's back) NOW!
Reno: (drops Beth)
Beth: AH! Sephiroth!
Sephiroth: WHAT???
Beth: You are suppose to be STARTING OVER!
(Cheesy theme music)
(How is it? It's suppose to be lame and cheesy and funny...)