DISCLAIMER: I do not own Dragon Age II. I wish I did own Isabela though...
I think...my literary muse is kind of back. But don't trust me fully :P. Anyways, I tried my hand at a humorous one shot. Let me know what you think and I'll write more if you request!
(OH and Hawke's first name is Sapphira if you get confused. Which shouldn't happen, meow :P)
"So, you're going to make me drink liquefied amethysts ?" Isabela asked Hawke in disbelief.
Hawke shrugged. "I am not forcing you, I am merely suggesting you should take the first sip before any of us since your resilience to alcohol is the best."
Varric had gone to Dark town earlier that day and had stumbled upon this precious bottle of wine from a desperate elf, who wanted a few extra coins to spend on a 'treasure of a lady' at the Blooming Rose. The dwarven rogue had spent 2 sovereigns for the bottle of violet wine that had the peculiar name of 'The True Color of the Keeper's Whispering Eye'. Varric, at first, wanted to share the drink with just Isabela but decided that it would be more fun to have more friends added to their company.
So here they were; Aveline, Varric, Hawke, and Isabela at the Hanged Man. Varric had insisted Merril not be invited just in case she became curious and would ask them what a 'whispering eye' was. Also, the last thing he wanted to do was explain the meaning to Merril and have the young elf not be able to look at her Keeper in the same, innocent light ever again.
Isabela turned in her chair and stared incredulously at Hawke with her glowing honey-golden eyes. "This could be poison for all we know and you're volunteering me to walk the plank first."
Sapphira Hawke smiled uneasily and ran a gauntleted hand through her thick, flowing raven hair. She carefully adjusted her shining, silver armor while she gathered her thoughts. Her sapphire eyes glistened with mischievousness as she gave Isabela an alluring smile to give the pirate confidence. "Or, we can always invite Merril and have her try it in your stead."
Varric and Aveline, who sat across from the pirate and the Fereldan warrior, could feel their jaws drop to the table at Hawke's out-of-character suggestion. "Wait, you can't feed Daisy that stuff." The dwarf argued, leaning forward in his chair.
"Merril may be a dangerous blood mage but I'd rather have the naive elf healthy and have this big-breasted whore take the hit first." Aveline smiled smugly as Isabela shot the Captain of the Guard an astonished glare.
"Aveline is the expendable one. Honestly, how hard can it be for us to find another sword brandishing, shield wielding qunari with red hair?" Isabela shot back at the burly, female soldier.
Aveline opened her mouth to argue back but Varric stepped in between the two. "Come on, Rivaini, you're always talking about how good life is as long as there's booty and booze to be had. We can't offer you a good lay, besides Hawke, but this is supposed to be the wine of the century." Varric said through an unreadable grin.
Isabela couldn't believe this unexpected mutiny from her fellow friends. Well, she expected it from Aveline since the female battering ram was probably jealous of her feminine beauty but she didn't expect it from Varric and least of all; Hawke. Hawke, the woman with eyes like sparkling sapphire gems, absorbing the heat of the sun. The pirate and Sapphira had made it to bed together a few (well, actually many) times and they both gave each other pleasant memories to hold onto so Isabela felt that for all the times she had allowed Hawke to have her on her back (despite Isabela's rule that she always be on top for such activities), the warrior could at least be on her side. The pirate focused her gleaming, gilded eyes onto the oblong bottle, and its thick, purple honey-like content. "Fine! Let's see what the Keeper tastes like between her legs then." Isabela growled as she poured herself a shot and downed the contents within seconds.
Aveline, Varric, and Sapphira all stared intently at Isabela as the pirate sat silent and motionless in her chair. "Well?" Varric asked.
Isabela gulped and slowly closed her eyes and a satisfied smile spread across her luscious lips. "If I had known the keeper could taste this sweet, I would have dove between her thighs the first time we went to see her." Isabela opened her eyes and smiled deviously at her friends.
Hawke tried to hide an amused smile and Aveline threw her head back against the back of her chair and stopped herself from vomiting while Varric laughed heartily and poured himself a glass of the plum-colored wine. "Rivaini, you sure as hell wasn't lying this time. The keeper has the sweetest juices I have ever tasted. I hope Bianca doesn't hear me saying that." Varric laughed raucously.
Isabela giggled and offered to pour Hawke and Aveline a glass but the two refused, which made the pirate shrug and pour herself another glass instead. "You two are missing out on all the fun, you know." Isabela turned to face Hawke and the warrior gazed serenely back at the tanned woman. "If you think I taste good, you really need to let your tongue have a taste of this forbidden fruit." Isabela said through a sly smile as she seductively raised her shot glass to her lips and let her tongue guide the flourescent, violet liquid down into her mouth.
Hawke studied Isabela's tongue and gave the pirate a wink. "Don't wear yourself out on tasting the keeper; we still have a whole night to burn away together."
"Oh, I love it when you talk like that-" Isabela was cut off from her purring when a bright, high-pitched voice cut through the dank and crowded bar.
"OH, is this plum juice! I have been wanting plum juice but I just couldn't find any for a reasonable price at the market, you know how they are there. Oh, I meant to say hello first. May I take a sip of this?"A chirpy Merril asked as she picked up the bottle and swirled the contents around and became entranced at how beautiful the liquid was when held up to the light.
Isabela, Hawke, Varric, and Aveline all felt their stomachs sink to the floor as they turned to face Merril, who was already bringing the bottle to her lips. "Daisy, it's not juice!" Varric cried out but the elf had already taken a modest swig and she wiped her lips with the back of her slender hand.
The group watched Merril intently as the elf swayed in her place. She took in a sharp breath and then took another sip of the bottle, which made everyone cringe with fear of what the liquid could do to the elf's alcohol-deprived body. "H-how do you feel, Kitten?" Isabela asked Merril as the pirate slowly got up from her seat, ready to catch the elf lest she lose her balance.
The elf hiccupped and shifted from one foot to another and placed the bottle precariously near the edge of the table and then proceeded to stare suspiciously at it. "Merril, are you okay?" Hawke asked softly.
"I-I feels jusht fine, oh I feels likes I was spun arounds a few times." Merril blinked only one eye while her other eye began to twitch at the corner.
"Oh, Andraste's ass, she's already drunk." Varric proclaimed the obvious as he rushed to her side.
"You meant to say Andraste's whispering eye?" Isabela winked playfully at Varric.
"Rivaini, I've seen your hands dart faster than the speed of light before. You could have prevented Daisy from getting her hands on the bottle."
"My hands only work that fast during a fight or to take someone's coin, cheating at cards, or when a quickie is in order. I barely had time to think before Kitten took the bottle and drank a good share of that purple milk."
"Maybe you should sit down, Daisy." Varric placed a strong hand on Merril's arm, trying to gently guide her to the nearest seat.
Merril hobbled on her unsteady legs as her eyes began to blink and twitch in an extremely humorous fashion. "I feel like she's attempting to flutter her eyelashes at me. Make her stop." Aveline said as she shifted uncomfortably in her seat.
"Don't worry, big girl, Kitten knows better than to try and flirt with someone who's whispering eye is choked by a thick, thorny red bush." Isabela laughed gleefully before Aveline flew from her chair and chased after the nimble pirate.
"Would you two please stop it. We're in a public place." Hawke shouted at the pirate and the Captain of the Guard as she rose from her seat and went to Merril's side.
"It's the Hanged Man, Hawke. No one really cares." Isabela replied nonchalantly as she jumped over a chair and Aveline followed closely behind, bashing through the piece of furniture in a clumsy attempt to catch the smiling rogue.
"It's true and if I end up committing murder here, no one can use any of the customers as witnesses since they're all inebriated." Aveline added as she picked up an unclaimed mug of ale and threw it at Isabela, narrowly missing the pirate's head and shattering against the bar.
Hawke shook her head and returned her attention back at Merril only to be horrified at the sight before her. The young elf had managed to administer a glyph of paralysis on Varric and was consuming the last remnants of the violet wine. "By the Maker!" Hawke gasped, causing Aveline and Isabela to turn their attention back on Merril.
"Oh, shit..." Isabela and Aveline said in unison as Merril's eyes began to glow a vibrant red and the air around her began to swirl.
"We should go. NOW!" Hawke began to reach for her two-handed broadsword, that was strapped to her back. But, she realized she couldn't just cut down a fellow friend so then decided that running was the wiser option and grabbed Varric and hustled out of the Hanged Man, screaming at the patrons to leave as well.
Aveline ushered those around her to run out of the bar as fast as they could while Isabela slipped out of the nearest window. The group watched from the safety of the cold outdoors as the Hanged Man was ravaged from the inside by a very drunk blood mage. Patrons of the bar shouted their disagreements to the internal rape of their beloved establishment and some ran off to alert the guards. "We should probably go." Isabela whispered in a husky voice.
"I agree. This will not look good for the guard if I am found standing here." Aveline said as she began to walk back to the barracks.
"What about Merril? We have to grab her before the guards or the templars do." Hawke began to walk towards the Hanged Man but Isabela grabbed her arm.
"She'll tear you apart in her current state, sweet thing." Isabela said with soft worry glazing her eyes.
"I have to agree with the whore of scurvy. The templars won't get Merril, I'll make sure to have my men restrain her and take her to the brig for the night. Just go home." Aveline instructed.
Hawke looked longingly at the Hanged Man one last time before turning her back on it for the night.
"I can't seem to stop this pounding from within my head." Merril groaned into her fragile arms as Isabela rubbed the elf's back.
They were at Hawke's mansion the day after Merril had ingested the amethyst-colored wine and had unleashed hell-upon-earth within the innocent Hanged Man. Sapphira and Isabela had gone together in the morning to have Merril placed in their custody from the detention of the brig. Aveline released Merril and also warned the two to be on the lookout for a group of suspicious 'alcohol-guzzling' hooligans who had force fed the defenseless elf a poison that resembled plum juice. Of course, this 'information' came by Aveline via a very hung over Merril, when she was interrogated for causes as to who thrashed the Low Town bar, after she had passed out from the alcohol's hold.
Now, the trio was sitting in front of the hearth in Hawke's study with Isabela tending to an extremely nauseous Merril while Hawke was up on the second level, going through a book case. "Couldn't you defend yourself with a bit of good ol' magic?" Isabela asked as she handed Merril a cup of black tea.
Merril gingerly took the cup and placed it near her nose to allow the heat to relax her congested nasal passages. "They must have placed a glyph of paralysis on me because I don't remember being able to move."
Hawke snickered from her position and the pirate and the elf stared up questioningly at her. "What are you laughing at, Sapphira?" Isabela asked with a coy smile.
"Oh, nothing...I didn't realize the criminals were apostates. Did they have a dwarf amongst them, Merril?" Hawke was clearly having too much enjoyment out of teasing an unsuspecting Merril.
Merril's silvery-green eyes brightened as her discombobulated memory began to slowly piece together a history that only occurred within the mind of the first-time drunk. "Yes, there was! He had a pony-tail and he tried to take me somewhere by grabbing my arm. Probably to do something absolutely horrible to me. By the dread wolf, I could have been taken advantage of or sold into slavery!"
Hawke walked down from the second floor of the study and sat down beside Isabela. The two exchanged amused smiles and then refocused their attention back at a shivering Merril. "What else did you see? We need as much information as you can give us." Hawke tried to put on a very serious face while Isabela laughed softly into the warrior's shoulder.
Merril strained her eyes in thought and then she perked up as the metaphoric light-bulb turned on in her head. "I remember something quite frightening."
"Ooh, what was it? Do tell." Isabela said almost too gleefully.
"There was this dark shadow that was running around me."
"A dark shadow?" Hawke asked as she raised a carefully plucked eyebrow.
Merril nodded furiously. "Yes, and this shadow had humongous breasts like the size of watermelons during the ripe season."
"Really?"
"Were they perky breasts at least and not sagging-to-the-floor-oh-the-maker-the-girl-needs-those-puppies-anchored-to-her-stomach breasts?" Isabela was very serious now.
Merril closed her eyes in thought. "They were good looking breasts, kind of like yours."
Isabela thrust out her chest and beamed arrogantly at Hawke. The Fereldan warrior rolled her eyes but smiled nonetheless. "Anything else, Merril?" Hawke asked.
"Oh, the dark shadow was running because it was being chased by a large Qunari on fire!"
Isabela and Hawke burst out into laughter but then quickly regained their composure as Merril stared at the two in surprise and confusion. "It sounded hilarious because...uh...I didn't know Qunaris could catch...on fire." The pirate cleared her throat and looked away.
"Nice save. I thought rogues were excellent liars." Hawke whispered to Isabela.
"You keep that up and you won't be getting much of anything from this rogue tonight." Isabela whispered back, causing Hawke to quickly hush.
"Of course they can, you silly. I've thrown many fireballs at them and you've seen how they just go up in flames. Poof."
"Right, right. Well, want to go take a nap now, Merril?" Hawke asked as she began to rise from her seat.
Merril slowly got up from her seat on the floor and wobbled unsteadily on her legs but Isabela had the elf lean on her for support. "So, you don't remember anything else?" Isabela asked Merril as she eyed Hawke.
The elf took a few steps but then stopped as she gasped and looked at Hawke with a bewildered look. The warrior froze in her place and stared back at Merril with the same face. "There was someone else! Someone saved tried to save me, I think."
"Oh?" Hawke raised an eyebrow as she tried to figure out what else Merril was going to pull out from her drunken data-bank of fractured memories.
"There was this silver knight, with the bluest sapphires for eyes and long hair that was darker than any ink. He stood in front of me in bright armor that hurt my vision and he told me to take a bottle that was on a table and told me to drink it. So, I took the bottle and drank it and then the world went up in flames and I don't remember the rest except waking up in the brig with Aveline looking mighty angry at me through the bars."
Isabela and Hawke looked at each other and had no words to exchange. "That's quite the...uh...eventful night?" The pirate gave the elf a toothy smile.
"You two don't believe a word I said, do you? You think it was just me dallying around in the Fade or something." Merril sounded hurt as she hung her head.
"No, no, we definitely believe you, Kitten. Now, why don't I take you upstairs and put you to bed?" Isabela suggested as she led Merril out of the study.
Bodahn came into the doorway of the study and stopped the two. "I believe there is a visitor, messere. If you'd like, I'll take our young elf Miss to her room for rest." Isabela carefully handed Merril over to Bodahn and he gingerly led her upstairs to her room while the pirate and the warrior went out to the front hallway to greet their visitor.
Aveline stood a few feet from the front door, with her burly arms crossed tight across her armored chest. She shook her head at the two as she walked over to them. "Well, what did our alcohol-loving blood mage tell you?"
"She remembers a very fantasy-like version of all of us within a very chaotic setting." Hawke answered with a smile.
"You're a flaming Qunari within Merril's drunk vision! And, you're literally 'flaming' in her story." Isabela giggled.
Aveline sighed. "Well, you're lucky that none of the patrons seem to have been sober enough to remember any clear details about any of us. I'm just going to have to send out a 'mock' assignment to a group of fresh green horns to go searching hopelessly for whoever attacked the Hanged Man just so that the city feels like I'm making an effort for the sake of safety. Make sure Merril stays within your sight for a few days, Hawke." The Captain of the Guard turned on her heel and proceeded to leave but Isabela stopped her.
"Hey, what about me?"
"What about you, Isabela?"
"Shouldn't you tell me to keep Merril within my sights as well?"
"Don't you have to be somewhere? Like the Blooming Rose, for example?"
Isabela grinned smugly. "Why should I waste my time traveling to the Blooming Rose when I can have my deep roads perfectly explored right here." The pirate gazed lovingly at Hawke, who in turn blushed into the crook of her own arm.
Aveline looked absolutely disgusted and left with much haste. The pirate and the warrior were left in the hallway and Isabela gave Hawke a grin that was exuding with intentions that could be easily categorized as 'naughty'. "Really, Isabela? Explore your deep roads?" Hawke turned around and began to walk back towards her study.
"What? Would you rather have me use something else like 'pamper my paragon'?" Isabela asked as she caught up with Hawke.
"Not everything must be so lewd."
"Okay how about something boring like 'pollinate my flower'?"
"I just meant you shouldn't say such things around Aveline. It makes her uncomfortable."
"The big girl probably gets a bit moist around her 'whispering eye' whenever I mention our fun activities."
Hawke hung her head. "If we ever come across anything with a name like that, let's just leave it alone."
A few weeks later, at a refurbished and intact Hanged Man...
"I found this particular wine in Danarius' mansion. It's called 'The Sister's Lips Between Her Hips', whoever came up with such a mouthful for a name surely requires a new profession." Fenris said with disgust as he approached a table that sat a very frightened Aveline, Varric, Isabela, and Hawke.
"Oh, I'll take a sip of it first if you don't mind. I've never had alcohol before in my life and I'm a bit parched." Merrill offered with a bounce in her step as she entered the Hanged Man.
I honestly have no idea where this came from...it just 'poof' came to me while I was busy playing Aion :/ I know...so random. ANYWAYS, hope you guys enjoyed reading it. Let me know if you want me to write about anything else and I'll be sure to try my hand at it :D