Freak of Vader III: behold the evil finale….
Disclaimer: I don't own anything affiliated with Star Wars or George Lucas or anything of the sort so there….
Note: Thanks everybody for your awesome and sometimes weird reviews! I would especially like to thank Elocindragon (me best friend) for inspiring the Musical Chairs on a Tuesday! Everybody visit her. She has a radical writing style I love it! And thanks again.
By: Aldaron Moonfaling
Now ladies and gentlemen and all you other weird people the finale…………
Luke sat on one of the many scattered pieces of furniture gazing out of the thick paned window into the endless black oblivion of Space. Vader sat in the middle of the overly large room meditating on an especially cushy ottoman. Luke wondered if his mechanical body even registered the comfortable sitting apparatus. Palpatine, now officially insane, sat head down in a corner. He seemed to be fiddling with something that resembled pencils and duct tape. Where he got those is a mystery to Luke.
Suddenly Palpatine jumped up laughing hysterically and shattering the deadly silence that permeated the room. His arm was raised above his head with the robe sleeve sliding down to reveal skin that most likely had never seen the light of, anything for that matter. In his clenched fist were the pencils. They had been successfully duct taped together into a makeshift sword.
Palpatine then proceeded to jump from ottoman to chair to couch around the room blabbering unintelligibly and fighting imaginary foes. Luke watched as Palpatine's antics brought him ever closer to Darth Vader. When the skinny, crazy, white supremely old man was just a jump away from Vader he seemed to notice him.
"AHAAA!" Palpatine shouted pointing the sword at Vader. He then jumped toward Vader, "sword" raised above his head letting out a battle cry.
Thalump! Vader's black welder's helmet was suddenly askew and Palpatine was jumping up and down on a couch close to Vader.
Awoken from his reverie, Vader calmly reached up and straightened his helmet, apparently used to the insane attacks. He then went back to his meditating. This act only succeeded in conspicuously insulting Palpatine, or what he considered defying him, attacked again.
THALLUOOMP! Abruptly Vader's rhythmic breathing became very loud and fast. The man in black raised his hand and used the force to throw the small, almost insignificant weapon against the wall. Once the pencils and duct tape reached their predetermined destination the impact shattered them. Pieces of the poor construction flew in all directions.
A now livid Palpatine used the force to throw Vader at the same wall. It was plastered with pieces of duct tape and splinters. Extremely annoyed Vader used the same trick to throw Palpatine into a discarded purple fluffy chair, pushed into a corner and covered with used takeout bags. Luke strongly suspected something of a questionable nature inhabited the greasy paper bags.
Enraged Palpatine threw a particularly pointy ottoman in Vader's general direction. Which Vader easily dodged. This only made Palpatine even angrier. What that even possible at this point? Likewise Vader threw a six seater couch at Palpatine.
Luke watched as this went of for another thirty seconds or so. Unable to take it anymore Luke jumped up. He thrust the chair Vader was attempting to throw back at him, and did the same with Palpatine's greasy fluffy purple chair.
"Enough! I can't take it anymore! Let's do something! Anything!" Luke yelled as Vader and Palpatine pushed chairs off themselves.
Vader paused, seeming to ponder, and then started to levitate an ottoman toward Palpatine.
"NO! Not that! It's the third time this week!"
Palpatine jumped on top of the only table among the furniture in the middle of the huge room.
"MUUUSIIICAAAL CHAAAIIRRS!" He belted out in a Tarzan cry that echoed. Then he started to do a Wookie tribal dance accompanied by chanting.
Luke glanced at Vader who was glancing at Luke. Simultaneously they shrugged.
"What do we use for music?" Vader asked. Luke thought for a moment.
"How about you're breathing?" Luke responded pointing at Vader who shrugged again in response.
Having arranged a chair in the middle of the room and moving all other obstructing furniture to the sides Luke and Palpatine skipped around it to the beat of Vader's breathing. Whoopaw, Whoopaw. Around and around they skipped. Soon many minutes passed and still the "music" had not stopped.
"Wait!" Luke yelled, infuriately, stopping only to be bowled over by a speedy Palpatine. The blood shot, hunched over creepy eyed man laughed triumphantly standing over Luke. Then he proceeded to flip his hood up obscuring his face and went on giggling. "There is no point if the music doesn't stop!"
"Well I can't very well up and quite breathing!" Vader argued.
They were interrupted just in time by the hiss of the pressurized door sliding open. All three of their heads snapped toward the door expecting Melinda. Instead there stood a surprised Leia, Han, Chewbacca, and Lando.
"Luke come on. Let's go!" Leia said aiming a blaster at Vader's shiny helmet who cocked his head in question.
"So son, this is the company you keep. Rebel scum!" Vader said distain dripping in every letter he said.
"Dad shut up! You don't keep great company either!" Luke said gesturing to a babbling Palpatine.
"We've been through this Luke. That is Melinda's fault not mine!" Vader said leaning toward Luke only an arms length away. It was so tempting to slap some respect into him.
"She's your illegitimate daughter! So it's your fault because she's your kid!" Luke said. Pointing an accusatory artificial finger at Vader.
"Illegitimate I married her mother! Your mother! who died giving birth to Melinda when it was thought she died giving birth to you and your twin sister!"
"You mean Leia! And I'm not affiliated with you!" Palpatine started laughing at Luke and Vader. Lando, Han and Leia stared open mouthed at father and son. Chewbacca was examining the room for possible threats he kept glancing at Palpatine weirdly.
"WHAT!" Leia burst in.
"Come on." Han urged. Suddenly Vader and Luke noticed them again. They glanced at each other. Knowing perfectly well their argument would go on as soon as they escaped the clutches of a feared teenage girl.
The strange group of 7 skirted into the small hangar bay the falcon was docked in. Han kept giving a deranged Palpatine weird looks as he muttered to himself.
"Okay," whispered Han. "When I say go…we go." Everybody nodded in agreement except Palpatine who was standing up.
"GO!" he shouted. Several legions of storm-troopers turned in their direction firing blasters. Impatient to leave his once beloved ship the Executor, Vader stretched out a hand and pushed them all back wards onto the squeaky clean floor.
"RUN!" screamed Leia. They all made a mad dash for the scorched Falcon. Chewbacca hung back contemplating Palpatine. He jumped from storm trooper to storm trooper effectively using he body weight to pound them into the hanger bay floor.
Suddenly Luke and Vader screeched to a halt and Palpatine screeched. Melinda walked down the Falcon's ramp. This round she wore a tight black body suite with the word "SITH" embroidered on the front. She ignited a red light saber and brought it to a threatening position.
"Melinda!" Luke and Vader exclaimed. Palpatine was attempting to hide behind Chewbacca's massive mop.
"Well duh. Who else would it be?" she laughed a disgustingly blonde high pitched thing.
"Wait." Han said. "This is who kidnapped you and Darthy here?"
"Yeah that was me. Cool huh?" Melinda said sidling over to Han who promptly ran to hide behind palpatine.
"Wait. You are my younger sister?" Leia asked incredulous.
"Leia don't talk to her. She'll talk, and talk and talk." Luke warned.
"Well what do we do then?" Vader asked his anger visibly overcoming his fear of his daughter.
"Huddle!" Palpatine forcefully offered putting his skinny arms on Han's and Chewy's shoulders.
"Okay so now what?" Leia asked as the seven of them huddled together.
"Heres a thought why don't we kidnap her and drop her off on some obscure planet." Han suggested. For lack of a better plan the seven shrugged and put their hands in the middle. Then shouted various phrases and in chewy's case an unintelligible bark.
Melinda was giving the seven a confused look as some of the storm troopers regained consciousness and started to reach for their weapons.
"Rush Her!" Luke and Vader said simultaneously. With war cries they ran straight at Melinda who paused at the onset. Luke grabbed her hand holding the light saber and bit it so she dropped the red laser sword.
Together they hauled her aboard and secured her in the refresher. Then left the Executor as fast as the falcon could bear to go.
The Falcon coasted to a stop on the desert planet of tatooine. Once there the five rebels and two imperial sith and dropped her off near a remote town with no transportation services and a population of exactly twelve. The half insane people and droids had finally washed their hands of the terror of space. A week in hyperspace had left them all near committing murder. Palpatine on the other hand found fascination in the Wookie's huge mop of matted smelly carpet. Vader Leia and Luke got into more arguments over "family affairs". Han on the other hand was completely inclined to have conversations with the droids in order to keep his little sanity, having lost most of it while frozen in carbonite. Lando went back to his Cloud city and was rarely herd of again.
Melinda squinted into the burning sand and saw a small out building a mile or so away. She looked back as the Falcon sped into the atmosphere and started to skip toward the unfortunate settlement…