Hello. This is my very first avengers fic and I have no idea how I did with characterization and so on, so I apologize if it's OOC. Also I'm not educated in the medical field so I apologize for the wrongs I did when it comes to the medical part.
WARNINGS: There are Self harm, gore, rape and bullying mentioned it this fic. If you find this triggering then please keep this in mind before you begin to reed this.
Disclaimer: I own nothing and I make no money while writing this.
Peel the Pain Away
It had been almost three months since Loki's attack on earth, a time Tony had mostly spent pissed off on that little shit. Odin had decided that the best punishment for Loki was for him to make amends for his actions against earth, on earth. Stripped of his magic and god status Loki had been sent back to earth and to make sure no one killed the bastard he had been placed in the Avengers' care.
Tony had first been surprised on how sorry Loki actually seemed for his action, he even apologized in a television aired press conference, but then Clint pointed out that he probably only tried to worm his way into the public's hearts and would then proceed to stab them in the back. Luckily Loki's tried hadn't worked, he was still one of the most hated persons on earth.
After his failed attempt to apologize Loki had more or less locked himself in his room, doing whatever. Tony didn't even know what a super villain did in his spare time, except evil plotting of course. But since Tony had ordered JARVIS to tell them as soon as Loki did something even remotely out of line Tony wasn't worried. The guy didn't have his magic any more and considering he was locked in his room every night what could the little shit really do. Glare them to death?
Steve had expressed some concerns regarding Loki's eating habits, close to nonexistent, and Loki's almost shy behaviour -really Steve? Shy. He's spitting insults in our faces as often as he can- but all of his worries had been put down to Steve having the biggest heart in the entire universe.
Now however, as JARVIS alerted Tony of suspicious behaviour in Loki, Tony dearly wished that he had taken Steve's concerns seriously.
WIth a sigh Tony muted the TV and rose from the sofa.
"What's up Jarv?" He asked the A.I. and stretched his arms over his head.
"Loki has gotten hold of a knife Sir." The monotone voice answered from somewhere in the ceiling.
"A knife? Is he dangerous?"
"It appears not Sir"
Tony nodded and began making his way over to Loki's room. On his way he passed Steve by a window, sketching something in his sketch book. The two exchange a nod in greetings and Tony shortly pondered on whether to bring Steve with him or not but decided against. He had his homing braces after all.
As he arrived at Loki's door he knocked and leaned back against the door frame. When there was no answer after a minute Tony knocked again, harding this time.
"Hey goat horns, can I come in or what?" He called, annoyed.
He was just about to turn away and let someone else deal with Loki when a choked sob was heard from inside Loki's room. Tony froze and frowned. Had he really hear that? Curiously Tony felt the handle and found it unlocked. He opened the door and cautiously pushed the door open, expecting the knife Loki had gotten hold of to come flying through the air any second.
When no knife came Tony entered the room and was shocked into a stop by the sight in front of him. Upon the bed sat Loki, or so he thought, because the person on the bed was blue from top to toe with blood red eyes that seemed glow in the dim light.
When the person turned his head towards Tony he saw that it was indeed Loki, the same features, posters and hair but instead of the usual smooth skin he usually wore he was covered in dark blue lines all over his face, arms and naked chest. Big crocodile tears was spilling from the red eyes and the oh so thin shoulders were shaking.
Tony's eyes searched the room for an explanation to why and how? His eyes landed on the knife in Loki's right hand and its blood red tip and then on the lines on Loki's left forearm, stretching from his elbow to the fingertips.
Both Loki and Tony seemed frozen in space and time, he wasn't even sure that they were even breathing anymore.
Tony suddenly took a deep breath and asked, voice no more than a whisper. "Loki?"
Another sob escaped Loki's lips and with a cracked voice he proclaimed. "I'm doing it. Making amends for my actions." He smiled shakily and dropped the knife. "I'm destroying the monster."
"What?" Tony forced from his lips. Not at all understanding how Loki's actions and appearance connected with his words.
Loki moved his right hand over to the cuts in his left arm and with a strangled cry he began peeling the blue skin away from his arm.
Tony snapped out of his paralyzed state and within no time he was next to Loki, taking hold of his arm to stop him from causing himself more harm. But as soon as his skin made contact with Loki's searing cold pain shoot up his arm and he was forced to pull back.
"Loki stop!" He commanded, the desperation and uselessness he felt was clearly heard in his voice.
"NO!" Loki screamed, still ripping the skin from his own body. "NO! When the monster is gone Father will be proud. He said so himself." Loki let out a panicked giggle. "Make amends Loki. Make me proud." He quoted and with a final tug he ripped the strip of skin free from his arm.
By now Tony could do nothing else but watch. He wanted nothing more than to move away, run away from this situation and hide under his bed, pretend that this was not happening but his body was not responding.
"He will tell me he loves me when the monster is gone!" Loki continued and once again dug his nails in his skin to rip away more of himself. "I will be loved. Everyone will befriend me! And when the warriors three and lady Sif ask I will tell them. I will tell them that no one wants to be their friend!" Loki let out a manic laugh, tears pouring in a steady stream from his eyes.
"They will like me!" He shouted at Tony. "They will appreciate everything I do for them! How I save their life and how I take blame for their actions. They will see how I'm equal to Thor!" He suddenly turned his eyes toward the mirror next to the wardrobe in the room.
"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!" He hurled the alarm clock on the bedside table towards his own reflection. The mirror shattered in a million pieces and Loki let out a childish squee of glee. But this was so wrong, squees were supposed to bring joy into the world. Not shatter Tony's heart.
"If it wasn't for you nothing of this would have happened." Loki continued to scream at the broken mirror. "Without you I would have been loved. I would have been worthy of the throne. No one would have laughed behind my back. No one would have mocked me for not being like they were! I would have been an Æsir without you! Without you I would have been Thor's brother!"
Tony could feel tears running down his own face. How had Loki become like this? Had he felt like this all the time. How had he not noticed this? How could Loki have hidden all this pain inside himself? For how long had he felt like this?
"Loki, please stop." Tony pleaded.
"Do you not understand Stark? I would have been strong and great with the sword if it not for the frost giants. I would have been respected and no one would make jest on my behalf! I would not have possessed my magic. I would not have been seen as a woman!" Loki stopped after this outburst, his strength lost.
"No one would have touched me like one touches a woman." He continued but his voice was small now, more pained and less manic. He has stopped trying to skin himself and was no scrubbing at his arms as if he was unclean.
"No one would have touched me. I would still be pure. I wouldn't have been forced to carry the child of another against my will. Father wouldn't have taken my children away from me. I wouldn't have been the laughing stock of Asgard."
Tony watched in silence as Loki's scrubbing turned into tearing his skin with his nails all while he continued to chant 'no' over and over again. After a while the scratching centered around Loki's abdomen.
"I will no longer be a woman." Loki stated, almost calmly, and Tony saw in horror as Loki reached for the knife once again. What was Loki going to do? Thor had told them all of Loki's many children he presumably would have birthed but Tony had assumed that his ability to give birth was connected with his shapeshifting abilities.
As Loki lifted the knife and looked down at his bloody abdomen, right where the uterus would have been on a woman, things clicked in Tony's brain. He sprung into action, grabbing the blanket laying on the floor next to Loki's bed and throwing himself on top of Loki, the blanked working as protection from Loki's frost biting skin.
He straddled Loki and slammed his right hand against the headboard, hard enough to make Loki drop the knife. Loki immediately began struggling under him, legs kicking and arms flailing while he was screaming from the top of his lungs at Tony.
"LET GO OF ME YOU FILTHY MORTAL!" He spat in Tony's face and reach over to try and bite one of Tony's arms.
"Loki stop!" Tony ordered, struggling to maintain the grip he had on the god's wrists. Despite the bloodloss Loki was still strong enough to almost toss Tony off him. The god continued his attempt to toss Tony off, bucking his hips and twisting wildly.
"Sir, should I call the others?" JARVIS asked, making Tony's head snap up and, taking advantage of the minute distraction, Loki managed to force one hand free and reached for the knife once again.
"Oh fuck. Yes for god's sake Jarv. Tell Banner to bring a sedative or something!" Tony shouted, trying to grab hold of Loki's wrist again. The blanked was now stained deep red from the blood flowing from Loki's wrist and cuts.
"Loki please stop." Tony tried again when he had gotten hold of Loki once again. The ex god's struggle had weakened now and Tony could easily hold him in place.
"I have to do this!" Loki pleaded, tears forming in his eyes. "You don't understand." He made another attempt to toss Tony off. When that fail Loki began crying, shaking with violent sobs.
Feeling sorry for the blue mess underneath him Tony loosened his grip on Loki's wrist a fraction. Still strong enough to keep him in place but not strong enough to hurt, which he believes his grip did before.
At that moment the door slammed open and the rest of the team entered, all in battle position. Steve went first, arms raised in a defensive pose, followed by Clint and Natasha, both with their weapons ready. Bruce entered last, carrying what looked like a large first aid kit.
"Tony?" Steve asked when he had surveyed the situation. The shock on his face is obvious and Tony almost felt like laughing, because honestly, how did one interpret a situation like this correctly. It probably looked like Tony was the one attacking Loki.
"Help me you JACKASSES!" Tony hissed, glaring at the group of dumbfounded superheroes. At Tony's outburst Loki seemed to become aware of his surroundings again and with new found strength he pushed Tony away and off the bed.
With a whelp Tony landed on his back and out off the corner of his eye he could see Steve and Clint rush forwards to restrain Loki.
"Don't touch the blue." He forced out between his attempts to regain his breath. Natasha suddenly appeared by his side and helped him up. As he rose he saw Clint and Steve hold a trashing Loki by a wrist each, both of them wearing slightly horrified expressions.
"Let me go petty mortals! I have to destroy the monster!" Loki cry out, kicking wildly with both legs. Steve and Clint then seized a leg each, forcing the god to stay still so Bruce could sedate him. The position he was forced into however made him very exposed and vulnerable and Tony could only watch as a different kind of panic took hold of Loki.
"NO! Nononono. Let me go. Stop!"
Not being able to take any more Tony fled the room, wanting to erase the last quarter from his memory, hell even from time itself. No sooner than he had left the room a wave of nausea hit him and it was just sheer luck that he managed to get all the way to the sink before he threw up.
It was with sadness Tony watched Loki sleep in the makeshift hospital bed. Had someone told him this morning he would be feeling sorry, so very sorry, for the ex god he would have laughed so hard he'd probably end up in a hospital himself but now...
Now he couldn't even look at Loki without hearing the words that had been screamed. I will be loved. I'm destroying the monster. I would have been Thor's brother. How had it come to this? Thor always spoke of Loki as if he had been happy and then suddenly turned evil out of the blue. Had he not seen how much Loki had suffered? And how had Loki not snapped earlier?
Bruce walked up to his side and fiddled with the sleeves of his shirt for a second before Tony spoke up.
"How is he?"
Bruce took a deep breath and removed his glasses. "He will survive, although he has lost a large amount of blood. The cuts will heal with some minor scarring but-" He broke off and swallowed. "But the part of his arm where there is no skin will, it will not be pretty. It will take months before it's healed properly and there will be a lot of scarred tissue. He may possibly need surgery in the future to regain full use of his arm."
Tony slowly nodded and the two stood in silence, just watching the sleeping ex god on the bed. He seemed so small and vulnerable now, so much younger. The sheets seemed to almost swallow him and the fluorescent light made his already pale skin close to translucent. Is left arm was bandaged all the way up to his shoulder and Tony had been told that his abdomen was also wrapped and plastered.
"What happened?" Bruce asked suddenly, his eyes still fixed on Loki.
"I don't know." Tony sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "He said he would destroy the monster and wouldn't stop talking about how everyone would like him when the monster was gone." He paused and rubbed his face with his hands. "You can't imagine what he's been through. He was bullied his whole life by everyone, and I don't think he's ever had a friend. I mean, that's enough to mess anyone up. He also saved the life of the people bullying him and took the blame for things they had done and he was never shown any appreciation. God the kid was raped. And several times by the sound of it. And all those stories about his children, they are true and his own father took them away from him. And then there's the whole monster business which I don't understand a single thing of."
Bruce was looking intently at his feet, fingering on his glasses and shifting a bit. With a sniff he looked up towards Loki again.
"I guess you can't really blame him for turning out the way he did." He stated after a minute of silence.
"No. I guess not."
The two stayed there, watching the sleeping form on the bed, as time dragged on, not even pausing for a second to observe how a once supervillain turned into a broken child in the eyes of earth's mightiest defenders.
So far this story is a one-shot but I might consider continuing it if there is interest and if I find the time.
Reviews are lovely and very much appreciated :)
Love
/Phin