A/N: Guess I should add a disclaimer in here, so here you go...

Disclaimer: Owning people is ludicrous, so I own no rights to the people in this story, their place on SoN, or anything else having to do with the show...that's all Mr. Lynch.

Day 1

Sometimes, when I look in the mirror, I barely recognize the face staring back at me. Who am I anymore?

So many drugs have run through my veins and infiltrated my mind that I'm scared to ask any questions about myself, fearing the response I may receive. If I don't recognize myself by looking in the mirror, why would any given response spark an awakening of my mind? Not going to happen, I'll tell you that right now. My mind has been slumbering in a haze for months now…ever since that day. The day she walked away from me.

She was the best and worst thing to ever happen to me, but I knew I never deserved her love and attention. She gave and gave until I had taken all she had to give…and all that was left was a shell of a relationship, a shell I had emotionally abandoned months prior to its complete demise. I am incapable of being loved…but I did love her. I do love her, still. I guess I will never experience those feelings again though. I could never love anyone else, regardless of how incapable I was of loving her the way she deserved. She should have walked away long before she did. We were so good, but so bad for each other.

So, here I sit, in my 10x10 room, my body trying to rid itself of the substances that have kept me numb for so long now, shaking, sweating, unable to focus, but trying to recapture something close to normalcy in life. All the while hoping…beyond all hope…that I will one day cross her path again, if only to apologize for the hurt I so freely gave in place of the love she so truly deserved. I would tell her I loved her, that I still love her, and that I'm so very sorry for never letting her in…for never putting her first.

I guess everything happens for a reason, right? That's what everyone tells me. I'm not sure I believe that, but I'm willing to hold onto anything at this point in my life. I just need…something, something stable. I need to not be so numb…

I'm starting to feel again now though…and I'm not so sure I like it.

I can't help but wonder if I'll make it through the night…and even if I do, how long will I stay here before wanting to just walk away…back to my "normal" life.

"Normal" life…now that's just funny. I spend 3-4 nights a week on stage, singing and playing the songs I love. I drink or get high almost every single day and night. I stopped writing my own music months ago because I can't seem to focus on anything but myself. If that's normal...well…then I'm pretty sure I want to discover the abnormal life.

I just hope I can survive long enough to see what the abnormal life is all about. Right now, with the way I feel, I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

Please, God, just send me some kind of strength to get through this and make it out on the other side.