A/N: My first boy/boy fanfic ever and… it's for Life With Derek. I am so going to Hell.

This is what happens when you take the idea of Ralph/Casey as a pairing, consider Derek's reaction, watch 'The Fall' and then decide Noel is cute in a dorky kind of way. I apologize in advance; it's really, really not my fault, I swear.

So, this is Derek/Noel I-am-only-doing-this-to-bug-Casey-not-because-I-like-you with implied Derek/Casey I-am-not-happy-with-you-dating-boys-especially-Ralph-oh-my-God-why-Ralph? And Ralph/Casey Holy-shit-I-think-Derek-wants-to-kill-me-considering-how-he's-eyeing-his-fork fun! 8D

Derek is… not fond of Ralph in this. Like in season one, he didn't know how strongly he felt about Casey, so he let the Sam/Casey loving slide. But now? He's totally aware and in lots of denial. At least, that's my excuse for all his asshattery. We all know how much Derek likes sharing his things. =__=;

Poor Ralph; hell, poor Noel.

Also, because the poor boy's only had like… three episodes? He is this snarky, brooding, asshole of a thing. He also comes off as a soccer player/runner kind of guy to me. So he writes poetry, sings, acts and… outruns everyone like a goddamn ninja. Derek is so totally hot for him. I know I am.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot. Yes, it is there; just squint, damn it.

Deus Ex Machina

Because I have to ship something other than Derek/Casey.

—

He'd warned her. Really, he had. 'Don't crush on my friends,' he'd said, and he knew, he knew she'd heard the underlying threat, the hidden promise. He never thought he'd have to follow through with it, though. She and Sam had barely lasted a month and, seriously, what other friends did he have that she could possibly pine after?

More than he'd anticipated, apparently. He'd endured though. She was too overdramatic for his team-mates anyways.

But this. God, he didn't even have a word for this. It wasn't normal. It went against all reason; it was an anomaly so strange that he couldn't even begin to understand it. In Derek's mind, the universe had ceased functioning until further notice.

Edwin knew this, as Derek had been ranting for a good ten minutes so far and had yet to show any signs of stopping.

"I mean, Ralph? Of all the people she could've gone after, she picks Ralph!? Isn't he supposed to be gay?" Derek threw himself down onto his bed with a groan. "I think I would've preferred Malibu Ken Max to Ralph."

Edwin looked at him warily from the foot of the bed. "I think you're obsessing a bit too much."

"Not obsessing," Derek groused, rolling onto his stomach. "But, seriously. Ralph!?"

"Not obsessing, huh?" Edwin shot him a dry look. "Based on your behaviour, you either have it bad for Casey, or have it bad for Ralph."

"Is there a 'none of the above' option hidden in there somewhere?"

"Nope."

"Figures," Derek grumbled. "How do I get her back?" When Edwin's eyebrow rose, he added quickly, "Not like that! I mean in the revenge sense."

"Uhm." Edwin walked around the side of the bed and sat down on the floor. "You could always, uh. Date one of her friends?"

Derek snorted into his pillow. "Casey has no friends, unless you count Emily, but she's dating Schlepper, so that's out."

"She's not Casey's only friend, per say…" Edwin trailed off uncertainly, suddenly interested in the bed frame.

Derek lifted his head slightly and narrowed his eyes. "I'm not going to like where this is going, am I?"

"No, not really."

Derek sighed and covered his ears with the pillow. "Okay, shoot."

"Well." Edwin was silent for a moment, nails digging into the vinyl cover of his binder. "There's always Noel."

Derek's head shot up, the pillow landing harmlessly on the carpet. "What."

Edwin shrugged nonchalantly. "It was just a suggestion, bro." Then, grinning wickedly, he added, "Didn't Ralph have a crush on him first semester?"

Derek's features brightened momentarily before he buried his face in the mattress and moaned. "Oh, God, why am I considering this?"

"Because you want to get Casey back really badly," Edwin proposed, purposely twisting his words. Derek turned his head to the side and snarled at him. "I mean, because you want to get back at Casey really badly. Happy now?"

"Ecstatic."

"You look it."

"Ed?"

"Yeah?"

"Get out of my room."

Edwin grinned crookedly as he climbed to his feet. "Sir, yes sir!" He saluted before booking it for Lizzie's room, hoping the pillow that missed his head by inches and hit the door was the only thing Derek intended on throwing at him.

—

"This sucks, Sammy." Derek's head fell to the cafeteria table with a dull thud. "Totally and completely."

"I would agree with you," Sam mused, chewing on a carrot. "But I have no idea what you're on about."

"Casey. And Ralph. And the Casey-Ralph problem."

Sam absently watched a girl from his math class bend over to pick up some loose change she'd dropped. A couple of guys sitting one table over did the same. "Right. That."

Derek followed Sam's line of sight, leered, turned back around, and then promptly threw his sandwich at him. "Pay attention to me, damn it."

Sam spluttered, wiping mayonnaise off his cheek, subtly checking to see if Kelly, who he'd been thinking of asking out all week and was sitting two tables down, had seen. Sure that she hadn't, he shot Derek a glare. "Holy God," he said, flicking a piece of apple peel at him. "You're like a little kid."

"Twice as cute, too." Derek picked a stray grape that had somehow survived their earlier fruit fight – Sam's mom was on some kind of health food kick – up off the table and tossed it up and down in one hand. Sam sniggered into his chicken Alfredo.

"Sorry, you seem to be mistaken. Because, if I remember correctly, you were an ugly ass kid."

The grape hit Sam in the face. "I was adorable, asshole. And completely awesome; all the guys wanted to play soccer with me."

Sam was rubbing his eye as he said, "Yeah, they did, but not for the reason's you think."

Derek glared and waved his chocolate milk carton threateningly. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Means they all thought you were a very tomboyish girl." Sam watched in satisfaction as Derek's smug expression shifted into one of horror. "Yeah, that's right; all the guys liked you because they thought you were a chick."

Derek gawked. "Why didn't you, oh gee, clarify that I had a dick?"

"Because it was hilarious," Sam admitted, wincing as Derek's foot collided with his shin under the table. "I'm sorry D, but it was. Ralph had the biggest crush on you until grade four when you kicked him in the wrist during soccer."

"It was an accident!"

"You laughed about it for three weeks." Kelly glanced over at him and smiled. Sam smiled back. "Although, I do still wonder how you managed to kick that high at nine."

"I'm flexible."

Sam waited until Derek had taken a bite out of his chocolate muffin before commenting. "Oh, well, that's one thing you and Casey have in common, then." He grinned as Derek started coughing violently, pounding on his chest with one hand until his throat was clear. When he glared at him, all Sam offered as an explanation was, "Payback's a bitch, man."

Derek kicked him twice as hard as he had before and then started complaining about Casey and Ralph again just to piss Sam off. It worked, until Kelly What'sherface walked by and said 'hi' like she was about to jump over the table and maul Sam. Derek gagged as Sam's grin turned even goofier than it already was. "That was disgusting."

Sam seemed to snap out of it, turning back to Derek with a bored expression. "You're just pissed off because you're still single and, due to your creepy obsession with Casey and her boyfriends, haven't had a date in, what? Six months?"

"Seven," Derek corrected, staring at the half of his sandwich that hadn't ended up in Sam's lap. "And, if I plan this right, Casey won't have a boyfriend much longer."

Sam squinted at him. "Ralph really likes her, D. Don't screw it up for them."

"I'm not going to do anything that Casey won't cause herself," Derek defended, raising his hands as Sam's glare intensified. "I'm just going to seduce one of her friends to show her what it's like, since she keeps going after mine and all."

Sam stopped glaring long enough to raise an eyebrow and ask, "Didn't you already try that with Emily?"

"Uhm, yes." Derek took a fierce bite out of his sandwich as he saw Casey and Ralph walk by the doors of the cafeteria hand in hand. "Only, that time, I didn't plan properly. And she already knew I was going out with Em just to get back at her. This time, it will be unexpected and subtle. Like death."

"Since when is death subtle?"

"Since you never know when it's going to happen." Derek stared at him. "Duh."

"You're so strange." Sam shook his head and prodded at his noodles with his fork. "Who, exactly, do you plan on seducing, then? Casey doesn't have many close friends."

Derek chewed slowly, trying to delay the inevitable. Eventually, he swallowed and rushed out a, "I'mthinkingmaybeNoelcauseRalphlikedhimfirstsemesterright?" before shovelling the rest of his sandwich into his mouth.

Sam's eye twitched slightly. "In English, please."

"Noel," Derek mumbled around a mouthful of food. Sam guffawed loudly; Derek hoped he'd keep at it long enough for that Kelly chick to hear him and realize he sounded like a donkey. "He's one of Casey's friends and Ralph liked him first semester, right? I mean, I like Ralph; he's cool and stuff, but, all is fair in love and not-brotherly-things and would you stop laughing at me?"

Several people turned to stare at them. Sam waved them off as he gasped for air, clutching the tabletop for dear life. "I knew it!" he wheezed, cheeks turning a bright red. "I knew you were a closet case!"

Derek threw the rest of his lunch and his half empty carton of chocolate milk at him. "The hell I am!"

Sam dodged the barrage of semi-nutritional artillery and managed to calm down after that, taking deep breaths and avoiding eye contact with Derek. Every time he did look his way, though, he seemed to burst into a whole new round of chuckles. Finally, he asked, "And what do you plan on doing to, uhm, seduce Noel? Who, by the way, Ralph never liked."

Derek actually looked relieved by this. "Oh, good. Because, as much as I'd like to kill him every time he and Spacey are together, I don't actually want to hurt him. Much."

"How considerate of you."

"I do my best."

"Right, so." Sam tried in vain to keep his poker face in place, but ended up dissolving into laughter again. "Seduction. Noel. How?"

The last part came out a squeak; Derek silently decided Sam was the lovechild of a Eeyore and Mickey Mouse. "Well, I figure if he knows that he's helping me break up the happy-yet-deranged couple, he'll participate. He does have it bad for Casey, after all."

Sam accidentally snapped his plastic fork in half, but he didn't seem to notice as he looked at Derek oddly. "Uhm, D," he began, only to be cut off by the bell. Derek caught a glimpse of Casey heading towards the gym alone and, seeing an opportunity to harass and otherwise torment her, decided to seize it.

"Tell me later." He waved Sam off, throwing wrappers hurriedly in the general direction of the trash can. "I've got P.E."

"Uh…" Sam looked uncertain as Derek jogged over to his stepsister. "Ohhhhh, boy."

—

"Hey, dude." Ralph strode up next to Derek and gave him a friendly slap on the back. "What's up?"

Derek, who was searching for some elusive object in his disaster of a locker, didn't even look up as he muttered, "Nothing, nothing. Just looking for something."

Ralph watched as a binder he hadn't seen since the eighth grade practically flew out of the locker, skidding across the empty hall a few feet before stopping under the water fountain. "You know," he remarked, watching the hockey forward empty the contents of his backpack on the ground before throwing that aside as well, "you're acting a lot like Case does when she's freaking out. You sure you two aren't rubbing off on each other?"

Derek, upper half hidden by his locker door and in the midst of pulling lunches he hadn't seen in weeks off the shelf, tensed. "I don't act anything like that spazz," he remarked coolly, glaring fiercely at a science textbook that had landed on his foot. "Goddamn it."

"Uhm, 'kay." Ralph edged away from him, glancing down the corridor briefly. "D, are you okay?"

Derek twitched. "I'm fine," he growled, gritting his teeth as his hands darted around inside the locker. Ralph moved to his other side. "Just peachy."

Ralph opened his mouth to say something else, but stopped short as Casey rounded the corner, beaming. Derek saw the stupid look on his face – it's even stupider than his normal stupid look of stupid stupidity, he thought bitterly – and grunted, peering around the door even though he already knew who was at the other end of the hall. Ducking back out of sight quickly as she approached, he started tearing notebooks and loose pages out of his locker even more viciously than before.

"Hey Case." Ralph grinned as she gave him a quick peck. Derek's nostrils flared as he gripped the rusting sill, knuckles white, and tried to ignore the insane amounts of total not-jealously building up in his chest.

"Hi, Ralphie," Casey answered sweetly, smiling all the way up until she saw him ripping through his locker. "Derek."

"Casey." His tone was as flat as hers, even as he silently contemplated the pros and cons of slamming Ralph's head against his locker door a few dozen times. "I see you're still desperately trying to climb the social ladder."

"I see you're still desperately trying to be witty," she snapped, shoulders stiff, face set. Derek took a moment to admire her typical, stubborn fight stance. Then he went back to burning holes into Ralph's fingers, which were linked loosely with hers, with a glare. He almost laughed when Ralph squirmed and dropped her hand. Casey didn't seem to notice.

"I don't need to try and be witty, Spacey," he shot back just as quickly, slamming his locker shut with more force than necessary as Ralph's hand grazed her hip. "I just am."

"You just keep deluding yourself there, Der."

Derek smirked at her. "I would've thought someone as smart as you could tell the difference between 'delusion' and 'the honest truth'."

"Your quips are getting a little sloppy, Derek," Casey reprimanded, mirroring his smirk. "But, then again, they weren't anything special to begin with."

"Well, yours weren't exactly mind blowing either, Case."

"In order to blow ones mind," Casey snarked, "one must have a mind to begin with."

Derek swallowed hard against the lump that had formed in his throat when Casey had said 'blow' and exhaled through his nose. "Oh, you know you're cool when you start using Middle English."

"I'm surprised you even know what Middle English is."

"Yes, well, I am full of surprises."

"And hot air, apparently."

Ralph was getting whiplash just trying to follow the conversation. Casting a brief look at his watch, he grabbed Casey's hand and nodded towards the school exit. "As, uh, great as it is that you guys are getting along, we're going to be late for that movie if we don't leave, like, now, Case."

Casey, coming back from The Land of Derek, blinked and then gasped in surprise. "Oh, right! Sorry. We should get going, then."

She was already pulling Ralph towards the double doors when the drummer turned and called, "Later, dude!"

Derek raised his hand slightly in response, the jealous feeling returning as they disappeared through the doors. He took a step forward, prepared to go home and eat chips and generally pretend that Casey wasn't dating Ralph and that all was right in the world, and nearly tripped over his previously discarded binder. Looking down, he realized that everything that had once been stacked haphazardly in his locker was still, well, on the floor.

And he had yet to find that God forsaken phone number.

Grumbling to himself, he crouched down and started shifting through papers and flipping open notebooks, hoping to catch a glimpse of magenta paper. Back when he'd been doing the school play with Casey (and Noel, he reminded himself. Noel was a key part of the Make-Casey-And-Possibly-Ralph-Miserable-Plan,) Mrs. Zeldin had insisted they all give her their phone numbers. Then she'd gone and made photocopies of a list of said phone numbers.

"Communication is key, everyone," he remembered her saying, only because he was fairly certain Paul had something similar to him once. "Keep in touch with your fellow castmates! Rehearse in your spare time; go that extra mile!"

No one had used it, of course, except for maybe Casey, but she was Casey, so that didn't count.

Despite having no intention of using it, Derek had kept the brightly coloured handout shoved somewhere in his locker, figuring he could at least use it to call that blond girl he'd been hitting on at the time, like he said he would. Or, at least, he'd have an excuse as to why he didn't call her: lost the sheet, and if she didn't believe him, she could take a look at his locker.

Now, he needed it so he could call someone. Only this someone had an Adam's apple.

For what seemed like the fortieth time that day, he wondered why he was honest to God actually going through with this. Casey and Ralph would break up eventually and then he could breathe easier and relish in the fact that while he could have any girl he wanted, his stepsister couldn't even hold a steady boyfriend.

Well, that and the fact that she wouldn't be kissing anyone anytime soon. Didn't want her contracting mono… or something.

He really sucked at this 'being brotherly' thing.

As he tossed his ancient looking math book aside, a pair of black All Stars crossed his line of vision. The owner of said All Stars then crouched down in front of him and chuckled. "Does The Derek want some help?"

Derek couldn't believe his luck. Lifting his head, he smirked. "Yeah, I do, actually. So, if you see anyone whose arms don't look like broomsticks? Let me know."

Noel rolled his eyes and got to his knees, shuffling papers into a neat pile and stacking them on top of Derek's science text. "You're as warm and fuzzy as ever," he said wryly, head bent. "Really; I don't think I've ever felt so welcome in my entire life."

"Your sarcasm has been dully noted and ignored," Derek drawled, standing up to open his locker. "What're you doing here so late?"

"Same question I was going to ask you." Noel raised an eyebrow, lips quirking. "Last I heard, Derek Venturi doesn't stay after school longer than fifteen minutes if there's no hockey practice."

"Normally, I don't. But today was special for reasons I'll be telling you soon." Derek crammed a giant wad of blank paper behind his gym shoes. Noel looked at him quizzically and passed him the stack he'd collected. After he'd wedged those between his binder and the bottom of the locker, Derek said, "So, why're you here late?"

"Soccer tryouts." Noel's forehead wrinkled as he watched Derek try and shove his last textbook onto the shelf. "Okay, wow. Your inability to cram large things into small spaces is kind of pathetic."

Derek paused, still arm deep in history-notes. "That? Was dirty."

Noel shrugged. "I talk to Schlepper a lot. Now, shove over. You'd think living with Casey at least give you some sense of 'stuff and shove.'"

Derek watched in awe as Noel skilfully managed to stack paper balls and paper airplanes in such a way the massive tome was squeezed inside easily. "There," Noel said, wiping his hands off on his jeans. "And it won't even explode the next time you open it."

"Sweet," Derek said.

"It was nothing. Now, are you going to tell me why you're here so late or what?"

"Oh, right," Derek scratched his ear absently, "that."

"Uh-huh."

"Well, I was here… You like Casey right?"

Noel choked, blindsided by Derek's question. "Uh, what?"

"You have a thing for Casey," Derek stated, keeping his features neutral. "I'm right, right?"

Noel looked at the floor and scuffled one foot awkwardly, leaving a black rubber mark behind. "Er…"

"I'll take that as a yes," Derek interrupted, grinning. "This is relevant because I want to make her miserable for dating one of my best friends. So I came up with a plan."

Noel stared. "Oh no."

Derek ignored him. "And this plan – this plan is genius, by the way – involves you."

"I… was hoping you weren't going to say that," Noel muttered, rubbing his head. "Okay. Explain this genius plan before I regain my sanity and realize I should leave."

"Okay, so, Casey has dated a crapload of my friends and I feel like returning the favour. But, considering Casey has like, what, three friends, and two of them are dating each other, I am left with few options."

Noel blanched. Derek grabbed his sleeve as he went to leave. "Let go, Derek." He glanced over his shoulder and glared. "I know where this is going and my answers are no, hell no, fuck no and are you on crack?"

"Uh, none of the above?" Derek offered sheepishly, releasing Noel's shirt. "But, dude, seriously, hear me out."

"You want to pretend we're dating," Noel guessed. "So Casey will get pissed off."

Derek blinked, surprised at how quickly the dark haired teen had caught on. "Yeah, pretty much."

"Do you realize how many things are wrong with that plan?" Derek was silent. Noel rolled his eyes again. "Yeah, that's what I thought. Okay, listen up." He shoved his hands into the pockets of his jacket and began to pace, eyes glued to the ceiling. "Number one, there's the fact that, oh gee wow, no one's going to believe that you're a closet case. Number two, there are homophobes at this school; hockey God or not, you're going to get ragged on even if you're only pretending, which I assume we can't tell anyone, since, you know, you're trying to piss Casey off. And, number three, have you ever thought to think about what your friends and family will say?"

Derek bit at the inside of his lip. "I thought about all that," he assured him, rocking back on his heels. "But, you're assuming we're going to need to act all… couple-y," he made a face here, "in front of people. Which we don't; we just need Casey to believe we're dating. Or at least sucking face. No one else needs to know."

Noel stared at him blankly, then shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how crazy about this girl you are."

It was Derek's turn to choke. "What? I'm not – that's just – Holy God, how many people think that?"

Noel started counting on his fingers. After a minute, he stopped. "About half the school. The other half is too busy pining after either you or Casey to pay much attention."

"Well that's just…" Derek leaned against the row of lockers and closed his eyes. "Fan – fucking – tastic."

Noel winced as the hockey forward's head banged against the metal, emphasising each syllable. "That's… one way of putting it."

Derek cracked an eye open. "So, are you going to help me, or what?"

"Nope." Noel waved as he brushed past Derek, heading for the back doors. "Later, Derek."

—

Six days.

He'd been hounding Noel to say yes for six damn days and the guy still hadn't cracked. Derek would've been impressed by his resolve if it hadn't been for the fact that said resolve was preventing him from breaking up the grossness going on in his living room at that very moment.

Casey giggled and curled up next to Ralph on the couch. "What do you want to watch?"

"I dunno," Ralph replied intelligently. Derek sneered from his spot at the kitchen island. "Whatever you feel like watching."

"Aw, that's so sweet!" Casey squealed, smiling so wide Derek was sure she was just faking it so she wouldn't go off on Ralph for not trying more in their relationship, or some other equally irrational, psycho-Casey reason; he didn't pretend to understand his stepsister's mind.

Ralph blushed. "Uhm, thanks."

Lizzie, looking revolted, stopped scooping vanilla ice cream into a bowl for Marti momentarily and said, "Am I the only one nauseated here?"

Derek shook his head and pushed two fingers down his throat to illustrate his agreement to everyone within viewing range. Marti giggled. Casey looked over her shoulder briefly to fix him with a nasty look. He added sound effects just to see how red she'd get.

Six days!

The doorbell rang while Derek was in the midst of re-enacting how he'd become best friends with the kitchen sink during hockey season. Edwin, who'd been sitting in the dining room, desperately trying to get his math homework done, took one look around the room and rolled his eyes. "I guess I'll get it then," he sighed, trudging towards the door.

Edwin led Noel into the house just as Derek, who'd moved to his armchair, started throwing crumpled up post-it notes at the side of Casey's head.

"Wow," Noel deadpanned. "The maturity level in this house is just astounding."

Edwin looked up at him almost hopefully. "Adopt me, please?"

"Sorry, kiddo, but I'm not ready to play daddy. Especially not to a," Noel shuddered, "teenager."

"The fact that you fear your own kind scares me greatly."

"Good; it should."

"God," Lizzie said, staring at the two of them. "They're like the same person. Only, Noel is less lies and deceit and money and Edwin is less Adam's apple."

Derek stopped bombarding Casey with garbage long enough to ask, "What do you think you're doing, coming into my house and stealing my siblings?"

"Exactly what it sounds like," Noel replied.

"And what does it sound like?"

"Like I'm stealing your siblings."

"…Carry on."

"Thanks bro," Edwin snarked, gathering his books and heading for the stairs. "I'll remember that next time you need money."

"You should also remember that I know where you sleep."

"And you," Edwin said pointedly, "should remember that while you may have my whereabouts at night, I have Lizzie."

Lizzie smirked. Derek shivered and promptly stopped trying to look menacing. "Touché."

Noel's eyebrow, which had been steadily rising throughout the course of the siblings' exchange, shot right up to his hairline. Turning to Casey and Ralph, he asked, "I'm not the only one hearing this, right?"

Casey shook her head, snuggling up closer to Ralph. "Nope."

"So Derek really did just admit defeat," Noel gaped, "without having to be tortured, tickled or fed broccoli?"

Derek started. "How did you know about that?" When Casey stared up at the ceiling innocently, he gawked. "You swore you'd never tell!"

"Well, see, the thing about sibling vows is," Casey began, tone sarcastic, "that you actually have to be, you know, siblings for them to count. And as we are clearly not siblings, which you eagerly point out every chance you get, I figured telling one or five people wouldn't be too big of a deal."

Derek stared at her for a long time. "… You actually know five people?" He looked at Noel quizzically. "She actually knows five people?"

The throw cushion Casey chucked his way hit him directly in the face. Ralph looked thoroughly impressed. "Nice shot, Case. You should totally play baseball."

Casey made a face. "I don't run."

Derek snorted. "Yeah. Cause God forbid you, gasp, sweat."

Casey scowled and threw the television remote at him this time. "Don't you have monkeys you should be hanging out with right now?"

"God, Case, I knew you could be mean but I didn't think you'd stoop so low as to insult your own boyfriend. While he's sitting right next to you, at that."

When Casey made to lunge for him, Ralph decided it was time to leave. "Okay, Case, I think it's time we go to, uh," he racked his brain for a second, "Smelly Nellie's. I owe you lunch. Or something." While he guided a still nearly hissing Casey towards the door, he muttered, "Whoa man; déjà vu."

When the couple was safely out the door, Derek turned on The Spanish Inquisition. "Alright, Covington, what do you want?"

Noel's eyebrow rose again. "Back to last names, are we? And here I thought we were so close, D."

Derek rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Why. Are. You. Here?"

"Your, ah, plan."

Derek nearly fell out of his seat. "What."

Edwin, still standing on the landing, leaned over to beckon to Lizzie and Marti. "Me doth thinks it's time to bolt," he said, ignoring Noel and Derek's simultaneous snorts. Lizzie looked at him flatly. "Uh," he added sheepishly, "please?"

Lizzie shook her head, an amused smile tugging at her lips, and took Marti by the hand. "Time to go, Purple Princess."

"Kay!" Marti beamed, covered in ice cream. "Bye Smerek, bye Christmas!"

"Well," Noel said, once the three had disappeared upstairs, "I can't say I've never heard that one before, but kids don't normally catch it right away. What is she, six?"

"Yup," Derek said. "But, as she is my sister, she is incredibly brilliant."

"And way cuter than you."

Derek glared. "I'm going to kill you."

Noel crossed his arms. "You do that and you've got no one to use in your 'Make Casey Miserable' plan."

"… Damn it," Derek sulked. "Fine, you can live for now."

"Thanks," Noel said dryly. "Now, plan? I've got a –"

"– pansy ass poetry reading to go to? I know. God, you're so the chick in this relationship."

Noel dropped himself onto the couch and shot Derek a disbelieving look. "Says the guy who apparently doesn't 'do' feelings, yet not 'doing' feelings is all he can talk about. Trying to reassure yourself of something, Der?"

"Quiet, Hanukkah," Derek retorted. Noel refrained from explaining to Derek how little sense the insult made. "Now, here's what we need to do…"

—

"And he didn't even ask why you just up and decided to go along with the plan?" Emily chewed on a mouthful of salad thoughtfully. "Yeah, that sounds like Derek."

Noel didn't lift his head up from the table. "Whmmrphuminghih?"

Sheldon blinked. "Sorry; I don't speak Table. Should I go find Sam and have him translate?"

Noel titled his head sideways and stared at the lunch line. "Why am I doing this?"

"Because you've been pining after Derek since the play?" Emily suggested.

"Because you want in Derek's pants really, really badly," Sheldon declared.

They both looked at each other. Noel shot up quickly. Emily slapped Sheldon upside the head. "Sheldon!"

"What!" the dark haired teen spluttered, dodging Emily's half-hearted swats. "It's true and you know it."

Noel groaned. "I need lies and deceit right now, guys."

"Sorry," Sheldon said sheepishly. "Uhm, you're doing this because you… like… Casey?"

"… You're so convincing," Emily finally said. Noel slammed his head against the tabletop a couple of times.

"I hate life."

"Yes, well, judging from the situation you're in?" Sheldon mused, leaning one elbow on the table, "It seems life hates you back."

"… Damn it!"

"Sheldon."

"Well, sorry for being truthful –"

"I told you to lie!"

" – and deep and insightful and – Ow! Em, that was painful. What if you'd broken something?"

"I'd have kissed it better."

"Excuse me while I go throw up."

"Noel, the asshattery? So not appreciated. Go back to being emo."

"I hate both of you. So. Much."

"Yeah, yeah," Sheldon waved him off. "We love you too."

—

"Okaaaaaaaay." Noel kicked what appeared to be an old Mars bar out of his way. "I know I'm going to regret asking this but, when was the last time you cleaned this place?"

Derek tapped his chin thoughtfully, headphones wrapped around his neck. "… Uh."

Noel waited patiently while Derek continued thinking. Casey popped in behind him and grinned. "You asked him when the last time he cleaned his room was, didn't you?"

"What are you, some kind of creepy psychic?"

"No, I just live here," she quipped. "And, before you get grossed out, you should ask him when the last time his room was cleaned."

"Isn't that the same –" Noel stopped and blinked. "Oh. Right. What was I thinking, assuming the D-ster actually, God forbid, cleans his own room?"

Casey patted his shoulder, tone mocking. "Happens to the best of us."

"Don't you have a guy you should be reducing to a pile of blubbering cheesiness right about now?" Derek snapped, glaring at her from over his computer monitor. "And you," he pointed menacingly at Noel, "stop fraternizing with the enemy."

Two sets of eyebrows rose in tandem. "Enemy?"

"Yes, enemy," Derek seethed. "Bane of my existence. The Devil's Spawn."

"Wellspring from which you flow?" Noel added cheekily. Casey hit him in the shoulder, but she was smiling. "And, really Derek," he continued, "the Devil's spawn? That's just hypocritical."

"I knew there was a reason I liked you," Casey commented, gripping his arm. "Can I trade Derek in for you?"

"Better watch out, Der," Edwin said in passing as he went for the stairs. "That's two siblings who're out to replace you, now."

Derek's head became reacquainted with his desk. "Ugh!"

Casey winked and nudged Noel playfully with her shoulder. "Have fun with your project!"

When she left, Derek stopped banging his head and fixed Noel with a blank stare. "Project?"

"I needed a reason to keep coming over," he replied, scratching his ear. "Until, you know, you start, guh, flirting with me." He cringed for effect. "Why am I doing this again?"

"Like I know or care," Derek grumbled, clicking his mouse. "Phase one is almost complete now."

"Oh, God, you've got phases. This can't be good."

Derek threw an unused notebook at him. "Shut up, look pretty, and fake some productivity."

Noel ignored the 'pretty' comment. "Oh, five syllable word there, Der. Careful you don't have an aneurism."

"… I'm going to pretend I know what that means."

Noel sighed. "Casey is never going to believe we're," he winced, "dating."

"Stop being so blindingly depressing and just stick to the plan. You're coming over again tomorrow, right?"

Noel shook his head. "Can't. I've got soccer practice."

"You made the team? How? You're like, a stick!"

"Ah," Noel said wisely, "but I'm an agile stick. Who beat the school track record for the two-hundred meter dash."

"The more you know," Derek sang. Noel punched him in the arm. "Uh, congrats though. Mr. G. is really picky with his players, so you must be good."

"Yeah. Thanks." Noel shifted awkwardly towards the bed. "So, anyways, I won't be coming over tomorrow."

"Uh, 'kay. When's your first game?"

"Sometime next month, I think."

Derek nodded slowly and kept his gaze focused on the computer monitor. "Maybe I'll, uh, drop by and catch the last few minutes. Or something."

Noel flopped onto Derek's mattress and stared at the ceiling. "Sure. That's cool. I guess."

"Yeah." Derek began typing furiously, eyes still glued to the screen. "Sooooooooo, how goes the pansy ass poetry reading crap?"

Noel choked on a laugh. "Fine, Derek," he said, grinning even though Derek couldn't really see it. "Just fine. Now give me a frigging pencil. I need to fake some 'productivity', remember?"

Derek finally turned away from his computer, grabbing a stray pencil off his CD shelf and throwing it towards his bed. Noel caught a brief glimpse of the hockey forward's own grin before he turned his back to him. "Oh, shut up."

—

It all went smoothly for about three weeks. Noel would come over, bond with the family for a few minutes, and then he and Derek would hole themselves up in Derek's room for hours at a time, pretending to work only when someone walked in. By the end of the second week, Casey had started popping in unexpectedly; the look on her face every time she found them sitting practically on opposite sides of the room was almost disappointed.

Noel figured she thought they were up to something and was hoping to catch them in the midst of plotting.

Derek decided his plan? Was working perfectly.

Until that stupid thing in his chest – "I think it's called a heart, D, but I could be wrong." "You probably are." – started doing funny things whenever Noel walked into the room. Or snorted. Or smirked. Or breathed.

He chalked it up to anxiety and nervousness; he did, after all, have to pretend to date this guy when in the company of a girl he might or might not have been pining after for a little over a year now.

That didn't explain the blushing though.

"Pass me a pen, would you?"

Derek stared at him blankly. "… Guh?"

Noel glanced up from the textbook sprawled across his lap and rolled his eyes. "Oh, right; can't use sentences with more than three syllables. Let's try this again," he cleared his throat. "Me. Need. Pen."

Two can play at this game, buddy. "You. Be. Douche."

"Caveman."

"Wimp."

"Ass."

"Fairy."

Noel's eyes flashed. "Egotistical d –"

"That's more than one word!"

Silence. Then, "Damn it."

Derek leaned back in his seat and smirked. "I win. Again. Covington, zero. Venturi –"

"Negative five," Noel finished blandly, eyes glued to his book. "For being cocky."

"You can't subtract points!"

"The hell I can't. Pen, please."

Derek, begrudgingly, pulled a pen off the top of his computer and leaned over. Noel reached out and grabbed it, and for a split second, their fingers touch. Derek recoiled almost immediately and busied himself with editing video clips of Casey, pointedly ignoring Noel's curious stare. Venturi, get a grip. You are perfectly fine. You are one hundred percent male and totally into chicks. Even if this guy is a little gi – don't go there, D. Just, don't go there.

"Derek, are you alright?" Noel raised his eyebrows. "You seem a little… tense."

"Not tense." Derek winced when his voice cracked. "I mean, I'm not tense. Just stressed."

"Casey catch you filming her while she was in the shower or something?"

"What!" Derek whirled around, chair rolling backwards into his CD rack. The mixed tape Sally had given him for his birthday hit the floor. "What're you – how did you – Are you crazy!?"

Noel's face twitched. Both of them were quiet, Derek staring in disbelief, Noel shaking with suppressed… something. Finally, he cracked. "Oh my God," he gasped, doubling over, his forehead nearly touching the bedspread. "You – oh wow. That was… that was just great."

Derek stared at him and his stupid grin for a very long time, and then stood up quickly. "I just remembered: me and Sam are hanging out tonight."

Noel blinked. "Uh, okay?"

"Yeah, so, uh," Derek cleared his throat, "out."

Noel blinked again, then shrugged and grabbed his backpack off the floor. "Alright, later."

Once the door was safely shut behind him and he was certain the reason for his utter frustration was no longer within hearing range, Derek flung himself onto his bed and buried his head under his pillow.

This was only going to lead to disaster.

—

A week later, Noel asked him when he was going to start his seduction phase of the plan. It had been a month, after all. Derek had spent the better part of ten minutes pretending he hadn't heard, but when Noel had asked yet again, he couldn't do anything but shrug.

"I don't know," he'd said. "It'll just happen."

Noel had looked at him funny. Casey walked in a half hour later to call them down for dinner and found them with their tongues down each other's throats.

Now they were avoiding eye contact and pointedly sitting at opposite ends of the table. Casey was doing a decent job of keeping her blush to a minimum, but every once in a while she'd look at one of them and her lips would quirk in that way they did when she was trying not to beam.

"Pass the potatoes, please," Noel mumbled. Derek, who was closest to the bowl, slumped down lower in his seat and settled for trying to kick Casey under the table.

"Derek," George warned.

When Noel reached over, their fingers touched again.

Derek dropped the bowl.

—

"So, how goes the plan?"

"The plan has been aborted."

"What? Why?"

"… Because."

"Because why, D?"

"Because. I don't do f – feelings."

—

It only took them all of Christmas break to start walking within six feet of each other again. Noel still couldn't quite meet his eyes, and Derek wasn't doing anything to try and help the situation, so Casey, being a concerned stepsister, decided to take things into her own hands. She burst into Derek's room two days after school started up again and shoved him onto his bed. "You idiot!"

Derek bounced back up onto his feet and gawked at her. "What?"

"Why won't you just admit you like Noel in a more-than-platonic-way?"

He visibly paled. "Casey, that's none of your business."

"Of course it isn't!" she snapped, waving her arms. "But Noel's my friend and you're my… something or other, and I know you two like each other, so why won't you get over your stupid male pride and just try?"

"Get. Out."

"No." She crossed her arms and levelled him with a flat look. "Not until you start acting like a human being."

"Casey, I don't do –"

"Don't even finish that sentence. You know you're full of crap."

He scowled at her. She pursed her lips. He sighed, resigned. "You really aren't going to back down on this one?"

"Nope."

"Not even a little?"

"Nope."

He sighed again. "Damn it."

—

Casey somehow managed to convince Noel to come to Smelly Nellie's to meet her. Derek, who was closing that night, nearly tripped over his shoelaces when he saw him walk in. Why couldn't Spacey ever give him a head's up when she pulled shit like this?

Sally raised her eyebrows at him when she saw him staring wide-eyed at the front door. "Derek?"

He barely registered the sound of her voice as Noel shook snow out of his hair. Derek was fairly certain everything had started moving in slow motion, but he couldn't really focus on much of anything except the water droplet running down the side of Noel's face. Sally touched his arm lightly and shook him. "Derek."

"Huh?" He looked down at her and blinked several times. Maybe he could fix this… momentary lapse in sanity. It wouldn't be that hard to remember why he liked girls; all he'd have to do was kiss one. Sally was hot and now-single and easy going. He could totally convince her to help him; she was practically his dream girl. Except she wasn't quite as pretty as Casey and not quite as funny as No –

Derek stomped off towards one of the back tables and ignored everything outside his section for the rest of the night.

—

He was waiting for him outside at the end of his shift. Derek – who only had one arm shoved into his leather jacket as he rushed out – stopped and stared. Blatantly.

Noel shifted awkwardly from foot to foot for a few seconds before finally giving him a sheepish smile and a half-wave. "Uh," he looked out across the parking lot and shoved his hands into his pockets. "Hey."

"… Hey," Derek said after a beat.

There was silence. Derek wondered if the sexual tension between him and Casey had ever been this thick. Noel wasn't looking at him and Derek was getting sick of playing ignorant to the fact that two hours earlier he'd considered licking water off of this guy's cheek. "So, you know I'm not gay, right?"

The voice that was always Casey's and always in the back of his head went, Smooth, moron.

Noel did something – a cross between a jerk and a shrug – and grunted. "Yeah, I know."

Derek swallowed hard. "Good. 'Cause, uh, you know. I'm… not."

It came out sounding so very lame and unconvincing. Noel turned towards him, brows wrinkling together in confusion. "You don't sound very…" he trailed off, then shook his head. "Nevermind. Look, it's not like it meant anything. I was just trying to get your stupid plan started, since you were too chicken to do it yourself."

Derek knew he was lying even before the voice in his head sang liar, liar, pants on fire. "I was so not chicken."

Noel's lips twitched. "Uh-huh."

"Seriously, man, I'm The Derek. I don't do scared."

"Just like you don't do guys?"

Derek choked on nothing, doubling over and hitting himself in the chest with his fist. Noel looked on, expression torn between amused and embarrassed. Derek inhaled hard and glared up at him from under his bangs, hands on his knees. "Dude, what the hell."

Noel shrugged – Derek was certain it was a shrug this time. "You walked into that one."

"… I guess I did."

"Mhm."

The lull in the conversation was enough to make Derek finally finish pulling on his jacket and fish out his car keys. "So," he drawled, running a hand through his hair. "You… wanna go grab some pizza?"

Noel's eyebrows rose as he looked pointedly at the restaurant behind them. "I just ate."

Derek looked at him like he'd committed some great crime against humanity. "But it's pizza."

Noel heaved a sigh. "Fine," he appeased, tone dry. "But only if you're paying."

"Fine." Derek headed towards the Prince, motioning with one hand for Noel to follow. "Don't expect this to be a regular thing, though." Fingers curling around the car door handle, he added, quickly, "And this isn't a date!"

Noel's eyebrows shot up to his hairline. "I know that," he said slowly, clearly forcing back a smirk.

"Good," Derek tugged at his collar almost nervously. "Because, you know, I don't like you like that."

Noel eyed him with no small amount of disbelief. "Uh-huh."

Derek sulked the whole way to the pizzeria.

—

"You can relax you know. I'm not going to jump your bones. I don't like you like that, either."

"Oh, that's good."

"You don't look very relieved."

"Well, I am, so shut the hell up."

"Oh, stop it. You're making me feel all warm and fuzzy inside."

"I can and will kick you of the car and leave you out in the snow if you don't stop talking right. Now."

"I don't believe you."

"I did it to Casey, once."

"I'm not Casey, though."

"… No, you're not."

"…"

"…"

"… Are you sure this isn't a date?"

"Guh!?"

"Both hands on the wheel, damn it!"

George wasn't very impressed with the giant dent in the Prince, to say the least.