6teen Paintball
*Parody of "Last Man Standing"
It all began innocently enough. On that fateful day, no one in the Galleria Mall knew of the dark times that lay ahead. As usual, Jude and Wyatt were late for work at Underground Video. When they arrived, they were mildly surprised to find Wayne, their overweight and surly boss, being attended to by a small, diaper-clad capuchin monkey. The skater dude was the first to comment on this.
"Dude, what's up with the monkey?"
Wayne sighed through the mouthful of colorful chips that the monkey was currently feeding him.
"Oh, you mean Jojo. Funny story, really. You guys remember that monster movie marathon on cable last night? Well, I stayed up late in order to systematically critique the cinematography of their choices. I spent a little bit too long sitting cross-legged, and that, combined with my high cholesterol and all-too sedentary lifestyle led to a minor heart attack. The doctors said that I need to keep Jojo here with me for at least a week until I feel up to working again."
Wyatt was confused.
"But…you don't do anything. You barely work at all."
Wayne turned to his small, hairy friend.
"Jojo."
The monkey then proceeded to slap Wyatt with one of his little paws.
"Ow! That thing still has claws!"
And then in came the first customer of the day. The good-looking young man adjusted his sunglasses and stared at a small Polaroid snapshot.
"Hey. I'm looking for a guy named Wayne."
"Yo."
"You're Wayne? The Wayne that runs Underground Video?"
"Duh."
In a flash, the customer pulled out a low-caliber paintball gun and fired several well-placed shots into Wayne's face. Jojo screeched in terror and performed a mad dance of panic. The customer, however, just laughed in triumph.
"Ha! In your face, #7402!"
Without another word, he then ran for the door like a bat out of Hell. Jude and Wyatt, this whole time, had been too stunned by the speed of the events to say or do anything. A step too late, Jude also pulled out a paintball gun of his own. But he was too late.
"Aww, man! I was too late again!"
"Why are you even carrying that if you're always too late to use it?"
Wayne, meanwhile, just stared at them with a paint-spattered mixture of rage and disbelief.
"Jude…What are you doing carrying weapons in my store?"
Then something inside his head clicked.
"Wait, you're in that Urban Assassin Live Action Gaming League again, aren't you? Then that means…YOU JERKWAD! That hit was meant for you!"
Jude's eyes widened in realization.
"Dude! I can get shot at, too?"
Wyatt slapped a hand over both of his eyes and shook his head in frustration.
"Yes, Jude. That's the point."
While all this was going on, Jojo the monkey climbed up into Wayne's lap and delivered the Polaroid that had dropped in the customer's haste to escape.
"Whatta ya got there, little monkey dude?"
Surprisingly, the picture was indeed of Wayne. His blood pressure rose as he crumpled it up in his hammy fist.
"Again?! Why does this keep happening?!"
"This has happened before?"
"Yes! It's been going on all month; you'd know that if you were actually working the cash like you're supposed to more often! Some jerk keeps signing me up to be a target over and over again. I don't even OWN a paintball gun! You know what? I bet it was that creep Jonesy. He's never been able to let go of the fact that I hate Top M-16s while he freakin' loves it. Well, two can play at that game!"
Wyatt and Jude exchanged worried looks with each other. Wyatt hastily gestured towards the door, not-so-subtly indicating that they needed a quick escape.
"Uhh, coffee break."
"Right behind ya, bro."
With Wyatt and Jude gone, Wayne was left to plot his revenge in semi-silence, broken only by the chattering of Jojo. His free hand stroked Jojo's back fur as though he were a James Bond villain with his clichéd white cat. Suddenly, he nearly leapt out of his chair and pointed at the ugly bracefaced girl Julie from Wonder Taco.
"You there! There's a 50% off coupon in it for you if you help me deliver some payback!
To Be Continued...