Runaway
Where does depression hurt?
Everywhere.
Who does depression hurt?
Everyone
Depression is emotional, sadness, loss of inter-
"Fuck you!" With that I turned of the TV in a rage, but not before throwing a pillow at it. Then I turned back to my journal and continued to write.
I hate the Cymbalta commercials. Depressants don't work, they just cover up your problems for the time being. What happens when something happens, and you can't take them anymore? Shit happens, and there is nothing we can do about it. I've learned. Now you probably think I am on depressants, well.. You'd be half right. I am on them, but I don't take them. I don't mind being depressed. Some people in the world are optimistic, happy people.. I on the other hand am a depressed pessimist.
When people see me, they have no idea I am such a freak. On the outside I don't act like that. To everyone I know, I am your normal, sassy, pissy, teenager. They don't realize that I am a foster child with a dead mother and an insane father. No. On the outside I am as normal as anyone. And I am not just some loser, I have friends.. A friend. Lucky for me she is one of those happy peppy people. I really can't stand her, but hanging out with her is better than no one.. Right?
So now you're probably wondering.. What happened to your parents? Well you're about to find out. Let's go back to when I was only in 6th grade. Well basically my dad was on the brink of insanity, don't bother asking what was wrong with him, cause to this day I have no idea. I loved my mother, she was the only one in this world that understood me as a person. She knew that seeing dad the way he was, was really hurting me. She put me on anti-depressants, I listened to everything my mom told me, god for all I knew it was candy. Then it happened.. December 24th, 2005, the night everything came crashing down on my world. Mom was killed, by my own father.. And I, well I witnessed it all. To this day I don't celebrate Christmas, and I don't believe in god or any of that religious crap. I thought Christmas was a time for miracles, not tragedy.
I don't believe everything happens for a reason, I believe that life sucks and there is nothing we can do but end it. I have been thinking of the perfect way to end my life, but I don't know just what to do. I want it to be peaceful, but I also kind of want it to be something that reminds me of what a horrible person I am. Don't try to tell me I am not horrible.. I am. I could have stopped my dad from killing my mom. I have decided to give it time, maybe I will do something really memorable, but shit like that takes planning.
I snap back into reality as soon as I hear the bus honking outside. "Shit!" I shoved my journal into my bag ran out the door and onto the bus. I sat in the back, same seat as I sat everyday. I didn't talk to anyone on the bus, and no one talked to me. That's how I liked it. I was looking out the window while I listened to my iPod. No, I don't just listen to "emo" or "alternative".. just most of the time. We made the last stop and so now I get to go and sit through another eight hours of pointless shit that won't matter if your offing yourself within the next month like I am. I was lost in my thoughts until we took an unexpected turn down a dead end street, I'm just thinking this bus driver is on crack, until I see two guys standing in a driveway.
Whoa, did my heart just skip a beat? Usually I could care less about what a guy looked like, or even a guy in general. However, this near perfect boy was just breathtaking. He was taller than me, but not too tall, and his hair was a mess of bouncy curls. His eyes were stunning, they were very mysterious, the most spectacular eyes I have ever seen. I had never felt this way for anyone, and I wasn't entirely sure what I was feeling.
The bus driver pulled up to their driveway and they got on. Step by step this miraculous boy got closer and closer to me, and before I knew it he was right next to me. I swear I stopped breathing at that moment. He was looking at me, as I was him, but he said nothing, it was like he was reading me, like a book almost. I searched his brown eyes as he just stared at me. Seconds later he looked into my eyes and I jumped, hopefully that wasn't noticeable.. "Hey I'm Nate," he held his hand out waiting for me to shake it. I was still staring at him, god this was defiantly one of those movie moments. I quickly stuck my hand out and shook his.
"Alex," I told him looking away from him and pulling my hand down after recovery from the moment I had just had. "What grade are you in?" I hated when people kept conversations going after I clearly tried to end it, but this was something I didn't refuse.
"Sophomore," I was talking quietly like I usually did.
"Oh cool, me too," he said with a smile on his face. If this guy was thinking I was going to be his first friend then he was on crack. I didn't make new friends.. Cause in the end it's just harder to say goodbye.. But I needed to stop thinking about that for the time being. If this guy really wanted a friend, then I could be that, for at least a little while.
I thought about it, why on earth would anyone want to talk to me? I'm not pretty, I'm not happy, I'm not smart, I'm not funny.. I hardly even exist. I thought about asking him. Asking him why he was talking to me, and why he didn't just sit with Gigi like most guys would. Would that be rude? Well quite frankly I don't care whether I'm rude or not. I hate not having me questions answered, so I decided to ask.
"Why are you talking to me?" It came out way ruder then I expected it to.
He shrugged and smiled, "I guess you just looked lonely" Did he just say I looked lonely? Was I really that easy to see through? I didn't look that.. Desperate. Did I? I can never keep my mouth shut once I am fired up.
"Why would you say that?" I snapped back at him.
"Wow, cool it. I just thought I would be nice," I didn't need his pity, and I certainly didn't want his pity. I don't want people feeling sorry for me because my mom died, or because my dad is crazy, or because I live in such horrible conditions. It was my destiny and it's my problem. Ugh, I hate people, especially naïve people such as him.
"Well don't," I knew I was being a total bitch, and I kind of felt guilty, this guy.. He was perfect, and I flat out told him to leave me the hell alone. When really, I need someone more then ever.. And he was the someone that actually, possibly, wanted me as well? I am so unbelievably stupid.
I slumped down in my seat and hid my face in my hood. There is no way things could get any worse then this..
"Hey Russo, why don't you just kill yourself and go live with your precious mommy up in heaven," Gigi practically screamed it, and I could not have been anymore embarrassed, and I certainly couldn't have wanted more than anything to kill myself.. Right then in that very seat.
Yup so this was just something that I wanted to write, something kind of fun that I may make more chapters to.
Give me some feedback?
Reviews are loved and appreciated xD
Thanks guys!
MikaylaLee