A/N: I swear this isn't meant to be a crack fic. No real plot. Open ending. Title is based on something the great Ron Weasley once said.
Disclaimer: I do not own Austin and Ally
Why Couldn't It Have Been Butterflies
Sharing an apartment with Ally is supposed to be an easy task.
Ally is clean. Ally has a habit of taking the garbage with her on the way out. Ally never leaves her clothes lying around—though she is never slow to point out the fact that Austin always does.
So what if he has harboured a long term crush on her that becomes more and more excruciatingly painful everyday to bear? So what if these feelings that the love of his life is so conveniently unaware of, suffocate him every morning?
They are music partners, best friends. It makes sense to live together.
Could some crazy, irrational part of his mind still believe there's a possibility of them being together? Maybe.
But that part of him has long been silenced. Buried away, deprived of sunlight, hidden completely from the rest of the world. For the most part.
Some discreet glances here and there seem to beg otherwise.
So when Ally calls him up one day when he's in the studio, and her voice sounds like screws going down the garbage disposal, with shrill screams, and pleas of help—the dumb male complex in him desperately wants to play hero.
Disappointment is what soon follows.
His arms are crossed over his chest before the words even leave his mouth. "This is why you called me home so early?" The sarcastic intonation present in his voice is impossibly difficult to disguise. "This is that emergency? Are you serious?"
"I didn't know what else to do, okay?" Ally cries from her slightly bent over position observing a giant spider in the middle of their living room.
He stares down the pesk. The thing looks like one big, gross mess with its figure contracting and expanding at a desultory pace. It looks bigger than any other spider he's ever recalled seeing, and he's no expert, but it sure seems to be suffering a great deal. Repulsion practically writes its way on his face.
"What do you mean?" His eyebrows fixate to exaggerate his deadpan expression. "Can't you hit it with a slipper or something?"
A gasp is released. Her eyes widen at an unrealistic pace. "Hit it with a slipper?!" She delivers the statement in a way so horrified and genuinely appalled that it physically pains him to confirm her beliefs. He steps forward a little, attempting to make his idea more plausible.
"Well, yeah. That's how you deal with these things. It's probably the most painless way to go too. Much better than being sprayed with bug spray, of course." He tilts his head to give her a look.
She scoffs, seemingly taking offense to the last comment. "I did not spray it with bug spray. I would never do such a thing."
"Then why does it look like it spent the last sixty years in a rave chain smoking some illegal drug?"
Her fright is temporarily replaced by a face of nurture and concern. "I don't know," she replies softly. Leave it up to Ally to care about the ugliest creatures.
"And why the hell is that damn thing's butt so big?" He gestures avidly, trying to accentuate his point. The songwriter finally tears her gaze from the spider to meet the blond haired boy.
"I don't know, okay?" She un-bends her spine and backs away from the spider to stand beside him. "Excuse me for believing you were someone I could count on," she mutters. It was mostly to herself, but was clearly meant to be just loud enough for him to hear. "I should have gotten El—"
"Do not say Elliot. I swear to God, do not say it."
"But he lives right down the hall! And it's really time you made your peace with him. You two are still so stiff towards each other."
Just as he is about to retort, it is as if Satan himself shrunk down to size and possessed the sickly spider that previously was only capable of stretching and shrinking. With life practically flowing into the arachnid's body, Austin and Ally unwillingly find themselves the locked targets of the creature. Its many legs sweep across the floor, making chilling throttling noises against the floorboards.
Horror and panic were the first reactions registered by the two.
"IT WENT ROGUE," Austin screeches, tumbling backwards in fear. Ally beside him has begun hyperventilating. For a moment he believes that she is going to jump into his arms in terror. Instead, she pulls him by the fabric of his shirt roughly.
"GET ON THE COUCH!" Her voice leaves no room for arguments, so he follows her blindly, kicking off all the cushions and fancy pillows in the process. It's as if they were kids again and the floor is lava. Except lava tag is usually restricted to make-belief lava and no reincarnation of a Dracula demon jeopardizing their lives.
"What the hell is that thing?" he spits frightfully, swiping the fallen bangs out of his line of sight. He's livid and sweating at this point. "Forget the slipper, let's hire a priest!"
"What do I do? How will I sleep? I should just grab all my belongings and leave." Ally on the other hand is on the verge of hysteria while she makes small fanning motions with her hands. "I just have to accept that fact that I no longer live here."
"No!" Austin asserts dramatically, bringing down his index finger before her in a militaristic fashion. "We have to fight! This is not a territory he can just come in and claim. We gotta teach this bastard here a lesson. That bitch doesn't pay rent!" He's pretty sure he's got crazy eyes at this point, but he sees her nodding along with him like she is an inspired grasshopper and he is some cricket master stereotype like thing.
Of course, their declaration of war is weakened by the advance of the beastly critter; its hairy legs bringing it closer to the couch where their sacred sanctuary is breached.
"IT'S HUNGRY FOR BLOOD!" With shrill screams and shameless flailing, they each come to the same brilliant solution. "TO THE COFFEE TABLE, THE COFFEE TABLE!" Their faces twisting away in agony and his ego far beyond bruised, his cell phone slipping out of his grip and falling flat into the domain of the beast just adds insult to injury.
"Well, shit," he delivers stoically. Taking a breath, he turns and grabs Ally's shoulders. He fades his voice into a low whisper after he manages to even out his breathing. "Okay, I want you to listen to me." Her eyes are still glistening in fear as his gaze travels behind her to land on a see-through pot drainer made with some sort of glass or plastic like material resting on her counter. A light bulb goes off in his head. "Ally, I want you to take that drainer from the kitchen counter, and very carefully cover the spider with it."
The side of her eyebrow tips impassively before she furrows them. She gives him two steady shakes of her head. She then turns her head to look at the drainer resting peacefully, completely detached from all this nonsensical chaos, then turns back to give him a look of mild annoyance.
"Are you kidding?" she whisper yells, as if the spider could hear them and use their words against them. She points a thumb in the direction of the kitchen. "It's all the way over there."
He scoffs at her stating the obvious. "So?"
"So, it's scary! I could die on the way there!"
The grip on her shoulders tightens and he shakes her almost violently. "This is war, Woman! We have no time for silly phobias and backhanded complaints!"
She places both hands on his to halt his shaking. "Then why don't you go get it?" Tugging his hands off and placing them back down by his side; she gives him a dull, expectant look.
His throat runs dry as he makes indistinguishable grunts and noises of disapproval. He crosses his arms to resume his defiant posture. "Well, I came up with the idea."
"I could have suggested it."
"But you didn't," he counters immaturely.
She sighs, puffing a cheek out in dissatisfaction. "We wouldn't even be in this mess if you had just manned up and captured it before it went all bat-shit crazy."
"I was suggesting healthy alternative solutions instead of just staring at it, which is more than I can say for you."
She buries her face in her hands. The fact that they are stranded on a tea table is becoming screamingly apparent and embarrassing. "Never ever calling you for emergencies ever again."
He rolls his eyes again in disdain, only slightly insulted. "Fine, what about rock paper scissors? Loser goes to get the draining thingy."
Ally turns her attention to him again, looking tired and battered down. "Are we really doing this?" He releases an impatient growl as if asking if she has a better idea. She makes a fist in defeat.
"Rock, paper, scissors!"
Luck is just super keen on picking on him today. Any other day, he is considered one of stealthiest players in the world. Today it would seem he has lost in a life dependent game to Ally of all people.
"Oh, motherfuck."
Unsuccessfully trying to mask her delight, Ally stands on her tiptoes and fixes up his bangs in a mocking fashion before standing back and staring at him with faux pride and respect. "Good luck, Soldier." She even goes the distance to give a phony salute of honor.
He turns his back to her, already locating the hard-to-miss spider with its legs dancing and claws pinching—well maybe it didn't have claws, but it is still super scary. He starts shaking out all his fingers, taking deep breaths like he is getting ready for an important game.
He sighs soundly, looks to the spider again… and his resolution shatters completely. He takes a tiny step backwards, unintentionally ramming into Ally. "You know what, actually, let me—"with one hard push, the brunette doesn't even give him time to finish his sentence. "WAIT, GODDAMN YOU," he cries helplessly as he loses his balance on the coffee table and lands off the only form of security he kind of had.
Though Austin is not an idiot. Ally's sabotage only fazed him slightly. As soon as his feet touch the ground, he runs at the speed of light with his arms thrashing wildly about in the process.
"Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit," he chants the entire journey to the kitchen. The spider must have taken notice of his sudden motions, because its movements too, turned frantic and barbaric, even crazier than before. "Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit."
His sweaty fingers nearly allow the drainer to slip out of grip upon first contact. Yet, he succeeds in the pursuit for the instrument necessary for their survival. Bending down to retrieve his fallen cell phone doesn't even register in his mind.
"Yes!" Ally cheers with excitement from her spot on the coffee table, her arms lifted up in joy. "You got it!"
With heroic music blasting in his mind, and his vision replaced with a cooler, more dramatic version in slow motion, it seems as if everything is going according to plan. This is, until it all comes crashing down with her next words.
"WAIT! Watch out! Careful!" she screams, kneeling down on the table with her fingers curved around her mouth for needless projection. "It's coming for you! IT LOOKS MAD."
How she is able to read emotion on critters, he'll never understand, but he doesn't dare swivel his head to test her accuracy for himself. He just continues dashing around, carrying the drainer like a newborn child, all the while holding back manly tears threatening to escape. Finally, just as he is about to reach the coffee table, he turns to find the spider twitching rapidly behind him as if having a seizure.
"Sweet Lord, have mercy on me," he whispers desperately as he tosses the drainer in the direction of their foe— just missing by just a fraction of an inch of course. His shoulders sag in disappointment and incomprehension. He doesn't have time to beat himself up for the feat, because that is precisely what Ally has taken upon herself to do.
"WHAT! You missed?! How could you miss!? It was literally three feet in front of you!"
Austin face-palms in disbelief, his expression sour. "Hey, instead of yelling, how about you go get back our lost weapon?"
Instead of an answer, she merely holds up a fist again and he sighs, dreading the outcome.
"Rock, paper, scissors!"
Nope, luck just really wants to screw with him today.
"Holy mother of ass and balls," he curses. Ally victoriously wiggles her imitation of a pair of scissors before him, looking smugger than he would ever like to see. He's shaking his head at himself when her gasp gets his attention.
He follows the direction of where her finger is pointing. The spider is now spreading itself out all comfortably on the drainer whose purpose had been to defeat it. Swallowing all the saliva in his throat—and nearly his tongue—he takes two manly strides forward. He gulps again, and extends a hand forward… he brings it closer, and closer.
The spider jerks suddenly, causing Austin to yelp in a girlish manner. He reaches blindly for the kitchen supply, and proceeds to shake the spider off with more girlish noises, before slamming the drainer down on the finally entrapped spider; making a resounding echo in their shared apartment.
A giant sigh of relief is shared between the two young adults and they both slump slightly in exhaustion. He hasn't really done all that much, but he feels like his hair is frizzled and his muscles have gone limp. Soon, delirious laughter overtakes them both.
"To think, I was going to cook pasta with that very drainer tonight," she comments, finally getting down from her spot on the coffee table.
He twists his head and bends down, looking at the critter in a new, affectionate light. "Hey, now that it's trapped within a small space and patiently waiting for death, it actually looks kind of cute." Following his words, the creature begins to vibrate and shiver violently. "Look at it, shaking in anger and self-wallowing pity," he coos fondly.
Ally on the other hand doesn't seem so sure. "Um, Austin, are you sure it's okay?" The jiggling spider seems like it might explode at any moment.
Austin laughs daftly, still observing it with an unexplained sudden adoration. "Ally, I don't think there's a problem with—dear God, what is it doing?" His eyes widen and his eyebrows lift so high up, they manage to hide behind his bangs.
"Oh my god, do you see—"
"It totally just blew up!"
"Is it dying?"
"Is that coming out of its ass?"
"—that is not appetizing to look at—"
"Truly disgusting—"
"Oh gosh, there's more!"
"—this must be what hell looks like."
"I think those are… babies."
"Are you sure it's not just taking a shit?"
"Well, I'm pretty sure—"
"—Whoop, and now they're moving about,"
"It was pregnant," Ally states, leaning back in awe. She ignores the unending look of building disgust on her partner's face as she ponders this new found information. "That's why it was acting so strangely." She lightly touches Austin's shoulder. He nearly flinches at the contact after such a horrific display, yet finds not enough strength to do so. "It was a she," she says weakly.
"If we had captured her one moment later, you would have had yourself an infestation, you should really thank—"
"We are responsible," she cuts in. He looks bewildered for a second, so she continues. "We encased a mother and all her children in this… this prison. This very expensive, heat resistant prison."
"Okaay," he muses unsure. He doesn't stop looking bewildered, but ignores her little outburst for the most part. "So do you think we should dump some bug spray through the small holes? Or do you wanna try that sliding a paper underneath trick, but I gotta tell you, I tried it once and—"
"NO!" Her voice is condescending and her gaze too serious. "We did this." He still doesn't understand what she's getting at, but he's sure he looks slightly frightened now.
"I did this." he mutters quietly. "You were more of a passive audience, who occasionally took on the role of the cheerleader."
It's her turn to ignore him. "Do you think we can just leave them to die?"
"Well—"
"NO!" She conjoins his hands with her own while he stares down at their hands in muted indifference. "We," she stares him dead in the eyes as he squirms uncomfortably, "have the new burden of responsibly." Insert more creepy eye contact that makes him die a little on the inside. She takes a deep breath. "Austin, I think we're parents."
"I… what?" His eyes have narrowed to slits. Never has Austin ever been at such a loss for words.
"We have to take care of them. These are our children! We've watched them come into the world, we've dramatically altered their futures, and the least we can do is make sure their stay here is welcome." Her eyes burn with the intensity of a dozen suns. It's all quite scary, really.
He scratches his neck helplessly.
"Couldn't we just like… dump them in Elliot's mail slot or something?"