Authoress' Random Ramble :D
So, I went through a period where all I wrote was songfics, and now I'm finding them in my really messy documents folder and posting them! YAY FOR ME~ *applauds self* Well, as you probably know already, reviews are like little stars in the black night of my soul. (for all those of you with Spain, Italy, or America-like dispositions who are really dense, I'll say it slowly: Reviews. Make. Me. Happy.*big grin to demonstrate how happy I am*) So… I love you all and please review! (I distinguished the he's that applied to Matt's lover by putting them in italics) By the way, in case you hadn't already figured this out, I own absolutely nothing. Got that? The song is... Well, I'll leave you to figure that out, and if you include the song title and the artist in your review, you get a free one-shot! (but no smut. sorry)
Less than three. Less than three
I miss those blue eyes
How you kiss me at night
I miss the way we sleep
Even after it was over, Matthew still hurt. He hurt mentally and physically; hurt all over from a love that had left him behind. He dreamed every night, dreamed of a pair of bright blue eyes staring right back into his own, filled with confidence, and mischief, and something that could pass as love…
And when he tried to sleep, he could feel it on his lips, feel the marks that were left long before. The marks from being kissed too hard, though it didn't feel too hard at the time. It felt passionate and warm and everything he wanted, everything he needed. So when he was alone, he would gently press his fingers to his lips, hoping to keep the feeling there. But it never stayed
He'd go through his day like normal, with meals and work and walking Kumajiro. But he was empty inside, empty because when he left, he took Matthew's heart. And at the end of a day of being forgotten and having doors shut on him and dealing with issues better left to those stupid scheming politicians, Matthew just went home and curled up in his bed. He curled up in as tight of a ball as he could, wrapping his arms around his legs and resting his forehead on his knees. He tried to keep a facade up, but even just holding himself together made him break down and cry. Because when he sat on the bed, he remembered the other person that used to lie there with him. And that made him ache so badly all he wanted to do was drift off into a different world where he never existed, where Matthew had never had love stolen away.
Like there's no sunrise
Like the taste of your smile
I miss the way we breathe
When the sun came up to signal a new day, and Matthew woke to the new dawn, he cried. He always remembered the days when he and the one he loved with all his heart and all his body stayed up after a passionate night of love-making to watch the sun rise together, and how they'd both marvel at how no man-made thing could ever, would ever compare to Nature's daily miracles. Sometimes he wished that the sun wouldn't rise, because a life in darkness would be a lot better than light. Light promised hope, and Matthew knew that he had none in his life. The only good thing to ever happen to him had disappeared. Forever.
Going downstairs for breakfast and making pancakes was like a daily torture, but one he underwent willingly. Having the pancakes was like keeping a bit of him around. The pancakes with maple syrup were the closest thing he'd ever come to the taste of his smile. The taste of sweetness and love and joy in just being. The taste of his smile was something Matthew had never had since he'd left, but Matthew wanted it, craved it, needed it, almost more than air.
After a long day when he crawled back into the bed that held so many memories, he could not help but remember one more. They had lain on the bed together, just breathing. Breathing in and out, trying to synchronize it. Trying to match their breath, and their heartbeats, because 'when two hearts beat together as one,' that was when the something that they thought was love was closest, was most near their grasp. But although they never quite managed, Matthew still missed the way they breathed together.
But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in
Matthew's biggest regret in life was never truly telling him how he felt. He just kept the feeling inside him, and hoped that he saw it in the pancake breakfasts he made, in the shy glances Matthew threw his way when they were supposed to be paying attention during the meetings, in the soft kisses exchanged during the morning and in the hall. Matthew remembered almost saying it so many times, but whenever he tried, his lungs would seize up and his heart would flutter and his lips would part, but nothing would come out except for a soft sigh.
And now, I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
And after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you…
Matthew still could barely comprehend that after all the pain he'd gone through, the heartache and heartbreak, he still wanted him back in his life. They'd gone through so much together, side by side, and it felt so odd not to have his comforting presence. How was it possible to suddenly live without a principle part of one's life? Truthfully, it wasn't possible. He missed every single thing that was possible to miss about someone, and had never really gotten over it. Without him, he was nothing.
I see your blue eyes
Every time I close mine
You make it hard to see
Where I belong to
When I'm not around you
It's like I'm alone with me
Every time Matthew blinked he saw his eyes, his cerulean eyes gazing back with affection and humor. After he was gone, there was nothing. He didn't know what to do, where to go without his rock, his safe harbor in life. When his true love left, Matthew felt lonelier than he ever had, like he was alone with himself, like no one and nothing else really mattered, just that he'd lost the only thing that mattered. Everything was gone now. Everything had disappeared.
But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in
And now, I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
And after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you…
But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in
And now, I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
And after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you…
He could barely handle living now, not with everything feeling like it was going to collapse on him at any moment. Just seeing him was enough to send a lightning sharp bolt of pain through Matthew's heart, hearing his voice made his eyes well up with tears that would remain unshed, and whenever he heard that laugh that had so enchanted him, he would suck in his stomach in a vain attempt to lessen the pain and walk away as fast as he could. It wasn't fair, one person having this much affect on someone's life… He was like a drug, something Matthew couldn't live without. And it was his name that Matthew whispered after he was hit by the car crossing the street, his horrified face that got out from behind the windshield and rushed over to him, too much in shock to cry- at first.
"Alfred," Matthew whispered as he knelt over him, and Matthew's last thought was that it was oddly appropriate that the one man who had given him a reason for living, given him life, was the one to take it away. "Alfred," Matthew repeated one last time, smiling through the blood staining his face. "Alfred… I love you."
And Matthew died with the words on his lips, no longer able to say that he'd never told him the three words that mattered the most. Matthew died with a smile on his face. Matthew died with tears staining his face, tears that were not his own, but the tears of the man that had caused Matthew so many tears himself.
"Matthew," Alfred sobbed, cradling the pale, angelic blonde in his arms. "Matthew… I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."