She mentions it for the first time somewhere in your junior year of college. You're sitting in the two bedroom apartment you share watching some crappy reality show when she says it. You don't look at her but she looks at you. You ask her if you understood her correctly, she says you did and she is thinking about going traveling. You tell her you're both still in school and then that's the end of the conversation. She focusses on the book she was reading for one of her classes and you continue playing with her toes while watching crappy reality TV.
You hardly hear about it again until a few months later. It's near summer and you don't really have plans besides staying in the city with her and hanging out with your friends and working and maybe a road trip to Quinn or something. She tells you she's been saving, she's serious about the whole traveling deal and she's not gonna start college again next year.
And you can't keep up with her.
She's sold her car for money and she's gonna leave soon and soon is a lot sooner than you expected and before you know it you're at the airport dropping her off. You don't even properly kiss her goodbye, you give her just a peck, like she's leaving to get groceries, like she could be right back. No 'I'll call you when I get there' or 'please don't go's'. You're so overwhelmed, you don't even realize this is real, so you don't cry. You just watch her go through security to get on a plane to god knows where and you can't help but wonder how the hell time went by so quickly and realize that you just let her go and that that's wrong because you're Santana en she's Brittany and you're only whole when you're together. You try to call her but all you get is her voice saying: "Hi, this is Brittany. I guess I'm not there or maybe I am and I'm just ignoring you. Anyways, leave a message and I'll get back to you, or maybe I won't, I don't know. Well, bye." and you realize you're too late, she's gone. She must have already turned her phone off and you leave it at that.
The drive home is a blur, walking into your apartment is a blur. It still smells like a certain blonde who still sat on that couch eating Cheerios only a few hours ago. The same pictures are still on the walls, the bowl she ate her Cheerios out of every day is still in the sink and her old worn Converse are still standing in the hallway. The only thing that's changed is that her side of the closet is half empty and there's stray clothes everywhere and she's gone. You notice she didn't bring her favorite hoodie that's actually yours and that's why it's her favorite. The sad piece of clothing makes you break down.
She left.
She left and it feels like she took your ability to breathe with her. You thought you could give her what she needed, but you couldn't. She needed to taste the freedom, needed time without you. You feel like you're drowning. You don't know when she will be back, she never said anything about returning and you didn't ask because, well you don't know why. Maybe you were scared of what she'd say. You don't know when she'll be back, you don't know if she'll even be back. You don't know anything that goes on inside her head right now and you wonder how you got to this point so you call Quinn and as soon as she picks up you break down again.
Quinn comes over for a few days and you drink a lot of tequila and vodka and cry a lot and listen to a lot of that weird depressing folk music Quinn likes so much nowadays and you can finally understand why she listens to that stuff. You make sure Brittany's pictures are face down because it hurts too much but what hurts more is that you still haven't heard anything from your favorite blonde. Neither you nor Quinn addresses that.
Days turn into weeks and before you know it she's been gone for two months. She sometimes sends you long letters and postcards, she did call you a few times but she stopped charging her phone a few weeks back, because that 'made everything more fun, more adventurous.' And it was such a Brittany thing to say that you couldn't help but agree. Even though it hurt even more than usual for a few days. You don't talk about what you are and she doesn't either.
Your friends stop asking how Britt's doing after a while because you stopped answering way before that. You got a girl from one of your classes to move into the spare bedroom and it's been nice, coming home and not being alone, it makes you feel less miserable and lonely. Sometimes when you wake up at night and you hear her walking to the bathroom or getting a glass of water you think it's someone else and that someone will just crawl back into bed in a matter of minutes and whisper something like: "Go back to sleep baby". But it's never that someone because she is somewhere in the country, doing whatever. Those midnight moments always come with sadness and bitchiness the day after. Your roommate senses this, she sometimes asks about the blonde in the pictures - "it's Brittany right?" - and you tell her all you know: that she left to go traveling. "Doesn't that suck?" your roommate asks, and you shrug. You love her but she's not the person you want to talk to about Brittany.
Quinn is though, she helps you through. She tries to come over as often as possible and she hits it off with your roommate straight away. She's there during the summer when you don't feel too sad anymore and the three of you end up drinking lots of wine together and going to bars and just goofing off and you feel the weight of school being lifted off your shoulders and the weight of missing is getting less heavy too. Without you noticing it's gotten less unbearable, you feel less like drowning, you just have trouble breathing sometimes. You can feel yourself genuinely smiling at your roommate and Quinn being goofs.
The pictures of you and her slowly get replaced by pictures of you and your friends, your room doesn't smell like her anymore, you put her old Converse that she left behind in her side of the closet that hardly even opens anymore nowadays, you still never eat out of her bowl because that reminds you too much of her and how she used to eat her Cheerios so slow that they got all soggy, which she didn't mind but you thought was gross.
And when school starts again for your senior year you're a lot better. You still miss her but it's not so evident anymore. The postcards are still coming but less frequent, you don't know how to reach her so you never send anything back except for the occasional text even though you don't know if she receives them. You just smile when you see the heart she uses to dot the i in her name, at least that part of her didn't change. She sends you cards from Montana, Utah, Washington, Missouri, Oregon, California and so many other states.
It's been months, months since you've seen her and she tells you she worked in a diner for a few while near the mountains and how she loved the fresh air. It's getting cold again and before you know it she's wishing you a Merry Christmas and she tells you she spent New Year's Eve with the coolest people ever and she wishes you were there. That's the first time she's said that and that realization leaves a bitter taste on your tongue. You miss her, still. It's been months. You've even gone home with a few girls after a drunken night at the bars with your friends. But when you wake up you realize it is not the right girl, she smells wrong and you just feel empty and glad you didn't take them to your place because that would feel too much like cheating. Even though she isn't there to cheat on.
After the coldest winter you've ever experienced, that most likely had something to do with the fact that she wasn't there and you can't remember a winter you didn't spend cuddled up to her to keep warm, you start you last semester of college and you're doing great. You actually sort of figured out what you wanted to do after graduation and it feels weird not knowing if a certain blonde dancer will be part of your future. Then you feel weird about everything concerning that certain blonde because you've never spent so long apart since you were kids. But it gets easier, it's an adjustment, but it does still get better. And before you know it you're almost graduating and your parents are all excited about coming over to watch the ceremony and they avoid the topic of Brittany returning and they do a horrible job of being subtle but you forgive them.
You don't want to think about it either.
It's been almost a year and the postcards have gotten less frequent and the phone calls from pay phones stopped all together and there's no talk of returning so you don't bring it up. You don't make plans to move out of your apartment just so she can find you again if she ever wants to, you feel pathetic for waiting but you can't help it either.
The day before graduation Quinn is about to arrive, your roommate is out of town to visit her sort-of-boyfriend and you just had dinner with your parents who arrived around lunchtime. You hear the knock, you open the door and there she is. God, it's her and she's gotten more beautiful if that were even possible.
You just stare at her with you hand clasped around your mouth and she smiles shyly, her fingers are fidgeting with the straps of her backpack.
"You shouldn't grip your mouth so hard, you might have bruises for like, the rest of your life and that would totally suck."
It's the first thing she says after months, no, after a year. You haven't seen her in a year and she worries about permanent bruises? It's so her and you love and hate her for it.
"I was in this club in LA dancing and then I remembered you were graduating now and I remember how I forgot my favorite hoodie because I wanted to wear it on the plane but left it on our bed and I missed you so, so much. So I left the club, got my stuff and got on the bus and now I'm here."
And you still can't speak and she's been traveling for days and still looks gorgeous and you're just staring at her because you forgot how to talk or move or breathe. But she clearly hasn't,
"I still had my old key but I lost it somewhere between Illinois and Indiana. So, can I come in?"
And you don't know if you should step aside to let her pass or just close the door now.
But there she is in her worn skinny jeans and stained NYU sweatshirt even though it's so hot out and you just silently move out the way. She immediately moves into your room to drop her bag and frowns at how you sort of removed her out of your room. You call Quinn to tell her that she can't stay at yours because Brittany showed up, Quinn's silent for a long time and asks you if you're okay. You don't know. The love of your life walked back in but you're so mad, so hurt and so much has changed between the two of you.
After your call with Quinn the two of you don't talk about anything relevant, hell, you hardly talk at all. The first night is awkward, lying next to each other but not knowing what to do, how to act around each other. The next day you wake up in an empty bed that smells like that familiar smell for the first time in ages and you find her sitting on the kitchen counter, eating Cheerios out of her bowl that no one's touched in a year and you feel something tug at your heart. Something makes you wanna cry, something makes you wanna smile and kiss her silly but you do nothing instead.
Your parents are surprised to see her but they are as nice as ever and before you know it you've left her to sit with Quinn and your parents and you are standing next to Sam, ready to walk up that stage. When you are up there you see everyone clapping but your eyes find hers and she's just half smiling. It's a sad smile and you can only manage to send her a halfhearted attempt back.
After graduating and having dinner with your parents again - Quinn took Brittany out, because that would have only been awkward - and they keep congratulating you and telling you how proud they are and avoid Brittany again but you can tell they're dying to know. After saying your goodbyes you gather your friends, dress up and go out.
You try to not think about the fact that when you get home she'll be there and you won't know what to say or what to do so you just drink. That is until you're a bunch of shots in and you see Quinn walk in followed by a blonde goddess and you can't help but smile. Even though you're so, so hurt, you realize you love her. And she looks at you and sends you the most mind-blowing half-drunk smile you know so well and you just have to get over there and press your lips against hers and tell her how much you missed her and how much you hate her for leaving and how much it hurt.
Because it did, god, it hurt so, so bad. But you love her still. And she smiles and kisses you some more and tells you she missed you every moment and then some more. And you take her back to your apartment and get reacquainted with her body and you gasp and sweat and cry and you talk. You talk all night long, you drink tequila, wine, more tequila and you talk and cry and kiss and talk. And you don't know what the future will hold but you know it'll involve a certain blonde dancer. You two still have a long way ahead of you to get back to what you had but you have time and you have her and for now, that's enough.