I have never imagined how hard it would be. Yeah, for Bella's sake, I would advice her to keep away from me as far as she can. But for mine, leaving Bella is just a simple one-action act for me -- tearing my heart apart. COMPLETELY.
How could I describe my days after leaving my all-time heartthrob? Also simple. DEAD. I couldn't close my eyes. I couldn't think anything. Or I will leave this living hell immediately and run as fast as I could to meet my Bella. Her inviting scent, her warm hands, her clear, deep and brown eyes -- the only thing I can do to keep away from thoughts about her is being mindless.
Bella Swan is my LIFE. I knew how difficult would my life be if I leave her, but either I could risk her life with my abnormalness. Obviously I'm a vampire and she is a human. I fed on her species, no matter I am a vegetarian of vampires, this is a fact, and this is my and my family's natural instinct.
Which make things more unbearable is that I couldn't cheat. Starting from the very first day, I knew that I couldn't even sneak out a bit of her mind by my special ability. I'm desperate to know what she is thinking now. I'm such a lame duck. I leave for her safety. I wanted to give her normal life back. I said it would like that I've never existed. But I just couldn't be as selfless as I claimed. I took away all her Edward Cullen-related stuff from its own belonging places, but I just kept them in the Swan house. I want her to forget me and find guys other than vampires. Dating normally, at least doing anything she wants without any boundaries. Kissing people as passionately as she wants, Having ...
Dammit. Not now. Not thinking this now. I can already imagine myself to tear that unlucky guy's throat who dares to touch Bella.
I stared at my ill-pale, large palms. No traces of blue-colored veins, no pores and hair, not human. Unlike Bella's radiant hands. She owns a life and she deserves it. This is my reason for not turning my human soul mate into an immortal. I know how disgusting my species is. She might risk for me but I don't want Bella's regret. And I just couldn't send her to an endless hell without her serious consideration -- what if she doesn't love me anymore? What if she wants back her human life? I could give her immortal, but I couldn't take it back. How could I let my love becoming a monster like me?
I am facing a dilemma, which also implies that I have to choose either one way of two. Bite her, or stay away from her. Now I have already chosen my path, I shouldn't and couldn't go back now. I should block all my mind about HER.
It's never an easy thing to carry out. I knew this fact much better than any people or vampires in the world -- If I could dream, I would dream of Bella Swan. If I got any cells, each of them would be yelling her name. If my heart could beat, it would beat with the same frequency of hers. She could have other alternatives of men in her life, not for me. There would be no another soul mate for me. The one have already appeared, and obviously her name is Bella Swan.
Laying on a nameless meadow, I glared at the full, white moon. The moonlight is too bright, it shaded the stars and make tonight became a starless night. I'm puzzled. Where am I? Probably a country in East Europe. I just caught on a plane without knowing its destination couple days ago. And I'm here, without knowing what am I doing. No phones. No strangers. I didn't need to pretend an I-am-fine face to my family or other people or vampires. I'm definitely not fine.
"You are indestructible." I remembered her voice at that time. Usually soft and clear, but a little bit of unease.
No, Bella, I am not. My answer unchanged. I keep doing stupid things after I've met you. No matter I'm with you or not, I'm still doing them. And the dumb level keeps rising. Such as leaving you.
She would be safe if I'm not around. It's all I wanted for. I'm too dangerous.
I breathe deeply. I imagined myself inhaling the air with her scent. She is still breathing, we are breathing in the same world. Enough, it's enough for me. I could survive then, by knowing this. She lives. I survive.
Vice versa.