Title: Missed You Already
Rating: K+
Pairing: Amber/Cuddy
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or House MD.
Spoiler: End of Season 4
Summary: What if it had been Cuddy and Amber dating when the events during "House's Head" and "Wilson's Heart" took place? The lyrics I've used are from the song "Starcrossed" by "Ash". I recommend listening to the song, it truly is an amazing one and it helps to set the mood for the fic. You can find it on youtube.
"Behold this night, still and clear
You look here just like an angel sleeping
I wish I could ease your fears
I would catch the diamond tears you're weeping"
Somewhere along the line, it had all gone so very wrong. Things weren't supposed to end up like this, they were supposed to be different, but Amber was dying, House was in a coma, and she knew her life was never going to be the same again. It wasn't fair. She was going to lose the one person who had understood her drive, her career, why she was the way she was. What destroyed her most was the fact that there was nothing she could do. She was powerless to fight the amantadine, and was forced to watch the only woman she had ever truly loved die before her very eyes.
Eventually, Amber's eyes fluttered open, still electric blue in colour, still Amber's eyes. Cuddy saw the recognition in them as they fell upon her, and she felt a searing pain within her chest as she saw the beginnings of a smile on Amber's face. She knew that when she learnt the truth, she would want to do anything but smile. For the moment though, she was comforted by the fact that she was still here, if only for a brief few moments.
Still here.
"In your eyes I would hide
By your side I could defy
The forces tearing us apart"
Ignoring the lump in her throat, Cuddy forced herself to speak. "Hey there," Raising a shaking hand, Cuddy moved a few strands of hair back from Amber's face, feeling the warmth radiating off her smooth, pale skin, not thinking about the fact that soon, the heat would begin to fade.
Amber lifted a hand, placing it on top of Cuddy's. "Hey," She looked away from Cuddy for a brief few seconds, taking in the equipment around her. "The bus… it crashed?"
"Yeah," Cuddy willed herself not to cry, not yet. Answering Amber's unspoken question she informed her gently, "You're on bypass because your kidneys were damaged."
Moving her hand from Cuddy's, Amber processed the information. Her understanding was signalled by the developing tears, and whispering, she stated, "I shouldn't have… shouldn't have…" She couldn't finish speaking, her emotions preventing her from doing so.
"It's ok," Cuddy reassured her, knowing she had to be strong. "It's not your fault." She held onto Amber's hand tightly, preparing herself to inform Amber of her fate. "But listen to me, baby. There were complications. You were tachycardic… had complete renal failure… hepatic failure." Cuddy's words were disjointed, as she struggled to tell Amber her prognosis.
There was no need, as Amber realised what was happening. "The amantadine pills…" She sobbed.
Cuddy couldn't hold it in any longer, and her tears began to fall. "Shh, I'm here." She placed her hands either side of Amber, supporting her, showing her through her actions that she was there. "It's going to be ok," she told her.
"But reality, as it seems
Looking back, is that our dream
Was fated from the start"
"No it's not," Amber croaked. "I'm dying, Lisa."
"I know," Cuddy whispered. "But I'm here for you." She brushed her lips across Amber's cheek, conveying the extent of her love through a simple gesture.
Amber took a breath in, struggling to breathe, but determined to do so anyway. Cuddy realised that she wanted to hang on for as long as possible. "I'm glad you are," She gasped. "You know that, right?"
Cuddy smiled through the tears. "I know. I just wish… wish we had more time together."
"But we don't," Amber said softly, having caught her breath for the moment. "So let's just make the most of the time we do have."
"Girl we're star-crossed and can't escape
We're condemned and can only wait
At this time now it's far too late
To save us from our fate"
Cuddy nodded, leaning down to her girlfriend. Gently, carefully, their lips connected, and Cuddy transmitted all of the love, the pain, the devastation she felt, into the kiss, letting Amber know how special she was. Slowly, she ran her fingers along Amber's cheek, needing to touch her, putting all her effort into remembering how she felt, how she tasted. She didn't ever want to forget, because deep in her heart, she realised that never again would she feel the same. No one would ever mean as much to her as Amber had, and before she left this world, she wanted Amber to be fully aware of that. She didn't want her to feel alone, despite the fact that the moment Amber had taken her last breath, that was exactly how she herself would feel.
Lonely.
Finally leaning back against the bed again, Cuddy wiped away some of the tears that were falling down her face. She had wanted to be strong for Amber's sake, but somehow, she couldn't force herself to stop, needing to display her pain. She sort of hoped Amber would thank her. After all, knowing that someone was that distraught by your death, that they loved you that much that the thought of you leaving them forever destroyed them, well that would stop you focusing on the physical pain. Dying was a horrible horrible thing, and Amber's injuries, no matter how much pain relief she was given, meant that every breath hurt like a paper cut times one thousand.
"I'll remain in your hold
Body, mind, heart and soul
As long as I breathe
Though consequence takes its toll
All is out of our control
That's how it will be"
Without really thinking, Cuddy found herself asking, "Are you scared?"
"No," Amber said, her voice eerily calm. "Well, a little, maybe. Are you?"
"Terrified," Cuddy admitted. "It feels like… this isn't real. Like this is all some bad dream and any minute now I'm going to wake up next to you, and feel relief when I see you sleeping safely next to me."
Amber half laughed, half sobbed at Cuddy's words. "Sorry to disappoint you, but this couldn't be more real." She clasped Cuddy's hand in hers, allowing Cuddy to feel how much she had started to shake. "It's not hurting as much anymore."
Cuddy leant the other way, viewing the monitors. Realising how quickly Amber was deteriorating, she was determined to savour the time they did have together. Turning back to face Amber, she told her, "That's good, isn't it?" There was a false happiness that covered the distress she felt at the thought of the end being near. "The less pain you're in, the better."
"So close your eyes my young bride
Listen to me one last time
There's something I have to say
When your faith turns to despair
Always will my love be there
And never fade away"
Amber's eyes locked with Cuddy's. "Hmm," She smiled again. "But in a strange way, the pain helps me to feel better. Like I'm still here. Still human. I don't expect you to understand, but that's the way it is."
"I understand," Cuddy said quickly. Then, thinking about Amber's words, she stated, "I wish I could take the pain for you. And if… if you can't be here with me, then I wish I could go with you."
"No," Amber said forcefully, the strongest her voice had been since she woke up. "No, you're going to stay. And you're going to keep… keep saving lives, keep being the amazing person you are. For me."
Cuddy stayed silent, not wanting to listen to Amber. She couldn't. Not without her.
Amber gasped for breath again, the firmness that had previously been in her voice having made it harder for her to breathe again. "Promise me."
Cuddy shook her head vehemently. "I can't."
"Promise me," Amber's tears ran faster down her face. "Please."
Against what she really wanted to say, Cuddy obliged. "I promise I'll stay."
And she meant it. She'd do anything for Amber, and if that was her dying wish then… so be it.
"Girl we're star-crossed and can't escape
We're condemned and can only wait
At this time now it's far too late
To save us from our fate"
She would stay, face the world. Face House, Wilson, and everyone else. Eventually, she would pretend she'd gotten over Amber, plaster a fake smile onto her face and show the whole world that she was fine. She'd hide the fact that she wasn't really fine, and she would get on with her life, and do her job, just as Amber was asking her to.
"I love you," Amber whispered, entwining her fingers with Cuddy's.
Cuddy smiled at Amber's declaration. Tearfully she replied, "I love you too."
A few moments passed, before Amber spoke again. When she did, it was to speak the words that Cuddy had been dreading hearing. "I think… I think I'm ready now."
"Not yet," Cuddy pleaded. "Just a little longer."
Amber's eyes fluttered shut. "Please…Lisa…"
"Just… just stay with me Amber, sweetheart. Please!" Cuddy exclaimed, sitting up, and taking Amber's face in her hands. "Not now…"
"You can't save us
You can't save us"
As soon as Amber's hand released the grip on Cuddy's, it became clear to Cuddy that she had gone. Sobbing, she placed one final kiss on Amber's lips, and though she wanted nothing more than to remain there, holding her, staying with her, she forced herself to look away. If she stayed any longer, then she knew she'd never want to leave.
Autonomously, she switched off the machines, sat beside Amber, facing the other way, until Wilson came into the room. She allowed him to proclaim the time of death, and then, shakily, she stood, refusing his assistance.
"I'll see you in the morning," She told him, avoiding eye contact, making to leave the room.
He took a few steps after her, grabbed her arm to try and prevent her from exiting. "Cuddy, wait," He said.
"What is it?" She said croakily, stopping just outside the door.
"Don't you want to stay a while... talk to her?" He spoke tentatively.
"I've just done that," Cuddy said, her voice devoid of any emotion.
Wilson didn't give up. "Stay," He commanded kindly. "Tell her everything you didn't get a chance to when she was alive. Take as long as you need."
"I… I don't think I can," Cuddy admitted, unable to hide the truth any longer. "I'm scared that I'm going to lose it completely if I so much as… as look at her." She sobbed suddenly.
"Girl we're star-crossed and can't escape
We're condemned and can only wait
At this time now it's far too late
The poison's in our veins
It's true"
Wilson enveloped her in his arms. "It's ok," He reassured her, rubbing a hand up and down her back. "It's going to be ok. Not now, not tomorrow, but eventually."
Cuddy cried harder, clinging onto him as though her life depended upon it. "I miss her already," She sobbed. "I want her back."
"I know," Wilson soothed. "But don't tell me, tell her." Gently, he released his hold on Cuddy, and leading her back into the room, over to Amber's bedside, he helped her to sit down. "I'll be with House if you need me." He left Cuddy alone with Amber's lifeless body.
Still shaking hard, Cuddy let her eyes fall upon Amber. "Hey beautiful," She said, smiling sadly. "I came back," She held onto Amber, feeling that the warmth had finally drained from her body. She was paler than she'd ever been, colder than Cuddy thought possible, though she still looked like Amber, which was of great comfort to Cuddy. "Because my heart feels like it's shattered into a million little pieces. Because I love you so much that it hurts to know you're no longer with me. And because… I missed you already."
"You know that I'd die for you
You know that I'd die for you"